we're relapsin babey

wowee I’m really really struggling with the way my body has changed the past few months and I’m trying to stay logical about it (no one but me will notice, it honestly just makes my pants look better, if someone else had this body I would just think they were hot, we’re in a global pandemic and It Doesn’t Matter) but it’s really making it tough to focus on other things and not punish myself and I feel Stupid because I’m Adult

if I’m gaining followers because of that positive recovery post I made a while ago that got popular I’m sorry, I’m really fucked and I’m here because I can’t get my shit together but I’m an adult so I don’t want anyone IRL to know 

I have a sore throat and I know I should be eating healthy and not being an idiot but I’m just gonnnnnnaaaaa drink hot broth to make it numb and then drink beer and pretend I’m functional LOL

I hate eating and I hate starving, existence is suffering and life is a curse

some of my safe foods right now: beef jerky, corn chips and salsa, rice with vegetables and soy sauce, hummus, popcorn, eggs

I genuinely thought I was over this shit but the absolute PANIC I felt when I weighed myself yesterday was awful and I’d do anything to make it go away and this is a shitty way to live

Hey pals I’m back for better or worse! I was living with my partner for 4 months and we had most of our meals together but I had to move back across the country for school and when I weighed myself I’d gained 10 lbs since August (and I weigh more than I ever have in my life) and I feel DISGUSTING so I’m going back to a strict diet because I don’t know how else to deal with feeling out of control in my daily life. Hope y’all are surviving and thriving! 

every conversation with my roommate turns into an argument even if I'm just trying to tell him a story about something funny that happened and it's really tough for me to step back from it and let it go and accept that we're never going to have the kind of closure I want (I've spent probably 500$ worth of therapy talking about him, at this point Who Cares)

I've got a date next week and it's really making me want to be normal and have a normal relationship with food and my body and be able to act like a person because I really like this person and I don't want to put them in a position of having to take care of me (or have them not want to get involved at all because I'm too much of a mess)