(this is rebloggable, and Iâd appreciate it if you would)
I really wanted to write this today. I wanted to be extremely frank about how the dynamic of transmisogyny undergirds so much of gay and trans spaces.I want to explore how trans women are gated from community and forming social relationships, and ultimately gated from having a full sense of personhood.
Transmisogyny is a system of abuse that aims to fully decentralize a trans womanâs sense of self and personhood. A trans woman exists in a space where theyâre simultaneously fetishized and repulsive. Weâre oddly glorified in gay and trans spaces, yet are also the first to blame whenever something goes wrong. The point of creating a person to be as paradoxical as trans women is to make them impossible, and therefore intangible. It is to make them like Frankensteinâs monster. Itâs to make them unbelievable and vilified for being so incomprehensible. Yet, much like Frankensteinâs monster, we want to be understood and to be loved. We describe our experiences, but are denied and called liars. We are viewed with medical and social intrigue, only to be shortly discounted as unimportant and, again, impossible.
To be a trans woman is to experience an alienation so extreme that it is an entire world apart from what is often projected out there as the âtrans experienceâ by people who arenât trans women.
Some out there recognize this superficially, where theyâll say âyeah itâs trans women who get a lot of shit in the community and the world!â And really, we gotta dig deeper than that. When the impossibility of a trans woman is internalized by others, we are seen not as a full person, but as an object. Thatâs when trans women are raped, abused, get the shit kicked out ofâem, and die.
This extremely vulnerable state trans women exist in becomes the catalyst where we seek community, where weâre desperate for people to be with, to be loved and cared for, or even just seen. Demagogues in community recognize this, and will quickly bring her to their side, introduce them to people, and get her involved. Itâs likely overwhelming for her. Sheâs probably touch starved. Sheâs afraid to touch people because sheâs internalized that sheâs inherently predatory. She probably hasnât been shown much kindness in her life. Her social skills might be fettered by the years of cruelty and uncertainty.
Yet suddenly she sees herself as possible. She begins to gain her sense of self. Sheâs more confident, more willing to put herself out there, she has fun. She goes out, she dances, sheâs having the time of her life. But⌠then she stands up for herself. To the wrong person.
Thatâs not⌠what she was brought into this community for. Thatâs not convenient. Thatâs not compliant. Suddenly sheâs so possible that itâs infuriating. The demagogue realizes they canât keep her around now. She wonât let herself be a token. They can no longer use her in the sense of âIâm not a transmisogynist, I hang out with this tranny!â How, then, does the demagogue maintain their social position? Hearsay and rumors and gossip.
âSheâs just kind of problematic,â and then never specifying what she did. Never talking to her about it. Itâs not about her learning, itâs about grooming peopleâs social peripheries.
âI know I shouldnât say it, but she is male socialized.â
âSheâs kinda manly.â
âSheâs not all that femme, so what does she know?â
âShe hasnât unpacked her toxic masculinity.â
This is to package her as damaging to community. Sheâs more easily disposable now. Itâs to isolate her. Cut her off from community and the relationships she formed. People invite her out less. Sheâs not asked to help organize. Sheâs forced to be a homebody. Itâs a slow and painful severing from community.
Sheâs all alone again. Sheâs so lonely, she gets depressed. It becomes harder for her to manage her symptoms. Sheâs messing up a little at work, which she shortly finds out is enough to get her fired. She canât crowdfund for rent because no one will share the post, because her support system is gone. She starts to wonder if itâs worth going on. Itâs winter, and sheâs terrified of being homeless (again).
Or, we play the part they want. We agree to be their token. Weâre quiet and agreeable. We say âyesâ often. We shrink ourselves. We starve ourselves. We diminish our sense of self for the âsake of the community.â We learn as we go along that we donât matter to them. We know it but continue on. We hear our friends espouse politics and theory that are predicated on our annihilation. Or more simply, we hear them espouse generally harmful transmisogyny. We rationalize that weâre only sacrificing a little bit of our dignity so we can maintain that support system. And slowly we lose our sense of self. We exist for others. We become the compliant object they want us to be. At least weâve got a support system, right?
The process is the same regardless. We either disappear from the world entirely through death, or we sacrifice our dignity and sense of self and arenât really even people anymore. In both cases, we are no longer a fully-formed person with agency. We exist at the whim of others.
I often wonder, whenever I enter into a community, which poor trans woman am I replacing? Who was here before me? Why am I being let in so quickly? What was the girl before like? Did they kick her out (yet)? Does she have friends? Do the people here care about her? How soon will it be until Iâm no longer convenient? When will people stop talking to me?
And so I sit in that caution and vigilance, because Iâve been here before. I am one of the people whoâs let herself sacrifice a bit of her dignity to maintain social relationships. I will admit that full-stop. Iâve started doing it ever since the trans lesbians who lived in my state all moved. The reason they moved? âMinnesota has an enormous transmisogyny problem. The âradicalâ queer community hates trans women so much.â
I know this. I continue on. I quietly prioritize other trans women whenever I see them. I praise them when they do well. I congratulate them on accomplishments. I show up for them. I see them. I help them. I love them. They will always be my priority.
I have no answers for you, except the hope that you show up in ways that matter for trans women. Nobody should ever have to go through this.
