aphrodite

“ we’ll have to do it in batches. i only get so many minutes to talk, ” shiloh said. and yeah, he was aware that lillian probably meant they could talk when he got out, but. shiloh’s always the first to brag about his capabilities and his successes but he knew this wasn’t something he’d win. he pursed her lips at her question, shifting slightly in his seat. this was the most talking they’ve ever done – the most talking he’s done ever – and he clearly wasn’t used to it. the discomfort was evident as he scratched at a mark on the table between them, desperate for a distraction. “ it’s not real when it’s just in your head. up there it’s just a fear or a worry or an insecurity, even, and those are easier to ignore when it’s just you aware of it, instead of when you tell someone else. down the road it’ll start feeling more like you imagined the shit happened instead of actually remembering it. ” he sighed, sitting back in his seat. it was clear that it’d take a while before shiloh started really opening up to lillian, but at least he wasn’t fully blowing her off like he’d normally do. “ nice sports analogy by the way. your freshman psychology textbook teach you that one ? ” he tried joking.

“we can take turns.” lil smiled weakly. it was clear that he was uncomfortable with talking about even being uncomfortable talking, which was kind of a conundrum, but at least he was starting. that was what mattered; he could’ve easily told her to fuck off, or could have changed the subject, or could’ve just told her to leave, but he hadn’t. she’d consider it a small victory. it wasn’t like shiloh going his entire life bottling things up was going to go away with one pep talk from lil. “doesn’t that drive you crazy though? feeling like you imagined something?” she easily could’ve kept pretending like she didn’t notice morgan coming home later and later, smelling like someone else, with hickeys that weren’t from lil. the moment lil had confronted it things got worse... but then they got better. as awful as she was currently doing, she’d been in worse positions. “once you confront things you can let them go. it makes me feel better, at least.” hopefully it would help shiloh, but she guessed they’d cross that bridge when they got to it. baby steps. “no.” she rolled her eyes, pulling a face at his joke. she fidgeted with her shoelaces for a moment, bouncing her leg nervously. “actually, i came to see you because i’m on my way back from an outpatient program? so, you can thank my group therapist for that advice.” it wasn’t like she’d never talked about therapy before to shiloh, but an iop was completely different from just seeing someone once every two weeks. “i kind of had an episode, so...” she wasn’t trying to dump the details about that onto shiloh when he had big things to worry about himself, but if they were talking, then... “yeah. that’ll be my tidbit for this meeting.” he could probably put some kind of pieces together with that; he’d have to talk to get more, and lil knew he probably wouldn’t pry. “you can get more next time. like a cliffhanger.” she tried to bring the lightheartedness back into the conversation even though she was trying to discreetly wipe a stray tear from her cheek with the shoulder of her t-shirt.

“ yeah, ” he mumbled. it was really, really fucking hard to look on the bright side of things, to stay optimistic and tell himself that okay, no, wait, maybe you will get out, maybe the jury won’t find you guilty. he didn’t want to try to overcome his rotten personality and give himself hope only to get locked up for real next time, whenever next time even happened given how fucking long lawyers could take to start trial. shiloh couldn’t help at chuckle at her all-too familiar wording, saying, “ alright. last time i told someone they don’t want to hear what’s on my mind i told them anyways and then i lost them because of it. can’t afford to lose anyone else at this point, so. okay. thanks for sparing me. ” he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t curious about what’s been bothering her. maybe some months along the line, if she visited him again, he’d pry again. he watched as she shifted in her seat, clearing his throat softly as she basically read them for filth. it was true, it was all true no matter how much he wanted to protest that he never had much to talk about, anyways, that they didn’t need to talk. he did know that he didn’t want to talk about this, though, not now. not when he was like this. she was going to make him cry, for fuck’s sake. shiloh sighed, breath shaky. he cleared his tight throat again. “ i – i don’t like talking about… my problems and… the shit that goes on in my life. i don’t tell anyone, i don’t crack because… because if i do, then it’s not just in my head anymore. talking about something is accepting that it’s real and that’s – that’s fucking terrifying. so i like it when we go to parties or even just stay at mine and drink and – not talk. it’s… bad for me, i know, and you’re right, we’re really going to fuck ourselves over by keeping everything in, but. for me, it’s more comforting than the alternative. ”

