🌷🪻🌷🪻

singing a baby to sleep is a really fulfilling thing especially when they were upset and then stop crying when you sing. like ok i am a conduit for mother earth, a fairy, a running river right now. very powerful energetically.

heard blue velvet by lana del rey in my dream last night. i don’t remember anything else about the dream just that part, i don’t think i’ve ever remembered hearing a specific song in my dream before though

my health is just way too unstable to forfeit family support right now and i don’t know if it will ever be stable enough where i feel like i can truly do what i want with my life

also i really wanted to go back to school in the fall yet you can never tell people that during job interviews you know? but they are expecting me to take over a position in the fall and i’m sort of feeling like i have to now. i’m just so frustrated about not having a bachelors idk and i know what i want to do (art history/museum work) but my parents no longer support it and i feel like crying just thinking about it right now like i am going to be trapped doing things other than that forever and ever because i can’t afford to pay for the degree and my family is also very very opposed to me moving away so i’m afraid i wouldn’t have their support at all if i did and now i am crying ugh

i have this odd sense of dread about this job because everything is going very well so far yet i have some feeling like i’m just waiting for the trap to spring

they make cinnamon toothpicks which are just basically toothpicks soaked in cinnamon oil and they’re really good to suck/bite on if you like cinnamon

my neighbors were just putting on a live soap opera and i’m too nosy i wanna know why they were screaming but it was just all insults… and this isn’t like a next door neighbor this was coming from a house diagonally across the street from me… the lung capacity on that couple is crazyyy

etsy pattern makers are kinda psycho they really are out here selling pdfs for the most basic, cut-two-rectangles patterns and being like ‘yes that will be 16 usd’… i wish i lacked a moral compass sometimes because i could never stomach selling a digital file that’s just rectangles to cut out in different sizes. like that is a scam and mama didn’t raise a scammer! unfortunately i was raised to work hard and never deceive people or prioritize profit lmao. literally “people over profits” is a slogan i’ve been living by my whole life, even as a child having lemonade stands it was always “don’t charge more than 25 cents a cup, are you so greedy? the mix only costs 3 dollars and makes 30 cups!” so like “no! bad child! do not ask for any higher than a 15 cent profit margin.” which like… on one hand, yeah, i still do think it’s really wrong to overcharge people! but also i was basically raised to make as little money as possible in the name of moral purity. idk. like, not valuing my own labor enough has been a theme of my adult life, being the lowest paid person in the room and doing the most work. and the work ethic of “you must go to work unless you are on the verge of dying or else you will be fired” that my parents instilled in me is really unrealistic, i still remember how shocked my coworkers were when i returned to work after being diagnosed with pneumonia literally the day after i finished the round of antibiotics prescribed. because my dad was certain i would lose the job if i didn’t return as soon as possible. meanwhile i had coworkers literally lie about needing knee surgery and take two months of paid leave only to come back and be like “oh doc said i didn’t really need it after all”. like!!!! and were they fired for that? nope! and i don’t know how to unlearn this sort of self-sacrificing mindset.