Colonel Bastard

I just CHOPPED my hair at 3 AM in the midst of a bReAkDOwN. So yeah, I'm right on schedule.

I'm uncomfortable with how relatable this is because I have BEEN THERE

My weather app be sending me air quality alerts like I'm gonna do something about it

@icameheretowinry

i think edward elric entire military experience can be summarized as john mulaney’s “horse loose in the hospital” bit

@dalethesjtoddler

And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the child, and then, 5 miles under the capital city, an evil homunculus was like, “I have a huge transmutation circle and I’m going to kill everyone to become god!” And before we could say anything, the child was like, “If you even fucking look at Amestris, I will punch you to death with my fists. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can take my unresolved daddy issues out on you, I’m so fucking crazy.”

This post was written by Roy Mustang

Sometimes it’s not a bad thing, just surprising. Like, “Today the child did alchemy without a transmutation circle,” and everyone is like, “Huh, I didn’t know he could do that.”