lil poked her tongue into her cheek, wondering if he was talking about alex. probably; she wanted to bring it up, ask him if he’d meant what he said to her. but this wasn’t the time for it. they could have that conversation if he got out - when he got out. “we can talk about all that another time. too much to unpack.” she scrunched her nose up. she also didn’t want shiloh to storm away from her over the spencer thing, and maybe that was manipulative to keep it from him, but she felt the same way; she wasn’t in the mood to lose anyone else she was close to over something like that. she bounced her leg up and down anxiously as she listened to him, leaning over to rest her head on the side of the booth as he talked. she knew the feeling - if it hadn’t been part of her deal to get off scot-free she probably wouldn’t be in therapy, but going had been good for her, which was why she’d been trying to needle shiloh into going. “is it not real even if it’s in your head? it’s real to you, isn’t it?” wasn’t there a harry potter quote that said something like that? in the last book, when harry had been in limbo, weighing between life and death. “i’m not saying we have to stop getting drunk and having fun and going to parties. i like doing that stuff with you,” a weak smile managed to tug at the corners of her lips, earnest, “i just think we should sprinkle in talking more.” she worried her bottom lip, trying to think of something that might help him. “when it’s the last few seconds of a game and you’re exhausted, you don’t just linger complacently, right? even if it’s more comfortable to just stand there and watch, you still push your muscles to win. it’s the same thing, just up here.” she tapped her temple with her index finger. “and it’s hard, and it sucks, and sometimes you have to sit in an ice bath for over an hour but it’s worth it, right?” was that dumb? she hoped that wasn’t dumb. “and guess what? you telling me that is already progress.” 

he wanted so badly to hold her hand as she walked beside him, but he didn’t want to come on too strong. even though they had talked on the phone and they both had talked about liking one another, they still hadn’t gotten the opportunity to talk about it in person yet. “hmmm? chocolatey voice? that sounds like my good friend spencer tate, you got the hots for him? let me find out.” he snorted as he walked swiftly to his car in order to open up the door for her. “oh yeah?? well tell him to meet me on the field, he’s gonna have to go neck and neck with me” he smiled at her as he watched her hop in. he made his way around the front of the car and hopped into the drivers seat. “the things you do for what you love.” he looked over at her once last time before starting the car. immediately his bluetooth kicked in and the car was filled with the sound of freaky by tory lanez, “fun fact: i only listen to tory lanez on game days, he gets me crazy hype before stepping on to the field.” he made his way out of the arena parking lot, luckily the student dorms were only about 10 minutes from where they were now. “if you’re into that we can definitely make it happen. i really like off roading. back home i used to do it on the beach a lot, so mud is new and fun. there’s also a lake real close to where i was at, it looked fun.” he said suggestively as he made a mental note to bring it up maybe later in the week. lil had dorm roommates and all of that stuff and he was extremely grateful that hyland paid for his own little private apartment so that he could come and go as he pleased and he didn’t have to worry about other people being in his stuff. he pulled up slowly in front of the dorms and parked up. “don’t worry about it, you should’ve seen our house when all six of us whizzed through it” he hopped out and made his way around to open the door for her.

lil blushed, red hot. she’d told him that she liked him multiple times now, but hearing it come out of his mouth still did something weird to her stomach. “yeah, him. he’s pretty charming.” she was unable to contain any smiles tonight, apparently. lil really didn’t deal out smiles very much; she was always cruising on neutral, or maybe complacent. but spencer seemed to be good at having all the right things to do or say to trigger it. she climbed into the car when he opened the door for her, buckling her seatbelt and turning her cheek into her shoulder so she could look at him while he drove. “i bet he’ll kick your ass.” she stuck her tongue out at him. she hummed at his song choice, reaching over to turn it up a little bit so she could hear it, interested. “i don’t know about that. believe it or not i get motion sick pretty easily.” she pulled a face, sheepish. as much of an adrenaline junkie as she was, she didn’t really want to puke in spencer’s car. when they parked she reached down to grab her duffle bag, shaking her head in amused exasperation when he opened the door for her again. “thank you kindly, sir.” she slipped out of the car and led the way inside, fobbing open the door and walking the stairs to the third floor; their building didn’t have an elevator and it sucked. she fobbed open her suite, letting spencer inside before letting the door close because it had a tendency to slam behind them. “make yourself at home.” she toed her shoes off of her feet. “there’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry. just heed the brownies; they’re laced with weed.” she winked at him as she pattered her way to her room, flipping the lights on and sighing at the mess. she threw her duffle bag into the corner, picking up all of the various sweat pants and tights littering the floor, throwing them into her already-overflowing hamper and forcing them down. she chewed at her lip as she found the remote lying under a sweatshirt, flipping the tv on and leaving it on the menu for the streaming shit she mooched off of her roommates in case she ended up taking a while in the shower. she grabbed her towel, throwing it over her shoulder. “gimme fifteen, okay?” she’d probably take longer than that, but maybe if she set a goal she could shorten it to twenty minutes. 

