Artblog

bless him

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Tumblr flagged this post as sexually explicit and it's literally just a trans dude in high fantasy art.

Make it make sense.

the volunteers are working very hard and as much as we want ao3 back again we can help by avoiding the site for the moment. The best way to get back at the stupid hackers is to get the site back up quicker and this is the best way to do that!!!

So my trainer’s bf cheated on her. She broke up with him. He’s holding her stuff hostage until she agrees to talk with him. Which she refuses.

She trains; for free mind you; three college linebackers, a college wrestler, two martial artists, a body builder, and… wait for it…. a Navy seal. We’re gonna go get her shit for her.

Arrival:

So the super friends all jumped into one of the linebacker’s explorer and headed over to dude’s house. Ok the squad: you all know me, but the other martial artist is a little wirey hapkido guy, the linebackers are all giants (an estimated combined weight of I’d say 750-800lbs), the wrestler looks like an escaped gorilla, then the navy seal looks like your average guy but something about him is unsettling. Really unsettling. Unfortunately, the body builder had to work. Anyway, we send the Hapkido guy and the wrestler to the door first and dude answers, screams at them, and then slams the door in their face. Then the giant linebackers head over and they ring the door bell again. Lo and behold, he was much more polite, but still denied access. Finally, me and the seal join the fray. I casually make my way towards the front of the group, but the seal decides to CLIMB THE BANISTER. We all just turned and started at him completely shocked when dude answers the door. He looks at this weird mismatched group of relatively threatening individuals and one guy perched on his banister like batman. He was like “FINE. Go take what you’re looking for.”

Retrieval:

So we’re all walking through the house gathering what we think are her things and putting them into two boxes. Mind you. We are completely guessing. We didn’t even tell her we were coming, therefore we had no list of items.The only one really being productive was Hapkido, who was legitimately looking for stuff. The linebackers were just randomly picking up furniture, turning it over, and putting it back down. Just showing off how strong they were. In case the numbers game wasn’t enough, I guess they were letting him know they could break him if they wanted to. The seal was just shadowing dude in his own house. Walking behind him, not saying much, just being creepy. Then there’s me. Who was causing general mischief…. He said to take what I was looking for, that’s what I was looking for. Ahaha and the wrestler made a fricken sandwich. Because “you guys look like you have it under control, and I’m a sucker for egg salad.” We were in and out in 15 minutes.

Delivery:

So the autobots rolled out and headed towards homegirl’s spot. She was conveniently outside when we rolled up. We got out and she was like, how do you all even know each other. The truth is, we don’t. She sent us all an email once and didn’t blind copy us all. She vented to all of us about dude holding onto her stuff and we started emailing and that was that. We told her that we went to see her ex. “OMG what did you say to him?” Nothing. We’re not messenger boys. We’re delivery boys. And we gave her her boxes of stuff. She went through the first box and said that was most of her stuff. Then she got to my box and asked “Wtf is all that shit.” So I explained that I took all the batteries out of his remote controls, his deodorant, the light bulb out of his master closet, every pair of dress socks that I could find, the laces out of his running shoes, and all the toilet paper in the house. The guys just looked at me and kind of nodded like they were impressed. She then unexpectedly started CRYING and thanked us. So you have this group of meat heads all standing awkwardly with this weeping trainer. It was quiet for a second when the seal was like “So…. chipoltle?” And we all got burrito bowls.

Except, they won't be. Even if they get actual Native American actors to play these characters, even if they bring on a Native American to serve as a cultural advisor, it wont matter. Why? Because Smeyer appropriated a real Native American tribe and twisted their culture and history in her fantasy books for her own profit.

Imagine the tiniest, most wimpy, pathetic, pitiful dragon you possibly can. She’s got blunt horns and blunt teeth, and her claws aren’t very sharp! She’s a little smaller than your average house cat! Her name is Altheria. Her hoard consists of;

One dirty gold coin

That’s it.

And she’s so little she can’t even hold the coin in one paw. It’s not a big coin, she’s just little and doesn’t have thumbs! 👍

So the other dragons are all bigger and greedy, and very mean to her. She’s struggling to hold onto her one pathetic coin, and these other dragons are fucking HUGE with caves full of gold, yet they’re super greedy and want all the gold they can get! So one of them sees Altheria’s single little coin and steals it. She tries to fight back, but they’re so big compared to her that they just bat her out of the sky like hitting a fly with fly swatter.

