wild child

“whoa,” san starts in between huge bites of food, his face lighting up in the process. “noona, this is amazing.” he blinks down at the bowl in his lap as he shovels in spoonfuls of the home cooked meal sohee had made for them into his mouth. “thank you for cooking for me~” he looks back up at her with a grin, cheeks full and dimples visible as he speaks cutely. sure, he talks with his mouth full sometimes, but he at least didn’t chew with his mouth open. he had some manners.

he wipes the corner of his lip with his finger and finishes swallowing before covering his mouth with a giggle, embarrassed upon realizing just how fast he had been eating. he couldn’t help it though; he loved food and he loved to eat, and it was no secret san loved sohee’s cooking. it reminded of his mom’s cooking, and love in the form of food was something san appreciated the two of them shared together. it was definitely something he needed as of late.

san slows his eating once his nerves settle down after finally getting something into his stomach and he stretches out his legs a bit, leaning back into couch. “thanks for coming over,” he mumbles, setting his spoon back into the bowl and letting it slide along the edge to the bottom. he clears his throat and looks over at her again; why did he feel so nervous? “i was, uh, i was actually going to reach out to you first, but you beat me to it,” he chuckles.

rkyjun​:

(…🍓…)

“hey,” he says in a calm tone, attempting to try and make san calm down. “it’s okay. you don’t need to cry. it’s understandable why you would, given what he did and all.” he approaches san slowly, feeling that if he’d rush over there it’d make the situation worse. once he reaches him, he crouches down so that he’s face-to-face with him, even with the distance they have between each other. the last time yeonjun saw san like this, he did everything wrong and essentially lost a friend that day. he left him alone. but this time, the boy wanted to make him know that he wasn’t planning on going anywhere. specifically, he wasn’t planning on leaving his side. 

with a kid. after he left san’s family the way he did? it makes him angry just knowing that, but he knows that it doesn’t matter compared to how the other feels. he rubs the other’s arm comfortingly as a way to soothe him. “he’s a dickhead,” he says as he does this. “how could he just go about his life normally after what he did to you?” he finds himself getting off the main goal at hand: calming him down. “don’t worry. you’re away from him now. don’t think about him. if you need help, just think about me being with you.” there’s a small smile that follows right after. god, he’s so ridiculous. but he hopes it was a good attempt at trying to make him feel better. 

tw: ptsd mention, anxiety, anxiety attack

everything was so overwhelming. for a moment, it honestly felt like san’s world was crashing down around him. why did he have to run in to his dad of all people? what were the odds? it brought back many unwanted, traumatic memories, and to see him with what was potentially a brand new family was... while not surprising, still shocking for san to see and — well, it hurt. what he is surprised about is how easily yeonjun’s voice calms him down, but in a sense it wasn’t really surprising at all. the only person san had thought of to call in his most vulnerable state was yeonjun; there was no one else he wanted there with him right now more than him.

“thank you,” san says pathetically with a teary chuckle. he felt so bad for avoiding yeonjun for as long as he did when he had just been scared, and to top it all off he had to run into his father for the first time in who knows how long. he really just wanted yeonjun now. his presence, his warmth, his comfort... but he felt guilty for everything he’d put the both of them through in the last few weeks. “you can come closer, if you want,” he huffs out, his cheeks filling with a bit of color. 

he shakes his head again and wipes at his eyes roughly, still huddled into himself and sitting against the wall. “i’m sorry you have to deal with me,” san mumbles. “i’m sorry for all of this. for everything.” he lets out heavy sigh and lets his head rest against the bathroom wall, the feeling of cold tile sending a shiver down his spine. he wants to say more, but for some reason doing anything but bottling up his emotions was so difficult for san. he’s really trying now at least, considering the situation at hand. it felt like it was now or never. 

