Robron Secret Santa

If the outside is the same, the inside has changed, and his eyes are quick to notice it. There are decorations covering every inch of surface that’s not currently in use, and even Christmas music playing overhead. (It’s  a cover of a song that he can’t recognise, but still sounds vaguely familiar; a niggle of an itch at the back of his brain, but right now he’s more focused on other things.)

The lights are dim, and there’s a fire burning in the hearth, adding extra warmth to the cozy atmosphere. There might have been some change in The Scrapyard’s management’s policy since the last time he was here because there are pride flags hung on the brick back wall. However the handwriting on the chalkboard hanging right next to them is that same messy scrawl, so he doubts too much has changed besides that.

“What are you doing here?”

Robert turns to find himself faced with a much younger man than he’d been assuming to find, though his countenance is just as hard as he’d been expecting. He steps up to Robert with a fire in his dark eyes, and the promise of a threat in his clenched fists. “Thought Aaron told you you weren’t welcome here.”

“Ellis, it’s alright.”

Robert heaves an internal sigh of relief. He’d never admit it, but the other man had had him worried. He’s clearly in shape, and between Robert giving his security guard the night off, there’s no way he could have taken him. (There’s also that niggle at the back of his brain, confirming that he would have deserved whatever was coming.)

Ellis takes a step back, folding his arms across his chest, staring him down before eventually turning away. “You sure?”

“Yeah. Go on home. Marlon won’t stop texting me.”

Ellis turns to look at him, before finally nodding, then turns to look at Robert one last time. When he speaks again, his eyes are a hard steel, though his words are aimed at Aaron. “Call me if you need any help taking out the rubbish.”

He fires one last glare and heads out the door, bumping into Robert’s shoulder forcefully on purpose.

Robert doesn’t react, doesn’t say anything else, not wanting to have made a bigger scene that might draw attention. With Ellis now gone, it’s just the two of them… along with a few of the regular late-night punters. People who have nowhere else they’d rather be either. So in a way, he’s one of them.

Robert slowly exhales, and brings his gaze up, finally letting his eyes settle on Aaron. He’s wearing an old green jumper and skinny black jeans — not unlike when they’d been dating.  

And just like that, it’s a kick to the chest; a quick punch that sends his heart careening. Aaron hasn’t changed at all, and yet he’s changed so much, a man where a boy used to be. He’s grown out his close-shaved hair — now curlier on top — and is wearing it completely gel-free. Robert’s heart pangs as he wonders who caused that to happen, which of the men who might have come after him. (He has no doubt Aaron dated again — and that’s without Victoria messaging him.)  

“New boyfriend?” He tries to joke, his voice barely holding steady under the weight of those blue eyes. Aaron’s gaze is fixed and firm, scrutinising every last inch of him. (For a second Robert wonders what he might see in his face, and what changes he might be finding. Robert’s fashion hasn’t changed, though his hair’s a bit more styled, and his skin is a bit more tanned than it was when he was last here. He’s taller and broader, with a slightly deeper voice. No longer that skinny lad of 22.)

“New bar keep.” Aaron eventually replies, his tone flat and perfectly neutral. If he’s had any reaction to seeing Robert suddenly turn up in his pub, he’s sure as hell not showing it. And somehow that cuts more than anything else, despite Robert knowing he’s not owed anything.

“Suppose there was an opening.” Robert tries again, hoping for any inch of give from the man in front of him. But Aaron simply turns and heads behind the bar, green jumper pulling tight against bigger biceps.

“What do you want, Robert?” He says it like a sigh; a long-suffering parent looking for answers. Robert almost feels like a wayward child as his stomach starts to lurch, his face growing hot from the question.  

“Thought I’d get a drink,” he replies as pleasantly as he can, still intent on ignoring everything about Aaron’s general demeanour. He unzips his big brown coat to further underscore his point — and show off the fitted white shirt he has on underneath. If Aaron checks him out while he takes a seat in front of him, he completely misses it.  

“There’s plenty of pubs in London.” Aaron points out, making no move to serve him.

“Missed the service.” The charm offensive continues, though much less assuredly. “No one pours a pint quite like Aaron Dingle.”  

“Not my problem,” Aaron shrugs and leans against the back wall, crossing his arms against his chest.

Sitting this close, Robert’s taking in every detail that he can, doing his best to update his memory. His beard is thicker, fuller, and much better maintained, and his chest is now broader and more muscular. (Robert remembers Vic mentioning Aaron training to box, but he’d never really asked after that. The thought of Aaron sweaty and half-naked and fighting other men would have caused his resolve to break completely.)

“It is a little,” Robert eventually insists, ignoring the growing tightness in his chest space. It’s the ache of his heart slowly tearing apart and being shredded like strips of paper. He’d thought he had a shot, but he’s less sure now. He’s starting to rethink this whole plan.

“You need to stop being so memorable.” He perseveres on, not willing to give up without one last fight.

Something seems to crack, because Aaron finally moves, reaching below the bar to pull out a pint glass and fill it. He slides it to Robert without another word, though the force and speed of the gesture cause some of the beer to spill around it. A few drops splatter onto Robert’s jeans, not that he even notices.

“£1.50. Leave when it’s done.”

Aaron turns and heads into the backroom.

:::::

SIX YEARS AGO

The melody is fine, but then he plays a wrong note, and the effect is immediately jarring. Robert flinches and tries it again, but stops as soon as he hits it.

“It sounds fine,” Aaron says after his fifth attempt, walking over from the bar and standing by the piano. He’s wearing one of his biggest and baggiest shirts, paired with baggy jeans and a hoodie. It’s early enough in the evening that the pub is still empty, so Robert’s trying to squeeze in some extra practice.

“You don’t know what it’s supposed to sound like,” Robert chuckles, shuffling to the side and making space on the bench for his best friend.

“Not my fault I’m not inside your head,” Aaron shrugs, taking a seat beside him. “Don’t think I want to know what goes on in there.”

He pretends to shudder in fear as Robert’s cheeks grow warm, thinking of all the time he spends thinking of him.

So he pretends to ignore that comment and play a few more notes, hoping that repetition will lead to an answer. But as he approaches that same part again, a mental wall starts to build until he comes to a complete standstill. The song won’t progress and so he can’t either, the whole experience nothing but vexing.

He runs a hand through his hair — longer in the back — and pounds a frustrated fist on his upper thigh lightly.  

“I can’t seem to figure out what comes next,” Robert complains, tapping a high note repeatedly. “Nothing I play seems to sound right.”

“Then play something else,” Aaron suggests, like he always does any time Robert’s blocked in this way. He’s the only person Robert allows to see him compose his songs. The only other person he’d ever go for help to.

“Any requests?” Robert asks, because he can never say no — at least not to Aaron — and because his fingers have found the keys he’s looking for already. The start of the song is already playing in his head, and his hands are itching to play it.

“Surprise me,” Aaron smiles, like he can really read his mind, giving him a playful nudge in the side to confirm it. They both know what’s coming next, because Robert can never resist, playing this song any chance he gets.

Robert takes his time, feeling each note, letting the intro build to the first line of the lyrics. With each second he plays, his tension starts to ebb, as something in his chest begins to open — though that may have something to do with Aaron’s presence beside him, seeing as Robert’s been in love with him since he was in Year 11. (He knows it’s a cliche to fall for your best mate, especially when he’s the only other gay guy he knows. But every time he sees him, his heart starts to swell, making him want to burst into song like he’s about to.)

“And you must remember this… A kiss is but a kiss… A sigh is but a sigh…”

He turns to look at Aaron — just like every time he sings — eager to see his early reaction. He may not have Springsteen’s presence or Sinatra’s voice, but he can still carry “As Time Goes By” like nobody’s business. Aaron smiles, blue eyes lighting up from within, as his head bobs to the melody. Robert can see him mouth along the words, though he’d never really dare to sing it.

Pleased with the response, Robert turns away, closing his eyes as he gives himself over to the music. He lets himself forget where he is, this time and this place, just holds on to the melody and the thought of Aaron.

He only opens them again, when the song is long done, having slowed down and held that last note. Next to him, Aaron’s sitting still, patiently waiting for him to return to him.

“Mum loved that song,” Robert exhales. He turns to look at Aaron. He gently lifts his hands from the keyboard, and lets the cover drop. “It’s the reason I first started playing.”

Aaron’s eyes light up, and Robert smiles to himself, shaking his head as he tells him, “I’d wanted to surprise her for her birthday.”

The memory of those lazy Sunday afternoons plays fresh in his mind, long stretches spent squashed into his mother’s side, watching all her favourite old movies on the telly. Casablanca had been her favourite by far, Sarah quoting each scene under her breath her whole time. (When Robert had asked why she’d loved it so much, she’d simply said, “Love isn’t always easy.”)

“What did she say?” Aaron quietly asks, and Robert realises he’d never told this to anyone. But something about this song and the way Aaron’s looking at him now, makes him understand what she’d meant then.

“She signed me up for lessons the very next day,” Robert tells him, chuckling ruefully. He shakes his head as he recalls her expression. “The whole thing was terrible. I couldn’t play or sing. Don’t know what I’d been thinking.”

“Can’t say much has changed,” Aaron teases him with a nudge, only this time Robert can’t muster up much enthusiasm. He’s sent out his demo to a few different record labels, and he’s yet to hear back from any of them. All his recent gigs got cancelled, and he hasn’t written a new song in a while, so he’s due a bit of a wallow.  

“Feels that way sometimes,” he sighs out loud, running his hands over the smooth mahogany cover. He traces the line of the edge, feeling it dig into his finger pad, as his hand moves further away from Aaron.

“I don’t know what I’m thinking.” His finger comes trailing back. “Dropping out of uni to become a singer. I should probably give up and go work on the farm with my dad. Maybe then I won’t be such a failure.”

“Don’t be daft.” Aaron’s serious now — more serious than Robert’s ever heard him. “You’re the best singer I know, and I love your songs. I’m not just saying that because you’re my best mate.”

He grabs Robert’s hand, holding it in his, using it to gesture back at him. “Your dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You’d make a terrible farmer.”

He indicates Robert’s fingers, long and smooth; the fingers of a trained pianist. Aaron’s always teasing Robert for his lack of calluses — or any roughness at all — as he works to keep his nails short and hands moisturised. (Not that Robert’s absorbing any of this, his single focus on Aaron’s fingers wrapped around the backs of his. He’s always run cold, but Aaron’s touch is nothing but hot, and it’s all he can do to not get consumed by it.)

He forces himself to meet Aaron’s gaze, only to find a certain softness waiting in his expression. It says, You’ll be okay, and You’re the best man I know, and Robert, I think you’re amazing. (Maybe he’d added in that last part for himself, but he’d really had a dream like that; Aaron looking at him like he’s his whole world, just like Aaron’s always been his.)

“Thanks,” Robert whispers, nodding a smile. He can’t help but notice how close Aaron’s lips are, and how he can smell the faint traces of his new aftershave. It’s one Robert picked out himself and gifted to him last Christmas.

“Don’t mention it,” Aaron jokes back, grinning at him cheekily, before growing more serious. “Really don’t. I don’t want to be responsible for your ego.”

It’s as Aaron’s joking, that Robert takes the plunge, throwing himself off the deep end. He lunges forward and kisses Aaron on the lips, cutting him off mid-sentence.

The fundamental things apply… As time goes by…

There’s that second of a pause, where Aaron doesn’t move, and Robert’s convinced he’s ended their friendship. He’s about to pull back, apologise and run away, when Aaron starts kissing him back just as ardently.

It’s a flood of relief, then joy and pure bliss, as Robert discovers it’s better than he’d imagined. It’s a warm beam of sunlight on a cold winter’s day, when he’s stood around on the farm freezing.

When they each pull away, they’re both out of breath, though neither of them can stop grinning. Robert would say something, but his heart’s in his ears, rapidly thudding, he likes me, he likes me, he likes me.

