rosethatisblack

Wooyoung gives me a weird combination of cuteness aggression and whatever feeling that soccer fans get when they scream and burst into tears because some guy kicked a ball really good into a faraway net. What is that? Hero worship? Or like, gender envy (?? I'm super ultra cis, but I've seen this phrase a lot on tumblr and I wonder if this is similar to what I am feeling.) I hang on to his every word, I strain my ears to catch his voice in the songs, and I stop everything I'm doing and contemplate his face whenever the meta or google algorithms choose to show it to me. I also want to just eat him. Bite his face. Not very hard or anything, but you know. Bite. I also want him to blow up and become the biggest star of all time. He was born for this job.

On the other hand, Seonghwa is fascinating. Everything about how he performs anything is fascinating. I wonder about what it would be like to BE Seonghwa. How does it physically feel when you're using your voice in all those different ways? How does it feel to go from stomping macho dance moves to making like a Greek goddess in one mv? What's it like to have the confidence and openness to tell a whole story, to the world, about how one time you burst into tears and cried and cried in public because you didn't have make up on and didn't feel safe going on stage without the shellac giving you cover? But I don't want to, uh, like shove my fingers in his mouth, or anything like that. Not at all. Instead, I want him to think I'm polite and have good manners and am trustworthy, like he said in that Live.

But then! There's San. Oh my god. Lovely, kind, beautiful San who cries easily and can't drink but wants to be a big bad boy. San who looks like he can break your neck using taekwondo but dances like a ballerino. San who hates doing girl group dances but smiles indulgently at his bestie Wooyoung when he goes all kittenmode. Also San who is Guileless but knows exactly what he's doing when he's doing an EDM mating dance on a chair, who knows exactly how pretty he is when he does that? AND ALSO SAN who can look like the roughest toughest Gyeongsangdo boy but when he sings it's all emotional and tearful when he's not going WOOT like he's a fucking US Marine? I want to protect him. But also eat him. And possibly make him cry before I eat him. He will taste like strawberry cake. Does this make him my bias or my wrecker or am I just a pervert?

And see, it was supposed to end there.

But then Minki, who I initially was like, Why is this boy who was born and raised in Korea such an LA fukboi!? Also he is loud and stern and huge and no thanks, had the audacity to be interesting. In an adorable way. He gave the hippo speech. He said his mommy raised him like a princess and he said it with pride and all his macho buddies laughed at him but he is proud of being raised like a princess. So then I looked at him, like, really looked, at his dancing, and now I'm like, Sir. You are 184 cms tall and heavily muscled - why are you so light on your feet? HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT? (I'm still in this deep dive).

OK so OK FINE. So it should end there.

But

BUUTTTTTTTTTTTT

LATAMAtiny who are evidently Catholic have shown me a compilation of Yunho doing HEAD LIPS HEART (Definition: The sign of the cross on the forehead, lips, and heart, which is a prayer that invites Christ to come to us in our minds, lips, and hearts, that we all do in mass before the Gospel reading) for a live performance of HALAZIA and that was such a personal attack that I actually stood up and howled and scared my cat and almost dropped my phone. SIR. SIR? What are you DOING? Now I'm going to have to fucking watch for you in the Halazia dances that I've watched too many times but mainly for Seonghwa doing the thrilling eye-roll chest- thump and figure out what YOU were doing in the meantime because - SIR??!??!

And that leaves Yeosang, HongJoong and Jongho. And I think 3/8 of this group being my little breathing spaces, you know, the members that I can go, Oh hey, friend I respect and admire in a normal way who is a wonderful Idol, I'm so happy to see you, is really great. Healthy. Optimal.

But um. Why is Hongjoong always doing that T-Rex arm thing with the broken wrist? Why is he so single minded and incautious? Why does he casually say things like, I have no friends, except for Seonghwa, when he clearly also gets hella overstimulated when he stands too close to Seonghwa (except when they're working on a song, when he knows exactly what to do and doesn't feel weird).... Is... Is he neuro-weird like me? And he seems so competitive and egotistical, but then he starts tearing up when he hears Seonghwa sing /rap the lyrics he wrote for him?

Staaaaahhhhp.

ALSO did you see Jongho in that one behind the scenes for whatever it was, they all climb into some sort of bed and pretend to be sleeping, where Jongho, as a joke, SINGS THE HARD PART OF KONIGEN DER NACHT ARIA FROM DIE ZAUBERFLOTE, like casually??? AS A PRANK. What? Wait Wait. What?? WHY ARE YOU ABLE TO DO THAT?

And Yeosang. 여상씨! 여상씨?? You shouldn't have done this to me.