Eternal Words To Mom

You would’ve been 69 this year

On your special day I slept through every hour suffering emotional physical pain, sorry I didn’t buy you cake

Feeling hurt by the lack of care

you’re not here

No one is there

I don’t know anymore

Pretending I didn’t know what day it is

Unable to lie to even myself

I’ve asked many times for help

Without an answer to my prayers

My subconscious wouldn’t leave me unaware

Instead I woke up from a nightmare

Maybe nightmares are better than reality

It’s that time again.

Where I just can’t seem to wake up.

I know if you could see me now

You’d be a little sad.

But I hope you’d forgive me.

I’m alone.

Poem for November 2024:

⚪️I want to go home now⚪️

I want to go home now but I don’t have a car, just the cracks all over my broken heart. 💔

I want to go home now, but Father never taught me how. I can only see the way, by my own path depart.

I want to go home now

To the past where you dwelled

Our two story house not so far from town

I want to go home now why must we be so far apart, even if you never understood me, you’re still the closest to my heart.

I want to go home now it has started to get dark

I can’t see the way back to the place where you are

I want to go home now it’s not so very far

All I have to do is follow the guiding light from a midnight star

I want to go home now

To the place by the sea where I drowned once or twice, when you weren’t looking at me (where you couldn’t see me)

I want to go home now

I don’t want to play

I’m tired of having to speak when I don’t feel like it everyday

I want to go home now

To a place where I’m understood

Where I don’t have to speak and noones listening (like a block of wood) as they should

I want to go home now

I am not okay, I feel sick & tired of this (exhausting) place

I want to go home now I don’t want to be here

My head hurts and I’m tired of drinking beer

I want to go home now

I’m tired of catering to others needs,

I just want to be home early so I can be finally free

I want to go home now, I miss how you cared, whenever I was scared you were always there.

I want to go home now, I can’t even cry any more, I’ve cried enough these past 10 years while thinking of you behind many a closed door.

I want to go home now, I’ve gathered all my tears, and thrown them in a box, left in the dust for a couple more years.

I want to go home now, and call you on the phone,

I know if you could you wouldn’t have even for a second left me alone

I want to go home now I have nothing left to say, I don’t pray or dream like when you were here to stay

I want to go home now

I just want to relax

There you’d have my favorite snacks

So please, hurry up and come back

I want to go home now, are you there waiting for me?

I want you to greet me, as I hug you and make you a cup of tea

I want to go home now, it was an ordinary day when you left me too early that last time in May.

I want to go home now

If only I knew how

I weep in pain of the fact that you aren’t here now

I want to go home now, but no matter how I scream, I won’t be waking up from this tired dream.

I just want to go home now.

It’s Children’s day again today. I remembered how every year on this day you would sew and design new clothes for me. Dress me in your favorite gold pieces. I remember eating cake and embarrassing myself on stage. I remember how very present you were. Even when you were busy, you never missed a day of work. And still managed to do 101 things for me, for everyone especially for family. Everyone is celebrating with their families right now. Everything is as it was. And yet everything is different. Nothing much has changed except for me. Life is much harder without you in it. Without family or kin. I miss you.

I remember you when I’m drinking a warm cup of tea

I remember you when I smell the scent of a headache inducing floral perfume

I remember you when I want a place to rest

I remember you when a fever takes me barely making it through the night

I remember you when someone calls for their mother

I remember you when I see a mother care for their child

I remember because though I don’t speak of you often

I remember

I remember ..

It’s not that I have forgotten

Even after all these years

I remember you

In glimpses of the past

When I hear your favorite song

Memories we had last

I remember when I write of you

As tears fill my eyes

And my voice shakes

No matter how many years go by

I remember you

Even as the smell of your perfume starts to fade

They are saying “Mother”.

#griefjourney #Mother #grief

Drinking tea is what we used to do often together drinking together. And talk about times that have long passed in your youth. I miss you everyday.