RyThoJo's Blah'g

Hey, for anyone who happens to still read my twice-a-year Tumblr posts, I’ve entered a composer competition in Germany. I was lucky enough to be a finalist for this two years ago which resulted in being flown out to Munich to hear a 60-piece choir sing my music. It was a transforming and educational experience. And hey, free trip to Europe!

The challenge this year was to write a piece for harp, baritone, and frame drum (???) based on a Rilke poem. I'm pretty happy with what I put together. If I’m a finalist, I go to Munich, and the piece will be played as part of the Carl Orff Festival in Orff’s hometown of Andechs am Ammersee. I’ll be competing with 9 other composers for fat, fat cash, because that’s why everyone gets into new classical music, right?

Unlike many competitions, online votes count for this. So, if you would please...

- Go to http://www.carl-orff-competition.com/en/contest/composition/id/40492#interpretation=2

- Rate my piece 5 stars on the right hand side.

- A pop-up will ask for your email address. This isn’t spam. They just want to register a unique vote.

- You’ll get an confirmation email to make sure you’re a real person and not a bot. Click “Confirm” in the email. And that’s it!

A poof of smoke and lightning. FUTURE BRIAN emerges from the cloud and pokes PAST BRIAN on the shoulder.

 FUTURE BRIAN: Brian.

PAST BRIAN: Do I know you?

FB: Yes, I’m you.

PB: Huh?

FB: Look, I’m not supposed to be doing this. But I traveled here from the year 2016. I just wanted to tell you, don’t join the band with the mullet-headed singer. I know it seems like a savvy idea because hair metal is all the rage. But they’re all secretly junkies and it’ll fall apart in a few months. Instead, join the band with the scuzzy looking guys wearing flannel.

PB: I dug their songs. But I’m trying to think career-wise.

FB: In a year, something called grunge is going to take over music and those guys are going to have a string of hits. Trust me on this.

PB: No shit.

FB: Absolutely, you’ll make a good amount of money and make better music. Save it and go back to college. You’re going to sour on the music biz, anyway. You’ll find your true calling in particle physics. But unless you’re able to invest some of your own money into your projects, and they’re big projects, everything you invent is going to be owned by this enormous corporation who will do all they can to sweep you under the rug.

PB: Particle physics?

FB: You don’t know shit about it now. But you’ll become one of the leading authorities. And you’ll discover how to travel through time.

PB: That’s amazing.

FB: Also, invest in Apple, Microsoft, Verizon, and AT&T.

PB: Aren’t Apple computers the crappy ones?

FB: They get better. Then they get worse again. It depends on who you talk to.

PB: I’m pretty blown away. What’s the year 2016 like?

FB: It’s been…interesting.

PB: Good interesting?

FB: Well…

PB: What’s the music like? Are people still listening to any of the same stuff?

FB: Well, Prince is selling well at the moment.

PB: Sweet! One of my absolute favorites.

FB: But it’s mostly because he died recently.

PB: Nooo!

FB: And Bowie.

PB: NOOOO! In the same year? Those guys are icons of the era! The very thing that defines a time and place. It’s those two and Michael Jackson.

FB: Yeah…

PB: If you tell me he dies in 2016…

FB: He does not die in 2016.

PB: Thank god.

FB: He died in 2009.

PB: Fuck! Anyone else I should know about? FB: Maurice White.

PB: Damn.

FB: Muhammad Ali.

PB: Shit.

FB: Gene Wilder. Marvin Minksy. Alan Rickman. Harper Lee. George Martin. Keith Emerson.

PB: Jesus…

FB: Garry Shandling. Patty Duke. Merle Haggard. Lemmy died at the end of 2015.

PB: Okay, stop.

FB: And Abe Vigoda.

PB: He’s not dead already?

FB: No, but everyone thinks he is.

PB: What’s technology like?

FB: Technology’s crazy at the moment! Look at this. This is what phones look like in 2016.

PB: It looks like TV.

FB: It is in a way. More powerful than any computers you have now. In fact, people mostly use them as computers instead of phones. But we keep calling them phones.

You can communicate with anyone in the world from any place that you’re standing. You can watch movies. Write to someone in Japan. This device has access to all the world’s knowledge with a poke of your finger.

PB: So are people glued to these things at all times?

FB: Mostly, yes.

PB: That’s probably how dopes like me get into particle physics.

FB: Occasionally. But most people use it to take pictures of their food.

PB: Why would anyone take pictures of their food? FB: So they can show them to friends.

PB: Is there a shortage of food?

FB: No. People just like pictures of it. And cat videos.

PB: Cat videos…

FB: And in 2016, people are using this to catch Pokemon.

PB: What’s Pokemon? FB: They’re cartoon characters in a video game. They exist only in your phone but you look for them in the real world. You catch them, but you’re not really catching anything.

PB: Far out. What else is going on?

FB: Well, the bees are dying.

PB: What do you mean, the bees are dying?

FB: Bees. The bugs. They’re dying.

PB: Why is that?!

FB: No one is quite sure. But a lot of people think it’s because we’ve developed corn that emits its own poison.

PB: Why would anyone do that?

FB: To sell more corn.

PB: I…What else?

FB: Well, evil clowns are trending.

PB: What does that even mean?

FB: Well, the internet has exploded. Everyone uses it, but mostly to socialize even when they’re not in the same room. And some people make friends solely on the internet. Anyway, a few of those friend-making venues thought it would be cool if a bunch of them went out into the real world dressed like evil clowns holding knives to scare people.

PB: For Halloween?

FB: No just for whenever.

PB: Okay, is anything good happening?

