The (G)rooveyst Good Vibes Enthusiast ™️

“I am not the chosen one”

Distinctly ordinary Tommy decides “you know what, I’m tired of this shitty ass country being ruled by a green tyrant. I’m gonna fix it.” Despite you know, not being the chosen one spoken of in the Prophecy. Wilbur is completely on board with this idea and decides to help him (knowing more about it than he lets on). He’s the reason Tommy knows of said prophecy.

Tommy does some research and finds out the chosen one is a guy called “The Blood God” but the last time anyone saw that guy, it was to farm potatoes…obsessively. For some reason everyone is afraid of the guy and multitools people take the time to warn Tommy about approaching the Blood God. Apparently several people who tried to get him to fulfil his destiny came back maimed? Or didn’t come back at all??? Even Wilbur warns him that trying to beseech the blood god to do his fucking job likely won’t work.

So Tommy with zero self preservation goes and turns to Wilbur.

“Wilbur! I got an idea. Let’s kidnap him! We only need him for the final part of the prophecy. Let’s bring him with us, and then all he has to do is touch the rock or whatever! It’s brilliant!”

Bemused, Wilbur agrees.

They go find the blood god in his residence - from a lead Wilbur knew of - and the closer they get, the colder feet Wilbur seems to get. Eventually its left to Tommy to knock at the door, with Wilbur sulking behind him like a moody teenager.

The door opens and it’s a hulking piglin of a man, holding a dagger and glaring even more. His nose twitches.

“What do you want?”

“Hi! We want you to fulfil your destiny-“

The door slams shut unceremoniously. Wilbur stifles a laugh.

They move onto plan b which is kidnapping the blood god. They sneak in the back door come night time and manage to catch him off guard using some potions Wilbur brought with him for the special occasion.

They’re in the middle of lugging out unconscious techno when they hear a katana unsheathe and suddenly there’s a guy in green robes and black wings darker than the night sky. Wilbur shrivels a little.

“What are you doing?” Says Philza, beloved of Death.

Tommy adjusts his grip on Technoblade’s arms. His mouth gapes.

“Hiiiii dad. We’re taking Techno to fulfil his destiny” Wilbur says hesitantly.

Tommy for once is silent. For all of two seconds.

“What do you mean dad???! You knew him this whole time?? And what do you mean “Techno”??”

Cue realization that Wilbur is the blood gods estranged brother, and has been casually sitting on this information since meeting Tommy years ago.

Philza cocks his head. Then he sighs.

“Go on then. Your brother has been putting it off long enough. Best of luck when he wakes up though.”

Techno gives hell when he wakes up, fights the entire time of the adventure, but eventually agrees yeah it’s time. The rest of the adventure happens. Haven’t thought about it much yet. During it Trchno sees the corruption he’s ignored for the past however many years and actually feels a bit of guilt.

Near the end techno ditches the party. Tommy decides in his anger, “screw that guy, we’ll kill Dream ourselves. They go and are getting their shit wiped. The end has the epic fight of dream about to kill Tommy.

“You were never going to succeed.”

Tommy sees a a shadow lurking behind Dream. A ragged smile and relief lights his face.

“I know.” he says, spitting out a mouthful of blood. But he will.”

Cue techno vs dream showdown cause techno couldn’t let this loser kill himself like an idiot. Prophecy is fulfilled but only because the ordinary took it upon themselves to make it happen.

WILBUR SOOT is genuinely a really bad person and most of his friends don't speak to him anymore.

TOMMYINNIT is publicly spiraling and processing several years of trauma by way of a stand up comedy career.

TECHNOBLADE is dead in real life.

but its sbi as each of the four winds

(because Ive been re-listening to the whole thing recently)

Philza as Zephyrus, god of the West wind, known as the kindest and binger of spring

Techno as Boreas, god of the North wind, storms and winter. depicted as very strong

Wilbur as Notus, god of the South wind, associated with bringing rain and mist in autumn seasons, (pictured and mentioned less then Zephyrus and Boreas)

and Tommy as Eurus, the god of the East wind, sometimes known for dry winds and often only pictured with his brothers (also pictured and mentioned less then Zephyrus and Boreas)

THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BROTHER GODS

AND I SHIT YOU NOT ON THE EURUS WIKI PAGE IT SAYS HES FREQUENTLY PICTURED WITH NOTUS THE MOST OUT OF HIS BROTHERS, JUST LIKE ZEPHYRUS AND BOREAS ARE ALSO FEQUANTLY PICTURED TOGETHER.

also there's literally a song called passerine on the Eurus section of the album.

