oh no

“that’s what i’m hoping too. and it means all the big financial risks with debuts are paying off too, if they have enough money to expand like that….. the company’s changed a lot since we debuted, huh?”

he snorted. “yeah, it has. i remember we were all so concerned when they signed so many trainees for distich. we didn’t think we’d all get paid well,” he replied

“i know…. and that’s been kind of a blessing while i worked through everything but… i’m tired of making you feel so awkward whenever we have full group promotions,” she insisted tearfully, letting him take her hand and squeezing. she didn’t deserve him. he was so understanding and forgiving. the fact that he was sitting here, listening, talking. not leaving and yelling…. she had no idea why, but it eased her nerves a little bit. 

“i could have fought harder for the condom, youngjin. getting pregnant is kind of a two person job,” she said mirthfully, rolling her eyes and biting back a laugh. “i….i guess in hindsight, disitch is a really huge blessing for both of us. it’s still hard to not look back with regret though,” she admitted quietly. 

she groaned a little, letting out a sob and resting her head on his chest while she cried more. “i’m so sorry. i never wanted to scare her like that,” she cried. his grandmother was such a kind woman– why had she worried such a generous lady? “i feel like i let both of you down.”

“it’s not that awkward, bomi. you needed time. i wanted to give it to you,” he assured her, cradling her. it felt surreal to hold her after so long, but it was like a piece of his heart had returned to what had been a void for so long. he missed her so badly. 

“yeah, okay well....mistakes were made all over i guess, but still.....how could i be better without you here with me?” he insisted, tucking her hair behind her ear and shaking his head. “listen, bomi, i get it-- i look back with regret too, okay? but we’re here now. both of us. we’re figuring it all out. we’re moving forward.”

“you didn’t let anyone down. stop saying that,” he insisted. “you had to do what was best for you, bomi. she gets it. we both do. she was just excited to see you debut.”

she sighed, laughing bitterly. “what if i was never ready?” she asked softly. she pursed her lips, looking back up at jin. “i…..you….” she took a deep breath. “you did nothing wrong. back then, i mean. i just…it all happened, and i got so overwhelmed, and i couldn’t handle it. i thought i was putting you in a bad position with your family too. i ruined your career getting pregnant, and then….well, you know. so i ruined your career for nothing. i just…… i panicked. and figured you were better off without me. and i needed to figure myself out and heal. so i ran. and i shouldn’t have, but i did.” it all came out like a waterfall– once she started talking, she couldn’t stop. “it’s just been dragging guilt up but that’s my fault. i was the one who ran away.”

“it’s fine. we’ve done a good job of being professional so far. i think our group has enough of a split that we could manage. i would have never pushed you to talk about anything if you weren’t ready for it,” he assured her softly. his brow furrowed as she talked. he hoped she wouldn’t be mad, but he couldn’t help but reach for her hand. he should have known all of this was happening, that this was the reason why. he always believed that she was an angel, and that whatever her reasons were were valid, and to hear that part of her reasons were that she didn’t want to be a burden to him? it hit him in the gut. they were both dancing around each other, not wanting to hurt the other, all this time. 

“i....i’ve never for a second been better without you,” he began quietly. he need her to know that first. “bomi, i got you pregnant. i made a big mistake-- not being with you but, being reckless. no one ruined anything, but even if someone did, it was me,” he then insisted. he had so many thoughts, and all of them wanted to be verbalized right then. it was making it hard to say what he needed to say. “look at us. we’re both in a huge idol group, aren’t we? we’re way more successful than we would have been at the old company. nothing got ruined. it just got put on pause.” and maybe it all happened for a reason. not the trauma, of course, but......they were back, together, older and wiser. more talented. more mature. and in a much more impressive group. it was hard to lament the loss of the duo when things were going so well now.

“and i just... i need you to know, too... you never....” he sighed, frustrated-- finding the right words was so hard. “my grandma asks about you. she was so worried when you left, and when we debuted again, she was relieved. i told her we were in a weird place. just like....at equilibrium for now but... she’s happy to see you again, even if it’s on screen. you never were a burden, and it didn’t put any relationships in a weird spot. she just wanted us both to be happy and safe.”

“we better be! we’re too popular in all of our parts not to be. maybe i’m putting too much trust in new age but i can only hope they won’t do us super dirty..”

“the expansion seems like a good sign, don’t you think? like, they know they’re getting overloaded and want to make a concerted effort to make sure everyone gets taken care of. i think we might be lucky.”

“i think we did too! with twelve members…..the odds of everyone getting along so well are so small but…. we were really lucky.”

“we were lucky. i mean, there’s no saying yet but... i think our group can be one of the ones that lasts, you know?”