FB: The Cubs won the World Series.

PB: THAT is amazing! Did anything horrible happen to make that happen?

FB: No, it’s great. Everyone’s elated.

PB: Unbelievable. I never thought it would happen.

FB: We needed it. It would get more attention if it weren’t for the election.

PB: Oh right! It’s an election year. What happening in politics? Are we still at peace with Russia?

FB: More or less.

PB: Tell me stuff.

FB: Well…We got our first black president in 2008.

PB: Phenomenal!

FB: And gay people can get married in a few states.

PB: Amazing!

FB: Weed has been legalized in a few states, too.

PB: Holy shit. That might be worth the poisoned corn. But who’s running for president in 2016?

FB: …

PB: Brian? FB: Okay so, in a couple years, your new president will be Bill Clinton. He’s currently the governor of Arkansas. People are still on the fence about his legacy. He oversaw a strong economy, but he also got impeached for getting a blowjob from an intern.

PB: Is that impeachable?

FB: Eh.

PB: Okay.

FB: So his wife Hillary is currently a lawyer and social activist. She’ll get directly into politics as a senator in New York and work her way up to Secretary of State. She’s the Democratic nominee for president.

PB: Oh my god! A black president, then a female president! How’s it looking for her?

FB: The polls are neck and neck.

PB: Who’s the Republican nominee?

FB: …

PB: Who’s the Republican nominee, Brian?

FB: …

PB: Why aren’t you answering me?

FB: Donald Trump.

PB: Donald Tr…The rich guy?

FB: Yeah.

PB: Did he switch gears at some point and get into politics?

FB: Not until this year.

PB: You mean…

FB: He’s never held office before. Never run for office.

PB: And he’s the Republican nominee…What’s his platform?

FB: He wants to build a wall on the border with Mexico.

PB: What?

FB: And make Mexico pay for it.

PB: How is that possible?

FB:It’s not. But people are eating it up. He also wants to ban Muslims from entering the country.

PB: Why are people voting for him?

FB: They think he speaks the truth.

PB: And what’s the problem with Hillary Clinton? FB: She used a personal server to send emails? PB: What does that mean?

FB: Emails are like letters, but on a computer. They get sent immediately over the internet. The server is the machine that stores and sends them.

PB: Okay, so what’s the problem?

FB: People are afraid that spies could have stolen secrets because she used a private server.

PB: Did they?

FB: Probably not.

PB: So…

FB: She also got paid to speak to corporations.

PB: Okay…

FB: Some people hate her. They don’t like her voice.

PB: Wait, has Donald Trump gotten into philanthropy or something? FB: No. He bought the Miss Universe pageant, built a few casinos, went bankrupt with some stuff, and became a reality TV star.

P: What’s reality TV? F: It’s like a documentary, but stupid.

P: And why do people think he’ll be a good president?

F: They think he’s good with business.

P: I…I don’t...

F: Look man, 2016 has been a super weird year. Just keep your nose to the grindstone. Churn out some good music and invent time travel. We’re all going to get through this.

P: Wait, you can travel through time. You must have gone to the future to see how things turned out with the election, right?

F: I should get going.

P: Brian…

F: I’ve probably said too much. Don’t disrupt the spacetime continuum. Just keep on.

P: How can you say that now?!

Future Brian hits a button – Buzz - Poof

P: Asshole…

Hey, y’all. I am entered in the Diabelli Contest. I would greatly appreciate it if anyone reading this would go to THIS LINK and rate my piece with 5 stars.

- Go to THE LINK.

- Rate it with 5 stars.

- A window will pop up asking for your email. Ignore the ID/Password bit. That’s just for subscribers.

- They’ll send you an email to confirm a unique vote.

- Click on the link that says “Yes, I voted.”

That’s it.

A bit of background - The Diabelli Contest is in its 2nd year. The mission this year was for composers to write a choral piece based on the Gessobrunner Webet, an 8th Century prayer/poem in Old High German. I wrote a piece, and I pretty damned proud of it. Finalists are partially chosen based on online ratings. If I’m one of 10 finalists, I’ll get to go to Munich and hear my piece performed by a choir in a lovely Bavarian church. If I win, they hand me a big ol’ sack of Euros.

An investigation into…Nay, a CELEBRATION of the lesser candidates in the Senate race of California.

We’ve already examined Pamela Elizondo, Paul Merritt, Tim Gildersleeve,  President Cristina Grappo, Don J. Grundmann, Von Hougo, and Jason Hanania.

Strap in everyone. It’s time for a ride into the mind of MASSIE MUNROE!

Some books and films solidify themselves as great works of art with deft use of a twist ending. Navigating the twist as a literary tool is a rocky road. It can either inject the entire piece with layers of heightened drama (The Usual Suspects) or leave people complaining for...seriously...for fuckin’ years (Lost...Even if you never watched Lost and don’t care about how Lost ended.).

Massie Munroe’s candidate statement for the June 7th election is its own microcosmic masterpiece. The twist ending she implements makes the reader review the entire piece all over again. But on the second read, every word is colored with a different hue, a swath of lunacy embedded in every phrase. Whether it’s a political success or not is irrelevant. It’s edgy, intriguing, causes you to question everything, and should be studied by liberal arts majors. Read on and you’ll see why Massie is The Sixth Sense of Senate candidates.

Before we dig through this, I want to remind everyone that according to candidate Jason Hanania, this statement cost Massie at least $6000 to publish. That’s an honest and dedicated investment. Got that figure in your head? Great. Moving on.

