Naamloos

i am filled with self hatred

That's a serious quality benchmark, and it's why the feature isn't a gimmick for me. When the call feels real, the whole companion feels real. sweetdream.ai nailed the part most platforms get wrong.

yk this type of self harm is harder (FOR ME), i kinda quit/am quitting cutting myself even tho i keep relpasing but at least it's shallow everytime. but hitting myself in my opinion for myself is worse, bc for cuttin i have to get a whole knife/toilet paper, here i can js randomly hit myself, i cant cut in front of others or outside my room/at school and i can js punch myself in a way it isnt noticable outside of my room/in front of others… its harder to quit bc its easier to js 'i wanna quit' gets upset 'js punches rq' and i dont like doing it. ik im like 'lol' abt it but i really dont think its funny, my upper legs r pretty sore from last night. my legs r so tired, from the hittin last night and the walking today… and its even more stupid to confess to someone 'oh i self harm' 'oh u got scars and all…?' 'nah man i punch myself' 'huh is that self harm?' i never have tho but yeah and idk gng im so tired rn i told one person yk what they said 'js try not to' what the fuck do u think i am doing. punching my legs feels so dumb like punching? seriously? wow. like it sounds so small and not like u can acctually damage urself/self harm like that it sounds so stupid fuck me Actually dissociated for like 20 sec so i dont think it count sbut it was js like before but heavier like im glad it only lasted 20 sec but idk if it counted then

hung out w my friends today, i feel like this is more a diary at this point than js a vent blog? well, it's not like anyone reads this anyways so it's alr. talked w a friend i kinda haven't talked to in a while, been using discord less and test week is finally over... sporting at 9 today... hooray, and i haven't even slept yet. my mom saw my cuts? im not sue, theyre healing bc i hvaent cut in a while but i was in my panties n my mom was closing my room n all (not in a weird way, weirdos..) and idk if she saw it i really hope she didn't, my legs hurt so bad LOL from the hitting but i don't have any bruises besides a few red spots and a few sore spots.. i don't actually want to hit myself ik i treat it like 'lol' but it's really not and also js looking at the 'scars' (idk if they'll turn into scars) on my legs makes me sick ihate it... i hate looking at them.. vacation.

really don't wanan cut anymore, i relapsed again two days ago but it's okay. we will go for it

wow, i think i spent like 15 min js punching my legs (gonna feel ts in the morning) and researching online how to get high w/o buying drugs or shi. appartenly everything damages u, i'm scared i'll do it anyway. man, i'm filled with self hatred. why the fuck am i an awful friend, why do i act different now and why didn't i study better for my test week. alr i'm so done w this shit. i'd write more but i genuinly don't have the energy also fuck sh, get clean for 2 days and relapse. last time was 3 days and relapsed today. fuck me most of my wounds r healing now, n none of em r red anymore some r still sensnitive tho. i js hope they wont leave scars

i swear im seeeing things in shadows. do you know how scared i am if i ahve to go down via the first floor if there's no one in there? SUPER scared. thats why i almost fell once trying to get down fastly. and do you know how scared i am right now there's something in my closet or behind my room door. god, and the derealization hitting again fuck this shit. this. typing this, it's not real fuckign hell it doesn't feel like it. and now i'm dizzy again. great. and my eyesight is getting worse, idk the doctor saisd i could wear or not wear my glasses but w em it's not perfect either i don't want to use my laptop, or do anything i like, or sleep, or do nothing. i'd rather not exist, but i'll fail if i try to kms. plus if i dont cut deep enough i'll have to hide a stupid scra for months. half sure my mom saw my cuts? i wore shorts like short shorts n i totalyl forgot/didn't notice n i switched them later btu my mom kept glancing at my upper leg. she better not have noticed... alr.

disoc8ing getting, well. WAY worse. i feel unreal, its weird that other ppl dont feel like this. i cant explain it at all but it feels like im in a videogame or sum. n alot of the times ive eben feeling after school like i didnt have school the next day now i actually dont n i feel like i have school. i feel unreal and like i dont exist, like NOTHING does. like this is all a lie and even typing this feels like no one is gonna seee it bc yall dont exist or sum. nothing matters and i cant think ahead for more than 2 days, and if i do it feels like its not real. this sucks, its weird and i hate it. im so fucked up, i accidently saw gore (som1 send a website to me) n then again when i clicked on a link and saw someone impaled. the worst part it affected me, but i also feel kinda numb so it didn't really hit me. im not feeling itnense emtotions, or genuine happiness, or that. also my emphaty, symphaty are mostly gone again. and my ability to find things cute aswell, how wonderful. i dont even wanna kms bc dead js feels so strange in this state. what even is dead, i feel like ill still be around even if dead. fuck, dead is weird. the world is weird.. yeah i think the gore caused this, it'll get better. i read it..