“Robert Sugden, I am not paying you to sit around and hang out with my son,” Chas declares when she enters. “The evening rush’ll be here soon, so finish setting up. You can do whatever this is, later.”

Robert looks down at his hand, still clasped in Aaron’s, his fingers curled around Robert’s tenderly. He’s yet to let go, but it seems like he doesn’t want to yet, Aaron enjoying this moment of contact as much as Robert.

“Later?” Robert asks, voice just above a whisper, wanting to keep what happened between just the two of them.

“Later.” Aaron confirms, giving Robert’s hand a gentle squeeze.

He doesn’t stop grinning for ages.

:::::

He knows what Aaron said, but he’s hesitant to leave. At least not without a proper conversation. But knowing him, he’s locked the front door to his flat at the back, and he won’t be opening it up for Robert. (Calling and texting won’t work either, because Robert’s certain he’s blocked his number. Even if he hasn’t, he wouldn’t answer now, not knowing Robert’s sitting at the bar there.)

So Robert looks around, for the only idea he has. The only way he can think of to reach Aaron. It’s a long shot, but it just might work, and right now, Robert’s desperate.

It doesn’t take him long to find it again: the piano now tucked away in a corner and covered in tinsel. But by the looks of things, it’s in pretty decent shape, even if it is a little bit dusty. Robert lifts the lid and taps a High C. The note rings out perfectly. The instrument may be in disuse, but it’s clear that someone’s been looking after it since — or at least enough to have it tuned regularly.

“Excuse me. D’you take requests by any chance?” An older man seated nearby asks him. He’s immediately interrupted by his slightly drunk friend, who demands, “‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’!”

“Rodney! You have to say ‘Please,’” The first man exclaims, aghast at his friend’s behaviour. “Honestly, you’re worse than Gabby and Arthur. At least they remember their manners.”

He then turns back to Robert and introduces himself. “I’m Doug, and this is Rodney..”

“Robert,” he replies, glancing back at the bar, but Aaron doesn’t emerge and both men are looking at him expectantly.

“Yeah. Why not?” Robert nods, unzipping his jacket all the way, before sitting down at the piano. He glances across the room, looking for hidden cameras or phones, anything that could record it or put it on the Internet. He doesn’t need a group of his fans to swarm the pub — on Christmas Eve of all nights. He’s already in the news enough as it is. He doesn’t want to subject Aaron to that kind of hassle.

He forgets all that when he studies the keys, the whole experience so strange and unexpected. He’d never imagined coming back like this. He’d always hoped it would be under happier circumstances. But it still feels like home when he starts to play, the piano still producing that same deep and rich tone. None of his keyboards in the studio come close to capturing this sound, not even his private grand piano. And more than that, it’s also the instrument’s response, his fingers’ muscle memory starting to kick in. He doesn’t need to think about how much pressure the keys and pedals require, or how far in advance he needs to prepare for it.

Now standing next to him, Rodney starts to sing, and he’s quickly joined by Doug’s voice. As they proceed to belt out the lyrics of the song, Robert can’t help but chime in. Maybe it’s the piano, or maybe it’s being back in this pub, or maybe it’s the lack of pressure that comes from performing for a slightly drunk audience, but the notes start to flow — and with it, Robert’s voice, though he knows he’s supposed to be resting it.

The singalong attracts the rest of the late-night patrons, who’re still at the back of the pub drinking. So soon after the song wraps, Robert gets his next request, Rodney yelling, “Band Aid’s ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’”

After another quick check, but no Aaron at the bar, Robert begins to play it. The song starts out clunky, a little hazy in his mind, but he’s heard it enough on TV that he can reproduce most of it. (Not that Rodney or the rest would know, seeing as their singing is off-key anyway.) But it feels nice to get this kind of break, focus on playing and singing just for the sake of it. He makes plenty of mistakes and sings in a silly voice, something he hasn’t done in ages. The other drinks seem to enjoy that a lot, as they soon start copying that in later verses.

They’re midway through the reprise when he feels a familiar flush of warmth on his back, the sign of a very specific spotlight. But Robert doesn’t falter, or even miss a beat, as he keeps on playing and occasionally singing.

When he wraps up that song, they’re all out of breath, so he doesn’t wait for another request to come in. Robert just launches into the one he’d been planning on playing from the start, his fingers finding the keys easily. Thankfully, no one seems to notice it’s not quite in theme; “As Time Goes By” having nothing to do with Christmas. In any case, he’s the only one singing this time, so he dispenses with the silly voices. The second he does, his voice starts to carry, soaking through the pub effortlessly. Robert’s grown as a singer over the years, having trained his voice much like one would with an instrument.

But still, he can’t shake that frisson of nerves that causes a knot deep in his belly. It’s been a while since he’s played this particular number for more than himself, having only intended it for one particular person. And with Aaron’s presence, the song pulls him under quick, sucking him in like a lullaby. And through it all, Aaron’s gaze never seems to waiver, remaining fixed on his upper back and locked between his shoulder blades. It’s the only thing that pierces his music-filled haze, as happens when he plays any song that reminds him of Aaron.

When Robert finishes, he gets a smattering of applause, the loudest of which comes from Doug, who solemnly nods, “Sinatra would have loved it.”

Robert nods in gratitude, but he’s already turning around, only one reaction that he really cares for. Only when he looks back at the bar to see what Aaron thinks, there’s no longer anyone standing there.

:::::

FIVE AND A HALF YEARS AGO

The second the call ends, he runs back into the pub, grabbing Aaron by the arm and pulling him into the men’s washroom. He can hear Chas complain, but he doesn’t give a fuck. The door swings shut behind them.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Aaron exclaims, doing his best to track his boyfriend’s excitement. Robert nearly trips, almost pulling them both down in his rush. Thankfully, Aaron maintains his balance. “What’s going on?”

He’s barely done asking before Robert pins him against the first stall and kisses him hard, not even caring if there’s an occupant in there behind them. Aaron doesn’t resist, going along with the flow, his hands coming to rest on Robert’s elbows.

When Robert does pull back, Aaron looks a bit dazed, pink cheeks a perfect compliment to his purple hoodie.

“Not that I’m complaining,” he says, a bit out of breath. “But what’s brought this about?”

“Lawrence White called,” Robert tells him, breathing slightly hard as he practically shakes with excitement. His volume is wavering between a whisper and a shout, getting louder at the end of each sentence. “He heard my demo and he wants to sign me as a client. He wants to produce my first album!”

Aaron’s jaw drops, registering the shock, before it comes back up to form a big smile. His eyes shine bright, twin blue stars, sparkling with pride and excitement.

“Told you he would,” Aaron says, voice falling just shy of smugness. Then again, it’s true. He’d never doubted for a second. “He does have an eye for talent.”

“But he’d never have heard me if it wasn’t for you slipping him my CD,” Robert tells him, trying to convey his gratitude. The shock of that phone call is just starting to set in, as he slips down the mountain of that initial high; the realisation of what this means really starting to hit him. His long-held goals finally coming to fruition.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Aaron looks at him like he’s grown two heads, both of them spouting nonsense.

“Robert, this is your big dream,” he points out, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “How could I not do everything in my power to help you?”

Robert doesn’t know what to say, just stands there gaping. He’s not sure what more he can say other than a million thank you’s. He doesn’t deserve Aaron, and he never really has, his boyfriend easily the better half of their relationship.

But Aaron’s not done, a proud look on his face, as he eyes Robert carefully. “You’ve wanted to be a singer for as long as I’ve known you. It’s time other people know how good you are.”

Robert’s still speechless, so he just kisses Aaron instead, hoping to show him everything he can’t say. His hands wrapping around Aaron’s waist to pull him closer, hands bunching in the extra folds of the baggy fabric. Aaron responds immediately, deepening the kiss, his hands moving up and squeezing Robert’s upper arms through his leather jacket. (It had actually been a present for his birthday that year, Robert turning a ripe 22 in April. Aaron had joked he’d needed to look the part, if he was ever going to be a “world-famous” singer.)

“Just don’t forget me when you get all famous,” Aaron teases when they eventually break away, having had to come up for air sometime. He means it as a joke, but there’s a look in his eye, that tells Robert that he really is quite serious.

“Why would I?” Robert asks, bewildered at even the thought of it. If there’s one thing he’s sure about, it’s definitely this. His heart won’t stand any quibbles. “You’ll be right there, next to me the whole time. You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Dingle.”

:::::

He knows he should leave, but he figures it’s worth one last try; his most desperate of Hail Marys. A sorry may not heal the past of its wounds, but he’d at least like Aaron to hear him.

So he goes to the back of the pub and stands outside his front door, steeling himself to go inside any moment. It’s currently ajar, Aaron probably having rushed in and not taken the time to shut it properly. Dim light from inside his living room is spilling into the hallway outside, falling on Robert’s legs where he’s standing. He’s never been one to walk away from an opportunity like this — a guiding principle of his life thus far — so he knocks on the door and walks right in.

He needs to speak to Aaron Dingle.

:::::

When he enters the flat he sees Aaron right away, standing across the living room at his kitchen counter. There’s a bottle of whiskey sitting on it uncapped, and a glass in hand that Aaron’s drinking from like it’s oxygen.

Robert doesn’t want to intrude so he says nothing right away, glancing around the space where he’s standing instead. Things are mostly the same as when he’d once lived here, the sofa and television still resting in the same place. But the photos in the frames have been slightly revised — or at least edited to omit any glimpse of Robert. (There’s also the addition of a blanket lying rumpled on a chair, quite new from what Robert can make of it. It’s entirely like something he might have bought them once; a present for himself and Aaron.)

“Why are you here?” Aaron asks after several long seconds have passed by, his tone sharp and voice raspy. He places the glass on the counter with a loud thunk, but he doesn’t turn around. Just stands there with his back turned to him.

“Needed change for a fiver.” Robert’s first instinct is to joke, but then he sees the muscles of Aaron’s back tense. So he reaches for the truth, presenting that instead. It’s about time he came clean and addressed it.

“…and I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Aaron barks a bitter laugh, finally turning around to face him. “Lying to the world? Or lying to me?”

He waits a quick beat. “Or dumping me on live television?”

“I didn’t dump you-” Robert frowns, and attempts to correct. It’s the same argument from five years ago.  

“You said you were dating someone else! You told the whole world you loved her!” It’s clear Aaron still feels that pain as fresh as it was yesterday. His voice is rough with it as he recounts it. “You promised it would always be the two of us. Not us and Priya Sharma.”

He spits her name out like it’s something rotten in his mouth, Robert flinches from the force of it. He’d known at the time it would cause friction between them, but he’d still foolishly gone ahead and done it. Of course, he hadn’t thought he’d still be feeling the effects of it five years on, that his fake relationship would still be a point of contention.

“I told you,” Robert sighs, an attempt to explain yet again, lay out his side of this old argument. “Nothing ever happened between us that you didn’t see. It was just a publicity stunt so we could boost record sales.”

“That’s not the point!” Aaron states, stepping forward and gesturing with his left hand. “You didn’t think we were worth enough to take a chance on. You didn’t believe in us.”

“Of course I did!” Robert insists, because he knows what he’d felt and it was real. “I would never have asked you to come with me to London if I didn’t. I wanted us to make a proper go of it.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and shakes his head, clearly not believing him.

“I was young and stupid,” Robert points out. He knows it’s not an excuse, but he really hadn’t known better.

“Well, that hasn’t changed,” Aaron fires back, when he actually tells him that.

“You know, you said you were fine,” Robert argues next, feeling that same rising irritation. He’d come here to right a wrong, not hash out the past ad nauseum. “When I told you about Lawrence’s proposal, you said it was okay. And that it wouldn’t come between us.”

“I was trying to support you. I didn’t know what that meant!” Aaron yells back. “I didn’t know I’d have to sit around watching the man I love kiss some other woman, all so he can make an extra bit of cash on his album.”

Robert winces, but bites his tongue. He really does deserve that. He’s imagined himself on the other side of that fence plenty of times, and he’s hated every second of it.

