mistakes

Duri had been trying to get better at tuning out anything related to dispatch (and most socials, really) lately, so she wasn’t sure exactly why the sudden apology came about. But knowing how Distich fans were, she could make a wild guess. “I don’t think you come across like that? You don’t have to apologize, legit.”

“well...some others definitely need an apology more than you do...” she said. their poor lead vocalist got scrapped. “but still. it’s not fair that i get so much compared to everyone else. i’m going to go talk to our producers this afternoon...” bomi insisted.

bomi wanted to. but what if jin didn’t?

she hit her breaking point, though-- with them being on better terms now, every time they were alone, it was just building sexual tension. and now, they were alone in the dorm, both cooking in the small kitchen area, when he’d stepped around her, hand grazing her waist only briefly. it was enough. she turned around, and before he could grab the plate he was going for, she pulled him down to kiss her.

“yeah, but the longer you put it off, the bigger a deal it’s going to seem,” bohye insisted gently. “i think you just need to come right out and say it.”

she sighed, fixing bohye with a look. “if our group dissolves because of infighting because of your suggestion, i hope you take it to heart.”

“it’s fine. we’ve done a good job of being professional so far. i think our group has enough of a split that we could manage. i would have never pushed you to talk about anything if you weren’t ready for it,” he assured her softly. his brow furrowed as she talked. he hoped she wouldn’t be mad, but he couldn’t help but reach for her hand. he should have known all of this was happening, that this was the reason why. he always believed that she was an angel, and that whatever her reasons were were valid, and to hear that part of her reasons were that she didn’t want to be a burden to him? it hit him in the gut. they were both dancing around each other, not wanting to hurt the other, all this time. 

“i….i’ve never for a second been better without you,” he began quietly. he need her to know that first. “bomi, i got you pregnant. i made a big mistake– not being with you but, being reckless. no one ruined anything, but even if someone did, it was me,” he then insisted. he had so many thoughts, and all of them wanted to be verbalized right then. it was making it hard to say what he needed to say. “look at us. we’re both in a huge idol group, aren’t we? we’re way more successful than we would have been at the old company. nothing got ruined. it just got put on pause.” and maybe it all happened for a reason. not the trauma, of course, but……they were back, together, older and wiser. more talented. more mature. and in a much more impressive group. it was hard to lament the loss of the duo when things were going so well now.

“and i just… i need you to know, too… you never….” he sighed, frustrated– finding the right words was so hard. “my grandma asks about you. she was so worried when you left, and when we debuted again, she was relieved. i told her we were in a weird place. just like….at equilibrium for now but… she’s happy to see you again, even if it’s on screen. you never were a burden, and it didn’t put any relationships in a weird spot. she just wanted us both to be happy and safe.”

“i know.... and that’s been kind of a blessing while i worked through everything but... i’m tired of making you feel so awkward whenever we have full group promotions,” she insisted tearfully, letting him take her hand and squeezing. she didn’t deserve him. he was so understanding and forgiving. the fact that he was sitting here, listening, talking. not leaving and yelling.... she had no idea why, but it eased her nerves a little bit. 

“i could have fought harder for the condom, youngjin. getting pregnant is kind of a two person job,” she said mirthfully, rolling her eyes and biting back a laugh. “i....i guess in hindsight, disitch is a really huge blessing for both of us. it’s still hard to not look back with regret though,” she admitted quietly. 

she groaned a little, letting out a sob and resting her head on his chest while she cried more. “i’m so sorry. i never wanted to scare her like that,” she cried. his grandmother was such a kind woman-- why had she worried such a generous lady? “i feel like i let both of you down.”

bohye gently wrapped an arm around bohye’s shoulder, frowning. she didn’t like it when her friends were hurting. “i mean…the only way you can find out, and see if it’s anything you can lessen, is by talking to him, right? it’s hard i bet, but it’s….necessary…”

“i know. i just need to find the right time,” bomi answered. “i don’t want it to be when something important is happening, so i don’t like...accidentally derail a promotion. but we’re always so busy..”

“with something that traumatic, though…..i feel like he could forgive you. i mean maybe i’m talking where i’m not needed, but he’s one of the kindest members of our group. and i know he cares about you, even if things are rough right now. i don’t know what happened but….with circumstances like yours? he’ll get it. i know he will.”

bomi sighed, curling up beside bohye and cuddling into her. “no.....no, it’s nice to hear your opinion,” she answered quietly. “i just.....i hope and pray we can figure things out. and if we can’t, i hope i’m at least not putting him in more pain by being in the group.”

“i guess the concept of co-ed groups is still pretty wild to a lot of fans,” matika mused aloud. “i can imagine you must have such a cult following, though. your full group, i mean. it probably means so much to so many people.”

“i....really have no idea. but i hope so. we’re just an idol group, but if we can... be something for someone. whatever they need us to be.....that’s neat.”

“as if they need a reason– people come to our concerts with ot4 signs.”

“that’s disgusting. they should be stopped at the door,” bomi answered. “or at the very least, those signs should be confiscated.”

“i….i’ve been wanting too. i just didn’t know if you were ready and didn’t want to push,” he admitted, hesitantly reaching up to help her wipe her cheeks. “bomi, what do you mean? things are definitely weird right now, but you’re still one of my favorite people on the planet. when you got added to distich, it was real awkward but…. i dunno, i was kind of relieved. i thought i’d never see you again,” he said, trying to verbalize the mess of feelings he’d been holding onto for the past few years. “i…. i just feel bad because i don’t want to put you in a triggering situation. you had to leave for a reason, and i’ve always just been worried that being in the same group as me keeps dragging too much up for you.”

she sighed, laughing bitterly. “what if i was never ready?” she asked softly. she pursed her lips, looking back up at jin. “i.....you....” she took a deep breath. “you did nothing wrong. back then, i mean. i just...it all happened, and i got so overwhelmed, and i couldn’t handle it. i thought i was putting you in a bad position with your family too. i ruined your career getting pregnant, and then....well, you know. so i ruined your career for nothing. i just...... i panicked. and figured you were better off without me. and i needed to figure myself out and heal. so i ran. and i shouldn’t have, but i did.” it all came out like a waterfall-- once she started talking, she couldn’t stop. “it’s just been dragging guilt up but that’s my fault. i was the one who ran away.”

at the words something traumatic, and with her clarification afterwards, bohye racked her brain for situations before finally landing one what she figured it must be, gasping a little despite herself. “god, what luck you both have, being put in the same group,” she commented with a little tsk. “do … you think you’ll ever talk about it?”

“i think we need to. eventually. i just... am scared. because i’m in the wrong, and i know i’m in the wrong. i did so much wrong. i wouldn’t be surprised if he never wanted to talk to me again. but i miss him. and i also don’t want to fuck up the group dynamic...”

“i mean…. the fact that distich hasn’t blown up is beyond me, honestly,” matty admitted. “you guys are so good. people getting caught up on the co-ed aspect is such a Neanderthal move.”

“it’s so silly-- i wish the full group got even half the attention our units get. it’s so unfortunate. but... the fans we do have make it worth it, i guess.”

“iris fans especially seem stupid. not as stupid as reign fans. or maybe traxx fans. but you know, it’s up there. they’re stupid.”

“damn, don’t say that too loud-- the ot4 stand will be out in full force.”