i just blocked the pedo i met a few days ago, couldn't bring myself to. and just did. so i should feel good, why don't i? i just hate the things i like, the things i enjoy, everything really. from my cringe pfp, to my pitnerest boards, to the shows i watch, to my hobbies. i'd rather not be alive, but i'm not to the point i want to kms. well i do, but i know i won't/can't so maybe that means i'm healing i thought i was healing, but me feelign like this? is this a part of it? well it sucsk, i don't think feeling better is reall wroth it is it. there's nothing to do in my life. it's boring, it's stupid, it SUCKS. i can't even go on my laptop it's no fun what can i do on it? the websites i sued to love i hate now. i had anaddiction to, i'm afraid to say so. character ai, i don't want to even think abt it it makes me feel disgusting. im half sure my dad can hear my laptop fan in the other room, i don't know what to do. i don't hang out w my friends EVER? i did something w one friend last satruday thats all i did w em all vacation.. goign to the gym w another one n hanging out w her the day after tho. that's something but tbh ion even wanna go, idk i js hate myself/my life so bad i logged out of discord not planning on going back soon. fuckmylife BONUS. my dizziness is getting worse (YAY.) a few days ago everything went black when i stood up and i fell down. had multiple times that i almost fell but i couldn't even register what was happening n i forgot what happens when i get my eyesight back n the dizziness stops, i don't even notice it anymore when it gets blurry tbh, i brought it up to my mom once again, i don't think im going to a doctor dude makes me want to cry because i hate this. and it's getting worse, prob js need to drink more or have low iron but it js sucks

i'm kind of doing better i guess? on vacation it was kinda bad, it was hard to relax and i punched and slapped myself alot once scratched myself and i still got the wound from that. since i've gotten home i haven't been experiencing much joy with the things i do and time moves really slow. on the bright side i don't really feel like hurting myself or anything like that!! i'm not even suicidal, i sleep pretty early (12ish) compared to normally (2amish) because i just get so bored, the only thing making me actually smile is watching young sheldon but that gets boring after 5 episodes. using my computer, laptop makes me feel gross but there isn't much i can do? i met a creep today on discord and for the first time in my life when talking to a pedo i actually got scared, i was shaking and shit i didn't block him tho i couldn't bring myself to i guess? i don't even know why it sucks, maybe i'm scared he'll find me again happend before. i mean it suppose it means i can feel that again? i think i'm actually getting better, i think the vacation was good for me i don't wanna go backt o school. i actually, got my ability to find things cute back, my emphaty and symphaty so yeah that's great and i've been smiling more too i js hope i don't crash again :) i actually got dressed today even tho i had nowhere to go even my mom was proud of me

i hate thinking about the future it makes me anxious as fuck... i can't even think about tomorrow it makes me feel even worse. i have two presentations i need to finish and one to give tmrw, two tests and still have to study for another one. you cannot believe the anxiety i have for thta presentation. i'd rather kms then give it, for real. tho.. so it's back, wanting to kill myself and generally being unhappy. was happy bc i cut my hair today and got highlights but now i've got none to look forward too.. might start collecting figures so i'll have something to stay alive for. them arriving. i'm kinda js living my life but i wish i wasn't. not self harming today, i'm glad i've been 5 days clean :) i'm proud but my mental health is still suffering... idk if i even want to fix myself

i get so dizzy all the time, when i stand up i feel dizzy and i see black everywhere i look. i feel like i'm goign to fall when i'm just walking or sitting, it might be lack of sleep but i've been sleeping normal hours. i've been so hungry waking up, and so hungry going to sleep while i eat the same as i do every fucking day?! make it make sense. and eveyrday, garuanteed i am talking and i feel like it's coming form far awya, or not my body. or my eyes don't feel like they're looking through my eyes but through something esle, the sounds of the keyboard don't match the fastness i'm typing i feel like my eyes see thr world slower than it really is. i'm typing this while feeling like i'm going to fall, even tho i'm js sitting on the ground

i accidently. cut all the text i wrote, but that's okay. i disocciate. not alot, but i do. soemtimes, whole hours, soemtimes js a few seconds. i hate the feeling, it depends how tho. soemtimes. it feels like i dont belong in my own body, it doesnt feel like, like mine. the sound comes from far and it feels akward and uncofmortable in there. sometimes i zone out and i just can't, hear to anything anymore. i do, i try to focus but i can't seem to catch what someone's saying, at all. i think thsoe two, are the worst, they're what happen most. i need glasses, i have them but i don't wear them. i odn't like how they look, everything is unsharp tho, not very unsharp but still. and viewing depth is hard, but its okay i'll death with it i don't want to wear glasses. today, i went downstairs after being in my room and i felt so tired despite sleeping 10 hours, and i js sat in the chair n i felt so. numb. and i want to feel numb, i think it's better than feeling any emotions. better than feeling happiness even, i'd rather feel numb than be genuinly happy. is that weird? i want to get worse, i want to keep feeling like this i don't want to fix myself. but, at the same time i don't want this. and iodn't want it to get worse and i want to feel normal again, and be happy with feeling normal. but right now, if i'd go back to feeling normal. i wouldn't be happy with it. and i'll try to feel the way i'm now, again. i'm sure of that..