lone wolf ;

Sloppy

Heartbreak is an odd experience. At 7am you wish you could snooze your alarm and hide from the sunlight. At 10 you feel unstoppable and like maybe today is the day the heartbreak will ease. At 1pm you’re crying at your desk silently, hoping no one will notice and at 2 you’re running to the bathroom because you feel nauseous. At 3 you feel like you can manage. At 5 you’re exhausted from your heart leading you on this emotional roller coaster and your brain unsuccessfully trying to take back control. Come 8 o’clock and you’re squeezing your pillow, howling out to the moon wishing you could feel anything, anything but this.

unstoppable force: insatiable desire to be loved and accepted by any and all people

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.

he complained that my kiss tasted of pennies when he was the one who commanded i bite my tongue what a cheap trick but such an expensive price for me to pay

But darling you never had a chance to make me love you. I eat venom at silent mealtimes and fall asleep to screaming and slamming doors. I’ve been repelled by love before I was even born.

And how do you handle it? Being in love with your best friend? Being in love with someone who will never see you the way that you want? How do you keep yourself from going mad?