He knows something is wrong immediately. And for once, it isn't his guilt. His paranoia is a sticky, sugary thing. This is a blaring alarm.

When he comes over for tea the following evening, his suspicions are further confirmed with the way Wilbur and Technoblade look wrecked. Bloodshot eyes and even hollower dark circles, but they still offer him bright, unconvincing smiles and tell him that Dad's just out on a trip, is all.

And then, the very next week, The Blood God is captured, golden chains around his ankles, a mockery. He is brought, godless and graceless, dragged towards a dark car.

That also, Tommy notes bitterly, appears to be the day that Technoblade goes missing. His phone rings endlessly, he does not respond to texts, he is gone, like he never existed at all.

The CNN reporter cheerfully tells the audience that the villains are going to be unmasked soon, finally revealing to the public the faces and the eyes of the people who have tormenting the heroes for ages, and Tommy knows, with final solemnity, how this tragedy is going to play out.

He rushes - climbing fire escapes and dodging shifty drug dealers and their shitty cars - cursing, not for the first time, that he didn't take their offer to live with them, instead of his shitty apartment at the edges of the city.

But, he's too late. The key clicks and the door swings open to reveal an empty apartment. It's picture perfect, only a yellow sweater thrown over the soft teal sofa. The apartment is dark, the only light from the TV playing and there's only one thing of consequence to the world at the moment.

Siren, muzzled and bloodied, has been arrested, and Wilbur is no where to be seen.

Tommy's heart falls.

They say that no one who enters Pandora's Box leaves. It's not so much of a story as it is a fact. They never leave, not even as ash or coffin, buried and cremated in the graveyard supposedly inside the prison.

Tommy, though - all Tommy's ever been good at, since the moment his lungs burned with his first breath, since the moment he opened his eyes to see the traitorous, loveless world. All Tommy's ever been good at is leaving.

And this? This is his family. These are the people who have not feared him, have not pitied him, have not scorned him. These are the people who, for the first time ever, make him want to stay.

The decision is easy, then. Far more effortless than anything in his life has ever been. And so, Tommy Innit, the first and also the last person in all the cornerstones of history.

He breaks into Pandora's Box, 'causing the biggest masscarade in history, breaks SBI out, and walks away, with not even a glimmer of insight into his identity, and not a drop into his name.

https://youtu.be/ukquxONMQeE

people have pointed out that phil did not in fact just zone out, he was having technical issues with his stream and was alt-tabbed fixing things, and just. forgot that he was still logged into the server at the time. you hear the explosion of the creeper while he's in full-screen facecam, then he switches back to game view to a scene of complete devastation.

(it was, however, still his fault for leaving the doors open. sorry phil, can't defend you for that one.)

phil pulled up the same video tutorial that techno used for his cabin for reference during his repairs, and had a good laugh over discovering the fact that the maker of the tutorial had changed the title to include "technoblade's house"

ranboo enters the scene to phil frantically piecing together map art and just. looks on in horror for a good few minutes before they eventually join a call together. he futilely attempts to message phil in the game chat that the art he is working on requires an extra row of item frames. it does not work.

techno starts his stream in the nether and begins by saying that for Some Reason, his dogs have teleported to him. he has no idea why this could be. (it is because the explosion broke the boat they were sat in.) his entire chat is filled with people saying NO SNITCHING, to which he acts very confused.

when techno finally makes it back home, it is largely fixed up, and he is greeted by an overly cheery phil and ranboo. at some point into the conversation, he casually says, "why does it smell like gunpowder?" and phil and ranboo quickly usher him outside.

this will not be the last time techno references the incident; later, when he tours ranboo's house (shortly after ranboo finally adds walls to his shack), they discuss having parrots, and ranboo brings up the annoyance of constant creeper noises, saying that he would rather not just get desensitized to the sounds of creepers in his home. techno replies by saying, "yeah, but it's not like a creeper would actually get in my house, you'd have to leave the doors open for that". ranboo laughs and quickly changes the subject.