The bulk of Munroe’s statement is well written and lucid. Her views are shamelessly liberal. But whatever your political views are, you have to admit that her writing abilities paint a portrait of a well educated woman who, at first glance, shouldn’t be on my list of nutjobs.

“My candidacy represents the United States Constitution, the only contract between the people of America and America’s government “Of the people, By the people, For the people” to be restored and strengthened in America and extended to the UN as a contract between all people of our world through US leadership and diplomacy.”

OK, the first sentence is a bit of a run-on, but you see a functioning brain working. With a capable editor, this is good news and a worthy sentiment.

“International bankers, multinational corporate leaders, militaries and police must all 100% obey, comply with the Constitution of the US/UN in the Spirit of Truth, Serving All in Peace.”

The capitalized titling of “Spirit of Truth” is a bit wonky. But I’m still with you, Massie. Preach on!

“Transforming from the Industrial Technology Age to the new ‘Energy Technology Era’ will saturate US job markets for the next 500 years.”

That’s a pretty bold statement there. I don’t think that even the most savvy economists are projecting anything over a 500 year span. The country as we know it isn’t even 250 years old. I haven’t seen the musical yet, but I don’t think Alexander Hamilton reported jack shit about the job market in 2016. Even if we become the world leaders in solar energy, that market might be displaced in the year 2376 by an unknown energy source brought to us by the Kanamits when they relieve us of all earthly wants. But hey, we deal with a little bit of hyperbole in every stump speech, right?

“My campaign represents ending international bankers’ rule and their financial exploitation of nations; reestablishing people’s rule by creating a Citizen’s Bank to serve as America’s central bank; ending mind control slavery...”

This is where we start to see the layers of Massie’s well maintained public persona peel away. The whip smart lady working in the cubicle next to yours harbors paranoid fantasies of government brain watching. And now when you think back to all the water cooler conversations you ever had, you realize her polite smiles were accompanied by brief glances to see if you were wearing a hidden microphone. Once the words “mind control slavery” enter the conversation, there’s no going back.

“...ending non-consensual human experimentation;...”

Uh-huh...

“ending hunger, homelessness and violence; protecting earth, water, air forests, oceans and animals;...”

See, that statement would have sounded peachy just a moment ago. But because of the whole mind control thing, now all I can think of is Charles Manson’s ATWA agenda.

“...practicing Christ consciousness...”

Again - before “mind control”, might have been acceptable. Now it’s totally loaded.

“...and implementing constitutional justice under the leadership of the US/UN. Through my national and international research and political activism, I identified “mind control slavery” by satellite energy technology weapons and social engineering programs that have been in continual development for the past 50 years and facilitated their ‘declassification’.”

Remember when the big declassification came and all the papers were flooded with the well-corroborated stories of how the government was turning us into work-zombies with radio signals from satellites? Remember when you thanked Gawd Almighty for the X-Files tenacity of a humble engineer from Glendale that inspired us all to riot in the streets?

I Googled “riot glendale” and this is literally all I could find.

“As a result, I came under heavy sanctions that are ongoing.”

Rite-Aid keeps saying they “ran out” of my hat making material!

“I request you, the voter, to rise above all untrue accusations that assail my good character and heart. See my evidence and review my service.”

Do these eyes make me look crazy?

Do they?!!

And the final blow.

“Senator Bernie Sanders’ presidency is crucial for bringing this into reality.”

Fuck! For the record, I’m a fan and supporter of Sanders. Even if he doesn’t get the nomination, I’m glad he’s been in the race, as he’s raised a number of issues I’ve been wanting someone to talk about for a long time. His popularity has forced Clinton’s campaign to address those issues. At the end of the day, he’s a good egg and a valuable voice.

But I won’t deny that this is exactly what the worst of his supporters look like. If you asked most Republicans to describe their stereotypical picture of a Sanders supporter, the words “mind control slavery” wouldn’t be far from their lips. And knowing that some of his more loony supporters will pay $6000 and run for Senate while invoking his name alongside their Infowars fantasies doesn’t help his campaign.

Massie, please. For the good of the nation, stop. I’ve been keeping up with the campaign and, so far, have never heard Sanders say one word about mind control slavery. It’s not on his agenda, and you’ve no reason to believe so.

Your candidate statement, however is the best Twilight Zone episode that never aired.

An investigation into…Nay, a CELEBRATION of the lesser candidates in the Senate race of California.

We’ve already examined Pamela Elizondo, Paul Merritt, Tim Gildersleeve,  President Cristina Grappo, Don J. Grundmann, and Von Hougo.

Let’s take a really close look at JASON HANANIA!

Umm...Let’s take a closer look at his candidate statement.

Obviously, The Matrix burped and accidentally revealed what we’ve suspected all along - that our nation is being run by robots. Usually, they seem pretty lifelike...

Usually...

But every now and again a glitch will happen. One of them will boot up with the intention of talking human words and out comes a random stream of code that will make sense to few people made of organic material. I guarantee, followers of Lyndon LaRouche are currently marching up and down suburban streets waving this mailer and shouting, “See?! Replicants!”

Assuming there wasn’t a technical snafu at the print shop and that Philip K. Dick’s nightmares aren’t becoming reality, I can only assume that Jason Hanania had a point.

“01100101″ is the binary code your keyboard sends to the computer to get you the lower-case letter “e”. A check into Hanania’s website shows that this is part of a legitimate gripe. The state charges $25 per word or $6000 per paragraph to print these statements. That’s a lot! It explains many of the very brief or nonexistent candidate statements. It also boggles me to know that some of the more delusional candidates have actually paid such fees to publish their more wordy, often sloppy, fountains of drivel. (Wait ‘til I get to Massie Munroe).

