** young / MENACE !

“ we’ll have to do it in batches. i only get so many minutes to talk, ” shiloh said. and yeah, he was aware that lillian probably meant they could talk when he got out, but. shiloh’s always the first to brag about his capabilities and his successes but he knew this wasn’t something he’d win. he pursed her lips at her question, shifting slightly in his seat. this was the most talking they’ve ever done -- the most talking he’s done ever -- and he clearly wasn’t used to it. the discomfort was evident as he scratched at a mark on the table between them, desperate for a distraction. “ it’s not real when it’s just in your head. up there it’s just a fear or a worry or an insecurity, even, and those are easier to ignore when it’s just you aware of it, instead of when you tell someone else. down the road it’ll start feeling more like you imagined the shit happened instead of actually remembering it. ” he sighed, sitting back in his seat. it was clear that it’d take a while before shiloh started really opening up to lillian, but at least he wasn’t fully blowing her off like he’d normally do. “ nice sports analogy by the way. your freshman psychology textbook teach you that one ? ” he tried joking.

shiloh smiled at that, shaking his head. “ thank you, ” he said, much to soft for what was meant to be sarcastic. but he couldn’t help it, not this time. not anymore. “ not a big deal ? ” he repeated incredulously. “ i would’ve been stuck with a really shitty public defender if not for you. i don’t feel completely doomed anymore, and i appreciate now having that sort of assurance. i need as much as i can get in here. ” well... at least he now was going to do down in a slightly more dignified way with this big shot lawyer helping him out. of course, as dignified as someone with an impending guilty sentence and battery and assault and whatever the fuck else spencer’s lawyer figured out to charge him with could be. oh, God, what if he got a charge of trespassing, too ? fuck. “ doesn’t really feel like i’ve been taking good care of you lately, ” he scoffed slightly, fiddling with the cord on the phone. he’d made her cry in the past two months, for fuck’s sake. they’ve fought a lot, more than they ever have and that’s -- not what a good friend does. he matched her hand placement again, palm against palm through the glass and smile small, sad. this was going to be the hardest part of all of this, wasn’t it ? alex could visit him all she wanted in prison but eventually the meetings would trickle down and space out as she moved on, got swamped with med school and meet a nice guy. losing his freedom was one thing -- losing his lifeline was something else. “ really ? ” shiloh smiled a little more fully at that, amused. “ ...so, you two are... done ? or are you still a thing ‘cause he finds hulk-you super hot ? ” casual.

“ if you rat on me she’s going to come in here yelling at me, y’know. you wouldn’t embarrass me like that. i’m trying to be the cool guy here, ” he joked, because it was easy, joking about his jail rep instead of really leaning back and accepting that fuck, i’m actually, really fucking in jail, aren’t i. shiloh opened his mouth slightly at that, shocked. alex’s dad was a really good attorney, and shiloh didn’t expect anything less of his friends. a feee had to be in the upper upper thousands, at least, and he was doing it for free ? “ i don’t know what to say, ” he mumbled, thinking how maybe things wouldn’t be so bad now that he had an actual, good lawyer. “ thank you. i -- yeah. ” thank you sounded so lame but what else could he offer her besides his words ? he obviously didn’t have anything to give her in return. his eyes flicked up when he noticed her hand moving, reaching his out to press his fingers against where hers lay opposite of him. “ you have to promise me that, ” he said, quieter. “ you have to promise me you’ll visit me and all those other things. no matter what. i’ll go fucking crazy in there if i don’t ever hear from you again. i went crazy not hearing from you for a week. ” don’t fucking cry, shiloh. he felt like already he was being too raw and vulnerable and all the things he shouldn’t be around her. “ does, um. does spencer know ? that you’re helping me ? ” which side of the courtroom would she sit on ? spencer’s or shiloh’s ? and yes, he was very aware that literally every other time he brought up spencer, shit hit the fan between them, but he couldn’t help but ask. 