“i’m scared, jjuni,” he admits shakily, a nervous laugh coming after using the old nickname. a few tears sting at his eyes before he says anything else, but he powers through and does his best to blink them away. “i just— i like you a lot. i like you so much it scares me. because you’re my best friend but you’ve always been so much more than that to me and when... when we hooked up again i got scared that things would somehow turn out the same way as before. but i don’t want want to lose you again. i can’t.” his voice trembles as he finishes and he’s close to crying when he meets yeonjun’s eyes, though he just chews on his lip nervously. 

san was not the best at communicating his feelings, that much was obvious. the lack of communication between him and yeonjun was the reason it took them so long to get their shit together, but now that they finally had — he was really trying.

he’d spent what felt like weeks thinking about how he’d give his letter to yeonjun, but it’d really only been over the course of the weekend they had been spending together at san’s apartment. their relationship had just begun, so they were still in the honeymoon stage and everything felt so amazing... the last thing he wanted was to do something wrong and ruin everything. though with thoughts as ridiculous as that, san was definitely giving himself a bit too much credit when it came to ruining things.

but birthdays didn’t have rules, and san had a few different ways he intended on making it an amazing one for yeonjun. this was just a... gentle start.

so after much contemplation, he secretly slips the letter into yeonjun’s backpack and gives him a kiss before leaving for work. 

the letter reads . . .

lixrk​:

he wasn’t expecting to reconnect with anyone when he returned to korea, intending to stay permanently this time. he made a few friends over the summers he spent within the country, but he’s not sure most of them even remembered him. he’s not the most sociable person anyway, so it’s surprising when he finds a handful of them still remembered felix after all, despite being awful at keeping contact.

it’s made even worse when he meets san again, what with their history that almost feels like a fever dream looking back. felix hadn’t been the most affectionate person back then, he doesn’t even know if he can say he improved either. all that he knew was that he left things hanging when he went back to australia, and instead of having a proper conversation about it, whether at the time or now, it’s all still up in the air. not acknowledged, for who knows how long.

it doesn’t help that his mind keeps filling up with thoughts, that maybe this was all they have been this entire time—a loose label of friendship, and something else among messy sheets. felix is never good at saying what he means, and he would never ask. so he just goes along with the flow, ignoring his own thoughts to the best of his ability.

he looks up at the other boy when he hears his name, legs under the blanket. “right now?” the invitation wasn’t something he expected after what they had just been doing, but it’s not out of the ordinary for san to suggest it. he takes a peek out the window. “i guess you’re right, but where should we even go?”

san didn’t harbor any negative feelings toward felix, not at all. maybe he had at first, when they were young and their relationship had ended loosely, without much clarity. they still hadn’t had a conversation about the whole ordeal yet and it felt like there was an air of unspoken awkwardness around them from time to time, but it also felt like they had figured out what worked for them. they were older now and had reconnected successfully, so san tried not to dwell on it too much anymore.

he unlocks his phone and scrolls through a few things aimlessly to check any notifications he might have missed from the last hour or so before tilting his head back on the mattress to meet felix’s eyes... upside down, of course. “yeah, why not?” san flashes him a smile and unplugs his phone from its charger so he can roll over on the bed and onto his stomach, finally meeting the younger’s gaze properly. 

rkyjun​:

(…🍓…)

the distance is longer than he thinks it to be and he finds himself apologizing and bowing more than he should, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to find the other. “you’re gonna be okay, okay? you’re away from him now. i’m almost there. just give me a little bit more,” he continues to tell him in a calm, yet stern tone. finally, after feeling like minutes became hours, he reaches the entrance near the restrooms and he runs over to him, turning his phone off to avoid the sound of loud feedback when he gets close to him. without even thinking, he immediately pulls the boy into a hug. “thank god,” he whispers in relief, his grasp on the boy getting tighter just from seeing him. talking to him. after weeks of what felt like months of silence, he’s just relieved to see him now. 

he pulls away and looks at him. “sorry. if that made you uncomfortable, i mean,” he says, referring to the hug. he clears his throat to clear the awkwardness and goes back to being serious and taking care of the other. “there’s a family bathroom inside here and we can go in there to get away from everyone. let’s go in there.” 

tw: anxiety, anxiety attack

san barely has time to register their call ends before yeonjun runs over and pulls him into a hug, which immediately makes a few more tears fall from him. if there was anything san had needed recently, it was a hug, and now it had come so suddenly and from the person he wanted it from most. he shakes his head at what yeonjun says once they pull away and he wipes at his eyes, too choked up to say anything yet. 