FEC rules require a $5k limit on spending without the formation of a campaign committee. This makes a big push for donations necessary to publish even a humble statement in a print mailer that will most likely line someone’s catbox.

There’s a part of me that wants to tell Hanania to suck it up and form a committee because - Hey, elections cost money! But I get it. Money corrupts politics. He’s trying to keep it with the common man. I respect the sentiment.

That said, why “e”?

Apparently, this is part of Hanania’s larger campaign to promote the idea of “e-voting” (GET IT?!!). He’s establishing a platform wherein the American people will vote on individual motions in Congress and that Senators have to do their bidding...Wait...Didn’t I just complain about this same idea with Von Hougo? These guys could be running mates!

I’m not patient enough to sit through Hanania’s entire 30 minute video explaining his e-voting platform. But at a glance, he wants citizens to be able to prioritize and vote on Congressional motions. His ambitions are pretty rosy. He cites an example of whether or not to go to war. The citizens vote Yes or No and the Senator, in kind, votes Yes or No for war. Great!

But what about Bill S. 1492 which...

“...directs the General Services Administration, on behalf of the Archivist of the United States, to offer to convey to the city of Anchorage, Alaska, for not less than fair market value, a parcel of U.S. property in such city consisting of approximately nine acres and improvements located at 400 East Fortieth Avenue that is administered by the National Archives and Records Administration.”

5% of you read that entire paragraph. 1% of you understood it. And fewer than that gave a damn by the end. Americans don’t understand this shit! And they don’t want to deal with it. It’s boring. Americans want to eat hot dogs, get laid, and watch NASCAR. They think the President makes the gas prices. They think Mexico will build a wall for Trump. While I would love to see a streamlined platform in place so that senators may give public opinion full CONSIDERATION, leaving decisions of budgeting and foreign policy to a population where 1 in 4 believe the sun revolves around the earth is a recipe for disaster.

What we need is representatives who show discretion - They’ll listen to the public’s collective opinions, weigh those opinions against evidence, and vote in everyone’s best interest while, hopefully, keeping personal interest at bay. Sound equally rosy? Yes, it is. But it’s still more realistic than thinking that anyone is going to switch from the Walking Dead to C-Span so that they can make an informed decision for Senator Hanania. America is too busy switching faces on Snapchat.

I also want to say this - Hanania printed “01100101″ in a PRINT publication! As a lot of us get our news from the net or TV, I am most likely the only voter under age 70 who read this thing. There is an older generation of voters out there who think the internet is a mysterious cloud of Twitters and Youtubes and - Goldonnit! They just get confused by this damned machine! The mouse hurts my hand! Why does my niece want to go viral?!

These are the people who read “01100101″ and finally had their worst fears confirmed. Right now, a grandmother is crying because she thinks she’ll never be able to talk to her grandkids again since they now speak entirely in code. Hanania sent his candidate statement to a bunch of retirees who all heard bleepity-bloop-bloop-ziggitty-beep and now they’re having to come to terms with the idea that robots will eventually eat them because they’re bones are too old for working and they never learned how to program the VCR much less understand why their phones look like TV now. Thanks for crushing the dreams of old people Android Hanania. You’re a peach.

An investigation into…Nay, a CELEBRATION of the lesser candidates in the Senate race of California.

We’ve already examined Pamela Elizondo, Paul Merritt, Tim Gildersleeve,  President Cristina Grappo, and Don J. Grundmann.

Let’s look at candidate VON HOUGO!

First of all, Von Hougo sounds like a Viking name, so I immediately want to like him despite his Republican status. Setting aside all imagery of Von Hougo riding a dragon into vampire battles, however, it’s my civic duty to pick apart what he says.

Hougo appears to be a thousand steps ahead of the other candidates because he’s able to assemble words into sentences that make sense. He’s got a tie. He’s got a website. Looks good. But his entire campaign is predicated on an ambitious/bad idea.

“As your U.S. Senator, I will work with California-based tech companies to develop a voter-driven platform that allows you to voice your opinion on every Bill before the Senate. Each Bill will be outlined with the pros, cons, benefits, risks, and cost analysis. You can cast your vote and the statewide results will be displayed in real time. I will vote in the Senate based on the majority vote of Californians - every single time.”

A part of me admires Von’s commitment to absolute populism. Everyone wants his voice to be heard, after all. But this idea tells me that Von Hougo has never tried to accomplish anything before, as he’s entirely unfamiliar with the phrase “too many cooks”.

A civics lesson!

I’m already perturbed that California's state ballots have included so many fiscal measures over the past few years, which is how we got a bullet train/money pit project underway that no one was asking for. The average voter doesn’t understand what a bond is. The average voter will largely vote for a person or measure because he’s heard of it.

Von Hougo wants to take this to the national stage and apply it to every decision.

Look, I’m a reasonably well educated, thoughtful voter, and I don’t know what Congress is working on 90% of the time because I’ve got other shit to do. I’ve got a job, career ambitions, a kid, etc. You can’t expect voters to juggle work, family, and drug habits, AND decide the fate of the nation on EVERY SINGLE BILL. That’s why we elect representatives, dude! You’re supposed to go and make decisions in our honor. I have a hard enough time getting a band of four guys to agree on a set list when playing at a bar. This is akin to walking onstage and asking the audience to put the set list together for us. Everyone shouts their opinion, we never get to play before closing time, and everyone goes home sober, celibate, and sad.

