If you non-black, reblog this when you see it and if you only see one or two additions on the stack, check comments to see if you can reblog a longer version. Pretty much all my shit is free to read/listen to, so send your money to other Black folks in the reblogs instead and help boost their art.

Writing:

Weaving the Stories, poetry compilation

Chasing Uncertainty, poetry compilation/Transfeminist Womanism theory

General longer-form theory can be found at my site, anons.ee

Audio:

it's @sinsofsodom.bsky.social

or check my pinned xp

Bi lesbian: I’m willing to engage beyond basic package friendship primarily with other trans people and a handful of cis girls. Most of those cis girls end up being trans after a while tho so take that how you will. The most effective way I’ve found to shorthand describe this is “bi lesbian”

Aroace: I don’t experience romantic love and I’m sex neutral to sex averse currently, and meaning I don’t experience actual sexual desire. I still love my partners but not in a romantic way and I’ll still have sex with partners if they want it and I’m in the right headspace, but it’s not something I really seek out on my own anymore.

I discovered I was asexual before any other form of queerness, actually. I had never heard of it before, and I was hooking up with people at a uh. Significant rate to prove to myself I wasn’t “broken” for not experiencing actual sexual desire correctly. Then I discovered asexuality and went “wait, you mean I’m not just broken? This is an actual thing other people feel?” and started seeking out ace and queer communities.

Realizing I was ace was the catalyst for me starting to enter spaces that allowed me to investigate my gender and sexuality further! If it hadn’t been for finding community through my asexuality, I would’ve taken so much longer to realize I was trans and a bi lesbian.

I had a similar experience with realizing I was aromantic, circa early 202..4? I’ve gotten around a lot, in a LOT of ways, often consecutively because polyamorous, and around that time I was having a small crisis over the fact that I thought it felt I had never truly felt loved by anyone in the same ways I loved them. I had jokingly described as “hyperromantic” until this point, because I wanted to love and be loved by many, to cultivate deeper connections.

By this point in time, the amount of people I cumulatively had dated, hooked up with, had flirtationships with, and otherwise had “deeper emotional and/or physical interactions with than most friends” over the course of my life was upwards of a thousand, and I ended up spiraling hard over “how was it that over all these people who have expressed love, intimacy, or deeper care to me, I’ve never once felt loved in the same way I feel myself living other people? What if there’s something wrong with me and I’m simply fundamentally unlovable? What if I’m broken? What if- wait this is EXACTLY how I felt about sexual desire growing up and I ended up being ace. Am I aromantic? Am I really fuckin doing this again?”

So I reached out to multiple Aro people I knew (like @3rdbogwitch2theleft 💖) and asked “How did you know that you were asexual/what does it feel like to you?” And I got back a bunch of different answers, but that all cumulatively ended in me realizing I’m Aro as well, that all these people who say they love me didnt just “not truly love me”, but that romantic love is simply not something I can experience, and I had invented an idea of what romantic love was supposed to “feel like” in my head that no person could ever possibly make me feel, because it was just that, an invention.

And then I went to my best friend/QPR @skelejor with this revelation and xe hit me with “wait I thought you figured this out years ago and just didn’t like the label. If I had realized you didn’t know I would’ve said something I’m so sorry.” 💀😭

So now I love but recognize it’s not romantic love, and that doesn’t make my love any lesser, and doesn’t make the love that others tell me they feel for me any lesser either. 💖

1. Peer reviewing these.

2. Yeag being Black and AroAce is hell bc like. The number of whites (but honestly other non-Black folks too) that get a wide range of unhinged for not being sexually or romantically available to them is horrific.

TW; rape, SA, racial abuse

I quite literally cannot use the same standards of “would this qualify as someone raping/sexual assaulting me?” towards myself as I would for others because I feel the number of times I’ve done shit with a white person solely because I realized in the moment I was in a “oh, I don’t get to say no and walk out of this safely, physically or socially” situation would like.. dilute? The impact of the more serious times I’ve been raped/SA’d. Like, there’s a significant difference to me between how early on, the ex that enslaved me would force me to have sex with her under threat of her killing herself or calling the police and lying to them, and having sex with a honky once to appease their ego and then being able to politely turn them down/make excuses after that.

Like, realistically, I’ve been raped by whites this way a few dozen times because it was a situation in which I realized I could not safely say no because I’m Black and they’re not. But it doesn’t carry the same traumatic impact for me as the times that were much, much worse than basic coercion.

This feeds into the romantic/Aro side of things too, not just the ace side. One of the pair of exes I often refer to as “the lynching exes” used a similar situation/tactic to coerce me into dating her. We were dating two of the same people and would flirt/mess around, and I had told her repeatedly that while I did like her and may want to date her later, I wasn’t in a position at the time to date anyone new because of how many partners I had and two significant life crises occurring at once (losing my job and being told I had to move out by a certain time). We had met up to take a lewd photoshoot together as a present to one of our partners, and afterwards she forced a conversation where the only exit was agreeing to date her, even though I had repeatedly told her I wasn’t in a position to. I could tell in the moment, standing there half naked with her in her bedroom, that she had specifically orchestrated a moment in which I wasn’t allowed to say no anymore, that things would get much worse if I didn’t simply.. let her have me.

Which, if you couldn’t tell by the monicker of “the lynching exes”, was an accurate assumption lmfao.

Black bodies are not only desired but often seen as public fare—from old crackers touching our hair to having to hook up with someone because you can tell you’ll be punished if you won’t—and people will make you pay if you deny them what they’ve come to think of as rightfully theirs. Your love, your body, your time, it doesn’t matter if you’re aro or ace, you better still perform when they want it.

these days i smile when im mad and i speak quietly because even though im 5’5, smaller than most people in my life and very visibly physically limited, i get treated as if im threatening and as if im like people's abusive exes. i get treated like im stupider, like an animal or a piece of meat to savor or throw away. people will see me and think all kinds of things, even my partners and close friends, and it'll all obscure the truth that im a person with inside feelings too. people always act as if i dont have a mind, like there's nothing in here that suffers when im hurt and forced to hide that im hurt too. it's so much worse to have to pretend like im not suffering when i am, it's kind of worse than just suffering. ill get punished for all of it.

im so envious of white trauma survivors who get to heal, get to escape their traumatic environments, get to go to therapy and unlearn their unhealthy coping mechanisms. for me, im still in my traumatic space, im still being (racially) abused, still having my boundaries and my autonomy and my preferences and my mind and my body violated and still in need of the survival strategies ive used since infancy to get by. and that will probably always be the case.

"I notice you have a very specific art style."

"oh that doesn't mean anything"

Shit, look at how many popular memes with Black folks either depict us negatively, or the Black origin gets completely erased if not (think tik-tok dances, etc.). Half the time we ain't even looking at the absence of us, we're looking at them dancing in the skin off the corpse of what we made.

Wanna really put yourself into hell? Start counting how many BIPOC are showing up to your "community events". Start figuring out what the demographic ratios for your events are. Its one thing to think "oh we had a 120+ person event with a dozen people of color" its another to think "our event was only 10% people of color, where did WE fuck up here?" (If you think I'm exaggerating know that gods I am not, just ask DC and the DC Klans Picnic, 5% Black in a 50% Black city)

You HAVE to start noticing this. You have to start thinking about this in your online spaces too because of the BIPOC Attention Tax. This shit actively holds us back. This shit actively kills us - look at Tinu and Fiqah (sassycrass) who died despite being well known, well loved Black women and disability activists, because they couldn't make enough mutual aid to pay for medical needs.

support this lovely dear please <3

pay black trans people now