I think that this time, this is it, I really do. I think you are the one to stay, and the memories we are making are those that we will tell our children when they are old enough to understand. It’s so strange; I’m looking at you, and you are smiling at me and everything is perfect. And this is it, this is the moment. Right now, you are the only person I could ever imagine falling for. I can picture it so well: you and I, a family, a loving home, forever. But there’s no way of knowing whether you and I, looking at each other, will always stay this perfect moment in my mind, or whether it will be coated with the feeling of loss, of missing someone I loved so deeply, of having to let go when all you want to do is hold on, of trying to forget when that person has done everything to be remembered for.

Maybe I can't lock you out of my heart but I can try to write you off my mind.

"I always hated the idea of drowning my thoughts in alcohol, but when you stopped looking at me the way you used to it felt like there was nothing else that could numb the pain that spread through my entire body. How dare you touch me once and never again. How dare you tell me that you love me and look at me with those eyes and then walk away like it never happened.  Minutes became hours and hours became days, and then time stood completely still, and I remember thinking how ironic that was. When I was with you, I wanted to have all the forevers I could find in the few precious hours we had, but when I was alone crying into my pillow, all I could think was 'make it stop' and 'make it pass' and 'make me heal'. I didn't. I still haven't. I'm not sure if there will ever be a time when I stop feeling you on my skin, or when I can properly breathe again, but I so desperately want to. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I miss you so badly. I wish you were next to me right now. I wish I could breathe in your scent and touch your skin and hear your voice. But I have to learn to live without you, even if it feels like I am dying a million deaths right now.

I used to love a boy who had stars in his eyes and galaxies on his fingertips, who had a smile that could melt the earth and eyes so blue they could freeze the sun. He was strong enough to carry the whole weight of the world on his shoulders. In my eyes he was always dancing on clouds, his laugh echoing through the whole universe. But he was just a boy. And I used to love him, but his stars had someone else written for him. So I don't anymore.

When I say that I'm glad that you stepped into my life, even if you stepped out of it again, I don't mean that getting over you was easy. Getting over you was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do; and at first, it sure felt like you did more damage than you did good. But you made me learn to never give this much of myself to anyone ever again, and that I'm worth more than crying over someone who didn't choose to stay. So yes, you did leave me damaged. But because of you I also learned how to heal.

Surround yourself with people who respect and accept your mental illnesses. With people that are okay with being left on read when you need some time to be alone, who don’t put you under even  more pressure when you feel like you’re carrying the whole world on your shoulders. Those who don’t force you to talk, but who are always there to listen. Just because you know someone well or for a long time doesn’t mean that they’re good for you; the fact that you can laugh with them doesn’t mean that they’ll be the shoulder for you to cry on when you’re at your worst and it feels like you’re falling apart. Always remember: friends are supposed to help you grow and make you happy, not stress you out and use you whenever you’re needed. You’re worth so much more than that.

I realized that I was alone when I could hear the thunder echoing through crowded halls when the rest could only hear the screaming and yelling. When we were sat in the garden at 2am, talking our pain away with words that would’ve meant nothing at another time of the day or night, and I was the one counting stars, lost in thought. I was so used to breaking parts of my heart off to give it to those who had less than me, who were clearly heartless; it was then that I began longing for something more than the cold comfort of a house that was never home. I realized that I was alone when I started hearing the silence over the sound.

It would've been enough for me if you had been able to love me back for a single moment. A single second, one loving touch, a tiny word, a small smile, one little hug, anything to make me feel like I mattered to you. It would've been enough to last me a lifetime: one time. But you couldn't even give that to me.

"Stay", he whispered, not brave enough to look me in the eyes and meet my gaze. He knew. He knew there was no way I could. "I won't make you regret it, I promise." "We both know you will", my voice was barely a whisper. "you love me for now. And maybe you will still love me when we wake up in the morning, but I know better now. People like you aren't capable of loving someone until the very end. You aren't capable of fighting for anything, even if you know it'll be worth it in the end, and that's exactly why I'll regret it if I stay. Because people like me, we are born with passion and fire and enough love to last us a lifetime. But people like you.. you're able to love tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe a week from now, but not forever. It's never forever with you.

It might've been 2 weeks, or 6 months, or 3 year since I last saw your face - but does time even matter anymore? Does time matter when I used to measure days in how often you smiled at me, weeks in how often we touched, and it wasn't a month until I got to breathe in your scent? Because now it's been 54 lost smiles, 134 touches that I must've missed somehow, and 34 times when I could've sworn you were right next to me because the air was filled with you, you, you. But it's empty, and it's cold, and I don't know how long it's been because you were my time, and you just aren't around anymore.

hi i know this is probably really irrelevant and dumb but your blog is beautiful and i love the poetry you post? ive gotten so inspired by your words, they're mesmerizing.. i dont know how else to word it, sorry. just your blog is amazing.

"What happened? What made you let go of me?" "Don't you see it? You're toxic; you set me on fire, and all the butterflies burnt away. There's not a cell in my body left to long for you anymore."

We watched so many movies and read so many stories about love and heartbreak and happy relationships and terrible breakups that we began thinking that love is a daily thing. That it’s normal for us to fall in love five times a day, because in the end we will end up with the person we’re supposed to be with anyway. We began believing in drunk texts with confessed feelings and grand gestures of love in the pouring rain. Prince Charming and Cinderella’s love will never fade and Romeo and Juliet will always find their ways to each other. But how do we expect to find love when we keep pushing people away just because we want to see them fight for us? How do we expect to be happy when we leave messages on read because we want to see if the person is interested enough in us to text us again over and over? When did we start looking for love in every corner just to turn our back to it the second we find it?

"But didn't I ever mean anything to you? Why was it so easy for you to let me go, just like all the years we had spent together were nothing?"  She couldn't stop looking at his eyes. She was looking for pain, regret, anything but the emptiness that had been surrounding her for too long now. "Of course you meant something to me." he said, and the blue in his eyes seemed to have grey dots of sadness in it, or maybe they were blue dots of pity, she couldn't tell. "You were everything. What I felt for you wasn't love, it wasn't anything that could be described with words. It was so much more." "Then why did you leave?" "Because it was scaring me. I couldn't handle the fact that I would've died for a single strand of your hair. You had total control over me. When you were sad, I was too, and I couldn't laugh unless I knew that you were happy and safe. My love was consuming me- it became something so much bigger than you and me. And I was afraid. I couldn't sleep at night because I was so scared that you would find someone better. I wish I could've just loved you, there's nothing I would've wanted more than that, believe me. But what I felt.. it was destroying me. And it would've destroyed you if I hadn't left.

I loved you so much that I started missing you even when you were right next to me. I pulled you as close as I possibly could and it still wasn't close enough. Forever was too short for me to get enough of you. How was anything like that even possible? How could I love someone so much that the rules of the universe were making me feel claustrophobic?