Don't Be That Person

Bee: Hi there friend! How are you today? I'm just doing my job, pollinating flowers and all, no need to be afraid of me, I'm just happy I get to enjoy this wonderful weather with you.

Wasp: Oh hey motherfucker, wanna go? I swear I will kill any dick stupid enough to get 3 feet near me, I can sting you, and it will be the nastiest feeling you've had in awhile. Buzz Buzz, asshole. Bet that hurts doesn't it? Stupid fuck.

Thus far, we’ve covered why you shouldn’t be the douchebag on the bus who is yelling into his cell phone about his stock options, or the irritating lady who is clipping her fingernails (or, god forbid, toenails), or the asshat who opens up a container of stench-o-rific Dorito curry. Now it’s time to discuss non-noise, non-hygiene-related actions and activities. Most of this boils down to: Be aware of your physical location in space relative to others. This isn’t just a problem on public transit. A quick walk through a college campus, downtown area, or shopping mall will provide numerous examples of a complete lack of awareness of others. But it’s a bigger problem on public transit, because we’re all trapped in a confined area with other people.

1.       Let’s start with the absolute basic rule, which should be a no-brainer but sadly is not. If a handicapped, elderly, or visibly pregnant person needs a seat, give up your seat! At the very least, offer to give up your seat! When I rode the DC metro, I lost count of the number of times able-bodied men buried their heads in their copies of the Washington Post or Wall Street Journal while some 90-year-old lady with an oxygen tank was left standing in the aisle. I’d offer my seat and then resort to glaring at the nearest guy in a business suit, who was obviously an embarrassment to his mother, who probably tried to raise him correctly and no doubt told him to give up his seat to little old ladies and people with no legs.

2.       On a related note, if you choose to sit in the seats that are reserved for handicapped and elderly riders, and the driver asks you to move so that a handicapped or elderly person can sit down (or a wheelchair can board the bus), don’t complain. Just move. This is especially true if other seats were available when you boarded and you went out of your way to sit in the reserved seats.

3.       Seat etiquette is very important! There are numerous issues involved in seat etiquette, but here are a few choice selections (these mostly apply to buses and trains that have two-seater rows):

a.       If there are empty rows available, don’t sit directly next to someone. Why would you do that? It’s weird and it makes the rest of us think you’re up to no good.

b.      If you’re in the aisle seat and entire rows open up, move to your own row. Don’t keep the person next to you trapped.

c.       Do not occupy the aisle seat of an empty two-person row, especially at rush hour. No one wants to crawl over top of you to get to the window seat.

d.      Don’t be a seat hog. If it’s rush hour, you’re not going to have both seats to yourself anyway, so it’s no use pretending that your briefcase is so special that it requires its own seat. Are you carrying the nuclear briefcase for POTUS? No, you’re carrying boring work files and your empty lunch sack. Put it on the floor.

e.      See that crease in the middle of the two seats? Think of it as the Berlin Wall, or the border between North and South Korea, or the rope that separate screaming 12-year-old girls from Justin Bieber. Don’t cross it without permission.

4.       If you’re one of those people who like to talk to strangers on public transit, try not being one of those people. Alternately, pay attention to the other person’s body language and don’t insist on conversing with them if they’re obviously not interested. Hint: reading a book and/or listening to (or pretending to listen to) music = not interested in chatting with you.

5.       Hey, whatcha reading/watching/typing on your laptop? No.  Buy your own newspaper, bring your own Kindle, and type your own stuff. (A note to lawyers who are too stupid to realize it: People can and will read your court briefs over your shoulder. Some of those people might be opposing counsel, especially if you’re on the DC metro. Keep your privileged materials privileged, which means don’t show them off in crowded public places.)

6.       You’re on public transit, not in a gym. No pull-ups, chin-ups, or stripperobics routines on the poles. The poles are there for people to hold onto so they don’t fall over when the vehicle moves.

7.       Speaking of poles…hold onto them so you don’t fall over when the vehicle moves. Other passengers don’t appreciate it when you go crashing into them just because you overestimated your balancing abilities.

