This is my safe place to vent and nothing more.

And days like today make me miss you in a, ‘’my whole body aches” type of way... When the bitter cold turns to snow seemingly out of nowhere and all at once; covering everything in a soft white blanket... I think of you, and being wrapped up in each other under the blankets while we watched the snow fall outside, year after year... I think of the way I explained to you that the cold outside felt warm to my heart and how you indulged me in my child-like ecitement over it time and time again; playing in the snow, trying to build igloos, snowmobiling around town when the snow brought everything to a hault... I miss you today with every fiber of my being, while I watch the snow fall outside my window, alone under those same blankets... and I am hit with the realization that something that once filled me with nothing but joy and wonder, now has a tinge of pain attached to it... and that, my dear, is gut wrenching to admit...

The way I feel is hard to articulate... like there aren't enough words to describe the way my body seems to ache for you in an aging kind of way. Slowly creeping up here and there, and then all at once as if its inevitable that the pain is felt all over, just before my demise. Like words don't do justice for the way my soul feels like its reading a good book, but stuck at just before the climax.. like I've tasted some of the story of life before me, but the best part is coming up and I can't seem to turn the page, just giving my fingertips paper cuts reaching for pages ripped out of my book.. how I feel connected to a person like magnets at play, except im being pulled in while they're repelling me away, two forces of the same magnetism; beautiful and strong, too much so that it forces them apart.. there is no way to describe how my heart races and the little flutters we call butterflies swarm like angry bees in my stomach just before seeing you; every damn time. Its like my entire body has a reaction to there mere idea of you; one that starts at my nerve endings and explodes through my body like a sensory overload of excitement and anticipation. And then there's the real physical reactions... The sweaty palms and shaking hands. Your skin touches mine and it feels like a wild fire has been lit in the most dense of forrests. Like no matter how bad I fight it, the feeling and desire to burn by your touch spreads, just like a fire should... and before you know it I am nothing but a pile of ashes, lying in the wake of your beautiful destruction... because that's what you do to me.. devastating every inch of me you can reach, leaving me in my lonesome... but what words also can't describe is my will to move forward. To rise from my ashes and come back better and stronger than before. My desire to be loved like a child with any animal you hand them. Complete adoration for life and love, no matter the creature you place in their palms. You see, kids love entirely and they rarely stop to question the ways an animal could be "creepy" or "weird". Like you can hand a child a full blown giant spider, but they'll focus on how graceful it moves or the way it builds its web; not on the way it crawls, jumps and attacks things. I want to love and be loved like that; unquestionably and in spite of faults. But its hard to describe feeling like there isn't enough words to describe everything I feel, like typing this doesn't begin to touch the depths of my deep ocean heart... but if you're willing to gear up with me and take the time, we can try to explore the ocean floors together; yours and mine.

All I ever wanted was to love and care for you... and yet, even knowing me so well after all these years, you continue to assume the worst of me... and I cant tell if that's my fault or yours..