“ yeah, ” he mumbled. it was really, really fucking hard to look on the bright side of things, to stay optimistic and tell himself that okay, no, wait, maybe you will get out, maybe the jury won’t find you guilty. he didn’t want to try to overcome his rotten personality and give himself hope only to get locked up for real next time, whenever next time even happened given how fucking long lawyers could take to start trial. shiloh couldn’t help at chuckle at her all-too familiar wording, saying, “ alright. last time i told someone they don’t want to hear what’s on my mind i told them anyways and then i lost them because of it. can’t afford to lose anyone else at this point, so. okay. thanks for sparing me. ” he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t curious about what’s been bothering her. maybe some months along the line, if she visited him again, he’d pry again. he watched as she shifted in her seat, clearing his throat softly as she basically read them for filth. it was true, it was all true no matter how much he wanted to protest that he never had much to talk about, anyways, that they didn’t need to talk. he did know that he didn’t want to talk about this, though, not now. not when he was like this. she was going to make him cry, for fuck’s sake. shiloh sighed, breath shaky. he cleared his tight throat again. “ i -- i don’t like talking about... my problems and... the shit that goes on in my life. i don’t tell anyone, i don’t crack because... because if i do, then it’s not just in my head anymore. talking about something is accepting that it’s real and that’s -- that’s fucking terrifying. so i like it when we go to parties or even just stay at mine and drink and -- not talk. it’s... bad for me, i know, and you’re right, we’re really going to fuck ourselves over by keeping everything in, but. for me, it’s more comforting than the alternative. ”

shiloh didn’t want to be anywhere near spencer right now. or ever, actually. he knew realistically they’d never recover from this moment, from shiloh hitting spencer and spencer sending him to jail from it. no amount of skincare jokes and shared fitness videos on youtube could ever fix the friendship they once had. “ you wanted to come see me ? ” shiloh repeated, unconvinced and annoyed. “ what, were you too excited to wait to see me at trial that you had to come here ? ” it didn’t make sense, why was spencer here ? the only plausible thing he could think of was that spencer had information about their case, but still, shiloh could’ve swore there were other avenues to that other than him being visited by the guy who’s trying to send him to prison. “ why are you here ? seriously. ”

they were laughing. just like that. it might have been quick, the static between them after their fight, their kiss, but it was even quicker, how they came back together. a lot of things were going wrong for shiloh but this -- this wasn’t one of them. “ as if. you know how fussy maura gets about my hair, ” he smiled into the phone. if he was in a romcom he’d be one of those fucking middle schoolers calling their crush at night with their ankles linked in the air. ridiculous. he sighed, scratching at the underside of his jaw. “ and he’s doing this for free ? are you sure ? ” it’d suck, obviously, if they lost the case and shiloh was sent to prison; it’d suck even more if his parents had retainer fees on top of that. he watched as alex assured him of their future, silent as she spoke. his eyes fell on her lips and God, he was thinking about their kiss again. he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since it happened, truthfully. it was like -- like he couldn’t ever imagine not kissing her again. and over the week shiloh’s come to terms that okay, alright, that wasn’t a normal friend thing to think about, was it. maybe he... maybe he liked alex more than a friend. he did like her more than a friend -- shiloh liked alex a lot. but it was a little fucking late for that revelation, wasn’t it. “ what if it’s not okay, though ? ” he asked her. he’d love it, honestly, if they survived through this again, but the odds were nowhere near his favor this time around. “ what happens to us if i get sent to prison for this ? ”

shiloh scoffed, amused. “ i’m not exactly picky about my entertainment here, ” he said, smiling. lillian could’ve brought him a book about what fingernails were made of and he’d still read it cover to cover; it’s not like he had any other options. “ it’s people like us that the world is trying to get rid of, ” he chuckled. he and lillian had always been and said things people never tended to like -- it’s honestly the main reason why they got along so well, twistedly enough. if he got out of jail quick enough maybe he’d make it in time for when he and lillian inevitably got burned at the stake for getting called out on how much shit they talked about other people when they were eating dinner at the dining hall or bothering each other at work. ( alright, shiloh, stop thinking about that stuff. that was then and this is now. this is your life now. ) “ well can we make it about you ? i’m not exactly bursting with great stories to tell right now. ” anything would be better than talking about himself, honestly. but it’s like lillian read his mind, because she was calling him out on his bullshit. “ we talk, ” shiloh frowned, knowing damn well they skirted around everything. he was worse about it. “ dunno’ what you’re trying to say. ”