“cozy? with whomst?” he smiled as he pulled out a plain white t and brought it over his head. “well this star player you speak of can’t be better than me so hmph, “ he said as he crossed his arms over his chest and stuck his tongue out at her. he laughed at her statement, “yeah the bun makes it look like you have a crazy face lift. i can only imagine how uncomfortable it is. i’ve always wanted to grow my hair out long enough to be able to french braid the top, but as soon as it get’s long enough i tell my barber i want it all off” he said as he continued to run product through his hair. he slipped into some suede chelsea boots and cardigan before he spritz himself with some cologne. he looked over at her and studied her outfit quickly, she looked like someone he’d buy drinks for all night. nonetheless, he nodded and put his duffel over his bag and pulled out his car keys. “well we can go back to your place and you can get showered and if you’re feeling up to it sure” he said placing his arm over her shoulder bringing her into him before dropping his arm back down to his side. “i will warn you though, i went joyriding in the mud… so the outside of my car is um.. well you’ll see” he laughed as he opened the locker room door for her “after you ma’dam”

“mm, maybe you’d know him. tall, dark, and handsome type. beautiful brown eyes, a chocolatey voice...” when he stuck his tongue out at her she grinned, feet shuffling on the tile of the locker room. “i don’t know about that. i think he’s pretty good.” spencer was more than good; he literally had people scouting him out before he graduated. while she didn’t know that much about soccer, she knew talent when she saw it and spencer had a whole truckload of potential. “if my buns aren’t tight my hair falls out all the time, so. it’s either temporary face lift and pain or stopping every five minutes to redo my hair.” sometimes in modern class she’d just wear her hair completely down, but that’s not where she had been at. she watched him as he finished getting dressed, leaning back on her hands and kicking her legs precariously. sometimes she wished she weren’t so tall so that she could swing her legs, or just generally be disconnected from the floor when sitting. “okay. sounds good to me.” she wasn’t sure if a shower would make her feel raring to go or if it would make her comfortable enough to sleep, but the only way to find out was to go and test it out. she wasn’t opposed to the idea of just playing video games with spencer or something, or even just talking until they fell asleep. when he wrapped an arm around her shoulder she buried herself into his side, arms wrapping around his waist. unlike him she lingered, clinging on for another moment. “joyriding? wow, thanks for the invite.” she joked, finally releasing him to wander out of the locker room. she pushed her way out of the building, holding the door open for spencer on the way out and making their way towards the parking lot. “i haven’t really been home all week except to change clothes and sleep, so. it’s kind of a mess...” she forewarned, remembering the various clothes that were scattered all over her room as a result of her busy week. after being in his practically-immaculate apartment she felt like she was going to look like a slob in comparison. when they got to his car - it was muddy, her dad would kill her if she treated her jeep like that - she pretended to zip her lips and lock them with a key, tossing the key onto the asphalt of the parking lot. 

shiloh scoffed, amused. “ i’m not exactly picky about my entertainment here, ” he said, smiling. lillian could’ve brought him a book about what fingernails were made of and he’d still read it cover to cover; it’s not like he had any other options. “ it’s people like us that the world is trying to get rid of, ” he chuckled. he and lillian had always been and said things people never tended to like – it’s honestly the main reason why they got along so well, twistedly enough. if he got out of jail quick enough maybe he’d make it in time for when he and lillian inevitably got burned at the stake for getting called out on how much shit they talked about other people when they were eating dinner at the dining hall or bothering each other at work. ( alright, shiloh, stop thinking about that stuff. that was then and this is now. this is your life now. ) “ well can we make it about you ? i’m not exactly bursting with great stories to tell right now. ” anything would be better than talking about himself, honestly. but it’s like lillian read his mind, because she was calling him out on his bullshit. “ we talk, ” shiloh frowned, knowing damn well they skirted around everything. he was worse about it. “ dunno’ what you’re trying to say. ”