“That’s why I’m here. I want to make this right. I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry!”

“It’s been five years!” Aaron exclaims, his tone and body language entirely disbelieving. He lowers his voice as he then asks, “What changed? Lawrence ask you to come here?”

“I fired him,” Robert tells him the truth. “That’s not the kind of artist I want to be. I don’t want to have to lie to sell my music.”

He swallows roughly, and looks at his feet, he still hasn’t figured out what that other answer is. He’d simply woken up at the start of the week, aching for Aaron like a missing limb.  

“And I don’t know what’s changed. Nothing really, I suppose. Other than me realising I still love you.”

Aaron stares at him, slowly starting to deflate, all fight slowly leaving his system.

“Robert, go home.”  He sounds just about done, too tired for the rest of this argument.

He leans his hands on the back of the sofa, and looks at his feet. “You made a mistake coming back here.”

“My mistake was saying yes to Lawrence in the first place.” Robert explains vehemently, knowing where the original sin lay.

“I never should have done that.” He sighs out loud. Then softly adds, “Maybe then we’d actually still be together.”

Aaron still doesn’t look at him, but he doesn’t protest out loud. So maybe he believes that also. Robert tries to imagine a world where they’re still a couple right now and it hurts his heart to do so. He could have had this, instead of what he ended up with, and it’s all his fault and he knows that.

In any case, he doesn’t want to wear out his welcome any longer, so he just asks the question he came to get the answer to. He already knows the answer, but he cannot resist. It’s that little bit of fight still left in him. If there’s even a sliver of a sliver of a chance Aaron would take him back, he’s going to do his best and seize it.

“I don’t know if you’re seeing anyone…” It pains him just to say it. “But do you think we could try this again? Give it another try as a couple?”

Aaron doesn’t answer, and it’s like Robert expects. At least now he can close this chapter.

So he starts to leave, but then stops in his tracks, turning around to face Aaron once more. “I brought you something. I know it isn’t much. But they say don’t go anywhere empty-handed.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a silver USB, shaped like a mini silver Porsche. He doesn’t try and slip it into Aaron’s hand. Instead he just steps forward and places it on the coffee table.

A part of him had hoped he wouldn’t be leaving here alone, but understands where Aaron’s coming from and gets it.

“Merry Christmas, Aaron,” Robert says with one foot out the door, before pulling it closed behind him.

:::::

FIVE YEARS AGO

He’s leaning against the counter and sipping his morning coffee, watching Aaron make their weekly Sunday fry-up. Neither of them has to be anywhere else for a while, so they’ve got their whole day in front of them; Aaron in Robert’s navy t-shirt and pants, Robert in just Aaron’s black jogger bottoms.

The radio is playing like it always does, a happy compromise for the both of them; Robert getting to listen to contemporary singles of other artists on the charts, while Aaron gets his mix of classics and throwbacks.

“The garage next door says they’re hiring,” Aaron informs him, tending to the sizzling bacon. “I was always helping Cain fix cars back home in the village. Thought I might give it a try and apply there.”

“You know, you don’t have to look for work,” Robert says gently, looking at his mug as he says it. “We haven’t even made a dent in the signing advance that White Records gave me.”

“Yeah, but I can’t stay home with you all day,” Aaron says, glancing over at him. “No matter how much I want to.”

Robert pouts, not liking what he hears. Even if he does get what Aaron’s saying.

“But I’ll miss you when you’re gone.” He looks sorry for himself. “The flat won’t be the same without you.”

“Use that then,” Aaron retorts, only sounding like he’s half-joking. “Finish that song you’re stuck on.”

Robert groans and makes a face. “I suppose you’re right. Guess I’ll be busy while you’re off at the garage.”

“They haven’t hired me yet!” Aaron points out with a chuckle, though he’s blushing a little as he says it.

“They’d be fools not to,” Robert insists, just as an idea strikes him. He grins at Aaron, expression growing cheekier. “See if you can get one of those overalls home. I can help you… practice.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, even as his lips curve upwards. “And here I thought you liked me in a suit.”

“I can like both,” Robert grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “All part of being bisexual.”

He hears Aaron snort and sees him shake his head, thrilled his joke landed. He’s about to say something about how his favourite outfit involves “nothing at all,” when he sees his boyfriend go stock-still; shoulders stiff, spine as stiff as a lamppost, ears listening intently.

“What’s wrong?” Robert asks, but Aaron shushes him loudly, turning the gas down and reaching for the radio. As the volume increases, so too does the sound, where it was once just playing in the background.

It takes him a second, but soon Robert stills too, unable to believe what he’s hearing. It feels like he’s dreaming. But it’s all real. That’s his voice coming through the radio. It’s his first single and it’s out in the world, broadcast to millions of strangers. People all over the country have heard his first song, and are sitting and passing judgement.

But none of that matters, at least not right now, because he doesn’t care about their opinion. There’s only one that matters, and he’s standing in front of him, in danger of burning the bacon.

“What do you think?” Robert puts down his mug, jittery without the caffeine. Hearing his own song is like a shot of adrenaline in his veins, his heart just won’t stop racing.

“That you’re brilliant.” Aaron smiles proudly at him, not hiding behind snark and teasing. “And that your mum would be proud of you. Robert. This is amazing.”

He can feel his cheeks burn, but he doesn’t care, not embarrassed of his feelings. “You know, I couldn’t do any of this without you. Especially moving to London.”

“You’d have been fine,” Aaron insists, moving to turn the gas off. “You were always going to make it.”

“But I don’t think I’d want to without you here,” Robert replies, stepping forward to slowly embrace him. “Aaron, you’re the best part of this.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m making bacon,” Aaron says, letting himself be held as Robert presses a kiss to his shoulder.

“Don’t think so,” Robert’s lips move towards Aaron’s cheek. “Don’t love bacon half as much as I love you.”

:::::

He wakes up the next morning and checks his phone, but there’s no messages or missed calls from Aaron. So it’s safe to say that maybe he hasn’t checked out the drive — if he hasn’t thrown it out completely.

Robert sighs, and tosses his phone to the side, doing his best to avoid trying to call him. Aaron’s made his choice, and Robert needs to accept it. Going out there was always a long shot and on some level he’d always known that. After all, there are some mistakes you can’t always fix, and sadly this is one of them.

But maybe it doesn’t need to be that way. There are other apologies he’s due for. So he decides to do the next best thing and patch things up with the other major person he’s been neglecting.

“Hello? Rob?” Vic picks up quickly. The concern in her voice is evident. Not that Robert can focus on that now, he’s struck by how much she sounds like their mother. “Robert, is that you? Is everything alright?”

“Uh yeah,” he finally responds. “Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”

After not calling or wishing you for five years.

There’s a beat as neither of them speaks, and he fears he’s made this whole thing too uncomfortable. But then Vic joyfully replies, “Merry Christmas to you too!” and it’s like all’s forgotten.

She sounds happy to hear from him, cheerful even, and Robert begins to think this wasn’t a bad idea. Maybe he should have gotten over himself sooner so he wouldn’t have wasted so much time. But at least now he’s learned that lesson.

“So how’ve you been? How’s Adam?” He attempts a proper catch-up.

He can hear the results right away, because Vic sounds thrilled. “He’s good. We both are. I’m the head chef at the restaurant.”

“Congratulations,” Robert grins, genuinely proud of his sister. The last time he’d been there, ‘Hotten Spicy’ had just opened up and she’d been working as a sous chef. “I’ll have to come up and try it.”

“I’d love that.” She sounds like she would, and he couldn’t be more grateful. “But enough about me! I should be congratulating you. What you did was incredible.”

Robert frowns, unsure what she’s talking about and with no clue what she might be referring to.

“What do you mean?” He finally asks, searching for clarification. Had Aaron told her about the previous night and how he’d gone up to Hotten and not seen her?

“You coming out,” Vic replies, sounding like it should be obvious. “It’s all over the Internet.”

When he doesn’t respond, she goes on to add, “The interview with NME, where you told everyone you’re bisexual?”

“Oh…” Robert says, relieved at that news. He’d done this interview weeks ago, but it had slipped his mind, what with his being consumed by thoughts of Aaron. (He makes a note to text his manager, Jai, seeing as he hadn’t known this rollout was coming on Christmas.)

“Yeah, well, it felt like the right time,” he adds. “I got tired of keeping it secret.”

“Well, I’m proud of you,” Vic says, and she sounds like she is. “And I know Aaron is too.”

“Why?” Robert asks, now on high alert and trying not to get too excited. “Did he say something?”

“No,” Vic replies, sounding a bit sorry. “But he only ever wanted you to be yourself. He really did love you.”

“Yeah, he did,” Robert agrees. Though that’s less for her than himself.

A long beat passes where they say nothing again, and at the end of it Robert blurts out, “Sorry.”

But as much as he says it, it won’t be enough. Aaron was right on that front. Robert was an idiot for so so long. It’ll take another five years to make up for it.

“I should have kept in touch more, Vic,” he goes on to say, intent on making a proper apology. “I should have been there for ya when dad passed. But I guess it was easier to stay away then.”

“I know. But it’s not your fault,” Vic says, gentle and warm and reassuring. “But it’s not your fault. You were just 22. We all make dumb mistakes at that age.”

“You didn’t,” Robert points out. And he’s right, because she’d kept her head on. As soon as she’d completed her GCSE’s, she’d gone after her dream and started apprenticing in a restaurant.

“Of course I did,” Vic argues back. “I just went ahead and married him.”

Robert chuckles, not expecting the joke. He’d forgotten how funny she could be.

She must be reading his mind, because when the laughter fades she says, “It’s not too late. You can still come over. There’s plenty of food for everyone.”

Robert bites his lip, turning it over in his head, and he finds himself quite liking the sound of it. Maybe home didn’t have to be a fixed place in time. Maybe it could be where you choose to make it.

“You know what? Maybe I will,” he tells her, starting to smile. “Been a while since I’ve had your cooking.”

When Vic doesn’t reply, he thinks he may have killed her with shock, but then she bounces back with ten times her enthusiasm.

“Hold on! Let me send you our address! Bring wine if you have some!”

:::::

He knows he should get back and mingle with the rest of the guests, but right now Robert really can’t help himself. He’s walking around Vic’s home, giving himself an impromptu tour, on the pretence of having to go to the bathroom.

Exploring the space, he can see much of Vic here, but also both his parents. There’s his father’s love of hardwood and clean classic shapes, and his mother’s flair for decor and textures. Vic’s accents come through in the colours she’s chosen, Robert highly doubting Adam has anything to do with this. Aside from the occasional eye-hurting object or display, his taste has been kept to a minimum.

It’s as he’s wandering around the downstairs floor he finds the piano, hidden in the corner of a family room. Robert’s not sure why it’s not sitting in the living room out front until he pulls off the sheet and sees that it’s the one he’d grown up with.

He almost calls Vic, but then he stops himself. He wants just a moment alone with it.

So he pulls out the stool and carefully takes a seat, the piece of furniture much smaller than he remembers it. (Then again, that had been 20 years ago, when he wasn’t as big as he is now.)

He lifts up the cover — made of a lovely rosewood — and runs his fingers across the ivories. He stops on the lowest note and gives it a tap. The sound that comes out is pitch-perfect.

So he tries another.

And then one yet again.

Each key is perfectly in tune now.

Before he knows it, his fingers have found their places, itching to launch into the song that started off this journey. Only now he no longer needs sheet music or to watch his hands as he plays. Now it’s all a matter of memory and showmanship.

You must remember this… A kiss is but a kiss…

Despite his resolve, he quickly gives in, unable to resist the temptation. He may not have his mother or Aaron in his life. But he has this song and his ability to play it.

It’s as he’s in the middle, playing and singing along, that he feels the return of a familiar spotlight. It’s there gently burning a circle on his back, sinking through his jumper and into the skin below it. But just like the night before, he doesn’t even pause, barely even bats an eyelid. It’s one of the virtues of playing this song. It’s truly hard to really pull him out of it.