“i mean… we probably should talk about it eventually,” bomi sighed, wiping her face. she wasn’t sure if now was the right moment, but also, if not now, when? they’d needed to talk about this years ago by this point. it needed to be done soon. “i– jin, you’ve done nothing wrong. i just….you deserve better than having to see me all the time.”

“i....i’ve been wanting too. i just didn’t know if you were ready and didn’t want to push,” he admitted, hesitantly reaching up to help her wipe her cheeks. “bomi, what do you mean? things are definitely weird right now, but you’re still one of my favorite people on the planet. when you got added to distich, it was real awkward but.... i dunno, i was kind of relieved. i thought i’d never see you again,” he said, trying to verbalize the mess of feelings he’d been holding onto for the past few years. “i.... i just feel bad because i don’t want to put you in a triggering situation. you had to leave for a reason, and i’ve always just been worried that being in the same group as me keeps dragging too much up for you.”

she pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears, but now that they were going they weren’t going to stop. “i just… can’t do this,” she muttered, voice raw. “i can’t be this close and just pretend like everything is okay and normal. i was horrible to you. and you’ve been nothing but nice to me and i don’t deserve it, and every day we have to pretend like everything’s okay, it eats me.”

he frowned, putting a gentle hand on her knee, hoping she’d take it as comforting and that it wouldn’t upset her. “i.....i know, bomi,” he answered quietly. “do...you want to talk about it? i mean we’re in the same group, it’s not going to go away. we should probably let it all air out sooner rather than later. i just...want you to feel comfortable around me.”

“i… it’s probably just because i have to compensate for half my face being hidden,” she answered, quickly trying to deflect and make excuses, turning bright red. “i think all of distich is pretty charismatic….”

“i think so too-- we lucked out with a pretty good group, huh,” jin answered with a laugh, finally giving in and letting her change the subject

“you’re a nutcase. but thank you,” bohye laughed. “i don’t know how i’m supposed to stand out without any sort of facial expressions, but if you say so, i guess i’ll believe you.”

“it’s your eyes. and how you move. and just like... your general demeanor. you totally embody everything you’re doing, and it’s so captivating. a lot of people should take notes from you, bohye. seriously.”

it was hard. the choreo, of course, but mostly being so close to him. not to be crude, but she knew his body fairly well, and to be up close to him again….it was flooding her with memories that she had yet to process. and she’d hit her limit. dropping down into a crouch, bomi began to cry, hiding her face in her hands. he had once been the love of her life. he probably still was. but there was so much bad blood that there was nothing she could do, and this just reminded her of that.

his eyes went wide, quickly dropping next to her, hand hovering over her arm, not sure whether to comfort her (because that could just make it worse). “talk to me, bomi, please-- what’s wrong? did i do something? did something happen?” he asked softly, trying to scan her for any sort of obvious injury or something. 

“younjin! i didn’t thank you’d actually say anyone!” bohye gasped, laughing and pushing his arm. “wow….you really think i’m more charismatic than haena??”

“yeah, bohye, i genuinely think so,” he told her earnestly. “haena had one of the best voices in the game, honestly. super talented. but she’s shy, and you can tell she’s shy. she fell to the back a lot in performances. you stand out.”

with his assistance she got to her feet, wiping the dust off herself and stretching out her arms a little more. “yeah, that’s a good idea. it seems the most complicated too, so it’d be better to spend the most time on that section,” she agreed. “let’s watch it on half speed and pick out what we can.”

 --- time jump ---

though it wasn’t easy, youngjin and bomi worked better together than he’d expected. not that he didn’t think she was professional or anything, but there was so much history. he was impressed that both of them had been able to push it aside and carry on. they were covering a lot of ground, and he even found himself enjoying it. “okay, i think we have most of it down. do you want to run through what we have, just to review?”

“Honestly, I think that’s a good idea, just report all the bad comments as they come along - nobody really needs to see that kind of toxicity. Even if you’re not that affected by it, it definitely has to be kind of a downer.”

her eyes sparkled, finding an opportunity to not only tease jin, but also change the subject. “you can’t just say that and not name names, youngjin. now i want to know who you’re roasting.”

“‘kay, but this isn’t leaving this room,” he threatened with a wry smile. “solhee kinda...haena back in the day. both super talented, but they don;t have half the charisma you do.”

she stifled a laugh, a little taken aback by his comments. “please– who am i outshining?” she giggled, before sighing. “thanks jin. that helps a little. still don’t feel great but…..a little less like the reason we may be destined to fail, so that’s nice.”

“i think everyone in our group is on pretty equal footing, but other groups have some boring members that wish they had half the charisma you do,” youngjin insisted.