Channel

I want my page to be a fully immersive experience for whoever comes by and checks the message in a bottle. Thats how i feel right now. I wanna upload on the daily. I wanna have a place where people can see my growth in real time. I wanna be more commited than i am currently. I wanna wake up and be as inspired as i am in the moment. 

everyday isnt a win thats how it is, i guess. if it was that would be a wild Life. Most my days are on the up in fall 2018 tho. Daniel Ceaser put out a sinlge yesteday and its been on repeat all night. Right now i feel like i can create something that will far outlive myself. A time capsule generated in real time on the day to day. I am a small moment in time. Im a kid living in the 21st century. a piece of history. I could document my Life how i see it and in a completely transparent lens. For other people to understand what it was like living in America in 2018. What its like manifesting your dreams. the process. the beauty on regular days. the heaviness of valleys when shit doesnt go right. I can paint this Life however i want it to look. i dont have to keep telling the same story that everyone else is flipping through. 

The world today is fried. Overdone. a sinking ship. but how can one person make a change to something that has been hurdling toward the final iceberg for centuries? Im so sure of what im here for. My purpose. What i really want. I feel it all right close. around the corner. Like its already here for me all i have to do is step into it. Change the perspective. you dont have to change the story to change the context. you can film all the same scenes through a different lens.

actually im laying on a mattress sitting on top of a box spring with a couple duffle bags of clothing, a powerless imac, a bummy acoustic guitar and a few pairs of shoes.

plus a laundry basket.

i cleared everything else out of the building and stored it downtown for free in the back of the segway shop ive been at all summer. i spent the last 2 hours laying in bed, not sleeping but resting. doing nothing. theres sunlight coming through the one window making the light canary yellow walls glow. 

it was even better a couple of hours ago.

laying here these past few hours has made things feel like im back in michigan. i have nothing to do today. even if i wanted to all i can do is sit in my room on my bed on the computer. or hop on my bike which is what is coming next in a mater of minutes.

thats how i feel. 

in reality i can do a lot more. there are things to be done, its just harder to see when youre being distracted by everything that fights for your attention on a daily basis. being in this room with the walls stripped of posters and floors cleared of all unnecessary belongs it feels like a veil got dissolved from my perspective. this is an empty room. this room has been good to me. and once im gone its gonna continue to be a room for somebody else.

but i do feel like a shift has occurred. im aware of how veiled off my day to day Life has been the past year. its like the conversation i was having earlier with Christian while we were on our way back from putting all of my possessions away in storage for the rest of the month; something about being comfortable  makes you weak. its not that everything in Life gets harder, its more ofa situation where people never have to go through trials and tribulations to stay alive, so as a result it creates a culture of humans in despair because their inability to properly deal with problems that arent actually problems that should cause massive unrest in the psyche.

theres nothing for me in this bedroom, there is no justifiable reason that im laying in bed right now. im not tired. im not sleeping. im up but im spending my time in bed like i dont know that im letting everything ive ever wanted slip through my fingers.i sit her an crack my knuckles out of habit. i dont like cracking my knuckles, i think it makes me look weak but i continue to do it the same way that i am still here in this bed giving attention to thoughts that serve no benefit to anyone, not even myself.

and this is the way it will always be. nothing is gonna change while im sitting in this bed. things arent gonna start happening. im not gonna see the manifestation of any hard work applied to a vision.

 I think therefore i am is the quote on mind right now.

some dude said this some hundred years back and im here right now in the 21st century talking about it via the internet.

good for him.

I wont go into details about what it is that I think about. Far too much to boil down into a text post, its not important. Im not looking to talk about what it is i think I am. Who I think I am would be a better way to phrase that. The main thing i want to address is the dissonance between who i think i am and what i project into the world.

THere is a gap, more of a ravine; im thinking of the grand canyon for those who need a vivid picture painted. I dont have actions that reflect my thoughts which i will self diagnose as the most enduring symptom of my fucked up psyche. I spend a lot of time wasted and im aware of it. Not because i like sitting and staring at a screen watching shit i dont care about and wont recall, I waste my time because my day to day interactions with others portray an ordinary kid who has no vision.

I feel like im circling what im trying to say so ill make it brief.

when I start being the person that i think of myself as, this dissonance will be relieved and true self will be free to paint the world with my color. Until then...

The point of these things are to talk without thinking. Without a filter. Without trying to make it sound like a cohesive piece of writing

i want this shit to come out like something that no one else would be able to do becasue in order to get it to read the same way they would have to type without thinking, without effort. And if they did that then it reflect their own conciousness, not mine. Id like to think that i am transparent when im typing this kinda stuff. even when i typer transparent just then i already had the word on call, i didnt have to stop and look up a thesaurus word. 