lil sighed, knowing that shiloh was right. the two of them together were like peas in a pod, but to everyone else? a raging forest fire, loose canons, too much destruction. “all the more reason to make it out, yeah?” that wasn’t entirely up to shiloh, but she had faith that maybe he could turn things around. that maybe both of them weren’t doomed to keep fucking up their lives until they were fucking dead. “and you think i do? did you forget who i am already?” she doubted shiloh wanted to hear about her and spencer, the person whose charges put him in here. and she wasn’t eager to bring up her fight with alex, either, because as far as she knew he still wasn’t talking to her. “trust me when i say you don’t want to hear about anything i have to talk about. i’m sparing you.” at his frown lil gave him a look, slouching as she drew her knee up to get comfortable on the seat, using it like a perch as she rested her chin on her kneecap. “we don’t talk. we drink until we black out and don’t remember how we got back to campus.” granted, last time had been fun, eating pizza at a stupidly late hour and badly playing video games on lil’s nintendo switch and playing spin the bottle, apparently. “we’re going to mess things up so bad one day we’re not going to be able to fix it. can’t we just-... be honest with each other without getting drunk?” she swallowed, throat thick. “i’m not saying we suddenly have to tell each other our dark secrets or anything, i just-...” she toyed with her shoelaces, voice breaking; “i fucking hate seeing you in here.” something needed to change, and lil didn’t know what it was or how to really fix it but maybe they could just start there.

alex studied her through a narrowed gaze with pursed lips, “but you would, wouldn’t you. you’re a fatalist. i can tell.” she was more than a little ashamed to admit that she was slightly curious about all the words galilea just used (( because she was a scientist and had a duty to be curious, obviously )). of course, she’d rather stab a fork in her eye than admit it. “fun as a therapy session,” she deadpanned, blinking at her a couple times. “i don’t need a chart to tell me i’m a bitch. i already knew that.”

galilea shrugged her shoulders. “no, i wouldn’t consider myself a fatalist in the slightest. the future is always changing because people are always changing.” the ideology of fatalism reminded her a lot of evangelicals, which galilea was not necessarily about. “i think you misunderstand what i do.” that wasn’t a strange sensation to gali, who’d spent her whole life being misunderstood by people and called a freak for her interests. “it does turn into a therapy session sometimes, because it makes you confront things you don’t want to see in yourself.” a lot of galilea’s sessions turned into crying ones for her clients. there was a reason she kept a box of tissues in her bag when she went to do readings. “fair enough.” 

she looked good. really good. her face looked sleek, and her lion mane of curls was pulled into a high bun on the top of her hair. he had to blink a couple of times to get himself to refocus. “listen last week i had a girl elbow deep in my bag, i don’t know what she was looking for but they just hired security.” his eyes trailed her body once more, “but obviously they let anybody with a cute face in here” he shrugged as he laughed. he looked through his bag and pulled out a pair of jeans to shimmy up his legs. he walked over to get his towel from her to dry his hair, “i’m happy that you did, even if you only saw the last fifteen minutes of the half,” he watched as she shook her hair down, it framed her face even nicer than the bun and he smiled warmly at her– “i like the bun, its sophisticated.. but it doesn’t compare to the curls” he said lowly as he reached up to play with the loose ends of her hair. he walked back to his bag with the towel over his head and began to dry his freshly conditioned hair before reaching into his bag and getting some leave-in to keep it moisturized. his smile only got bigger as she suggested plans, “the rest of the guys are on their way to Miller’s with some friends. we can meet up with them? unless you have something else in mind?”

lil scrunched her nose up, glad that the dance department was kind of under the radar. she didn’t know what she’d do if someone was just rummaging through her bag. at his comment she glanced down at her boots, using her tangled hair to hide the pleased smile on her face. “don’t tell anyone, but i’m kind of cozy with one of the star players so i get special treatment.” security was still pretty tight outside, making sure the crowd left the pitch - which lil had done, just... not in the direction she was supposed to go. when he came over to take the towel from her she looked up at him through her eyelashes, fluttering them playfully. “as much as i love a good high bun my scalp appreciates my hair down more, too.” and then, as soon as he was near her he was gone, wandering away to continue getting dressed. she thought for a moment, hum in her throat as she wobbled her way to the bench and took a seat. she did love a good party, but could she really get that crazy around spencer? she didn’t really know what he would think of her. he was kind of the epitome of jock so he probably wouldn’t be too phased, but... she just didn’t want to ruin his impression of her. “i mean, i’m not really party-ready.” she looked down at the tights peaking from under her boots. her leotard was pretty uncomfortable and she could probably use a shower. “but i’m down for whatever as long as i get to spend time with you.” she only realized how true it was once the words were out of her mouth. she wasn’t trying to be stereotypically complacent and indecisive, really. “can we stop at mine so i can shower on the way?”