Rose Sonders

Flowers you loved

My fuck ups, a film series 

 Reorganize my closet by color coordinating my clothes, then from there the type of clothing *  Try to masterbate to pornhub (I know, I’m sorry. I should be more liberal about my porn site but frankly I like free porn. I do not condone the illegal shit blah blah blah. I’m horny, no time to think) but my favorite vibrator won’t work properly so I use my less favorite one that makes funny noises. It’s old. And wow. Still makes me giggle when I’m finished. * Write another shitty song about my latest breakup no one will ever hear * Try on all my sexy lingerie no one will ever see * Re-watch all my favorite Danny Gonzolaz or Cody Ko videos on YouTube * Scrubs, the Office, Rick & Morty, It’s Always Sunny re-runs for years on end * Day dream about seeing that one guy from five years ago at our mutual friends wedding in three years from now * Play sims. Yes, maybe I’m too old for that shit but I downloaded Whicked Whims and if you know, you know. * Dust my apartment but never my fan. Which I think bothered my ex boyfriend too much. * Get depressed about the fact that you’re now my ex boyfriend * Fantasize about directing my horror movie (AKA the script I ain’t writin’) * Put on make up only to take it all off because I ain’t goin’ nowhere, baby * Water my plants * Hang out with my neighbor that bothers me a little bit but her dog is cute so whatever * Dance around my house to “New Light” by John Mayer or “I Touch Myself” by Divinlys. If you have not danced around in your undies to that last one, you are missing out on an experience of a lifetime. Let me tell you * Write a lot of deep, seemingly depressing one liners about every guy ever who broke my heart or, on the flip side, whose heart I broke in my ignorant assumption that no one ever really cared about me so I was quite blasé in some cases * Answer my friend’s FaceTimes that last admittedly too long for me to get all that work done that I was definitely working on

I woke up to a pain this morning, waking me well before my alarm would. It came in 30 second waves followed by cold sweats. For two hours this lasted. I was so tired & just wanted sleep but my body refused me. The other morning, I woke up in the middle of a dream of you. It was the first dream in months were you were loving towards me. You wanted to be with me. I tired to fall back asleep so I can live with you again. It was mostly a daydream. I lost consciousness for a minute, but my body was awake. Now I’m walking through my day in a fog. Feeling like I’m missing something. There is a gap in my mind. I don’t feel refreshed. I only want to return to my bed, to you. All I want to do is relax & escape from what I know. Is my sleeping self better than my waking self? My dreams are honest representations of my conscious mind. My waking mind is emotional & jaded. I think if I was happier my eyes being open wouldn’t feel so daunting.  

I don’t understand why this happened. I resent you for how I feel and I’m mad at myself for wanting you this badly. I don’t understand why I wasn’t enough. i don’t understand why I feel this way and I can’t have you. I hate wanting you and not having you. I hate that you’re the only one to make me feel this way and that I’m not over it. 

We want to look without being looked at. We yearn to feel connected but runaway at the signs of something undefinable. We live in fear of knowing ourselves in the other. But to deny a connection, even if it is only eye contact, is to deny the universe that person holds. It is to deny a learning experience. It is to deny being human. We are not immaculate, but we are as we should be- soft bodies that mold under pressure. To be brave and to connect is the only way to feel whole. 

Sagittarius: "I want excitement; and I don’t care what form it takes or what I pay for it, so long as it makes my heart beat."