8.       Also speaking of poles…just hold them. Like, with one hand. Don’t wrap your entire body around the pole as though it’s your metallic lover.

9.       If you’re wearing a backpack (and I do, because I have a lot of crap to carry), be aware of how far it sticks out behind you. Don’t whack people with it. If you’re unsure, just take it off and carry it onto the bus or train and then stow it properly at your feet. Last week, some lady managed to whack the hell out of my head with her bag. I don’t know how she managed it, as I was sitting in a window seat, but she did. It was unpleasant.

10.   Men, pretend you are gentlemen. Don’t stare at women; it’s creepy. Don’t hit on women; we’re here to commute to and from the office, not pick up dates.

11.   Learn how to properly board your public transit vehicle. It’s common courtesy to let riders exit before you board.

Sometimes I feel that transit authorities should provide gas masks for their passengers; the masks could be stowed under the seats, like life vests on airplanes. Considerate passengers could bust out the masks whenever our olfactory senses are assaulted by some dude who smells like Miller Lite and urinal cakes, or some lady who took a bath in her K-Mart brand perfume prior to boarding the bus.

I spend about 10 hours a week with my fellow RTD riders, often in very close proximity. Most of them act like evolved human beings, but a few of them need to brush up on the rules of living in a polite and civilized society. Interestingly, this group of inconsiderate wankers includes both those who care nothing about hygiene and those who are all too obsessed with their personal hygiene habits. If you encounter these people on a regular basis, why not print out this handy list of rules and hand it to them? 

1.       Don’t douse yourself in perfume or cologne prior to boarding public transit. First, your choice of scent probably isn’t as appealing to your fellow passengers as it is to you. Second, people get migraines from that shit. Third, guys, why are you still wearing Drakkar Noir?

2.       Although your fellow riders don’t want you smelling like you just escaped from the perfume counter at Macy’s, B.O. is also a no-no! If you’re going to be all smooshed up against strangers, deodorant and showering are not optional. And while some transit vehicles have comfy seats – the RTD regional bus seats actually recline a bit – this is not the time to take off your shoes and kick up your feet. Especially if your feet stink.

3.       Unless you’re commuting on an open-air tram, don’t smoke a cigarette immediately prior to boarding. No one wants to stand or sit next to someone who reeks of ashtray. (See migraines, above.)

4.       Stop mistaking the bus, train, or tram for your personal bathroom. While it’s true that cleanliness is next to godliness, some people go too far. These are the people who think it’s ok to clip their nails or make their dentist happy by engaging in a nice flossing session while commuting. It’s not ok! Leave the nail clipping and tooth flossing for another time. When you’re alone. (Side note: If you realize you have a broken or chipped nail, it’s ok to quickly file it down. The key here is quickly. You’re fixing a problem, not going for a mani/pedi.)

5.       I know you think we can’t see that you’re picking your nose, but we totally can. And it’s gross, so stop doing that (or at least disguise it with a tissue). Also, we’re not in 2nd grade, so don’t fling your boogers, smear your boogers, or eat your boogers.

6.       If you’re breaking with Ebola, stay home. If you have the sniffles, sneezes, or coughs and you absolutely must go to work (I’ll bet your colleagues really appreciate your dedication!), cover your mouth and use a tissue. The rest of us don’t want to catch your crud, nor do we want to spend the remainder of our commute desperately trying not to breathe. And for god’s sake, don’t wipe your nastiness all over the metal poles or hand straps.

7.       Food odors can be just as nasty as body odors. Most forms of public transit have a “no eating” rule, but if you’re going to be a deviant rulebreaker, avoid aromatic dishes. You might think it’s yummy, but your fellow passengers don’t want to smell your onion and banana curry with fish sauce, ok? Save that special olfactory treat for your coworkers. (My friend Dan had a terrible experience with what he calls RANCHPASTAPOCALYPSE. I’ll let him describe it: “the horrible pasta concoction some lady broke the 7th seal on when riding the bus home one afternoon that flooded the vehicle with the stench of Cool Ranch Doritos after which time I wanted to vomit down the back of her shirt.”)

