Karl Rokytansky (1804–1878)

My one friend really likes "yo mama" jokes, but she feels bad for saying them to me because my mama's dead, and lately she's been circumventing this by adding "in heaven" to them, a concept I was introduced to with zero warning via a text that said, "Yo mama's so stupid she's in heaven pre-heating the microwave."

just overheard somwone say "hey dude i dont see the future I've got two balls and neither is made of crystal" and im absolutely losing it

jestli tohle čteš, přeju ti den plný sluníčka, lahev multivitamínové mattonky zhmotněnou na tvém pracovním stole, spatření toho nejkrásnějšího holuba po cestě do práce/školy, přeju ti, aby tvoje oblíbené autorstvo oznámilo novou knížku, abys našla*našel*našlo svoji legitku do knihovny a aby tvoje pokojovky rostly a vzkvétaly do krásy, přeju ti příjemné a láskyplné pomazlení s tvým domácím mazlíčkem, přeju ti, aby tvůj oblíbený svetr nikdy neztratil svoji příjemnost a chlupatost a aby tvoje ponožky byly vždycky akorát teplé a akorát chladivé. 🙏

it would be so fucking embarrassing if we meet aliens and they are like wow you guys have the same technology as we did 300 gyroaays (unit of time) ago, that's awesome. and we are like wooo that's so cool and they are like yeah so what are your thoughts on electrons and glorons and we just like missed glorons and they are so important and easy to discover but we missed it and have eben fuccking around and they laigh at our shitty science built around the gaping wound that is the absence of glorons

"comparing apples and oranges" has always been funny to me as an expression because people's go to exampe of two things so radically different that they defy any useful comparison are apples. and oranges. like you would struggle to find a more comparable pair of objects than that. theyre literally sold right next to each other in most stores.