Its A Metaphor, Brian

Today hair was pinned back off her face, her eyes lined in that familiar black sharp lines. He used to watch her in the mornings applying it with precision. He was hypnotized watching her turn her face into a piece of art. 

“How are you?” his voice interrupts her thought train, snapping her attention to him. She shrugs, debating on how honest to be. 

“I’m okay.” her eyes avoided his, and instead scan around the familiar kitchen. The same kitchen she spent her afternoons in, her arms wrapped around Joe’s waist her cheek pressed against his back. She felt her breath catch in her throat as she fidgeted with her hands. This was the same kitchen she would cook with Joe in. The ghost of the laughter hung in the air, it was too much for her. Her knee began to bounce, as these memories still ate at her. She didn’t think she’d be affected like this, she didn’t think it would hit her like a slap in the face. 

“Do you want some coffee?” he asks. “Or tea. I still have your favorite afternoon tea here.” he says, and his eyes drop down to her bouncing knee. His eyes searching for hers, but she’s still busy replaying old memories. So they stay fixated on the polaroid of the two of them, now pinned on the fridge. 

He wanted to reach out and comfort her. Wrap his arms around her and tell her that she didn’t have to be anxious around him, of all people. That’s what he was used to doing. That’s what he liked to do. 

“Yeah.” she said, not answering the question straight. She shook her head, trying to shake out her jumbled thoughts with it, realizing her mistake. “Sorry. I’ll take some coffee.” she half smiles, though it’s hard. Her eyes only flash to his for a minute, his gaze too intense for her to keep it any longer. 

She can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s sad in that moment. She too, wants to comfort him, but refrains from moving. She swallows, watching as he grabs a coffee mug, her favorite one, printed with giraffes. He bought it just for her, to keep at his house. She had drank so many cups of coffee out of it. Coffee that helped get her through her all nighters. Coffee that came with sweet kisses from Joe in the morning. 

She inhales deeply before exhaling, watching as he turns on his coffee machine and starts it up. “How are you?” she asks, not being able to stop herself. She did want to know, she was curious to what he had been up to. 

“I’m okay.” he shrugs. Her lips turn down, at his short answer. What does that even mean? she ponders silently to herself. 

“Good.” she manages, though her throat burns with unasked questions. 

It’s silent. It’s not the comfortable silence she’s used to with Joe. It’s almost loud. Like everything they want to say to one another is there, hanging in the air. It’s thick and heavy and she feels like it’s laying across her chest. It almost blocks out the sound of him stirring her sugar into her cup. She hadn’t realized she zoned off, until he set the coffee cup in front of her, making her jump at the sound and how close he was. 

He smelled nice, he always did. Not just faint cologne but the smell of his laundry detergent. The smell of his peppermint face wash. Then coffee. She tried not to think about it. He looked good. He looked refreshed, and handsome as always. She looked down at her coffee and sighed silently again. This was harder than she thought. 

“I-I don’t know where to start.” she can barely manage, her voice is so quiet it’s almost like she’s whispering. He offers her a smile, one that’s encouraging. It was the same smile he’d give to her when she was having trouble with homework. Or when she’d second guess herself. She looked back down, her bottom lip raked over by her teeth. She looked up at him, silently begging him to say something first, anything. 

“Are you really okay with this?” he asks, coming through. “Being in Gwil’s wedding.” he clarifies. 

“It’s not my call to make.” she says. “I just want them to be happy.”

“Nova isn’t happy.” Joe responds, and he sounds disappointed or sad. Selene giggles, without being able to stop. 

“She’s not.” Selene clarifies. “But, I can talk to her.” 

“I don’t expect you to forgive me.” he says, “I know Nova never will.” Selene finds his eyes. Pretty and hazel, and sad. She loses her train of thought in them, her heart skipping a beat. If anything, this makes her angry. “I just need you to know that I love you. I still care about you… I miss-“ 

“It’s not about us.” she snaps. “It’s not about us.” she repeats in a quieter tone.  Joe just nods, his lips pressing into a hard line. His eyes falling down to table. “I want to try and be friends.” Her words coming out faster than she can stop them. He lights up a little, his lips curl into a smile. 