he lets yeonjun lead them into the bathroom and he seems to keep his composure, but once the door is shut and locked, all his emotions come rushing over him despite how relieved he is to be in private. it’d been nearly 7 years since he’d last seen his father, and their last interaction was not exactly a fun memory san had. it was traumatic if anything, and san hadn’t really given himself the time to work through any of his feelings on the matter. he didn’t really feel like working through them right now out of the blue, and certainly not in front of yeonjun at that.

no matter how much san wanted to bottle up his feelings like he usually did, everything was too overwhelming for him this time. he brings his hands up to cover his face and tries to hold in a sob as he backs up against the tile wall, bends his knees and shrinks down to the floor. he gives in momentarily and lets himself cry for a few seconds, mainly to keep himself from hyperventilating and making things worse. he’s soon to go quiet again and resorts to sniffles, shaking his head as he dries his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt. “i’m sorry, it’s just—” 

— humph! ;

#rkpicnic starter for @rkchoisan !

“damn it,” pj muttered under his breath, taking a step back from the carnival booth. darts never were his thing, but for whatever reason he felt more annoyed that he was struggling to hit something as silly as balloons. “remind me what the point of this is again?” he asked, readying another dart as he tried to adjust his aim just right. this would be his time, he could feel it. the boy drew in a deep breath, lightly exhaling as he braced himself for the throw. then, he finally released the dart.

for a brief moment, it soared through the air, and pj watched helplessly as it bounced off of one of the balloons rather than popping it. “are you kidding me?” he pleaded to no one in particular, the stress he was feeling making its way into his words. pj let out an exaggerated groan as he buried his face into his hands. “i think… is this what death feels like? am i dying?” he asked dramatically as he fell to his knees, forcing himself to hold back laughter. “i can’t die like this… san, please tell me i’m not the only one who’s bad at these stupid darts. i don’t know if i’d be able to live with myself.”

san was competitive, and it wasn’t any kind of secret. the boy was friendly first and foremost, but once you really get to know him, his competitiveness shines through every once in awhile, here and there. pj had seen that side of san a few times, most commonly whenever they played mario kart together. however, today they were in a different environment, and san was just grateful pj had managed to get him out of the house (the last few weeks hadn’t been the easiest for him mental health wise).

rkyjun​:

(…🍓…)

he’s with his friend at a game booth when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. he takes it out and furrows his eyebrow at the contact name. funny. it took him two weeks to finally reach out to him? he picks up the phone and puts it to his ear, making a stern “mmm” sound in response to the other calling out his name. he wasn’t really able to hide the fact that he wasn’t too excited to get the phonecall, especially after the two weeks of little to no interaction with him at all.

but he hears san’s voice shake and the way he says “i need you,” makes his heart drop. so much was going on in yeonjun’s mind as he listened to everything san had to say. dad. here. if yeonjun knew anything about the other, he knew that the boy wouldn’t be in the right state of mind after seeing him, the douchebag that he remembers his friend described all those years ago. “where are you?” he asks, starting to walk away from his friends. when they ask him what’s up, he mouths “i’ll be back,” to them before going back on his way.

“san, where are you? i’ll be there as soon as i can. i promise. just-” he finds himself pause in his speech before he finishes. “wait for me.”

tw: anxiety, anxiety attack

san feels his chest tighten and a few anxious tears spill, which he wipes at roughly before calming down a bit at hearing yeonjun say his name. “i–i’m,” he lets out a shaky breath and turns around on his heels, looking around his surroundings to figure out some idea of where he actually was. “i’m on the street where the festival starts, by— by the.. the restrooms? i-i was at the ring toss and he was just there suddenly and i-i didn’t know what to do, i just turned and ran—”

he takes a deep breath and licks over his lips. “i’m sorry,” he says firmly; it’s the most confident he’s sounded since the call began, though there’s still anxiety in his voice. san meant it genuinely, he felt like he had... a lot to apologize for. “i ran around the corner. i think. i’m sorry,” he says a second time, his voice beginning to shake once again. “...will you stay on the phone with me?”