Also, keep in mind who your most active participants will be. Don J. Grundmann will be on this like flies on shit, pounding away at an iPad until he’s the only voice left. Every wingnut who ever had a vision of Vishnu warning him against the oncoming Klingon war will be an adamant participant while sane citizens will be too occupied with the non-hallucinatory realm of daily life. Hougo will have enslaved himself to the whims of jokey hipsters who will “ironically” vote for war with China. If every Senator did this, our economy would take a nosedive, our infrastructure would crumble, but we’d have a waterslide down Mt. Rushmore and we’d invade Italy to take their pizza.

Trust me, Von. You don’t want to hear what everyone has to say. The same population that makes Honey Boo Boo a recognizable name is not the population you want voting on foreign policy. I looked at your website. You’re a teacher. By all means, plan your daily lessons around student voting and see how quickly you start working at Ice Cream Party High School.

Goddammit, I should be working on a money gig. But political responsibility beckons. We’ve already examined Pamela Elizondo, Paul Merritt, Tim Gildersleeve, and President Cristina Grappo.

Let’s head down the rabbit-hole of DON J. GRUNDMANN!

Don’s candidate statement is a no frills affair. No party. Nothing to say. Just his website: Fight-the-Power.org

For a moment, I wanted to love this guy. He doesn’t need to explain himself. Simple, straight-forward, with a possible Public Enemy reference.

Then I checked out his site...

Oh...

Hmmm...

I see...

The remainder of Don’s site is a racist, homophobic, paranoid run-on sentence involving every conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard and some more including 9/11, JFK’s assassination, RFK’s assassination, climate change, Darwinism, vaccines...You name it. All this ensures that Don’s tinfoil hat is securely in place while he navigates his way out of the Matrix. Think that last sentence is a joke? Here’s one of the first articles you’ll find:

He labels transgender people as psychotic, patronizingly “schools” black people on how their support of Planned Parenthood is aiding their own genocide, and constantly refers to the Bible for “facts”.

I’d honestly find the guy offensive if I hadn’t seen douchebags like him rant a thousand times at Venice Beach, and felt totally confident that no one able to make a sandwich will ever take him seriously. But his candidacy does highlight the fact that a person can suffer from egregious mental illness and still run for office. A quick Google search shows that he’s been running for the Senate AND Presidency as far back as 2008. Maybe farther. It stops being funny and gets a little sad. Surely, this guy is unable to keep a job, probably wandering the streets of San Leandro shouting at fire hydrants, panhandling just enough money to file for the election every cycle, when he should be saving it up for a Greyhound to Florida so he can live with his own kind, right? He must be straight-up destitute, right?

No. He’s a chiropractor. OF COURSE, he’s a chiropractor! Has a place of business and everything. Fuck this guy.

Don’t look at his site unless you have a saint’s patience and find that reading James Joyce makes too much sense. It’s not worth it. If you want to indulge and watch Don rant about the evils of public education while wearing a devil costume, enjoy.

An investigation into…Nay, a CELEBRATION of the lesser candidates in the Senate race of California.

We’ve already looked at Paul Merritt and Pamela Elizondo. Let’s look at a couple more candidates from my proud state.

First up...TIM GILDERSLEEVE!

Gildersleeve hails from my hometown of San Jose, which tells me everything I need to know. His candidate statement reads as such:

“I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I stand for the poor, elderly, and disabled, environmental issues, unions, small business, and represent the average citizen. My website is: http://alternativevoiceforamerica.org.”

I’m an atheist. So my back tends to go up whenever someone invokes Jeebus right off the bat. But I will hand one thing to Tim Gildersleeve - I commend him for backing up that statement with actual Christian philosophy. I’m far too accustomed to politicians announcing their Christianity with the next words out of their mouths being, “Get rid of all the Mexicans! I’m tired of giving handouts to poor people! Let’s bomb a brown-people country! Guns! Guns! Guns!”

My issue with Tim has more to do with his photo. C’mon, dude! You’re running for Senator! Put on a fuckin’ tie. Squinty in the sunlight against a brick wall wearing a t-shirt tells me one thing: This person might currently be in prison.

Tell me I’m wrong.

Moving on, let’s have a look at...I’m not making this up...PRESIDENT CRISTINA GRAPPO!

Now, if this woman’s parents actually named her President, I am slow-clapping in the name of their fantastic cajones. That takes balls. It also shows that they had reeeeaally high, really misplaced, hopes for this kid.

If she named herself President, we have a new set of problems - namely, that she’s not running for President. That’s a simple facet of the electoral process that I would hope she’d be familiar with by this point. Nevertheless, I would be tickled pink to see her elected so that people would be forced to refer to her as “Senator President”.

Let’s look at her statement...

“My education & expertise merits this prolific occupation in order to represent California, as United Senator.”

That was impressive! In one sentence, she was able to pack in a total misunderstanding of the word prolific, an unnecessary comma, and an unauthorized abbreviation of the post of United States Senator. I think we can all agree that the phrase is just too damn long as it is.

“I hold a Democratic Party platform with key issues for gun control, human trafficking, balancing the national deficit, and foreign policy initiatives. I am mainstream Facebook in social media! My core values drive America!”

If there’s one thing I’ve been looking for in a senator, it’s someone who is mainstream Facebook in social media. Frankly, I got tired of Barbara Boxer hanging out in all her hipster underground social media dens, sharing cat pictures with the Illuminati, not letting anyone else into the party.

Speaking of Facebook, let’s look Grappo up.

Grappo has two pages, both of which exude unimaginable confidence, as she has already declared herself 45th President of the United States. Fuck you, Tony Robbins! I want all my future pep talks led by President Cristina Grappo, a woman who’s self-image is in no way hindered by the shackles of reality.