“I’d like that.” he sighed, as if he couldn’t breathe before that sentence. She is hesitant and for a moment she wants  to change her mind. Her eyes find his again. 

“I better go.” she says, looking back down at her coffee cup. Filled. She changes her mind immediately. “Maybe I should finish this.” she offers, and he smiles and nods. He wanted nothing more than to have her sat across from him. 

“Please.” he says, his arm out as a welcoming gesture. 

They sit quietly for a few minutes. Again, the air is filled with just their thoughts. Unsaid words and feelings hung in the air. Selene’s eyes found his and she felt that familiar heat rising in her chest, especially watching him smile, and look down bashfully. His eyes crinkled at the sides, his cheeks rose up. His pearl-white teeth shined. She smiled too, but quickly looked back down into her cup, still coffee sat almost at the top.   She tried to brush it off like it wasn’t affecting her, like it didn’t hurt her heart just enough to burn. 

She was the one to break the silence.  

She asked about his mom, his sister, and brother. Missing them, as much as she missed him. He happily filled her in, and that just got their conversation going. It led to two cups of coffee. Then it led to sitting on his couch, talking about her classes. His classes. Until it didn’t feel awkward anymore. Until it didn’t hurt to talk about their current lives apart from one another. 

She tried to ignore their blatant chemistry that was palpable with each topic of conversation. With each carefree laugh and each lame joke. She tried to brush of the butterflies that still seemed to inhabit her stomach when he’d laugh so hard and throw his head back. That was when she found him most attractive, and she hated the way she still felt herself gazing at him, like he was the most beautiful thing she’d seen in her entire life. 

He was fighting the same thing. The urge to reach out and move hair that fell in front of her eyes when she laughed so hard tears welled up. The urge to hold her hand and cuddle into her as she spoke about her life void of him. He was happy she didn’t mention her love life, or another man. It gave him a little hope that maybe one day they could be together happily again. 

“I better go.” she says, after some time, standing up because if she didn’t she’d probably stay even longer. He jumped up too, and again they both acted like they didn’t know what to do next. She didn’t want to leave. She knew she had too. He opened his arms, and she hesitated but  practically fell into him. 

big mistake. 

He held her tightly, like if he let go she would disappear. They both molded into each other, like nothing had changed. Their eyes fluttering shut. His head resting on hers, her cheek pressed against his chest. She could hear his heart racing beneath his sweater. Joe’s hand running up and down her back was comforting, and she hated how good it made her feel. She wanted to stay there, because that’s where she felt the most safe.

She had memories of laying in his arms after rough days, cuddled against him. His scent the same, calming and fresh. Memories of him holding her after they made love, trying to catch their breath, lazy smiles on their lips. She could stay there forever. He felt memories of holding her like this. When he was having a rough day, he would fall into her arms, her nails running through his hair, through his beard. The smell of her hair brought back their shared showers, and mornings when he’d wake up before her. He wanted to make her stay, beg her for a second chance. They stood there for a few minutes longer. That’s when she pulled away, slowly. 

She found his eyes again, feeling her heart sink and her breathing start to shutter. She could feel in the pit of her stomach what was coming, and the way he held her in his arms meant she was right. His hands slowly found their way up to her cheeks, his thumbs gently running along her skin. She burned red hot at his touch.  He leaned into her, her arms involuntarily wrapping around his neck, just like she was used to. Her head tilting up just a bit, his lips were close to hers, and she longed for his familiar kiss. She missed it. She craved it. She could feel his nose brush hers when her eyes fell shut. Her breath hitching, her heart beating heavy against her sternum. She braced herself for his lips, inhaling a shaky breath. 

Then she thought about Ben. Ben didn’t deserve this. 

“We shouldn’t.” she whispered. Though she didn’t move. Joe let go of a breath he had been holding, his forehead falling against hers. “I can’t… I’m sorry.” Her palms rest against his chest.

