nyxxx

above all else, the show has to keep going. there's always more show...you never get a happy ending because there's always more show. i guess until there isn't.

trying to stay positive but my god did i rlly have to be getting one of the worst pms in a while right before and gonna be during a concert i've been looking forward to for months? i have been SO excited. i was gonna get all dolled up and have a killer outfit and be well rested but no i've gotten depressed and completely fucked up my sleep schedule so i'll be weak and my skin is breaking out and i'm gonna have a last minute outfit and rushed makeup

trying to be gentle with myself and remind myself progress isn't linear, being a human is complex and i am a big soup of thoughts and feelings and i can't unmix myself into the beginning components and dump what i don't like. i have to live with what i am and be satisfied with it. some days the ingredients i don't like are gonna taste more prominent and that's okay, that's the nature of the stew. there will be days where the stew just doesn't taste quite right and that's normal. i am a perpetual stew, the foundation will always be the same (very "despite everything it's still you" esque) but the flavors and meats and vegetables can change everyday and i don't have to love it but there's no point in yelling at it, it's soup. just accept it, work with it and get as much enjoyment out of it as you can, and look forward to a day when your favorite flavors are most prominent

i miss what i had

i wish i could hug her again i should've hugged her i didn't know it would be my last chance i'm so sorry can you ever forgive me i promise i thought i was doing the right thing to help you i love you so much i will always love you

i am so fucking depressed right now but in the painful way, not the numb way, which is so much worse. it feels like there dark agitated static buzzing loud so loud inside me uncomfortably warm from its intensity

i wish things were different|

i want to kiss someone and as our lips are pressed together i drag them into me, their lifeforce and soul and blood until their body is an empty dehydrated husk and they live within me and they take over my body and i am them

I ❤️LISTENING TO SAD MUSIC AND SPIRALING

my last couple cycles i noticed virtually no emotional difference during pms but seems like we're back to our regularly scheduled programming. i feel so so down in the pits nothings cheering me up it feels like darkness is wrapping itself around my brain

i feel like there's a big room inside me filled with a darkness that swallows everything. there is only darkness inside the room, i don't know if that's all there ever was or if there used to be something else but it disappeared into the dark. i don't know if it started out as a speck the size of a fraction of a sand particle and expanded over time, pushing out and overtaking space, or if it was always there and just was quiet before, meak and quiet. quiet and meak. but right now it is large and dark and unignorable. i can feel it gaping inside me, threatening to overtake more space if i don't keep it in check. it would just be taking its course if i let it seep out of the room and rebuild its walls to take up more space. it can fill up my chest cavity with this cosmic numbness and it would be no more malicious in doing so than microorganisms breaking down a corpse. numbness, unfeeling, apathy, cold. not sharp, biting cold, just the absence of heat. the knowledge that something isn't there.