07/06/2018 - 10:19pm - I could do this shit forever
The point of these things are to talk without thinking. Without a filter. Without trying to make it sound like a cohesive piece of writing
i want this shit to come out like something that no one else would be able to do becasue in order to get it to read the same way they would have to type without thinking, without effort. And if they did that then it reflect their own conciousness, not mine. Id like to think that i am transparent when im typing this kinda stuff. even when i typer transparent just then i already had the word on call, i didnt have to stop and look up a thesaurus word.Â
Im kinda nice when it comes to words sometimes.
because once you do it you cant undo it. thats it. you cant go back. if you had a killer trip to wyoming and you rode horses adn did hiking or whatever kinda shit they do in wyoming, you could go back and do it again. thats whats great about wyoming. thats what great about travelling anywhere. but thats also the thing that seperates travel from growing up.Â
I cant go back to my freshman summer of high school. I cant go back to the subdivison that i grew up in and be in a world where the limits were still inside the county. I cant go back and run through neighborhoods with fireworks looking to cause enough trouble to get someone chasing us but not so much that we’d get caught. That shit is gone.Â
I cant go back to the nights where id sit next to a girl on the back porch of her house an hour away from my parents home. I mean, i could go there but i cant make her a stranger again. I sat in a patio chair pulled up next to a girl i had met at work and decided to spend time with her. I cant go back to only knowing her for a few weeks. That shit was soÂ
i dont even have a word for it. it was new. It was something i hadnt had before. I remember telling my best friend about this girl i met at my new job, she had just followed me on instagram. i followed her back. she liked a photo of mine. I like one of hers. we commented on eachothers pics until i told her i would ask her for her number next time i saw her. hah
she dm’d me her number. i remember that.Â
And now im sitting at a desk in an empty duplex apartment in northern chicago. One of the largest cities in north america, in the United States of America. My window is open because of how warm it is. The ambient sound of jet engines passing over, emergency vehical sirens, accelerating engines that sound like theyre about to burst all mixed together with the subtle hum of everything thats going on out here. Thats what i think i like most about growing up; all the shit you can look back on and feel the weight of, all those times that you wont ever really be able to visit again... all of that is going on right now. We’re in that shit right now. And years from now when im 30 and looking back at who i was as a young 21 year old sitting on the cutting edge of the universe, im gonna feel my heart sink when i face the reality that i wont be there again. Ill be so infatuated with this time, but no matter how much i’ll love it no matter how much i miss it, this time that im in right now will be gone.
and here i am. right now, right in it. Right in the moment, in this era of my Life that years from now i’m gonna look back on. i might cry i dont know its too soon to tell. Imma be hella emotional by then so i could see it.
i love this shit so much. so damn much i love thisÂ
i was younger once too, now im older
ill be older than i am right now still
but there was a time that i was younger
there was a time when i dreamed about when i would be older
when i was younger, i said, “when im older ill be better”
when i was younger i looked at the older kids and said “when im older, ill be that fast, ill be that strong”
When i was younger i looked at the world and said “ill be able to do it all when im older”
when i was younger it was hard to live in a world where there was alot to do for older people, but a much more limited list of things to do for the younger people
when i was younger it was hard, but i knew if i could just get older it would be easier to do
it was hard becasue i was younger and it would get better as i got older
Now I am older. Im older and its still hard, and its only getting harder. The older you get the more there is that you have to do. and all those things are hard to. The things that were hard when i was younger got easier, but they became insignificant and got replaced by other things that were harder than that.Â
Its alot, and the older you get the more there is to it. the harder it gets. theres a lot more things for me to take care of now and alot more things that i have to get better at as i get older
look at all that i did. i made it out of my parents home. i made it out of the town i grew up in. I bought what i wanted. I had ice cream at 9:30pm because i had my own money. I rode my bike where i wasnt supposed to becasue im good at riding a bike. I am Better at everything i wanted to get better at. Right Now I am older and I am better.Â
I think the trick of it all is that when you’re younger you look in the future and see yourself being better and having everything under control, but you never quite get there, because no matter how old you get, there will always be more for you to get better at, when you get all the problems you had when you were younger under control new problems will surface and you’ll imagine a future where you have those problems under control
look how far you made it. Brh your imagining a future where your problems are solved and youve got everything together and your better but look where you are now! look at all the shit you figured out! look at all the messes that you got out of and all the crazy bullshit that you got out of.Â
Look at where you are right now man this shit is wild.
and there will be a time where you are even older than you are right now still
i dont know if there will ever be apoint where im gonna sit in a chair and say “wow this is really it, this is what i was looking for this whole time”
if a moment like that really does exist then its every moment.
Every waking moment of your Life. Before you step through the threshold of that door
before you get on that bike
before you step on the stage
before you walk onto that runway
before you make that jump or whatever the fuck it is that youre about to do
wait an extra moment than you usually would and step back