When he does finish, it doesn’t go away. Just stays there, steady and burning.

Robert waits, and doesn’t say a word. Not sure what he has left in him to say, anyway.

But then a minute goes by, but Aaron’s still there. So Robert does what he’s always done in this situation. He slides to the left, making room on the seat next to him. He then quietly asks, “Any requests?”

He nearly jumps, when Aaron responds, “Surprise me.”

He knows Aaron’s waiting to see what he’ll do, but he’s been preparing for this moment for a long time. It’s taken him five years, but he finally has that request. He finally has something that might actually surprise him.

It’s a simpler arrangement, the melody too. As simple and stripped back as he can make it. He’d always planned for his voice to carry this song, even if he may not be the world’s best vocalist.

If I didn’t care, more than words can say…

Robert closes his eyes as he does his best not to look over at Aaron. But even though they’re sitting pressed up against each other — thigh touching thigh — he can’t feel or sense a reaction.

If I didn’t care, would I feel this way?

He tries to throw himself in the song like he has for days now, gently walking into it like a pool of water. But Aaron’s presence makes it all but impossible; the warmth of him a constant reminder.

If this isn’t love, then why do I thrill?

There’s a brief second, that he thinks he imagined, where he could have sworn he heard Aaron singing along with him. But that might have been his own nerves or his growing desperation, wanting to see Aaron’s reaction.

And what makes my heart go round and round while my heart stands still?

He tries counting to three in his mind and closing his eyes tighter, but all that does is conjure Aaron.

If I didn’t care, would it be the same?

He finally gives up and opens his eyes midway through, unable to bear not seeing Aaron’s face now.

Would my every prayer begin and end, with just your name?

When turns to his right, he finds Aaron looking right back, eyes as wet as his own feel.

And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare?

There’s no hardness in them like there had been last night, just something that looks like… forgiveness?

Would all this be true if I didn’t care for you?

Robert starts to smile, despite himself, hope blossoming in his heart for the first time in a long while. He’d been scared Aaron might never hear the song, let alone give him a chance to play it — only now he has the best of both worlds.

But before he can even bring himself to sing the next line, it’s Aaron who’s leaping forward and kissing him. Robert doesn’t wait, kissing him back, trying to pour all his love into that. He wants Aaron to know how sorry he is, and how he never intends to repeat the mistakes of his past. How he intends to keep them together.

Aaron seems to hear him, because he starts to slow down, the kiss going from fast and furious to slow and steady. It feels like maybe they have all the time in the world. All the time for Robert to make up for it.

“What changed?” He asks right away, the moment he’s able to think again.

“Don’t know,” Aaron admits, his cheeks a nice pink. He’s still wearing that old aftershave.

He’d have denied it if he’d been caught out, but Aaron was really excited about this date that he’d planned for Robert. It was exciting to have a surprise for his husband and plan the night that he thought—hoped—Robert would love. It would be just the two of them, away from the village and work and responsibilities.

***

The morning of their night away, Aaron told Robert to pack a bag because he was whisking him away for a romantic weekend away. Robert claimed Aaron chucked a bag at him and said, “Throw some clothes and stuff in there. We’re going away.”

It started a bit of a bickering fight back and forth between them. Robert wanted to know what was going on because he didn’t know what to pack. Aaron hadn’t wanted to tell him anything and spoil the surprise. He finally caved and said he was taking Robert out for dinner.

Robert had gotten that soft look in his eyes and leaned close to Aaron, his hand resting on the curve of Aaron’s neck.

“You planned a date night for us?” Robert asked quietly.

“Not that hard, is it? Besides, you said all you wanted for Christmas was spending time together. I reckon this is that, innit?” Aaron said.

Robert had grinned and kissed him before following Aaron out of the Mill and into their car. He’d reached over and rested his palm on Aaron’s thigh the entire drive in that domestic way of his that Aaron loved but would never tell anyone but Robert.

Robert’s face when they pulled up to the restaurant was exactly what Aaron wanted to see. It was soft and full of love and it made Aaron have to look away.

“You’re willingly going in there for dinner?” Robert asked as Aaron parked the car.

“You’re always banging on about it, aren’t ya?” Aaron said. “Let’s go see what all the fuss is about.”

Aaron got out of the car and walked toward the entrance as Robert argued that the “fuss” was about the delicious food and how the deserts were heavenly.

Unfortunately, the head chef was out sick so the menu had been cut in half. Aaron let Robert pick out a wine for them and just stared down at the glass in front of him.

“What’s with that look?” Robert asked after the waiter walked away.

“I just can’t believe this happened tonight,” Aaron said.

“What? The chef being sick?” Robert laughed a little. “It’s not like he did on purpose, Aaron.”

“I know!” Aaron argued.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I just. I wanted this to be perfect, didn’t I?” Aaron admitted quietly.

Robert reached for his hand. “Aaron. It doesn’t have to go perfect to be a perfect night. We’re together and that’s what makes it perfect.”

Aaron felt his face flush and pulled his hand out from under Robert’s. “Shut up.”

Robert just laughed again as he leaned back in his seat.

They ended up eating some sort of fancy spaghetti thing. It was fine, but Aaron knew how badly Robert would have liked the seafood ravioli.

But Robert just kept smiling at him, reaching for his hand, or nudging Aaron’s foot under the table so it still felt like a bit of  a win.

Aaron even let Robert feed him a bite of his tiramisu for dessert. He didn’t even fight on it, much.

They left the restaurant and Aaron pressed Robert against the car, kissing him and gripping his jacket.

“You didn’t have to do all this for me.” Robert pressed his palm against Aaron’s cheek.  

“I wanted to.” Aaron looked down at where his hands were still gripping at Robert’s jacket. “I wanted to do something nice for ya.”

“At the risk of sounding ungrateful, are there any other presents you have for me?” Robert smirked at him and Aaron would be lying if he claimed it still didn’t affect him.

The place was alright and the straight girls hadn’t discovered it yet so it wasn’t packed with hen parties looking for their new gay best friend.

And if nothing else maybe he could convince some guy to buy him a beer.

So that’s where he was now, sat in a corner at the bar nursing a beer and people watching. Or well, mostly watching this one blond guy going absolutely nuts on the dancefloor.

“So what’s your story?” the barman asked, snapping Aaron out of his thoughts.

“You what?”

“It’s Christmas eve.”

“Yes. I am aware.”

“So what are you doing here instead of spending it with family or friends?”

“What’s it to you?”

“I’m just making conversation mate, relax.”

“I’m just trying to enjoy my beer in peace.” Aaron replied, hopefully making it clear he wasn’t in the mood for small talk.

The barman muttered something under his breath and walked away to the other end of the bar, which suited Aaron just fine.

The blond guy he’d been watching had arrived about 10 minutes after him, thrown his jacket over a chair and ordered a beer, and let loose on the dance floor.

Aaron was in no means an expert but even he could see the guy was a bit of a disaster when it came to dancing. Though he didn’t seem to care in the slightest, which made him even more interesting to watch.

He was also quite fit if Aaron was honest.

The guy apparently decided he needed a break because he honest to god danced over to the bar, right to where Aaron was sitting.

He gave him a quick smile and tried (and failed) to get the barman’s attention.

“What do I have to do around here to get a drink?” he said, more to himself than to Aaron but Aaron replied nonetheless.

“Yeah the service isn’t great here, is it?”

The guy looked at him.

“You’re right. We should just get it ourselves. He’s obviously busy.” He said and nodded to the barman talking to someone at the other end of the bar.

“Get it ourselves? How were you planning on doing that? Climbing over the bar?” Aaron asked amused.

“I was just going to go round… but climbing over is probably quicker.” The guy replied. “How thirsty are you?”

Aaron laughed.

“Don’t climb over, I’m pretty sure they’ll kick you out.”

“And that would be bad because?” the guy asked

“Well who else would there be to cause mayhem on the dancefloor?”

“You’ve been watching then, have you?”

“It’s hard not to. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen someone dance at badly as you.” Aaron grinned, taking a sip of his drink, not breaking eye contact with the guy who just laughed.

“Ok, one, I don’t see you impressing the Strictly judges with your moves.” He started, “And two, I’m actually a really good dancer.”

“If that’s what helps you sleep at night.”

The guy wanted to reply but suddenly their flirting was interrupted by a guy Aaron had seen hang around the blond guy.

“Hey, what’s taking you so long? I thought you were only getting a drink? I’m getting lonely out there.”

Aaron took another sip from his drink to hide the eyeroll he was giving the bloke.

“Barman is busy.” The blond guy replied without missing a beat. “So I was just talking to Colin here for a minute. He just broke up with his boyfriend and he’s drowning his sorrows.”

“Oh that sucks mate. Right before Christmas and all.”

Aaron shrugged.

“It is what it is.”

“Yeah I was just inviting him to come dance instead of drinking to forget his ex.” The blond guy said and gave Aaron an expectant look.

“I don’t dance.”

“Pity.”

“Well then I guess I have you all to myself tonight.” The second guy said and draped his arms around the blond guy’s neck.

“Right. Yeah. Uh you just go ahead, I’m still trying to get myself a drink. And keep Colin company for a couple more minutes.”

The second guy looked back and forth between the two of them for a minute until apparently coming to the conclusion Aaron was no threat and left them to it with a flirty “Don’t be long”.

“You probably shouldn’t keep your boyfriend waiting.” Aaron said as soon as the second guy was out of earshot.

“Who? Him? He’s not my boyfriend. I just met him. I don’t even remember his name… it’s… Ray or Roy or Roger or something.” The guy said with a shrug. “And besides, there are more interesting people here tonight.”

“Oh yeah, the DJ with the hot pink hair and the barman who won’t serve his customers.” Aaron said, pretending he didn’t know what the blond guy was getting at.

“You’re very observant tonight, Colin.”

“It’s Aaron actually.” Aaron told him. “I did just break up with my boyfriend though… but I’m not drowning my sorrows.”

“Let me guess… you dumped him because he slept with your sister? Or brother? Best friend? Cousin?”

Aaron laughed.

“My sister is only 17, so no. He was just… boring. And now I’m looking for someone that isn’t boring.”

“Yeah? How’s that working out for you?”

“Not so bad, Philip.”

The guy laughed. Full on throwing his head back and laughing.

“Do I look like a Philip to you?”

“I don’t know.” Aaron said, feeling his cheeks heat up as he took another drink. “It was the first name that came to mind.”

“My name is Robert. But you can call me Philip if that does it for you.”

“Not really. Robert is fine.”

“Yeah? Is it just my name you like?”

“Are you actually fishing for compliments?”

“Might be.” Robert said moving closer to Aaron. “Or maybe I’m just trying to figure out if the fit bloke at the bar is interested in anything more than beer and complaining about clueless bar staff.”

Aaron put his drink on the bar and turned to face Robert. He was close enough to see the faint dusting of freckles on his face and took a minute to imagine what he’d look like with a tan in the summer. He put his hand on Robert’s chest and grabbed a fist full of his shirt to pull him closer.

“Come here.” He said and kissed Robert.

Maybe it was the beer, maybe it was the thrill of flirting with a stranger, maybe it was the relief of being free to kiss a bloke in a bar, just because he wanted to, but, Aaron decided, Robert was easily the best kisser he’d ever met.

“Want to get out of here?”

“Gladly.”

“Your place or mine?”

“Yours. I’m living in my sister’s box room at the moment.”

Aaron dug a tenner out of his pocket and threw it on the bar while Robert grabbed his jacket.

“Hey, where are you going?” The guy from before asked Robert.

“Yeah sorry… Roger? I got a better offer.” Robert told him.

“Who is Roger? My name is Paul!”

Robert waved his comment away as he made his way back to Aaron at the bar.

“Ready?”

“Lead the way.”

They piled into a taxi together and spent the entire drive to Aaron’s flat snogging in the backseat.