He nods, “I understand.” he spoke, his tone is soaked in heartbreak. Her hands are still against his chest, his hands are still holding her but he’s the one that let’s go. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” she says, sighing. They stand in front of one another for a few seconds before she moves for the door. “I’ve got to go.” she says, “It’s getting late and I promised someone I’d go see them.” she doesn’t mention a name, but in that moment, Joe knows. His heart sinks into his stomach. He knows it’s another guy. He tries to play it off, like tears aren’t threatening his eyes. 

He simply nods, following her and watching her get to her car. Watching as she drives off, both of them are unsure of where being friends would take them. If they made the right decision. If being friends was even a viable option.  

...

“You shouldn’t have done that.” Nova said, “Joe doesn’t have to be in the wedding party.” 

“It went fine, obviously.” Selene groaned.

“Yeah it went fine. You do realize now Joe and Ben are both going to be in the wedding party, right? Your ex boyfriend and your new boyfriend.”

“Ben’s not my boyfriend.” Selene corrected.

“Yet.” Heather chimed in. 

The three girls sat around the couches at Selene and Nova’s. They had the house to themselves and had been watching movies and hanging out all day. Selene had just gotten back from a sleepover at Ben’s when she found her two best friends waiting for her. 

“You could cancel the wedding and go to Vegas instead.” Selene suggests. 

“Trust me, I wanted to do just that. My parents had another plan in mind.” Nova rolls her eyes. “My mom is looking up venues while Gwil and I try to make up a guest list to get a head count… I hate all of this.” 

“We’re here to help.” Heather tries to comfort her. Nova gives her a genuine smile. 

“Now if we can help her,” Nova mumbles with a nod toward Selene. 

“I’m fine!” Selene protests.

Heather and Nova both glare at her, turning toward one another. “She needs our help.” they say in perfect unison. 

“I’m good. I’m over Joe. I am fine.” Selene says, her hands raised in defeat. Her friends look at each other and back at her. 

“Are you, though?” Heather is the one to ask. Selene hesitates and sighs.

“Yes.” she says flatly. It’s soaking in a tone of unsure. Her friends know this. They continue looking at her skeptically.

“You almost kissed him.” Nova says, “The guy you’re over.”

“He almost kissed me!” she snaps, not angrily. Defensively. Her friends raise their brows in unison, and purse their lips. It was like a mirror image and Selene groans. “I went to Ben’s. Right after. I left him to go see Ben. So what does that mean?”

“I don’t know what it means.” Heather groans. 

“You should have just left it. Gwil would have kicked him out of the groomsmen and we wouldn’t be having this exact conversation.” Nova groans too. 

“When do we get to go wedding dress shopping?” Selene tries to change the subject quickly. Nova looks like she might protest, just for a minute. Then she knows it’s no use in arguing anymore. They’d exhaust themselves going around in circles all night. She sighs. 

“My mom and Gwil’s are throwing us an engagement party. Then we can wedding dress shop.” Nova says, looking down at her phone. 

The subject stayed on just that, wedding stuff. All the planning to be done, the date, the dress, the location. It was a lot. Selene was gushing again, getting to talk about it. It was all she had ever wanted. She felt like her heart would burst at the joy she had for her best friend. Because she was happy. 

Then a little part of her felt sad. She always dreamed of her wedding day. Every part of it had been talked about hundreds of times. Selene had saved every wedding list she could find. Locations of her dreams, dates, honeymoon ideas. Color schemes and beautiful dresses. Themes and ideas and songs. And the guy. The guy that would be waiting at the end of the aisle. The guy of her dreams that would cry when he saw her dressed in white. Someone she would spend the rest of her life with. Her soulmate. 

and for a moment, only one had flashed in her mind. 

Joe. 

And she thought about how she felt like she’d never find a man that wanted to spend his life with her. Her dreams seemed to be out of reach and unrealistic to her. For now she had to brush these feelings aside and put on a happy face for her best friend.