Im kinda nice when it comes to words sometimes.

growing up is a trip tho

because once you do it you cant undo it. thats it. you cant go back. if you had a killer trip to wyoming and you rode horses adn did hiking or whatever kinda shit they do in wyoming, you could go back and do it again. thats whats great about wyoming. thats what great about travelling anywhere. but thats also the thing that seperates travel from growing up. 

I cant go back to my freshman summer of high school. I cant go back to the subdivison that i grew up in and be in a world where the limits were still inside the county. I cant go back and run through neighborhoods with fireworks looking to cause enough trouble to get someone chasing us but not so much that we’d get caught. That shit is gone.  I cant go back to the nights where id sit next to a girl on the back porch of her house an hour away from my parents home. I mean, i could go there but i cant make her a stranger again. I sat in a patio chair pulled up next to a girl i had met at work and decided to spend time with her. I cant go back to only knowing her for a few weeks. That shit was so 

i dont even have a word for it. it was new. It was something i hadnt had before. I remember telling my best friend about this girl i met at my new job, she had just followed me on instagram. i followed her back. she liked a photo of mine. I like one of hers. we commented on eachothers pics until i told her i would ask her for her number next time i saw her. hah

she dm’d me her number. i remember that. 

And now im sitting at a desk in an empty duplex apartment in northern chicago. One of the largest cities in north america, in the United States of America. My window is open because of how warm it is. The ambient sound of jet engines passing over, emergency vehical sirens, accelerating engines that sound like theyre about to burst all mixed together with the subtle hum of everything thats going on out here. Thats what i think i like most about growing up; all the shit you can look back on and feel the weight of, all those times that you wont ever really be able to visit again... all of that is going on right now. We’re in that shit right now. And years from now when im 30 and looking back at who i was as a young 21 year old sitting on the cutting edge of the universe, im gonna feel my heart sink when i face the reality that i wont be there again. Ill be so infatuated with this time, but no matter how much i’ll love it no matter how much i miss it, this time that im in right now will be gone.

its a heartbreak

and here i am. right now, right in it. Right in the moment, in this era of my Life that years from now i’m gonna look back on. i might cry i dont know its too soon to tell. Imma be hella emotional by then so i could see it.

i love this shit so much. so damn much i love this 

look at me

i was younger once too, now im older

ill be older than i am right now still

but there was a time that i was younger

there was a time when i dreamed about when i would be older

when i was younger, i said, “when im older ill be better”

when i was younger i looked at the older kids and said “when im older, ill be that fast, ill be that strong”

When i was younger i looked at the world and said “ill be able to do it all when im older”

when i was younger it was hard to live in a world where there was alot to do for older people, but a much more limited list of things to do for the younger people

when i was younger it was hard, but i knew if i could just get older it would be easier to do

it was hard becasue i was younger and it would get better as i got older

Now I am older. Im older and its still hard, and its only getting harder. The older you get the more there is that you have to do. and all those things are hard to. The things that were hard when i was younger got easier, but they became insignificant and got replaced by other things that were harder than that. 

Its alot, and the older you get the more there is to it. the harder it gets. theres a lot more things for me to take care of now and alot more things that i have to get better at as i get older

but look at me now

i am older

look at all that i did. i made it out of my parents home. i made it out of the town i grew up in. I bought what i wanted. I had ice cream at 9:30pm because i had my own money. I rode my bike where i wasnt supposed to becasue im good at riding a bike. I am Better at everything i wanted to get better at. Right Now I am older and I am better. 

I think the trick of it all is that when you’re younger you look in the future and see yourself being better and having everything under control, but you never quite get there, because no matter how old you get, there will always be more for you to get better at, when you get all the problems you had when you were younger under control new problems will surface and you’ll imagine a future where you have those problems under control

stop

look at yourself

look how far you made it. Brh your imagining a future where your problems are solved and youve got everything together and your better but look where you are now! look at all the shit you figured out! look at all the messes that you got out of and all the crazy bullshit that you got out of. 

Look at where you are right now man this shit is wild.

your older now

and there will be a time where you are even older than you are right now still

i dont know if there will ever be apoint where im gonna sit in a chair and say “wow this is really it, this is what i was looking for this whole time”

if a moment like that really does exist then its every moment.

Every waking moment of your Life. Before you step through the threshold of that door

before you get on that bike

before you step on the stage

before you walk onto that runway

before you make that jump or whatever the fuck it is that youre about to do

wait an extra moment than you usually would and step back