Grappo’s mainstream Facebook pages keep us up on all the earth-shattering activities that her future administration will be grappling with.

And also the occasional...necktie emoticon.

Her future position is a surprise even to those closest to her.

And in recent days she is driving the point home by entirely losing sight of the SHIFT key.

But know this. If one person is going to congratulate President Cristina Grappo on a job well done...It’s PRESIDENT CRISTINA GRAPPO!

You know what? Fuck it! Right now America is looking down the abyss of a reality TV star/wrestling personality/shouting xenophobic toupee jockey actually winning the highest office in the land. I’m over it. Let’s elect President Cristina and watch the world burn.

An investigation into…Nay, a CELEBRATION of the lesser candidates in the Senate race of California.

Yesterday, I wrote about candidate Pamela Elizondo. Let’s continue our analysis of the candidates with a look at Paul Merritt.

Think about the things you would do if you decided to run for office. You’d probably hit up a few community events - churches, charities, city councils, etc. You’d make a few connections and pull in some well-moneyed people to invest. Then you’d hire a strategist, a publicist, etc. At the very least, you might hire a proofreader. Hell, you could find one on Fiverr. Or you could simply ask a well read friend to look over your crap.

But you’re a studious reader of blogs. You’re not Paul Merritt, a man who isn’t about to be held down by the conventions of the English language.

At first glance, he seems like a standard, run-of-the-mill candidate (old white guy wearing a tie). But let’s read his candidate statement. And keep in mind, this is what he chose to publish so that the state of California might love him. I assure you, the typos are not mine.

“California make history...”

Trog make good leader! Trog go to Washington and talk fancy and eat big steaks! Trog love politics!

“...elect an independent Senator Merritt. Elect an independent thinker. Elect the person, not the Party-in-power’s. Our National government is a shambles.”

It’s here that we start to see Paul’s willy-nilly use of capitalization and apostrophes. He doesn’t capitalize proper nouns. He capitalizes shit he cares about. Paul’s sense of grammar and syntax is emotional. He’s a rebel at heart.

Also, we could talk for hours about the philosophical implications of the “Party-in-power’s” apostrophe. He asks that you elect a person. Yet the possessive implies that the party has a person, who is also a person. Now we’re talking about two people, but he’s trying to say that he’s more of a person than the other person. That’s the campaign of Merritt for you. He’s more of a person than you (tm).

“Merritt is solid on international issues.”

Don’t worry, everyone. He’s solid. Experienced? Well...solid.

“I believe in Faith, respect people and all religions.”

To grammatically deconstruct - He believes in a woman named Faith, he believes in “respect people”, and he believes in all religions.

“Merritt supports Senator Feinstein’s boarder security fence,...”

No patrons of inns will make their way into California while I’m charge!

“...,no offshore oil drilling, and our desert environmental protection Act.”

Again, he’s cares about this, but only the “act” part. Not an act. An Act!

On a side note, I am amazed and delighted that he did not spell desert as dessert.

“Merritt adheres that President Reagan’s idea on small government is best.”

I... I don’t know where we go with this one. Not only does he clearly misunderstand the definition of adhere, I think he might be the first person to misunderstand it in this way. I would love it if this were run through some thesaurus app so that it read, “Merritt glues that President Reagan’s idea on small government is best.” If we were all on shrooms, that statement would make perfect sense.

Then shit gets real. Dig this...

“Background: two law degrees, broker, hotel owner, elected city councilperson.”

W...T...F! At this point, I threw down my mailer, spat on it, and had a long talk in the mirror about what I’ve been doing with my life. All this time that I’ve been concerned about proper language usage and presenting myself with dignity, Maverick Merritt has been spilling beer on his keyboard and SUCCEEDING AT LIFE. He has acquired two...TWO LAW DEGREES! He owns a hotel! HE HAS ALREADY WON A MUNICIPAL ELECTION!

Now, I know we don’t have the full story. His hotel might be a fleabag. He might have gotten his degrees at Bryman. But the resume looks pretty good. And at some point, I would think that such activities would have demanded that he write a comprehensive sentence. But apparently, I know jack shit about what people want, because Paul’s scooting by just fine.

“Homeowner boards: Palm Springs, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Orange County.”

Please, don’t tell me that this means he owns a home in all those cities.

“Life member Nature Conservancy. Most Billionaire Republicans and Union boss Democrats don’t represent you!”

This is where I actually appreciate the capitalization. If a cabal of right-wingers just out-and-out formed the Billionaire Republican Party, I would have to respect their honesty.

“Merritt is Independent for all Citizens. Paul Merritt is a Californian!”

Yes, you are Paul. That is the one thing I cannot question. You are a Californian.

Lest you think this was a rough copy that accidentally got sent to Sacramento, check out his campaign/real estate stock photo website. It’s the exact same statement, errors and all. Also, please enjoy the fact that his Facebook and Twitter links don’t take you to HIS Facebook nor Twitter. They just take you to Facebook and Twitter. You know, the websites. The ones we all use.

An investigation into...Nay, a CELEBRATION of the lesser candidates in the Senate race of California.

California Senator Barbara Boxer is retiring. She’s been pretty danged popular and hasn’t come up against any significant competition over the past couple decades. With her retirement comes a small slew of candidates champing at the bit to take over a post that would hardly be available if she decided to run again.