The driver cleared his throat to get their attention when they’d reached their destination.

“Here you are lads. That’s 18,50 please.”

They paid the driver and Aaron all but dragged Robert out the taxi to his front door. He dug around his pockets for his key and tried to open the door, which was no easy feat considering the fact that he didn’t want to stop kissing Robert.

Somewhere in the distance a church bell chimed twelve times just as Aaron finally managed to put the key in the lock.

“It’s midnight.” Robert noted. “Merry Christmas.”

“Yes, yes it is.” Aaron said as he pulled Robert inside the flat and into his bedroom.

“What? No drink first?” Robert grinned as he let himself fall backwards on Aaron’s bed.

Aaron took off his jacket and threw it in a corner before climbing onto the bed himself and straddling Robert’s waist.

“Do you really want a drink right now?” Aaron said popping open the buttons on Robert’s shirt.

“Not really no.” Robert replied and put one hand on Aaron’s neck to drag him down for a kiss, while the other tried to undo his belt.

“Thought so.” Aaron smirked.

The sexual tension was almost too much and Aaron swore he’d never felt more alive than with Robert’s hands all over him.

Unfortunately things were over way too quickly for Aaron’s liking and he expected Robert to put his clothes back on and leave, only the other man made no move to do so. Instead he pulled Aaron close under the covers and started kissing him again. Slow and sensual this time instead of the rushed and almost desperate kisses from before.

“I’m going to take my time with you.” He promised. “Give you the best Christmas present you’ve ever had.”

Aaron smiled and decided to let Robert have him in every and any way he wanted.

The next morning he woke up with an arm draped around his waist and a warm body next to him. he turned around and looked right into Robert’s somewhat sleepy blue green eyes.

“Morning.”

“Morning. You alright?”

Robert nodded.

“Yeah, you? Are you kicking me out now?”

“Nah, not just yet. I kind of like having you around.”

“Yeah? Good.”

“Do you want some breakfast?” Aaron asked. “You never got that drink last night.”

Robert laughed softly.

“Breakfast would be nice.” He agreed. “But first I just want to know one thing…”

“What am I doing the rest of the day?”

Robert didn’t quite look okay yet. Aaron could still see the fear, and the guilt, but it was receding now. They’d keep living, go on as they always did, and with time he’d know. Aaron would make sure he knew. Because Aaron wasn’t lying, didn’t doubt for a second this was what he wanted. Robert loved him, and Robert was proud to be with him—loved showing him off in fact. Not wanting to go back to the place where he’d been rejected, hurt by his father in the worst way—not wanting to risk that kind of hate again from the rest of his family, of course Aaron understood. And like hell was Aaron going to leave Robert here for the damn village. His mum could come to him, and Adam would be thrilled to visit Paris once he got out. Once Robert really knew he wasn’t going to up and leave, Aaron could visit the village too, for a week here and there. It would be a good life, and Aaron had a great life already. A nice flat with the man he loved, a decent job with decent enough people, that’s all Aaron needed, really. Life was good.

______________________________

Aaron was worried. He’d gone back to the village over a month ago, met with a judge signed off on the paperwork that would give him his freedom. After three years, Aaron was no longer a wanted man. He’d only stayed in England for a few days, begging off his mother’s insistence for a longer visit with the excuse of work and making her (and him, though he’d never say it) happy by booking her a flight to Paris for the next week. He’d come back to Paris with a grin on his face and a deep, heady kiss for Robert, and had seen the worry lift from his boyfriend’s shoulders. Aaron had met his mum at a cafe a week later and indulged her with photos at all the landmarks, so she’d forgive him for not taking her to their home. She did know he had a boyfriend, one that wasn’t ready to meet her yet, and though that made her about ten times more curious (and a million times more nosy), she finally let it go after about a hundred ‘no’s—at least until next time.

Everything had seemed so perfect, and as he’d hoped, Robert’s worry had seemed to lift with every day they spent together. Each morning they woke up in each others’ arms, the rhythm and routine contentedness of their life together was proof that Aaron was happy just the way they were. Everything had seemed like it was going to work out, but suddenly Robert seemed so far away. The last few days he’d been lost in thought, quiet and often times staring at nothing, or worse staring at Aaron, and Aaron had no idea what it meant. But it couldn’t be good, could it? How else was Aaron supposed to prove that he wasn’t going anywhere? The worry knotted in Aaron’s stomach, clenching tighter and tighter every day. Aaron liked to give Robert space when he was like this, because if you didn’t give him a little room to think he was liable to run off in the middle of a confrontation, but it drove Aaron crazy and he was about ready to burst until—

“Hey, Aaron?” Finally. Robert was sat on their sofa, laptop shut in front of him, rubbing his hands. Aaron left the washing up, dried his hands and came to sit next to him, not too close and not too far away on the seat, trying not to crowd Robert, but not be too distant either. God, he hated times like this, but hopefully this weird mood was about to end. And whatever it was, they could deal with it. They always do.

Robert’s eyes softened when Aaron sat down—he’d been trying not to make it obvious how carefully he was positioning himself, but Robert knew. He always knew, when he was there—really there, not the ghost Robert had been for too many days. And clearly (thank god) Robert was back. He scooted closer to Aaron, who, with relief rushing in his veins, leaned in as well and let Robert wrap an arm around his shoulders.

“I know I’ve been spacing lately, and I’m sorry. I’ve just,” Robert took a deep breath, “I’ve just been thinking—and no, I know what you’re thinking, it isn’t bad. I really don’t think it is.” He was looking into the distance again for a moment, but he brought himself back with a little smile, one Aaron returned readily. Here we go.

“I…Andy’s wedding is next month.”

“Oh!” That wasn’t what Aaron was expecting at all. “And that’s…is that…?”

“No, no that’s not what I’m all,” Robert gestured vaguely at his head, “about really. I mean it’s not great, Andy and Katie getting their perfect fairytale wedding and all,” and the venom that always came through when Robert mentioned Andy was there, but surprisingly not too sharp. “It’s more just—if there’s a better time, I really don’t know what it is.” He was shifting his hands now, gaze jumping from Aaron’s face and away and back again, or Aaron wouldn’t have even realized what Robert meant.

“Do you mean that?” this could be good, this could be really, really good, but Aaron had to be sure. “Don’t just say that because you think I’m about to change my mind or whatever—”

“I don’t!” Robert jumped up, pacing back and forth a little but it wasn’t his nervous pacing, not his lying nervous pacing anyway. “I—look, I’ve just been thinking, yeah? Because if we came back—even to visit or whatever, and it went badly? Not going back, it would feel like failing, letting him win or whatever—”

“It wouldn’t be!”

“And I know that! I know it but, feeling it is different, you know? Especially when it comes to me and Andy. And Vic, she’d be crushed if she thought I was going to start visiting and then I didn’t come back. But a wedding, that’s a special occasion. If you come to a wedding, a family wedding no less, that doesn’t really mean anything, or it doesn’t have to.”

At this point, there was no point in interrupting. Robert had thought this through, all the way through, and now he was going to lay it all on the table.

“So if we go, and it’s awful, we just leave. If Andy and Katie decide I’m coming back with you for the attention or whatever stupid thing they’re gonna say, or that I’m trying to get Katie back, then who looks like the asshole? Probably still not Andy, to Diane at least, but it sure as hell won’t be us. And if it is, well, then we know what kind of family I’ve got then, don’t we?” Aaron’s heart sank as he heard how little faith Robert had in his family not to see the worst in him, even as it sang with how Robert was thinking of all this in terms of ‘we.’ No matter what else happened, him and Robert, they were solid.

“And well, you actually can go home now, and you miss the village, don’t even pretend you don’t, and whether or not I like it I really do miss Vic.” Robert had a little smile on his face just mentioning her, and it always warmed Aaron’s heart how much Robert loved his little sister. Robert had stopped pacing around by now, just standing in front of the couch, and Aaron reached out to tug him gently back onto the sofa again.

“So, worst-case scenario: it goes horribly and then we know what they think. And I see Vic and get to make a scene and we get out of there.” And Aaron was smiling now. God, that little village really wasn’t ready for Robert Sugden, even if it had been the place that made him. “And alright, it’d be just a little fun to shake up that wedding, yeah?” Robert’s trademark smug face was on full force now. Just a little, my ass, Aaron thought, but yeah, he couldn’t deny that upstaging Andy and Katie’s wedding was a pretty big turn-on. Walking in that tiny village hall with the man he loved on his arm, that would feel really, really, really good.

“You know what we can do tomorrow?” Aaron whispers, hands delicate over Robert’s chest. “See if those farming abilities of yours have worked.”

Robert smirks, thinks of the fact that Aaron made him dig up a patch outside the patio of this dingy flat they’ve got. He laughs, thinks about Aaron seemed to think him getting all frustrated over the mud over his jeans was somehow a turn on. He kisses Aaron’s head lightly and then sighs. “It won’t have worked yet.”

Aaron frowns, the lines hard on his forehead as he turns his neck and looks up at Robert. “Not even the spuds?” He asks and Robert kisses him again.

“No. Maybe next year.”

Aaron huffs out something gentle and moves closer into Robert’s neck. There’s this light inside of him as he thinks and then finds his hand in Robert’s. “Next year.”

“We’ll be out of this place. I promise.” Robert kisses Aaron’s head again like it’s his responsibility to make Aaron’s Christmas this bonanza. “We’ll be in that chateau.”

Aaron laughs almost breathlessly. “Will we?”

“Yeah.” Robert nods. “Have a proper tree n’all.” They’ve got this plastic little one that plays this Christmas tune over and over again when you twist it. There’s mistletoe hanging off their bedroom door but that’s about it. “And we’ll still …”

Aaron looks at Robert, pushes himself up and nods. “This where you say I’ll still be here like it’s a question.” He frowns. “Because it ain’t one. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Couldn’t if you wanted to.” Robert smirks, he’s got this hair all soft and pressed against his forehead. He looks like a right kid and Aaron strokes his face slowly to get him back.

“I wouldn’t ever want to.”

Robert’s not an idiot. He’s been draping tinsel around his neck and thinking about how in a few years time this is all going to get harder.

“Not ever?”

Aaron gulps, he practically sits on Robert’s lap and raises his chin to squeeze and smile at him. “Remember when we got married?”

“Which one?”

Aaron’s sure he’s the luckiest man on earth to be able to laugh at that. He does, dips his head before sighing. “I’m not ever leaving ya.” He gulps. “This life … me and you and Paris, it’s what I want forever.”

Robert just stares up at him, eyes green and wet. He breathes in deeply and then out again.

“I don’t deserve you.” Robert soaks Aaron in and has delicate hands skirting close.

“I decide that.” Aaron whispers before leaning down and kissing Robert gently. “And you’ll decide where the chateau is.”

“Will I?” Robert’s closed his eyes and pictured it for a while now. It’s like this soft soothing ideal that he wishes they’ll get to one day. “Why’s that?”

“Did a good job on our first home didn’t ya?” Aaron mumbles, turns himself down to lay next to his husband again and holds his hand. The fire is still crackling and the sky is heavy and dark outside now. They lay thinking in silence until Aaron’s phone vibrates and he sees its Liv. “She sent us …”

There’s this picture on the screen and it’s instantly blurry when Robert gets the chance to look. He’s crying almost on cue and it’s nearly as embarrassing as Aaron’s already snotty nose.

Liv’s somehow managed to get a picture with Seb in this little Santa hat. He’s showing his teeth as his grins and they’re both clearly surrounded by presents.

“Says, that they’re missing us so much but they’re going to have a good day tomorrow and so are we.”

“Ordering us is she?” Robert strokes a hand through Aaron’s hair and then wipes at his face when Aaron just sits and stares. Then he’s stroking the picture and almost existing in his own little world for a second.

“She’s right.” Aaron says, he looks at Robert with this certainty in his eyes. “We’re going to have a good day and so are they.” He smiles weakly and then leans in towards Robert again.

