Just words on a page but these words are for You

There is a stillness of the sea,

a calming of the waves

in my heart, like a flower

opening at dawn.

My soul opens to receive your breath,

the warmth that flows from your lips

when we speak, from your eyes

when they come to rest on me.

That your voice might sustain me forever!

That I, humble and meager,

You inhabit the gentlest shore,

and I, adrift, found refuge

within that warm embrace,

am now left only with remembrance,

a yearning, the taste of your sand,

your ocean made warm by the sun,

that lingers in my mouth.

What longing have I felt!

What violent, desperate longing!

In the silence between the waves,

lulling restlessly upon an endless sea,

You whisper soft words

that soothe my ache, the

soreness of my days spent

without you,

my tense and tired days,

the long sleep until I wake again

beside you,

where I am most myself,

a ship moored against the waves,

tethered to your hold.

Oh, that my song might bring you peace!

That errant words might still the sea,

drift to your shore,

that you,

my love,

whispers of your love float

around me, carried across

all this space, land softly

to rest like a breeze on my

hair, across my forearms,

to graze across all

the parts of me that

live and die and break and fall

by your lavender touch

the lilac love that drips

from your tongue, your

eyes, when we are together, and 

at once i know

that though you are farther now

than ever you have been before,

these wisps, the gust, the gale,

they are you, travelled from so

far, again here with me,

a home that somehow feels

there is a tension in the feelings

that come from my mouth

as if after every other word

is silence begging volume--

“i miss you” cannot possibly be enough 

to fill the space

between “i’m” and “okay.”

but darling

today

i am okay

because i have spent so much time

looking up at the stars

and they have spent so much time

looking down at me

and what can this distance matter,

how could it ever hope to measure up,

when all of a sudden the night sky

i have always yearned for

now stands 5′3,

tastes like laughing until you can’t breath,

fills me with contentment, with joy,

fits perfectly

snuggled up 

i can’t write enough,

or sing enough,

take enough pictures,

draw enough doodles,

but i can offer you my heart--

it’s bruised and fragile,

so i’ll ask you to be gentle with it,

but i offer it to you in its entirety

and i want nothing from you except

that you do to my heart

whatever you will,

hurt it and break it,

if you like--it’s tougher than it shows--

it is not afraid

because something about you 

feels familiar like

i’ve dozed off in class and daydreamed

about the laughter in your eyes, like

i’ve tasted the lavender of your 

lips in my happiest childhood memories,

like i held your warmth in my arms before i had

ever even met you

in short, i’m not afraid because i

know i love you and i 

to my present self,

from a hopefully better-off 

future self,

speak softly

when you feel she

needs you to,

tread softly

when the stars in

your eyes distort your vision,

and most of all

love softly,

give her time

give her space,

learn to love

her by loving yourself,

plant some seeds,

cultivate yourself--

it will feel strange

at first

and new, but

do it anyway

because this time

it's not for you,

it's not about you.

remember

your tongue can cover her in lavender

can soothe her with vanilla

envelop her in bergamot affection, 

but

you know how your fire can spread too far

how the blisters down your skin

remind you to be temperate.

do better

than you have done,

be better

if i could point to anything

i’d want to tell my past self,

some advice to guide that dumb kid

through this thicket of thorns,

i’d tell him

your love is bigger than you believe

and that is not a weakness

and it sure as hell ain’t a fault,

you will love and hurt and

it’ll make you better,

the scratches and tears may

bloody and bruise your skin

but you will be surprised at how

softly and gently your heart can heal,

how it’ll open like sunlight

in the middle of winter,

how it’ll sound like your mother’s 

voice when she sings,

quiet at first then wholly

and beautifully and definitely not

at the right pitch but

fuck it,

at least it’s honest.

i will grab him by the shoulders

and tell him

you snore like your father

and you burn inside

the way he did,

but he never stopped loving

and neither will you,

you will resolve this tension,

you can take the best parts of him and carry them in you

without fear of poisoning the rest,

i will tell him

that someday you will find words

and you will find your truth

and you will find that your truth changes

and so the words must change too.

and if he looks at me,

question marks

in his stare,

i will tell him

you move ever onward

but don’t you dare lose to fear,

don’t you dare stop fighting,

in the morning

i’m gonna miss everything about you–

the way your eyes glow

when you talk about shakespeare,

how your lips curl up at the edges

when i say something sweet

and i’m struck by the insatiable desire

to kiss them,

when you fold up next to me

until everything i want to hold in my arms

is nestled between my jaw

and my shoulder,

the way your head rests on my chest,

ear pressed against my heartbeat–

i wonder, do you hear my heart

saying your name

in its steady rhythm,

hoping above all

that repetition

can inscribe you into my soul

so i can carry you everywhere i go,

my love.

morning is on its way

but for now, if it’s okay,

i will hold you here

as the night crumbles around us,

i will take your hand

and look into your eyes,

i will whisper to you

in a voice that comes from just behind your pupils,

i will tell you

that i have never known

anything more true

i have never seen such light

would it be weird if i just spent

the next couple hours

staring at you in this dress?

are you okay with that?

cuz you can tell me if it IS weird, though

i hope you’re okay with it,

and i wanna know if you aren’t

cuz permission and consent are super

important

and i don’t ever want to do anything

to make you uncomfortable

but

if you are okay with it, 

i’m gonna sit here

and you’re gonna stand there

and i’m gonna look at you

forever,

until the moon gets tired

of being upstaged and goes to bed,

and the sun edges over the horizon and

days and nights,

and days and nights and days and nights

will come and go,

and i will sit here,

and you will stand there

and i will look at you

I feel so gross lately

because every time

I look at clouds

all I see are hearts,

my friends must be so sick

of hearing about you

when the only words

that come out of my mouth

are “Dude,” your name,

and the phrase “so fucking cool.”

The other day I checked my phone

and it said the time was 11:11

and so of course I had to make a wish

and you were the first thing I thought of,

like what the fuck?

It’s so disgusting.

But

I’m smiling more lately

the sky isn’t necessarily more blue

than it was before,

but fuck me if it doesn’t look like it is,

and my friends tell me something in me

has changed, but just something little,

they tell me I’m still me,

it’s just that I’m me, but happy.

I guess what I’m saying is

thank you for

this gift

you have given me

thank you

The goosebumps on her skin

are my favorite book

and I’m a blind man

in dire need

of a good read.

Her flesh dips and peaks

like a purple mountain range

snow-tipped caps

wrapped up in silence,

stillness, and majesty.

The violin curves of her arms, 

her legs, her waist

her closed eyes flutter

her mouth is a silent gasp

as I etch a love poem

across  her neck.

With gentle touch 

and hunger on my lips

I chart the rise and

fall of her flesh

trace outlines

of isles and foreign lands

in the dots of her skin

and am awash in her breathing–

have you seen that girl? 

 She holds the knowledge

scholars thirst for,

generations of academics

and philosophers come and go

never knowing

the secrets of the universe

You fill my lungs with a mix

of vanilla, bergamot kisses,

and I find myself falling.

Here we weave, your body unto mine,

your breath fills me

while these trees stand guard,

silhouettes against the stars,