he feels his body beginning to shake as well and he wraps his free arm around himself, shuffling backwards to lean against the brick wall and hopefully keep himself upright. “i don’t want to be alone,” he admits quietly.

san walks through the festival with a smile on his face, enjoying the weather and atmosphere of the park as he passes by the different stands of games that were set up along with a few food trucks. he was on his own now, though he'd been hanging out with pj earlier and had run into some of his friends here and there. while he hadn't originally planned to go to the festival, he was having a good time and in the end was glad pj had dragged him around to do so many things. he needed a mental break with how much anxiety he was putting himself through after hooking up with yeonjun... again.

it'd been nearly 2 weeks now, and san had ended up avoiding him after it all happened. he was confused and scared, and simply didn't know what to do. he didn't know what was next for the two of them, and he wasn't sure he wanted to find out considering their history. so needless to say, san was happy to have the festival as a bit of a distraction. he needed to clear his mind and have a little fun.

it’s not until he turns around from where he had been watching a few strangers competitively playing the ring toss game beside him that he’s suddenly face to face with his father of all possible people. it's a face san hadn't seen in person in literal years, so it comes as quite a shock. he freezes in place, his expression left blank as he blinks at the figure in front of him. he looked like a completely different person, and if san wasn't hallucinating, seemed to be holding the hand of a small child too.

san finds himself fleeing before even realizing he was putting one foot in front of the other when it looks like the man was about to speak to him. he sprints away from the scene without thinking, weaving through people to get out of the crowd and turning down a random street to leave the festival. he stops by the corner of a few public restrooms and fumbles to get his phone out, his hands shaking as he does.

his fingers press yeonjun's contact name without hesitation and he brings the phone to his ear, anxiously listening to it ring. "yeonjun?" he pipes up when the call thankfully connects, voice shaking. "i-i need you," he chokes out as a lump forms in his throat and tears begin stinging at his eyes. “my dad. he-- he’s here. i saw him and i--i'm sorry, i just- i'm freaking out and i-i didn't know who else to call."

. . .starter for @lixrk !

it was safe to say hookups were kind of san’s thing. he slept around often and generally took sex as a whole a little bit more casually than most people around him did, but what was wrong with that? though he did have to admit, being as sensitive as he was, a lot of the time san much preferred having friends with benefits rather than a long string of one night stands (but don’t get him wrong, he liked both -- each have their pros and cons). felix was one of them, but the two of them were a bit more than just friends with benefits. they were good friends first and foremost, but a couple of summers ago they had been boyfriends for a brief time as well.

both of them had grown a lot since they had dated, but neither san or felix were very good at talking about their feelings. they had successfully glossed over having an actual in depth conversation about their past feelings for each other more than once, but san was happy with their current relationship (and was pretty sure felix felt the same). that's all that mattered now, right?

. . . empty spaces.

( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) shhh i bet you don’t suck!!!  ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) i mean, compared to me, maybe. but also i love you and i bet u don’t suck in general!!!  ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) i hope ur mom misses me though!!! i hope i can see her soon…  ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) I DON’T WANT TO GET RID OF U TO BEGIN WITH!!! I WILL HANG OUT W U!!! ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) are you free anytime this week? want it to be at my place so i can see if your skills have gotten any better or not? >:3 

* i’m a savage

at some point, soobin’s house has become a hangout spot for his friends. not that he minds, if anything he welcomes it fully with open arms. it’s no secret that he’s incredibly lazy, and the ability to meet up with people without actually leaving the house. a true win-win situation for him.

he’s lazing around with san, a fellow tik tok connoisseur, as he scrolls through his ‘for you’ feed. one hand on his phone, and the other busy trying to his find his snack as he stuffs it into his mouth. ha. and his parents told him he could never multi task. take that mum.