It’s pretty much Kamala Harris’s race to lose. She’s been serving as California’s Attorney General and has a lot of fans. You’ve also got US Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez, who should receive a medal for pulling off the magic trick of being a Democrat elected in Orange County. Polls show her in second place. Some Republicans are in there (Tom Del Beccaro, Rock Chavez), but this position has historically gone to a Democrat and they’d have to be real wizards to pull it off.

Anyway, this blog isn’t about any of them.

Right now, California voters are getting this reader in the mail. In an age where we largely get our political info from the net and TV, a print mailer might seem like a relic. But I implore you - Do not throw this away. If you do, you are throwing away COMEDY GOLD!

What this mailer provides is all the other candidates - the lunatics who don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting elected. It’s full of social derelicts, screwballs, and people who literally have no other job prospects. To declare one’s candidacy, you either have to pay a fee or get a bunch of signatures. Either way, this mailer is a fantastic indicator that the bar for candidacy is set fantastically low. This is a good thing for democracy, as anyone SHOULD be able to run. But rudimentary logic and good Samaritanism wants us to phone these people and tell them to pack their delusional political bags. I don’t have the fortitude to offer any real political analysis. Instead, I’m just going to make fun of these wayward leaders. Bless their hearts. They’re political lives will not shake the election one whit. They’re protest runs will fall entirely upon deaf ears. They are running, in short, because they have nothing better to do.

Let’s start with Pamela Elizondo.

Notice anything interesting about this? Let’s compare and contrast with the candidate just below her in the mailer. 

Now do you notice anything interesting? Agbede has already shown that he’s fifty times the candidate Elizondo is by typing words into the form of a paragraph. This is the “Candidate Statement” section where the candidate is given the opportunity to expound his or her thoughts, put forth an agenda, and earn our votes! Pamela has shown us that she...exists. She’s just there. She provides a picture, so we do know that she’s human. She’s got a Yahoo email address. And she lives in Laytonville. I’ve lived in California my entire life, and I had to Google Laytonville to figure out where it was. Apparently, it’s a “census-designated place” in the upper regions of the state with a population of 3000. It hosts an event called the Kate Wolf Music Festival and, apparently, is home to a teen who recently stabbed two family members and feels fuckin’ great about it. 

Things to do in Laytonville!

“But stop!” you say. “You’re being unfair. I see a URL for a Facebook page where, surely, she will go into great detail about her motivations for a Senate run and why she is the best candidate.”

You’re right. I was being rash. Let’s have a look at that Facebook page.

From what I can tell here, Pamela gets tired really easily. At some point, she got a Green Party bug up her ass, filled out the paperwork, either forked over about $3K or got a bunch of signatures, sent in her picture to the capital, all presumably wearing a cape of her own design and shouting to the Sierra Nevadas that she was going to bring democracy back to America! Then when it came time to actually upload that same picture to a Facebook page, she threw her hands up and said, “Aw, it’s just too fuckin’ hard!” That one sentence you see in the Intro section that ignores all standards of capitalization and punctuation? That is literally the only thing written on her Facebook page and all I know about Pamela Elizondo, candidate for Senator. No strategy for the Golden State. No animated American flag gif. No story of coming up from nothing to be where she is today. Pamela started strong and just ran out of steam.

Keep in mind, the election is less than a month away. So if she’s making plans to fill this thing out later, she may want to hop on it.

Taking a break from the presidential election - Hey, vote for my choral piece!

I’m a composer, and I’ve got a piece up in the Diabelli Competition right now. The challenge was to write a choral work around the 8th Century German poem “Wessobrunner Gebet“. Finalists will, in part, be chosen based on the ratings of online listeners. If I’m a finalist, I get to go hear my work performed in Munich. If I win, they hand me some of that sweet, sweet European arts funding.

So, if you are so moved, go to: http://www.diabelli-contest.com/en/contest/composition/id/35459#interpretation=1

- Rank the piece 5 stars on the upper right side

- A pop up window will ask you for your email to confirm a unique vote (no spam). Ignore the username/password bit. That’s for people registering. Enter your email and click Send.

- You’ll get a confirmation email with a buttong that says, “Yes, I voted.” Click it.

For some unholy reason, this blog has gone viral over the past few days. A thousand people have reposted it on my Facebook feed. Usually this stuff brushes past me and saunters off into the abyss where new agey advice goes to die. But this time, I clicked, I read, and I became indescribably pissed off.

Here's the form of the article: It's a list of 30 things the authors assume you are doing to damage your life, things that only they have the insight to warn you of, accompanied by an image allegedly supporting each lesson. Most of it consists of obvious nuggets of wisdom you should have figured out by the time you left college. They are mostly givens for an adult life. I only take issue with a few of them. Most of my problems are with the shoddy web design/image choices. Here are some highlights.

#1. Stop spending time with the wrong people

Pretty simple idea. Hopefully, you nailed this one the first time your junior high buddy spit milk on your Sloppy Joe and set it on fire. The sentiment is valuable. I have a problem with the image.

Image by pongboy

Is this frog supposed to represent a shitty friend? A bad romantic relationship? Look at that guy? What did he ever do besides not bathe like a human? Sure, he's covered in mud, but he's amphibious. That's more than you can claim, Big-Handed-Self-Help-Jerk-Ready-To-Toss-A-Forlorn-Frog-Aside-Guy. How about a rule encouraging people to not judge animals because they're dirty?

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner.

Again, a worthy argument. Here's the picture.

Whoever took this picture isn't putting anything on the back burner except possibly pruning the grapevines adorning his opulent Mediterranean estate. Don't worry. This guy took your advice long ago.

#5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not.