A Word About Public Flatulence

I was going to cover sneezing, coughing, and nose blowing in a post about paying attention to your actions, but this morning my cousin Brian sent me a lovely text that made me realize it’s also a noise issue.  Here’s the text in its entirety: “Public transit rant. Blow your nose instead of sucking it back into your head. It’s disgusting and it really sucks when the person sitting behind you is the one doing it. It’s like a reverse snore.”

Yes. It’s like a reverse snore. But a disgusting one.

Acting appropriately when on public transit shouldn’t be a challenge. If you pay even the slightest bit of attention to your surroundings, you can figure out the rules. But really, all you have to do is pay attention to the location of your body (and belongings) relative to others, pay attention to how much noise you’re making, and pay attention to any odors you’re emitting. Basically, be aware of your surroundings.  (Hint: your surroundings include your fellow passengers.)

Now, I know, it’s not possible to pay attention all the time. Even the most considerate public transit riders have off days where they’re not completely aware of their surroundings. But even on their worst days, those riders aren’t coming to a dead stop at the bottom of the escalator because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Really. Unless you grew up in the middle of nowhere and this is your first escalator experience, you should know better.  Ok, moving on…

Public transit etiquette breaks down into 3 basic categories: noise, odor, and actions. Today, let’s talk about noise. I catch a 6 am bus, so noise is a big deal to those of us who are regulars.

1.       If it’s early, the bus is silent, and most passengers are sleeping, don’t be the douchebag who wakes everyone up. If you must greet fellow passengers, use your indoor voice. No, scratch that…use your library voice.  Even if it’s not early, pay attention. If no one else is talking, you shouldn’t be talking, either. Some mass transit systems – like the DC Metro – have an unwritten rule that you just don't talk.

2.       Are you enjoying your music? That’s wonderful, but the rest of us are not. Wear headphones and make sure those headphones aren’t broadcasting your [possibly awful] musical selections to the entire bus/train/other transit vehicle. Also, please don’t sing or rap along with your music. The rapping is a particular no-no if, like me, you are white and obviously lack any form of street cred. 

3.       The same thing goes for you gamers. I like Angry Birds but I become an Angry Passenger if I’m forced to listen to your video game. Use headphones or mute your phone, laptop, Nintendo DS, PSP, etc. Whatever it is, your fellow passengers don’t want to hear it.

4.       If you must engage in a cell phone conversation, keep it short and keep it quiet. The rest of us don’t want to hear your half of a conversation, scintillating though it may be. This goes double if your call involves bragging about your stock portfolio, Thoroughbred horses, or the chick you banged last night.

5.       Speaking of cell phones, does yours ring every two minutes? Put it on vibrate. Or, at the very least, get a decent ringtone. It’s not 2000 and your phone isn’t a Nokia 3210.

6.       If you plan to chat with another passenger, sit next to them. Don’t shout your conversation across the aisle or across rows. The rest of us really don’t care to eavesdrop. Don’t force it on us.

At some point, every regular mass transit rider is witness to douchebaggery on a public transit vehicle. This blog is dedicated to identifying and gently correcting such douchebaggery, thus improving the lives of everyone who uses public transit. Think of it as a mash-up between the proper etiquette of Miss Manners and the realistic approach of Dear Prudence, but with a sprinkle more sarcasm.

I like public transit. I’ve been a regular commuter on the DC metro, the Maryland MARC train, and now Denver’s RTD (Regional Transit District) buses. I’ve been an occasional user of Denver’s light rail, Baltimore’s “metro” (it barely qualifies), Philly’s SEPTA trains, Chicago’s Transit Authority, and NJ Transit’s trains. I’ve been a tourist on Tokyo’s metro, Budapest’s trams, Boston and NYC’s subways, London’s underground, Atlanta’s MARTA, and San Francisco’s BART.

It doesn’t matter if you’re riding the bus, light rail, or metro – there is a Golden Rule of Public Transit. It’s just a modification of the standard golden rule: Do unto other public transit riders as you would have done unto you. Would you hate it if another passenger smelled, acted, or sounded a certain way? Yeah, then don’t do that.