“I love you Mr Sugden.”

It comes out of him with this force and Aaron must realise because he closes his eyes and smiles a little, almost savours how much he knows Robert means it.

“Sugden-Dingle actually.”

Robert smiles, leans in for a kiss and thinks of tangled Christmas lights and Aaron refusing to move because he’s had too much turkey tomorrow. He thinks of them and this quietness they won’t be used to.

Then Aaron’s hand is in his again and he’s grounded.

“Merry Christmas.” Aaron whispers against his ear an hour later, the clock ticking past midnight now. Robert smiles to himself, places a hand over Aaron’s chest and nods.

“It’s going to be, yeah.” He says before kissing his husband’s chest and staring out the window.

It’s almost snowing, it makes him smile before he closes his eyes again. *

2. A one hour Christmas

The journey feels like years. There’s this ache in his chest that won’t go away as he holds firm on the letter deep in his coat pocket and keeps flicking down to look at it just so he knows this is actually real.

There’s been this letter telling him that Robert’s requested to see him and he’s been beside himself with this feeling ever since.

It’s here again now as the guards start to pile people in and Aaron’s faced with Robert for the first time in nearly a month. They’ve been doing this. Once a month visiting because the travelling takes it’s toll. Last time Aaron yawned and Robert was a wreck telling him they can’t do this anymore, that he’s being selfish and cruel and it’s taken so long to get back to this moment.

They’ve tried to do up the visiting room. There’s a stupid Christmas tree in the corner and it’s not got any tinsel on or anything. He thinks of it being a potential weapon, it’s the first thing that comes out of his mouth when Robert claps eyes on him.

He looks a little battered and bruised but that’s not showing on the outside. He’s got his hair still flat against his forehead and this gentleness to him that Aaron wasn’t expecting. He was worried he’d harden, he was petrified of it.

“What?” Robert whispers. They’re both still standing, looking at each other like there’s nothing else they can do.

“They’d probably try strangle each other with the … the tinsel.” Aaron almost smiles and then he breathes in and watches the guard wave a hand down towards them. He sits slowly and then leans towards Robert. “I thought you wouldn’t let me see you after last time.”

Aaron watches a family in the corner of the room. The woman’s got a toddler on her knee and a paper hat on her head. She’s bought the bloke a box of chocolates and it sits there on the table in front of them.

“It’s Christmas.” Robert’s voice is there and Aaron latches on to it. He gives him this small smile. “Well not really but … I wouldn’t let you spend it here alone.” He won’t because that means Aaron would have an hour instead of half an hour with him on the day and then he’d be forced to spend hours driving home.

“I would if you’d let me.” Aaron’d do about anything for Robert if he’d let him. He smiles slowly and then Robert looks away.

“That’s why this is so hard.” Robert bites his lip, his shoulders tense and Aaron finds this strength to lean right over.

“Look at me.”

Robert doesn’t. It’s like he can’t even bring himself to see how much Aaron absolutely adores his stupid self.

“Rob, look at me.” Eventually he does. “Seeing you today is enough. More than … you know how much I wanted to see you for Christmas?”

Robert’s chin wobbles.

“Haven’t thought of anything else.” It’s been on his mind, Robert’s been on his mind and there’s absolutely nothing new there. “What naff jumper to get ya.”

Robert gulps down something hard and sad. “Can’t do that now.”

Aaron wipes his face and he didn’t know he’d been crying. “No but we can think of what they’d say. Look like.” He bounces his knee and thinks. “Yours would say … uh … pull my cracker?”

Robert’s face almost lights up and it’s the best thing he’s ever seen. His heart actually constricts and he doesn’t know what to do with himself until Robert is gazing at him.

“Or … um … jingle my baubles.”

Robert drops his head and laughs. It comes out stifled and sad like he’s not used to it and for a second they’re in their own world. It’s like no one else is around them at all.

“Clever.”

“That’s why you married me.” Aaron says, he puffs his chest out and then leans a hand out over Robert’s arm before hesitating. “Sorry. Shit. I’m …”

“Put it back.”

Aaron frowns, looks around them and then back into Robert’s eyes. “I’m not causing you trouble.”

“You won’t be.” Robert says, because he’s determined with everything in him not to let anything ruin this moment right here. It’s Christmas Eve and Aaron’s making him laugh and for a second he can forget about having to say goodbye to him.

Slowly Aaron puts his hand back of the length of Robert’s arm, squeezes and then he’s crying again. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Robert says, he gulps, twists his lip to stop him from mirroring Aaron. “How’s our boy then?”

Aaron deflates slightly. “Missing you. Took him to see Santa. There’s a picture on my phone. I’ll … I’ll add it to the scrapbook for you yeah?”

Robert nods tightly. “And Liv? Vic?”

“Coping.” Aaron runs his hand over Robert’s arm again and again. “You?” It’s like they’ve worked backwards to get to the question and Robert tenses up a little again before sighing.

“I get by.”

“On your charm?”

Robert rolls his eyes.

“Oh it’s the good looks then?” Aaron’s got this strength within him whenever Robert is close by. It’s like he’s able to just pull through, push past everything in front of him.

Robert’s eyes flicker. “How can you be …”

“It’s Christmas.”

“Eve.”

Aaron frowns. “Still Christmas ain’t it?” He gazes up at Robert and then looks towards the small desk at the front of the room. They’re handing out mince pies and it makes him raise an eyebrow. “Do you want one?”

Robert breathes out and nods timidly. Aaron stands and goes to get one before Robert holds his arm and feels this light rush through him.

“I love you.” Robert whispers. He says it in this way that scares Aaron and it’s like he knows because he shakes his head. “I just want you to know.”

Aaron nods. “I’m not forgetting any time soon.” He says, and then he pulls out this necklace and Robert recognises his ring almost immediately. “Am I?”

Robert shakes his head for the smallest of seconds and then Aaron’s squeezing his shoulder as he walks towards the table and takes two. Robert feels this tightness in his chest and he’s so overwhelmed with this feeling of love for him.

He walks back towards him, probably still broken and splintered inside, but smiling. He’s even put a paper hat on his head and everything.

Robert smiles back without anything stopping him.

*

3. A Christmas delivery

The ward has a Santa going around handing chocolates out to all the mums and dads and they both don’t even register him as he walks up and down.

Robert’s just staring down at this tiny bundle of joy Aaron’s got in his arms. He’s holding their baby for the first time and it’s so clear that he’s mesmerised by her already.

“Think she’s too young for all that.” Robert whispers, voice low in Aaron’s ear as Santa waves at them.

Aaron gazes up. “Hmm?” Robert looks at the man walking out of the ward again and a few kids chasing after him. “Oh.” He smiles and then their daughter’s little arm waves up out of the soft blanket she’s draped in.

Rosie’s on the bed, half asleep and exhausted. She offers Aaron the smallest smile when he tells her she’s amazing.

“Now you get to be.” Robert tears up at it, feels this heaviness drop inside him as he squeezes her hand and thinks of how mad she was for even listening to them in the first place. They’d bustled into her life after Natalie fell through and now they’ve ended up with a little girl and a friend out of it all.

Aaron rocks her back and forth for a second more before she makes this sound and he smiles, kisses her head. “Thinks she wants daddy Robert’s cuddles.”

Robert pulls this face and he’s petrified of dropping her as Aaron passes her over with this ease. He’s got tears in his eyes and he smiles with this soft giddiness about him.

“Pretty cool Christmas present hey.” Aaron comes closer, tilts his head into Robert’s shoulder as he stands behind him on his tiptoes and stares down at their baby.

“Pretty unexpected one yeah.”

They’d been reading Seb a bedtime story, Aaron making these faces and trying to sound like an elephant whilst Robert tried roaring like a lion for him.

“Christmas Eve.” Robert shakes his head. “She picks her timing don’t she?” He curls a finger over her cheek and her eyes open. She’s got these blue eyes that make him almost stagger back. “God, she’s beautiful.” He whispers, feels Aaron kiss his shoulder and smile.

Later, Seb runs in with his dinosaur printed pyjamas still on and his hair a mess. Liv’s bought him in and he can’t help but stare at the baby like it’s magical.

“Is that our one?” Seb sucks his thumb, then takes it out to speak before looking up at his dads.

Robert’s still holding her, he leans over and nods at his son. “Yep. Look.” Seb does, cautious and almost afraid. “She’s your little sister. So that means …”

“You’re her big brother.” Aaron sits on the chair and then feels Liv squeeze his arms.

Seb still looks all unsure and they’ve been through this so many times. Robert’s worried until Seb frowns. “But she hasn’t got a name. I can’t just call her little sister.”

Aaron snorts. “You’re right buddy.” He picks up, holds him on his hap and taps his nose. “Daddy, should we let them know.”

“Duh.” Liv unfolds her arms and peaks over to smile at the baby.

“Annie.” Aaron says, eyes all soft as he stares at Robert and then down at her. “Annie Grace Sugden-Dingle.”

“Not a mouthful then.”

“Shut your face.”

Seb practically hauls himself down to try and get her from Robert’s arms. “Hello Annie!” He shouts, like if he does she’ll hear him.

Aaron runs a hand through his hair, kisses him as he pulls him away. “She’s too tiny to say anything back.” Seb pulls a face. “But you can still talk to her. All the time.”

“Is she coming home?”

Robert frowns. “Of course mate.” He thinks of the state of the nursery. They’d put up Christmas lights on a temporary basis and they’ll have to do now. It’s probably fitting or something.

“So she’ll get presents from Santa?” Seb’s gasp makes Robert stop staring down at Annie. “But Santa … does he have her on his list yet?”

The genuine concern makes Aaron’s heart melt and he starts smothering Seb with kisses until he giggles.

“Da — daddy. Tell me. It’s important.” Seb wrangles out of Aaron’s grip and then looks at Liv like he needs help.

“Of course Santa knows. He knows everything.” Liv throws a wink at her brother.

“Is he at our house now?” Seb asks, eyes wide and heavy and Aaron realises he has to bring up that track Santa app he’s got on his phone for just this moment. He’s in Croatia apparently. It settles Seb for now.

Eventually they get back, it’s officially Christmas Day by the time Seb is asleep on Liv’s shoulder and their tiny little girl is asleep in her car seat. Chas has dropped over this heap of my first Christmas stuff she’d bought them just in case and they’re so grateful Robert nearly cries.

Then Chas really did cry when they told her Annie’s full name. It was a lot. Now, they’re alone again because Liv’s crashed out on Seb’s bedroom floor talking to him about where Santa could be.

They just watch her for ages. They stare down and watch her breath, make those breathy little noises that make them both petrified and happy at the exact same time.

“Best Christmas ever I think.” Robert holds at Aaron’s hand and sees how scared his husband looks at the sight of all of what’s to come. “We’re going to have the most bonkers Christmas you know. Your lot. My lot. Our lot.” Aaron looks at him. “But it’ll be …”

“Perfect.” Aaron’s still watching Annie. The lights from the Christmas tree twinkling and light up her face into colours of red and green. He tilts his head up and kisses Robert, lazy, soft, gentle. “We did it.” He says, tears in his eyes that fall when Robert kisses him again.

“We did it.” Robert’s voice is thick with this emotion he doesn’t ever want to let go of. “And that’s Christmas is going to be perfect.” He holds Aaron by the waist until they’re both falling asleep on their first and Annie demands some attention again with a wail.

“Merry Christmas.” Robert says, shaking a bottle for Annie by the sink at half three and Aaron taking a turkey out to defrost. He expects Aaron to tell him to piss off, roll his eyes but instead he holds Annie over his shoulder, draped in her yellow blanket, and he nods. He proper nods, then shows teeth as he smiles.

2

When Aaron was a kid, he’d make his mum breakfast in bed for her birthday and other holidays. His favorite thing about making the breakfast (which usually just consisted of an assortment of toast and jams), was making a cup of coffee for her. Chas had a french press that Aaron would use to make the coffee. Sometimes, Chas would just politely drink a few sips but toss it when Aaron wasn’t looking. Other times, he would brew the perfect cup, and he’d watch her eyes grow in amazement and nod at Aaron.

