°○ ꜱᴀɪʟᴏʀ ᴄɪᴛʀᴜꜱ ○°

I was so excited to be a shifter when I first started out. But years and years of trying have only gotten me further away from where I want to be. I don't know how many more "be patient"s and "it will happen"s I can take. I am not happy with the fact that I'm not a shifter, and I would do anything to change that fact, but the universe has proven to me time and time again that I am completely incapable of doing so.

It feels like nothing I do fixes that. It feels like the only option is to never consider myself a shifter. Why would I? I've never even been close to shifting.

I've taken breaks, but everything leads back to this terrible cycle of loathing and misery. I would do anything to shift, but I have a feeling I never will.

These other shifters try so hard to make things easier to understand, but it doesn't even matter because at the end of the day, they shifted, and I haven't. They've gotten there in some way, shape, or form. After so many failed attempts, my desired reality is losing its shape, replaced by the desperation of the act of shifting alone.

TW: Brief mention of suicide

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Shifting is genuinely the only thing keeping me going and also the root of my terrible mindsets. It seems so wonderful in theory. A world I created where I have everything I want. And I'm not even allowed to experience it myself? A version of me that I adore and love and want to be in this reality gets to experience it instead of me? The creator of such a world? I don't even want to die anymore because that never works either. I just want to disappear. I've tried getting professional help as it has been recommended by shifters I have talked to in the past, as well as quite a few of my real-life peers, but I can't even get that. Both my real life and my life in the shifting community are hell. I don't look for shifting advice or methods or even posts about people's own successful shifts. I have done everything I have the energy to try in order to get out of here, including just going to bed with nothing but my intention. No breathing exercise, no method, no guided meditation. And still, I'm here. When I first started trying to shift, really trying to, I got visions, dreams, signs, and I could consider those small wins because that was I telltale sign I was getting somewhere with my shifting journey. And now I get nothing. I get nothing that vaguely resembles my DR anymore. I feel further to success than ever. I don't want to be patient. I've been patient. I want to leave. I want to experience something other than burnout. This isn't even wanting to live in my favorite TV show anymore. This is me wanting nothing more than to get out of here.

(Warning: Mention of suicide)

Oh, boy. I've taken a break. I was doing okay for three weeks or so, but this week, I just couldn't stop thinking about shifting and how I still haven't done it. I probably never will. I've looked and asked for advice only for me to be told that I'm overthinking it, it's actually easy, others have been trying longer and still haven't done it so I'm not special, and just overall had my experience and distress invalidated. I've read every post and watched every video I find that insists it's a "sign from the universe" only for nothing to happen once again. I say this every post, but I have tried every method I come across with no results. Time is supposed to be an illusion, but it still feels like it's against me. I've heard people say that they've shifted while depressed and it helped them, but it hasn't even signaled to me that it could happen. This reality has been nothing but cruel to me, and I want to escape. Shifting was supposed to help me do that. But the universe thinks my attempts are funny and keeps me trapped here while both my mental and physical health just get worse. I can't even talk to anyone I know about this because they'll just laugh. No one here understands shifting and thinks it's just my imagination. At this point, it probably is. Shifting is just something I made up to try and make myself feel better and stay alive a little longer. Shifting is the last thing I'm trying before suicide and it's not even working.

Seeing people successfully get to where they want to be by doing everything I've done in the past is so irking because what made them so special and not me? It's especially bad when they have the same DR as me.

I've tried affirming and reprogramming my mindset with no results.

I wish I could talk to someone personally about this, but I can't even get a therapist in this reality.

I've started doubting if it's even real because I can't even think about shifting without this nagging feeling that I will never do it.

I just want to forget about shifting, but I literally can't. I love my DR, but at this point, I'm never going to get to it. I'm closer to going into psychosis than shifting.

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I think the most frustrating part about trying to quit shifting is that it keeps coming back. I really do love the idea of shifting, but I have never felt further from my desired reality.

To be honest, it feels like the universe is mocking me. It won't let me shift, but it's taunting me with sign after sign.

I've grown into a mindset where I absolutely hate people who have shifted and just the entire shifting community. They do try to help, but all they do is discourage me. They tell me to do this and that, and I blindly follow it every time because maybe, just maybe, tonight is the night. It never is.

I can't shift to my desired reality, and I've accepted that. I just want to forget about shifting so badly. I've spent so long trying to shift that I've grown to hate it so much. Every time I see someone talking about it, I get sick to my stomach. I get angry. I've been told to use those emotions to get me closer to shifting, but that doesn't help. Nothing does.

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I hate this. Shifting isn't supposed to be stressful. Over and over again, I hear that I'm the only thing stopping myself from shifting, but nothing I do seems to even get close to fixing it.

I really do try and disconnect from the shifting world when I'm online, but it keeps coming back to me and only makes me more frustrated.

I'm a very emotional person, so I've tried tying my emotions into my shifting journey, and I've made no new progress in weeks.

I think the worst part is knowing that I've shifted to alternate realities but not my DR. Meaning I am capable of shifting, but not where I want to be. I've even changed DRs time and time again.

Since my last post, I've started affirming non-stop. I know this will probably just cancel those affirmations out, but realistically, I was barely able to convince myself that those affirmations were true. I've spent countless nights thinking, "I'm a master shifter. Why would I have trouble with this tonight?" and I repeat the same cycle of waking up here instead.

I swear I've done almost everything. People have told me specifically that being burnt out from shifting can help fuel your journey, but all it does it make me want to quit.

I never even meant for this blog to become a place where I just vent. I made it so that when I finally shifted, I could share my experience with others and make friends like me.

Not a day goes by where I don't think about shifting, no matter how hard I try. I can't say I haven't shifted because I have. I've done awake methods, asleep methods, scripting, visualization, tarot card readings, etc. All I get is discouraging results.

I can't bring myself to quit, but I don't want to keep going, either.

Waking up in your current reality after a fully confident attempt is so discouraging.

I recently found out that anti-shifters have shifted while trying to prove that it's not real and that it converted them to be shifters.

Meanwhile, I've always believed in shifting, and I'm still here.

I've been trying to find out what works for me instead of consuming media involving other people's journeys, but knowing that someone who didn't even believe in it has gotten to their desired reality before me upsets me.

And the people who have shifted say, "It's easy because it's natural," and "You're not setting an intention."

I've tried setting my intention to shift on various occasions, but it hasn't gotten me closer.

And since it's natural, I've tried just letting go, which didn't work either.

I really do pour my heart and soul into shifting research and script writing and doing everything I can to shift while not letting it consume my current reality life, but I'm still here and that makes it hard to keep going.

I have been fully confident in some of my attempts lately, but I still wake up here. My desired reality is completely different from the modern world, so I can't even try to convince myself that I succeeded.

Sometimes, I wish to just forget all about shifting. I wonder if never knowing about it would've been better for me. I know shifting is supposed to be for everyone, but I really have considered quitting all together recently.

Shifting isn't supposed to be exhausting, but once you realize you actually have to get out of your current reality, you drive yourself to the point of burnout trying to get to a reality that's better then this one.

This is especially true for beginners or someone who hasn't been to their desired reality yet.

I truly believe shifting is real and that I have done it before, but I haven't been in my desired reality.

Method after method, nothing seems to get me closer and I'm sure others feel the same.

And this part might be personal, but I actually feel further from my desired reality.

It's not supposed to seem like a chore, but I desperately need to get out of here to the point where it's unhealthy.

I wish I had shifting friends, but I'm too scared to talk to people, and I feel like if I talk to someone who has shifted, I'll only get more and more discouraged.

Probably not the ideal first post, but I wanted to rant.