So she’s lost her entire hoard in one night, and she’s feeling pretty pathetic, when she sees a poster!

HELP WANTED - RESCUE PRINCESS ELIZABETH - REWARD 15,000 GOLD

and she gets a very bad idea, but she’s pretty desperate and stupid so she does it anyway!

So the story follows Altheria as she blunders her way through this quest to save the kidnapped princess (so tragically taken days before her wedding!!!) And she kinda sucks at it. She mostly skates by because everyone looks at her and goes “She’s so small!!! She’s harmless!!!”

And there’s this thing called The Gift that people are born with. Only people with The Gift can understand dragons, so no one knows what the fuck she’s saying anyway. Everyone just ignores her!

Well Altheria makes it to the bandit infested fortress where the princess is only to discover….

Drum roll please!!!!

The princess wasn’t kidnapped. She ran the fuck away because she was not vibing with that whole marriage thing. She’s taken over this small army of bandits and become their leader. She’s plotting to take over her father’s kingdom and become queen instead of being sold off to some prince. She’s building an army.

Elizabeth has offered every would-be rescuer to show up a choice; join her cause, or die. Out of 37 would be rescuers, only three have joined her. The other 34 she defeated and killed in single combat. Because she’s a badass.

She then ransomed the bodies to their families for a shit load of money.

So Eliza has The Gift, and gives Altheria the same choice but with some added sugar; if Altheria joins up, she can be Eliza’s treasurer.

Altheria takes one look at the 35,000 gold Eliza has built up, and Eliza promises they’ll get even more gold if they can take over the kingdom… And Altheria is 100% on board!!!!

But the reason dragons need gold is simple; the more gold a dragon possess, the larger they grow. That’s why Altheria was so small. She only had one coin! But now she has 35,000 that she (kinda, she shares with Eliza) owns.

Altheria starts growing again. Throughout their quest to take back the kingdom in Eliza’s name, she gets bigger, her teeth and horns get sharper, her fire gets hotter… She becomes a fucking badass, just like Eliza.

And you know I had to draw my favorite part

Kevin’s mom: *hyperventilating into a paper bag* I can’t believe I left my son home alone, he has to be so terrified, my poor baby boy all alone I need to go get him-

This class, is a modern example of Hubris in the public sphere (⁠ ꒪⁠꒳⁠꒪⁠)/

Wei Wuxian: i don’t think we can manipulate, mansplain, or manwhore our way out of it this time

Wangji: *unsheathes his sword* [clearly displeased with his husband willing to manwhore himself]

LEGS THAT WON'T WALK

KILLING STALKING

BLACK MIRROR

THE WAREHOUSE

CASTE HEAVEN

TEN COUNT

THE PAWN'S REVENGE

PALACE OF BARDO

OBEY ME

For the bastards out there.

Things Whumpee can get in trouble for that’s literally not ever their fault.

Bleeding on the floor

Not being able to walk on a broken leg

Not being able to see something when Whumper’s blindfolded them

Throwing up their food when Whumper’s fucked with it or hit them wrong

Being ‘blemished’ by scars Whumper gave them

Being unable to come when called because they’re still restrained

Being too short/tall

Not responding / speaking clearly when Whumper's gagged them

Not contributing to the household income (literally kidnapped)

Hitting the ground too hard when Whumper shoves them

Bruising when hit

Knocking something down when Whupmer shoves them into it

Getting sick when Whumper hasn’t been taking care of them

Losing weight because Whumper doesn’t feed them regularly

Bleeding on their clothes

Fainting when malnourished

Being too obedient (boring)

Having nightmares

Passing out from pain, dehydration, or malnourishment

Crying when Whumper pepper sprays them

Passing out when strangled

Fighting/thrashing while being drowned

Bonus starter lines:

“P-lease please it’s n-not my fault-”

“Did I say you could do that?”

“Repeat your rules.”

“I d-I didn’t mean to, I swear”

“You’re useless.”

“Maybe I should just get another toy who can actually follow orders.”

“Wh..at hapn’d….?”

“I don’t have any use for damaged goods.”

“I’ll do better n-next time I swear! I pr-omise - please don’t-”

“Such a pathetic little thing.”

“Well maybe if you actually fucking remembered to feed me-”

“You’re worthless without me - you can’t even stand on your own.”

“Maybe I should just put you out of your misery.”

“I c-I can do do it - please-lemme try ag-again-”

“I don’t think Caretaker would want you anymore - I mean look at you, you can’t even walk. It’s pathetic.”