it’s when he hears san call out to him, does he pull his eyes away from the video of a ladybug dancing on a pencil lead. “the savage dance,” he repeats, and his lips actually curl up at the thought of him dancing to that, much less learning it. “i have two left feet, and the coordination of a two year old. it’s impossible for me to learn that dance by mysel ––” he pauses. slowly, he places the snack back, and blinks. “wait… why did you ask me that all of a sudden.”

san’s already grinning by the time soobin’s lips curl into a smile, arms waving excitedly and head shaking at the other. “that’s why i’ll teach you!” he says eagerly and sits up from where he had been slumped on the couch, soon laughing at the look he had expected to get from the younger boy. his expression quickly morphs into a desperate pout upon realizing how much convincing he might need to do, but san was more than confident in his abilities. probably a bit too much. “c’mon, don’t look at me like that. it’ll be fun, it’ll promise! and i’m a good teacher. i swear on both.”

* long time no sleep

tw: depression 

yeonjun’s mind was empty. with the alcohol in his system, he couldn’t really seem to focus on anything but what was going on around him. the silence of the room, the feeling of san’s hands holding his face. and the way he looked at him like this. for a moment, yeonjun feels a case of déjà vu. maybe with a change of situation, but there was a feeling in him that he couldn’t seem to get rid of. 

he doesn’t deny the fact that being with san in this moment is what’s bring him happiness. in fact, every encounter since they had reunited had enhanced his mood more than he thought it would. after having lost touch with him, yeonjun’s days became duller and duller as each day passed. he found himself growing lonelier and lonelier as each day passed, even if he was surrounded by friends and people who cared for him. and after he had reconnected with his old friend, he starts feeling more… alive again? could there be a connection? it’d make sense if there is one. 

he doesn’t think much when he is kissed. rather, he feels. he feels like it’s right to have their lips on each other’s again after not having kissed him since that night. it brings him comfort and peace, knowing that he was here with him in this moment. he kisses back out of instinct, feeling all sorts of warm emotions as he does so. his mind is swimming, his only thoughts being about how pretty the other looked. how soft and nice his lips felt against his; as if they were made to be there. and how it’s been so long since… 

since… 

he wakes up. what is he doing?

he opens his eyes to realize what was going on and he pulls back hastily, pushing san away lightly as he puts a hand over his mouth to cover the fact it was open. no way. he touches his own lips with his fingertips, still trying to process what has happened in the last few minutes. did he kiss san? did he kiss his best friend, after years of not talking to him? after all he put him through? scratch all of that- did he still have feelings for him if he kissed him back?

no. there was no way. it had to be the soju. it must’ve been the soju and how it affected his system. there was no way he could still have feelings for him after all these years of barely talking to each other. not to mention, there was no way san could like him back. after all, yeonjun did break his heart. 

“i’m sorry,” he says hastily, looking away from san for a bit. holding his head as he still tries to think about what had happened, his head hurting due to the overthinking and the drinks. “fuck- shit- san, i’m sorry.” 

a lot of things could be blamed on their alcohol consumption for the night, but when yeonjun kisses back, san could swear he sees fireworks. it’d been literal years since they had last kissed, yet everything in the moment felt so familiar, so comforting. it was all san really wanted, which is why he had went for it in the first place, and for a second it really felt like nothing between them had changed. he still felt like he was in high school, in love with his best friend and the other kissing back makes him think maybe, maybe he feels the same way too until—  

yeonjun pulls away abruptly, covering his mouth as if he had clearly made a mistake. it makes san’s heart drop, but a part of him... isn’t surprised. he parts his lips to say something, but the boy’s apology makes him fall silent. he licks over his lips and shakes his head in response when he feels the slightest feeling of tears sting his eyes, hoping yeonjun was too drunk to notice. 

he clears his throat and lets out a huff, hoping to pass it off as a laugh as he reaches for the nearly empty soju bottle on the table in front of them to pour himself another drink. “no, i’m— i shouldn’t..” he mumbles and sniffs, shaking his head and sitting up a bit straight to somehow convince himself he was alright (because he certainly didn’t feel like it). “i shouldn’t have done that, m’sorry,” he finishes, his voice dropping quieter when he speaks up again. 

the awkward silence that falls over them is deafening, and san’s pretty sure he’s never wanted to disappear so badly in his life. he kind of wants to cry too just from how humiliated he feels, but he’s able to mostly keep his composure despite how very drunk the boy was, at least for now. he might end up crying in the bathroom once yeonjun falls asleep later, but all he can really think about now is getting drunk enough to hopefully forget everything that just happened. he’s not sure if he’ll be successful, but he was definitely sure he was gonna take the next shot that was now in his hands at the very least.

( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) HEY i am NOT a baby >:(  ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) omg video games without me? on ur special day? that kinda hurted </3 ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) JKJK i hope u have an amazing day today ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) OMGGG UR MOM i miss her how is she??  ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) tell her i said hi the next time you see her!!!  ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) aww… i’d be honored to be on /the/ choi san’s schedule 🙇🏼‍♂️ ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) i’ll let you know when i’m free then!! as long as you’re free on the same day, too!!! 

* long time no sleep

the way they were playfully bickering was fun for yeonjun, despite the fact that he was basically losing the argument thanks to san acting like a child with him. every single thing that the other does in response to him, he couldn’t help but find it endearing in a certain way. it was as if things had never changed between both of them and he wonders if it’s because of how their dynamic was. of course it was different then, considering there were certain issues back then that were different from said issues now. but that didn’t matter to him now. all that mattered to him was how san and him were basically having a good time with a little too much alcohol in their system. 

as he grabs hold of yeonjun’s cheeks, the pout doesn’t disappear. in fact, all it does it just poke his lips out more. it didn’t help that san was practically babying him right now as he was doing that. of course, he would take any opportunity to argue with him about this, especially with the fact that he was always the shyest when it came to his cheeks. he even tries to let out a “hmph” before his pout slowly turns into a smile the longer he looks at the other. he couldn’t help it. just the sight of san’s face reminded him of a time that he missed long ago when he was happy. and for a moment, he feels warm, though he thinks it’s just the effect of the soju. “fineee,” he says in response, smile still on his face as he looks at the other in front of him. “i’ll stop for you. i’m still right, though.”

it was hard to for san to say or even think anything coherent with the way his head was swimming as he looked at yeonjun, hands still squishing his cheeks together. maybe it was the alcohol, but the boy directly in front of him was all he could seem to focus on, even if he was much too intoxicated to determine why. it was a lot more than just the fact that they were in each other’s presence again — it had been so long and the time they spent apart had hurt. 

san spent nearly the entire time since they had graduated hooking up and having flings with other people, subconsciously hoping to fill the space in his heart that had been empty since the two of them went their separate ways. they’d promised to stay in contact while attending different universities, but the distance and the history between them quickly lead to their interactions dwindling. the occasional video call would eventually morph into infrequent texts, which would then lead to simply liking one another’s social media posts when they popped up on their feed. 

so why did tonight feel so normal? so familiar? it was like nothing had changed, and it had san excited, hopeful even. he doesn’t remember the last time he’d had so much fun with one person or felt so naturally close to someone, and that someone was a boy he’d barely seen at all in the last two years but still considered his best friend at heart. he doesn’t have time to understand, nor was he sober enough to, and in the moment san doesn’t mind. he’s too drunk to be confused by his feelings or even realize how long he’d been holding the other’s face in his hands; the only thing in his mind is yeonjun, yeonjun, yeonjun. 

( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) YAH! CHOI SAN!!! ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) happy birthday!! 🎂🎁🥳 ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) only 2 more months until we can be the same again hmph 😡 ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) what are you planning on doing today!!!! on ur very special day!!! ( sms ⇢ ⛰shine ) IMY!! we should hang out soon

( @rksbin​ )

though he was hesitant to admit it because san liked being seen as an all-rounded guy, recently he had been focusing way too much of his energy on his dancing. while he didn’t necessarily think he could spend too much time dancing, he had to be honest — with the emotional stress from his personal life (that was mostly self-inflicted), he had found himself unintentionally distancing from friends and distracting himself with more time in the k-arts dance studio. however, it’d come to his attention quite quickly that he needed some sort of social interaction besides that of through a phone screen.