messi: if you actually wanted nudes then yes, u did

shiloh’s eyebrows lifted slightly at the familiar title, interested. “ i’ve heard of the movie but i never watched it. y’know, the one with michael cera. didn’t know there was a book for it, though, ” he said. it felt weird, having something to look forward to in jail now. it made him feel like he had a waking purpose now, at least. it wasn’t just wake up, sit, eat, and repeat until he got beat to death or sent to prison after his trial anymore. now he could throw in a book somewhere in the middle of that God-awful routine. “ i was never a book kid, ” he admitted, “ i used to make fun of the people who got so anal about reading a book before seeing its movie. ” he’d always been more of a math and science guy, obvious by his major, but this was the first time he ever looked forward to having a book to read. he was genuinely thankful. “ still. thank you. ” let me know if you need a chiropractor when you get out of here. “ yeah... ” shiloh nodded absently. he didn’t think he’d ever be leaving because his case really did suck, but she didn’t need to hear that shit and he didn’t need to think it. “ a break from what ? ” he shook his head at her question, sighing down the line. “ no, i don’t. that’s the really fucking shitty part of this -- i could be in here for months. over a year, even. it just depends on how long it takes spencer’s attorney to gather evidence and get witnesses and whatnot. ”

shiloh felt like his breath caught in his throat when she said it back. he didn’t think she actually missed him as well, had been spending the past week learning how to be just the shiloh in shilohandalex. he chuckled slightly, honestly shocked that she said it back, the smallest sign of life behind his recently dulled eyes. “ did you know i fucking googled the best way to apologize to someone ? i just felt like such shit and wanted to try and make things better between us if i could, and youtube rec’d me some video from a movie with heath ledger singing to a girl on the bleachers. i would’ve done that for you. ” it was too easy -- scarily easy, almost, how fast shiloh felt like he could be normal around alex again. but he bit his bottom lip after he spoke, because he needs to hold back. that was the issue the first time. that’s why they stopped talking. he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, couldn’t figure out why it felt impossible being just her friend. alex was with spencer, he had to remember that. that’s why he was behind bars, after all. “ he must be looking at a different fucking case, then, ” shiloh mumbled, biting harder on his lip before wincing at the pain. it was still taking time for it to heal from the fight. “ i wasn’t ever mad at you, alex, ” he said, looking at her, “ and you didn’t ruin anything. everything shitty that’s happened in the past couple of weeks have been because of me. ” he sighed at that last part, opening his mouth to say something before closing it, rethinking his words. he swallowed hard. “ can we be honest with each other right now ? because i -- i don’t think you’ll have me with you for much longer, alex. realistically. i don’t... i don’t have any hope for this case. i think a jury’s going to see me and look at me and hear what i did and want to send me to prison because of it. ”

Messi: where would the regular skin be if we're entirely lip skin?

“ sinclair, you have another visitor. let’s go. ” what the fuck. shiloh groaned from where he felt like he had just lied down, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to let the guard handcuff him again. he should be grateful, he knows, because half of the guys here hadn’t heard from anyone in the months they’d been here. but shiloh just -- didn’t want to see anyone. it was hard enough by himself processing what had happened to him; he didn’t particularly feel like being vulnerable in front of another person right now. it attracted a lot of unwanted attention, too, the other inmates snickering as he walked past and mocking, “ sinclair, your carriage is here now. ” shiloh hoped it was this supposed attorney alex got him and not someone he’d have to see look at him with pity. he’d fucked up, he knows, and he doesn’t feel like assuring someone that he’s alright again. he might cry this time. the guard uncuffed him and pointed to the booth where the person visiting him was waiting. shiloh was rubbing his wrists as he walked to the seat, sitting down without looking to see who was there. that was how he was getting into these messes, wasn't it ? not fucking checking to see who was about to fuck up his life. shiloh frowned, face to face with fucking spencer. his jaw tightened as he looked at him, tempted to walk out right now. he didn’t have to stay, right ? he could leave ? shiloh grabbed the phone and pressed it to his ear, muttering darkly, “ what the fuck do you want from me. ”

