fuck you and your eyebrows

i think if you wanted to eat white chocolate you could just eat candle wax instead and not even notice the difference

love how merry and pippin just join sam and frodo. they just literally run into him after stealing vegetables, see some nazgul, and go “oh, sick. we’re in!” without, like, any preparation whatsoever. no going home and packing, no letting their family know they’re gonna be gone for an indeterminate amount of time. just them, their carrots, and a grand total of one brain cell. legends. 

one brain cell seems generous tbh

oh fuck internalized too much lotr as a kid, actually believe there’s good in the world or some kinda shit

what is my perfect crime? i break into tiffany’s at midnight. do i go for the vault? no, i go for the chandelier. it’s priceless. as i’m taking it down, a woman catches me. she tells me to stop. it’s her father’s business. she’s tiffany. i say no. we make love all night. in the morning, the cops come and i escape in one of their uniforms. i tell her to meet me in mexico, but i go to canada. i don’t trust her. besides, i like the cold. thirty years later, i get a postcard. i have a son and he’s the chief of police. this is where the story gets interesting. i tell tiffany to meet me in paris by the trocadero. she’s been waiting for me all these years. she’s never taken another lover. i don’t care. i don’t show up. i go to berlin. that’s where i stashed the chandelier.

You are angry about something. “Clam down,” I text you. You assume I have made a typo, but in fact I am holding a small soldier clam in my hands. He died so young. War is hell

i want my baking to be so good that when someone eats it they either wonder why im not married or have a split-second panic abt proposing to me right then and there

dragon age 4 better be good if not i will still play it

me @ those black figures in the corner of my eye at my house that disappear when i turn in that direction: i know you’re there bitch

you ever think about how men who enter female dominated spaces (male beauty youtubers) are adored and celebrated and welcomed and women who enter male dominated spaces (gaming, sports) are often verbally abused to the point of quitting the activity all together

girl help there is not enough enrichment in my enclosure