Aaron’s passion for coffee grew as the years went by. And little by little, he saved enough money to open Has Beans. He had opened shop a little over six months ago to modest success. It’s been a dream come true for Aaron to now experiment and brew the coffee he wants as owner. He hired Matty a few weeks ago when the shop began to get more popular. Matty has been on a crusade to market Has Beans as a fun coffee shop; hence, the sign outside the shop. After the whole discounted coffee attempt from the sign, Matty has scaled it back to just coffee related to puns.

It’s why it’s a surprise to Aaron when the arrogant man from the other day comes back with the same smug smile from before and says, “Hello, one latte please.”

“You know that ain’t gonna work.” Aaron says with a roll of his eyes, “Five quid.”

The man chuckles but slides the fiver towards the cashier’s box as Aaron gets stared on the latte. He sneaks a few glances to the man as he prepares the drink. He’s looking intently at his phone, tapping away on his screen. He’s just as fit as before, Aaron is reluctant to admit.

“Y'know,” the man starts, looking up from his phone to talk to Aaron, “Think there’s something off with the way you make your latte.”

Aaron immediately stops making the latte, “You what?”

The man looks like a cat that got the canary. He smiles and innocently says, “You heard me. There’s something off with your lattes.”

Aaron has never hated a customer. He has sometimes felt a lot of anger and annoyance, but he always knew their interactions were fleeting and he’d get over their rudeness. But standing here, across from a man that Aaron has to listen to say his lattes are bad, Aaron hates him.

“You know what’s wrong?” The man continues, testing every ounce of Aaron’s patience.

“The fact I’m still serving you?” Aaron suggests, angrily frothing the milk. He’ll not let his temper impede his ability to make a latte, even if the man apparently finds the drink offensive.

The man actually laughs at Aaron, as if he made some joke. Just like the last time he was in here, the man leans over the counter to talk to Aaron. “I bet you’re using a single origin coffee as your espresso, right? The flavor peaks are interrupting the smoothness of the milk.” The man nods to beans that sit behind the counter with a knowing look.

Aaron doesn’t want to admit it, but the man has an excellent point. He has been using his house blend as a blanket base for his drinks. It’s not because Aaron thinks that it’s the best way to make his drinks, but because of his limited resources as a new business owner.

Still, he’ll be damned before he lets the man have a victory. “Here’s a thought: if you don’t like it, don’t get it.” Aaron snidely smiles, handing the apparently repulsive latte.

“Maybe you should start giving me a discount on my lattes for this free advice.” The man takes the latte from Aaron’s hand with a wink. He strolls out of the shop and Aaron has never hated someone as much as he does that man.

3

What bothers Aaron the most about the man’s criticism is, Aaron is passionate about coffee. He’s not some bellend who doesn’t know the difference between a dark roast or a light roast. He understands the criticism, but it gets under his skin that this stranger is coming into Aaron’s shop and trying to parade his coffee expertise. There’s a difference between actually being the brewer of the coffee and being someone who just drinks it. Aaron becomes determined to find the right blend to prove that smug bastard wrong.

The evening the man criticizes his coffee, Aaron goes home to his flat and spends his time roasting different beans. He has a vast collection of different sourced beans that he experiments on and finally settles on blends of dark roasts. It’s well into the night when the aroma of the blend tells him it’s the right bean and roast.

He uses a moka pot to brew the espresso - favoring an old fashioned way of making the espresso - and froths the milk to make his latte. The first sip, he can detect a few hints of chocolate - the espresso bold enough to withstand the milk creating a smooth body. He is pleased with that first sip, feeling confident that this blend will satisfy the coffee snob.

It’s a couple of days of waiting before the arrogant man walks back into the coffeeshop. Aaron, in the meantime, has received many compliments on his new lattes, and it’s bolstered his confidence enough that he’s not annoyed with seeing the man. He’s ready to wipe the smug look off the man’s face.

“Hello, one small latte please.”

“Five pounds.” Aaron starts on the latte without a second glance to the man. He takes out his new blend - grounded to a fine texture for the espresso - and begins brewing it fresh for the man.

“Are you ever going to ask me what my name is?” The man petulantly asks, placing a fiver on the counter. He says nothing about trying to get a discounted coffee, instead settling on his whiny question.

“You always come when there’s no one here. Don’t need to ask your name.” Aaron finishes steaming the milk and makes a little leaf out of the milk. He’s been working on his latte art lately but sticks to a simple leaf for Mister Coffee Snob. He’d no doubt find another way to critique Aaron’s coffee if he attempted something more ambitious.

“That’s nice.” The man says when he sees the leaf. Aaron wrings his hands a little nervously while he watches the man take a sip of the latte. The man’s eyes widen a bit when he’s finished with the first sip. “You listened to me.” He says with the smugest of grins.

“Yeah, well…” Aaron trails off with a half shrug. The man surprisingly doesn’t gloat but takes another drink of the latte.

“This is fantastic.” The man says with a proud smile, “I knew you had it in you to make this better.”

Aaron gives the man a tight but genuine smile. Strangely enough, he wanted to make this man proud. At first it was wounded pride and spite that made Aaron stay as late as he did to make the perfect latte for this man. But it morphed into also trying to better himself and serve coffee that will make his customers happy and Aaron proud to serve.

“I reckon this means I get discounted lattes from now on. I am, after all, the reason you changed the blend.” The man says with the cheekiest of smiles.

“Piss off, you.” Aaron says with no heat in his voice. They share a smile before the man leaves the shop.

4

Aaron doesn’t want to admit it, but he is finding himself less and less annoyed by the man. There was something very genuine about him the last time he was in here, complimenting Aaron’s efforts on the changed latte. Aaron has embarrassingly replayed the moment the man had realized Aaron made a change to the espresso many times. It’s strange to suddenly feel some fondness for someone Aaron had been so hellbent to hate.

Matty has been making fun of him every time the man comes in. If Matty is the main barista and sees the man come in, he’ll pretend to get busy so that Aaron has to serve him. “I figured I need to keep playin’ cupid, since it was my brilliant sign that has caused him to come in every day.” Matty said waggling his eyebrows. Aaron threw a tea towel at his face to get him to shut up.

It’s another slow part of the day when the man comes into Has Beans. Aaron does not smile when he sees him, he doesn’t.

“Hello, one small latte, please.” The man says, actually smiling (unlike Aaron, thank you very much).

“Right. Can I get your name?” Aaron picks up a paper cup and his sharpie. For the first time ever, the man looks thrown by the conversation. He had already taken out a five pound note, and was holding it midair when he gapes stupidly at Aaron. He turns around to see only a few patrons milling around the shop, no one in the queue behind him. Finally, his face lights up and a triumphant smile grows.

The myriad of expressions that dance across the man’s face makes Aaron’s face flush in embarrassment. Finally, the man leans over the counter, smile still intact, “You want to know my name?”

“Well what else am I supposed to write on here? Coffee snob?”

The man laughs and laughs, eyes crinkling and making Aaron chuckle himself. When the laughter has ebbed away, he looks Aaron in the eye and finally tells him his name: “Robert. But I do prefer the title of coffee snob.”

Aaron, against his better judgement, smiles back as he writes ‘Robert’ on the blank papered cup. “Okay, Robert, that’d be five quid.”

Robert laughs and finally slides the five pound note towards Aaron but says nothing. Aaron makes the latte in silence, trying not to look at Robert while he makes it. He feels embarrassed enough, and doesn’t want to do anything else he might regret. He finishes the latte and hands the cup with Robert’s name on it. Robert takes the cup and turns the cup around, examining the blocky letters of Aaron’s penmanship. “Shame.” He says when he’s done looking at the cup.

“What?” Aaron picks at some of the coffee utensils nervously.

“Well, you know my name now, thought that might have meant you wrote on here that I get a mate’s rate next time I’m in here.” Robert says.

“You think my knowing your name means we’re mates now?” Aaron asks with the barest of smiles.

“I’ve never worked this hard for someone to know my name. Think we might be more than mates, wouldn’t you say?” The unapologetic confidence that Robert exudes would annoy Aaron in any other person. But with him, there’s something very attractive about how confident Robert holds himself. It makes Aaron sway a little on his feet, leaning over the counter himself, trying to get closer to Aaron.

Unfortunately, before Aaron has a chance to say something back, a customer interrupts their conversation to order themselves a mocha cappuccino. It takes Aaron a few moments of preparing the drink that by the time he’s done with it, he notices Robert is gone. Aaron is not disappointed.

Just like how he wasn’t smiling when Robert first came into the shop.

5

It’s been a few days since Robert has come into the shop. One Robert-less day becomes two, becomes three Robert-less days. Until it’s almost a Robert-less month. Aaron has been trying very hard not to show it’s bothering him. But after snapping at a few customers, Matty gently suggests he should be main barista until Aaron cools down.

Aaron takes out his disappointment by spending some time roasting and grinding beans. It’s oddly therapeutic. As he grinds different coarseness, Aaron imagines he’s grinding Robert’s stupid face. After a week of roasting and grinding, he’s back out front as main barista.

He’s busy with the lunch time rush, not paying much attention to his customer’s faces when he hears that distinguishable voice, “Hello, one small latte, please,” and Aaron snaps his head up to see a sheepish looking Robert.

Aaron is too slammed to say anything, he busies himself with getting the latte done while Matty takes the cash (five pounds, as usual). When Aaron is calling out the latte for Robert, he deliberately touches Aaron’s fingers when he takes the cup out of Aaron’s hand. Aaron doesn’t spare him much thought as he continues to fill the orders and appease impatient businessmen and women.

Robert lingers at the shop, seating himself at a table and drinking his latte thoughtfully. Aaron is distracted by sneaking over glances towards him. The lunch hour seems to be extra populated with people, the hour itself feeling longer than normal as well. Finally, when the crowd becomes manageable, Aaron leaves Matty in charge as he takes a well deserved break. Aaron makes his way to the table Robert has sat himself at, and sits across from him.

“Alright?” Aaron asks, feeling awkward. This is the first time he’s actually started a conversation with Robert without an order being the starter to their conversations.

“Hmm?” Robert looks at Aaron with a curious look on his face. “Oh yeah. Yeah, alright.”

“Only, I wasn’t sure I’d see you again.” Aaron says a little nervously.

Robert lifts an eyebrow, and a teasing smile graces his face. “Well you know what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Thought I’d get you to miss me so much, you would have to give me a discounted latte in relief of seeing me again.”

Aaron can’t help but smile at the adamancy of Robert’s attempt for a discounted latte. He feels better talking to Robert again, not entirely sure why he was gone for so long, but happy his demeanor is exactly the same. Aaron gets up, ready to head back to the back of the bar, when Robert gently grasps his right wrist. “Hang on a second, Aaron.”

Aaron is still standing, but looks down at Robert in mild curiosity. Robert rarely has said Aaron’s name, but he likes the way it sounds coming from him. Robert looks at Aaron shly, before letting out a small sigh. “I have a confession to make.”

A slight trepidation fills Aaron, even though he really has nothing to be nervous about. Still, he waits patiently to see what Robert is going to say. “I have to admit that your lattes are good, but I’m not actually a huge fan of lattes in general.”

The relief that floods him that it’s something innocuous supersedes exactly what Robert said. Aaron lifts an eyebrow in confusion. “So all this time you’ve been trying to get a discount on your latte, and you’re not even a fan of them?” Aaron demands with a smile, Robert is the most incorrigible man he’s ever met.

Robert shrugs his shoulders and leans back in his chair, giving Aaron a lazy smile, “Well what can I say? I’m determined for me discounted coffee.”

Aaron flips him off before walking back to the counter, shaking his head.