This kid is probably...No, this kid is definitely blind. If he's trying to convince Mr. Rogers that he's not blind, he's doing a pretty crappy job what with the unfocused eyes and all the face-touching. But moreover, this is a poor metaphor for the article's audience. They're probably encouraging you to abstain from telling the hot babe at the bar that you're a film producer. They really intend for you to not rent a Porsche for your class reunion. But blind people will generally hit a higher wall than you trying to convince others that they are not blind, usually when it comes to meeting TV hosts or crossing the street. The next time you meet a blind person, ask him how many times he's tried to convince others that he can see. Then note the dexterity with which he can clock you in the face.

#6. Stop trying to hold onto the past.

Image by Max Rossi/Reuters

This is an image of the Costa Concordia disaster in which 32 people lost their lives and 5 crew members were found guilty of manslaughter by way of negligence. I guarantee - No one involved in this event is trying to hold onto the past. Everybody would be pretty darned happy to forget the whole thing, including the dummy captain who turned off the navigation system and ordered the boat into rocky waters so he could wave 'Hi' to his family. Nobody is enjoying themselves except for the cynical retirees sunbathing by the watery grave of strangers. Is this supposed to make me chuckle and say, "Hey, we all make mistakes"? People died here, man!

#10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.

Image by Andy Hutchinson

Stop looking to others for happiness. Now enjoy this picture of a gorgeous island you don't live on.

#11. Stop being idle.

Everyone should read Bertrand Russell's classic essay "In Praise of Idleness". The point he makes is that the adage of sweaty work being the only path to a virtuous life is a scam handed down by a caste of landowners reaping profit off the toil of others. He posits that in an equal society, we could spread out the work, still make profit, and take some time off to enjoy our friggin' lives before we die. Before you start shouting, "Communist!", don't worry. He makes a good point of noting how the USSR mucked it up and pretty much became the same as their predecessors. 

The larger point is that idleness is the seed of all creativity. Don't get me wrong. It comes in different forms. Putzing around on Facebook and watching Jersey Shore are forms of idleness that make you feel as if you're being active even though you're not. Hours pass and all you've done was yuk at a bunch of LOLCats. But it's no accident that the great thinkers of the world have gotten their best ideas in the shower. Why? Because all they're doing is worshing the ol' nuts. They are distracted by nothing. It is the most common and most pure form of meditation. Advice like "Stop being idle" is, frankly, a symptom of a go-get-'em mentality dead set on financial success and bereft of any inquiry towards wisdom. I advise a balance of work and play. Make some money. Then take some time to make a card house or stare at the wall. You might strike upon an idea to build robotic dragons or you might not. But at least you'll have enjoyed a few minutes of your life and quit worrying about striking it rich.

Now, here's the picture.

Image at betterphoto.com

Is that girl...Is she jumping into a sea of bones?!

#15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else.

Here's the picture.

Image by claudio campa

Alright, don't worry about competing with everyone else. But shit, try to keep up! Don't dangle off the side of a mountain solo just so you can tell your hippie friends how independent you are.

#18. Stop holding grudges.

Look at this guy. He couldn't hold a grudge if it was slathered in bacon. He is a blissful beast mystified by the miracle of snow. Again, unlike this blog's readership, it's not that he's overcome holding a grudge. He can't hold a grudge. He is a simple, thumbless dummy as unaware of the troubles of the world as he is of the leaf on his head.

#22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments.

Image by Mike Killian

Yep, stop overlooking the beauty of small moments...like the Asgardian ring of fire shooting through the sky!! In which country do we regard this as a "small moment", and when can I move there? Are the lakes made purely out of cocktails?

#23. Stop trying to make things perfect.

W...T...living...F, self-help blog! Did you think that rat was taking a cozy nap and cuddling up to his favorite human? That rat is dead, and that child just had her first brush with mortality. I, for one, actually think that rats can be cute and make great pets...in the right circumstances! But I'm going to lay down money that this picture was not taken in an OSHA-approved world. I'm betting that hydrogen peroxide won't be found for miles and miles.You just showed me a picture of a little girl of the Third World devastated by the loss of the only friend she ever knew, a dead rat currently leaking rabies all over her. I get that we don't have to make things perfect, self-help blog. But do we have to make them this awful?

#29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen.

THIS IS AN ENTIRE LIST OF THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HAPPEN! Not to play semantics, but I haven't read one thing you want me to actually do, self-help blog. You've given me 28 arduous Whole Foods-culture commandments of shit you don't want me to do, shit you assume I'm already doing. And now you're going to encourage me to get active? Active at what? I can't find the link for 30 Things You Should Be Doing to Yourself. Here's the picture.

Image by Sarolta Bán

You know what I really don't want to happen? I don't want a little girl to get eaten by a bear. That is clearly the next image in this series. Here's a pro-tip for all you new parents out there. The next time the cinematographer from The Ring offers to shoot pictures of your little one petting a forest-dwelling carnivore that survives solely on the bodies of smaller beings, politely decline.

You can read the rest of the thing if you're into that stuff. Better yet, I've got my own list:

30 Things to Stop Doing Altogether

Doing my part to cut through the swarm of information. I haven't had the patience to write something similar myself (appropriately enough), so I'll just repost this link:

Just read this article about Kansas state Rep. Pete DeGraaf arguing that if a raped woman wants an abortion, she should prepare for it ahead of time because, as he says, it's just like keeping a spare tire in your car. Go ahead, read it: http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/2011/05/pete_degraaf_rape_flat_tire.php

The writer of this particular article got brownie point from me for showing some journalistic gusto and sticking DeGraaf's work and home phone numbers up there, as well as his email address. Here's what I wrote to the quack...