Messi: would kissing still be kissing if our entire body was lip skin or would we have come up with a different way of showing affection

messi: definitely think you sent this to the wrong person 

God, this was so embarrassing. shiloh never once has given two shits about what people think of him, because you don’t go around being as big as a dick as he was when you care about opinions and feelings, whatever those were, but this was making him feel weird, like she shouldn’t be seeing him like this. the fight was never supposed to amount to this, this weird reality in where he was talking to lillian through a phone. “ you brought me a book ? ” shiloh repeated, surprised. he was surprised she’d come to visit him as it was -- he certainly wasn’t expecting to receive an item from it, either. “ wow. um, thanks, ” he said, scratching at his arm. he could see the reflection of the orange jumpsuit he was wearing against the window. “ you’re making me look like shit, though, ‘cause i didn’t get you anything. ” he found it in him to smile slightly, resting his arm against the table more comfortably. he bit his lower lip at her question, shrugging a shoulder and looking down at his hand. “ it’s -- rough, ” he decided on saying, watching his words carefully. he’d been an emotional wreck but she didn’t need to know that. “ everything’s just sort of really... cramped ? a lot of people here. my cellmate’s fine enough, hasn’t given me any real trouble yet. he’s like forty. it’s hard to sleep at night because the beds are so fucking uncomfortable, and then a lot of the other guys here don’t shut up at night and it makes the guards come out and start yelling at them. but, ” he sighed, looking back at her now, clearly defeated by everything, “ it’s jail. i didn’t expect memory foam and clean showers. ...how’re you ? ”

shiloh hadn’t really seen alex in over a week. there’d be times when they passed by each other in the science buildings, but they’d pretend the other wasn’t there and walk the opposite direction like they hadn’t built a life together. it wasn’t easy, being away from her, but he also hated how they did it so... immediately. the texts and snapchats stopped, just like that. the barging into his room to see a movie, the walks to the dining hall at 2 a.m. to get ice cream, the hours spent working on homework until she slumped against his side, asleep -- it just stopped. he expected nothing less, of course, considering what happened between them, but it was just... he thought watching her slip through her fingers wouldn’t be this final, is all. so seeing her now, actually seeing her... “ no, no, that’s not -- i’ve missed you. ” he’s missed feeling whole. it’s like he’s been walking around with just one shoe this entire time, and he knows she’s probably been fine, somewhere with spencer. he wasn’t exactly holding on to hear her say she missed him back. “ i can’t afford an actual attorney, ” shiloh said, running a tired hand through his hair. “ and even then, why would he want to take on my case ? he’d lose. i swung first. i have a record. spencer can say he hit me back out of self defense. ”

“ two visitors in one day, huh ? someone’s popular. ” shiloh ignored his cellmate’s words after the guard had approached again, telling him that someone was there to see him. this one had to be his attorney -- if his parents were going to visit him then it’d be as soon as hours started. he went through the process again of being handcuffed and led to the center. God, he was tired of this. and of course he didn’t ever think he’d enjoy being in jail -- even that sentence in of itself was ridiculous. he just didn’t realize how... mentally tolling it could be so quickly. surrounded by all these people, all older than him and in trouble for much serious ( or worse, similar ) things, not knowing how long he’d be there with them before his trial actually started... he felt disgusting, like he smelled like other people and stale, crowded air. he didn’t get any sleep the previous night, and it showed, hair messy and eyes red as he was un-cuffed by the guard. “ last booth, ” the guard instructed him, pointing towards the end. shiloh sighed, rubbing a hand down his face as he walked past the other inmates talking to their visitors. he hoped whatever idiot public defender the government got him had half a mind to leave him the fuck alone, but stopped in his tracks when he saw alex on the other side. ...fuck. shiloh swallowed thickly, steps slower and feeling heavier as he sat across from her, glass separating them. he hadn’t seen her in well over a week and to meet up like this ? they shouldn't be going through this for the second time. he couldn’t even imagine what she wanted to say to him, and he really couldn’t handle the idea of seeing her cry, either. shiloh took a deep breath before reaching for the phone, cradling it against his ear, eyes on hers.