+1

Ever since Robert’s confession to not really liking lattes, he has started coming in daily into Has Beans. Aaron tries every time to guess the type of drink that is actually Robert’s favorite. Robert finishes every drink Aaron brews him, but always says with a smirk, “Sorry, try again.” It’s honestly been entertaining for Aaron to experiment on different drinks and having Robert try them.

Aaron never thought he would like Robert as much as he does when he first met him. Aaron had actually hated him for a brief moment, and now, Robert’s visits to Has Beans are the highlight of his day. Lately, Aaron has been wanting more from their interactions. Robert has started staying longer at the shop, the entire time it takes for him to slowly sip at his drink. They’ve been flirting with each other, but neither one has done or tried anything else.

Robert comes in during a peak time - Aaron and Matty churning out orders quickly and efficiently as possible. He goes and sits down at one of the few empty seats. Aaron shoots him a few looks while he’s busy making drinks and sees Robert is occupying himself by reading a local newspaper. It makes Aaron smile fondly as he continues to make drinks.

When the rushtime crowd dissipates, Robert gets up from his chair and makes his way to the counter. “Hello, one small coffee, please,” he says when he gets to the counter. Robert has amended his usual greeting somehow still trying to get discounted coffee despite Aaron giving him different drinks not even on the menu.

Aaron just shakes his head with a smile, but looks at Robert consideringly. One thing Aaron remembers when Robert first criticized Aaron’s latte was the fact he knew Aaron was using a single origin bean for it. It makes Aaron consider for a few moments before deciding on the cup he’s going to brew for Robert.

He takes his fruity light roast beans and grinds them into the portafilter and tamps it down as compactly as possible. The espresso brews perfectly - beautiful light brown crema percolates down into a cup - the light and fruity aroma filling the air. When the espresso is done brewing, Aaron adds boiling water and makes a cafe americano. A simple americano for a coffee snob such as Robert actually makes perfect sense.

“One americano.” Aaron says with a barely contained smile. Robert’s eyes widen in amazement, and eagerly outstretches his hand when Aaron hands him the mug of coffee. He takes a small sip of the americano, and Robert’s face lights up when he swallows the coffee.

“This,” Robert says with admiration heavy in his voice, “is the best americano I’ve ever had. You hit it right on the nose”

Aaron ducks his head in both embarrassment and pride. He knew Robert would love this drink, and knew as he made it, that this was the drink of choice for Robert.

“How much do I owe you?” Robert asks, holding the americano in both his hands, cradling it like it’s the most important thing he’s held.

“Nowt.” Aaron mumbles, cleaning out the portafilter to occupy his hands. He can hear the intake of breath from Robert, making Aaron’s face heat up in embarrassment.

Aaron still hasn’t looked up to see Robert’s reaction, but his smugness is palpable in the air just by the silence that fills between them. Finally, he hears Robert shuffle closer to the edge of the counter, folding his arms on top of the corian surface. Aaron looks up to see Robert grinning at him.

“Is that so?” The triumph in Robert’s voice is unmistakable.

Aaron gives a noncommittal shrug, but sways a little on his feet. Robert continues grinning at Aaron, before taking another sip of his americano. Leaning a little further over the counter, Robert suggests, “How ‘bout this instead: I pay for my americano, and you pay for tea with me tonight?”

Now it’s Aaron’s turn to grin, feeling all the embarrassment from earlier evaporate. “Smooth. Has this been your ploy all along?” Aaron responds with a smile.

Robert shrugs, “Obviously. A fit bloke like you and you make brew a mean americano. It’s a win-win for me. So?”

Aaron laughs a little, and looks behind him. Matty is further behind the counter, wiping down a few of the instruments, pretending not to listen to their conversation, but there’s a small smile on his face. Aaron claps Matty’s shoulder as he passes by and walks around the counter. Robert meets up halfway with a hopeful look on his face. It’s endearing to Aaron in a way that he never thought would be possible the first time Robert walked into Has Beans. “I suppose I can do tea. Got nothing else going on.” Aaron sighs dramatically.

Robert’s face somehow lights up even brighter than when he first took a sip of the americano, and snakes his arms around Aaron’s waist, “You know…now that I’ve got a date with you, I expect discounted americanos from now on.”

Aaron can’t help the laugh that escapes his mouth and shuts Robert up by giving him a kiss.

Dinner is in full swing now.  Everyone stuffed to the brim and a little bit tipsy from copious amounts of alcohol.  Glasses of snowballs are passed around as Belle gives a toast.  “Cheers to everyone here and to absent family who are no longer with us!”  Aaron looks up and raises his glass.  He feels a nudge on his side.  “Hey, remember when Robert had his first Snowball?  Didn’t think he would love it so much.  Proper Dingle he is.”  He turns over to see a grinning Sam and gives him a small nod.  Yes he does, he remembers it like it was yesterday.          

Everyone is having a good time.  His mum and Charity are drunk singing Christmas tunes.  The rest of the family in the midst of a very competitive game of charades.  Liv is with the rest of the teenagers, chatting and laughing while keeping an eye on Seb.

Seb, who’s growing up right before his eyes looking more and more like Robert with each passing day.   He’s eating his third mince pie in a row.  The little boy loves it and he’d scoff the lot if nobody stops him.  Aaron shakes his head and smiles fondly.  He’s just like his Daddy, he could never get enough of it too.

Looking around the room, Aaron takes a deep breath.  A lot has changed in a year.  He’s no longer angry and the hurt is less painful.  He’s moved on.  But some things remain unchanged.  His love for Robert.  Memories of all the beautiful times they had together.  Hope that one day …  yeah, it’ll never go away.  It’s safely tucked away in a corner of his heart.

It’s just one of the reasons why Aaron loves him so much. Robert would do anything for his family and Aaron knows he would make a fantastic dad. Aaron so desperately wanted that future with Robert. He doesn’t know if he’s going to get it now.

“What are you thinking about?” Robert’s voice breaks through the silence and Aaron reaches up to wipe at his wet eyes.

“Our future,” he answers simply. It shuts Robert up. Maybe he’s too afraid to ask Aaron if their dreamed up future is happy or not. “Are you sure about this, Robert?”

“Yeah,” Robert sits up, leans over Aaron to look at his face. “Aren’t you?” Aaron shrugs, avoiding eye contact. In reality he’s not sure about anything anymore. “Look, it’ll all work out, I promise. We’ll go to Dublin first, meet up with your Mum and Liv. Then we’ll just… take it from there.”

Aaron shakes his head minutely, rolling his eyes. He can feel Robert’s beating heart against his chest, the rhythm fast and panicked. Robert doesn’t want to lose him. Aaron doesn’t want to lose him either.

He doesn’t know what he would do without Robert.

What his life would be like.

Empty.

Aaron rolls so he’s facing Robert and Robert searches his face with his eyes. “The baby-”

“Doesn’t matter,” Robert interrupts. Robert sits up more and his eyes are pleading. “Aaron, listen, it’s going to be great. We can move on from this whole mess. No Rebecca, no baby, no Whites in general.” He’s frowning now, eyes skittering over Aaron’s form. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Robert.” Aaron throws the duvet off and stands, pacing around their bedroom. “This baby-”

“Would you stop talking about the stupid baby,” Robert snaps and Aaron stops his pacing.

“The baby will be your family, Robert.”

“No,” Robert gets up too, approaches Aaron. “No, you and Liv are my family. Why are you pushing me on this?” Aaron shrugs again and looks down at his feet. He’s actually not sure why he is pushing the subject. He wants to forget about the baby too, pretend it never even happened. He wants to love Robert and not feel anger and hate and sadness all at the same time. He wants Robert to want him and only him.

He wants to mean just as much to Robert as Robert means to him.

His entire world.

His entire life.

Everything.

“Let’s just forget about it,” Aaron eventually says and he doesn’t miss Robert rolling his eyes.

Robert turns, heads back to the bed to sit on the side. “I’ve been trying to but you won’t shut up.”

“I will.”

Aaron walks to his own side of the bed and crawls back under the duvet. He curls into himself, the feel of Robert’s eyes boring into his back. Eventually Robert sighs and shimmies over to him, pulling him so his back is flushed against Robert’s chest once more. Robert is warm and comfortable and Aaron welcomes it when Robert buries his face in his neck. Not to kiss but to just breathe him in. Aaron allows it, wishes he could live in this time and space forever but he knows he can’t and eventually reality is going to come crashing back down.

Hard.

*~~~*

In the morning, the two of them have breakfast together. It’s mostly silent, Aaron eating a bowl of cereal while Robert eats toast. The air between them is strained but with a mixture of calm. Aaron fears it’s the calm before the storm starting to settle in. Neither of them got any sleep last night.

“Have you cleaned them?”

Aaron furrows his brows and looks at Robert in confusion. “What?”

“The cuts.” Robert gestures with his head. “Have you cleaned them properly?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. He just can’t help himself. “Of course I have. Stop worryin’.”

Robert’s brows don’t smooth out and instead stay in their concerned form. His eyes are sparkling as he watches Aaron. “I’m your husband. It’s my job to worry.”

Aaron could retort to that. He has a couple, ones that he knows would cut Robert deep, right on the tip of his tongue. Were you worried about me when you slept with Rebecca? Were you worried about me when you knocked her up? But he doesn’t say any of that. Neither of them need it right now.

Robert must read the anger or hurt or whatever in Aaron’s eyes because he reaches across the table and grabs a hold of Aaron’s hand. He squeezes in reassurance. “I love you.”

Aaron can’t not say it back. Because he does still love Robert, no matter what. He’s never been good at stopping that part of his heart that belongs to Robert. He could never let him go, could never move on.

His heart belongs to Robert.

He loves him

He can’t live without him.

“I love you too.” Aaron nods in confirmation, can already feel his eyes watering. “You know.”

“I know.” Robert doesn’t even hesitate and Aaron almost believes Robert’s eyes are filling up with tears too but Robert is pulling away and standing to clear the dishes before he can study it more. Maybe if Robert was more willing to actually show his emotions in front of Aaron the two of them wouldn’t be in this mess.

Maybe if Aaron wasn’t so much of a mess to begin with they wouldn’t be where they are right now.

After all, Aaron is just as much of a screw up as Robert is.

Always has been and always will be.

And everyone leaves him.

Eventually.

“I was thinking,” Robert begins where he stands at the sink, washing up. “I’ll go out today and book us the flight to Dublin. How does that sound?”

The water shuts off and that is Aaron’s queue to wipe his tears away. He twists in his seat to see Robert leaning against the counter, hands gripping the edge in a white knuckled embrace. His husband is on edge and Aaron doesn’t blame him. After all, he’s feeling the same  way.

“Sure,” he answers and gives Robert a quick smile. Robert frowns at it but he does walk up to Aaron and kiss him on the head, hands on either side of Aaron’s face. Robert tilts Aaron’s head up, making Aaron look him in the eyes. “It’ll all work out. Once we’re gone from here, we’ll be happy again.”

Aaron knows, rationally, that’s not how it works but he wants to live in the fantasy for just a bit longer. He’s tired of his heart breaking. “Yeah, we will.”

Robert kisses him again, this time on the mouth before letting Aaron go and walking away. Aaron watches his husband’s back, feeling the heavy weight on his heart grow stronger and stronger until it forms a large lump in his throat. Robert stops in the entryway of the flat, grabbing his blue puffy jacket, and turning back to look at Aaron. “Everything will be perfect before you know it.”

Aaron gives him another fast smile and a small nod. He doesn’t know what to say and he feels guilty when Robert frowns at him. They stay like that for several seconds, staring at one another before Robert turns away and leaves the flat, shutting the door firmly behind himself. Aaron watches the whole time, not moving his eyes from that one spot. The person he loves the most in the world has left the building and though Aaron knows Robert is coming back to him, he can still feel his heart breaking. He wants nothing more than for Robert’s plan to work.

Because he wants that future with Robert.

The person he can’t dream of being without.

The love of his life.

His husband.

———————————————————————————————————–