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I’m watching this Netflix doc and at one point they’re talking about this guy making more than 50 Facebook accounts to mess with people and it totally reminded me of: remember that Muslim couple that turned out to all be the same girl who has a separate profile on here?? Probably not because everyone’s deleted and I’m actually talking to a void now BUT point being...where’s our doc guys? Who’s gonna make it

I’ve lost like...40 pounds since my heighest weight ever (when I was 18 god) and like 20 of that since April and so everyone around me is talking to me about my weight and my body all the time now and it’s just like. I’m disturbed by how many people feel so positively about me losing weight. Their enthusiasm is weird and I have a hard time matching it, my happiness back at them is out of politeness, I feel vaguely neutral about my body changing outside of wanting to feel more agile and graceful. I was fairly happy and comfortable where I was before. I didn’t think I was that unattractive and my weight had sort of been slowly downtrending on its own. A little part of it has to do with my breakup, I chose this as what I was going to do to take my mind off of that. And I’m turning 25 in October of this year, it’s like...it feels like this is the last problem left of this quarter of my life. Everything else I wanted to do for this part of my life I did, I left my suburb to go away for school even if it was in a small catholic school in a small little city. How many brown girls do you know go away to college?? Not very many. But my parents and I, they let me go. And I got my degree and I came back and now I have a job that I’m very serious about, I’m so consumed by it in a very exciting way. I moved back and am independent in the city I grew up in, which is the only thing I ever really dreamed of doing at 16-18. I think that whole process: moving, studying, graduating, moving, working gave me a lot of self worth. My job too. I know in my core that I have so much to learn but that I am also good at what I do, that knowledge is filling a gap that has been in me a long time. I almost never leave working feeling like I didn’t try my absolute best to help people, and that’s all I ever really wanted from my work. And also now too I’ve fallen in and out of love enough times to not settle for something that is not right, I have enough self worth to have expectations of others. It’s funny because I always thought losing weight would make me feel like I had more worth, but it was always the opposite. I had to feel good and stable and like I was a person worth being alive to then be able to not use food as a quick dopamine rush to not want to actively die....I guess. And it took me until 24 to basically feel like I had some amount of rights in this world, that I had control over my life, people can no longer mistreat me and do whatever they want to me because I’m on my own now and I’m not allowing it. That I was deserving of good things, like a love that gives what it takes, or feeling healthy. But I can’t tell people that when they ask me what I’m doing. Whatever. Point is weight is the last problem I guess, it’s been a problem since I was like 6-7, I don’t think I really have memories of when my weight wasn’t a problem to someone, first my mom, then the people I was around or just like idk just how the world is. It’s easier to adapt. What I really want for the next part of my life is to just experiment with what life is like at a normal “healthy” weight or whatever, if I’ll be happier, if things will be easier, if people will be nicer. What’s life like when you can fit into any store you’d like? Or not being the largest person in the room? Or when you can do any activity you want, when you can keep up with other people your age, when you don’t feel like your body limits you? Is life better? I don’t know. So anyway. I’ll update you

when I’m laying in bed thinking about her, all I do i channel all my energy and power and love and I try to form it into a little ball and project it out to her in the hopes that...maybe it’ll make her think about me too. maybe she’ll feel my love or maybe she won’t but if all my power can cause one good thought about me to flow through her head then it’s enough. I hope she can hear me, calling out to her from this place

posts about self care and choosing happiness are just like really so hilarious during acute episodes of depression cause it’s like...no amount of doing behaviors “that find you peace. take a shower...” or cherishing my days or anything will keep the like god I don’t even know what this is...the sinking. Away. Like in get out where he just gets sucked into a dark space and can’t move. Nothing is going to keep that away. Walking and hiking and showers and putting on make up and skin care are all very helpful at a baseline normal level of functioning to feel better. Reminders to stay present and positive help when you’re already up in the clouds and need to come back down. It just doesn’t apply in this place. You just have to sink into it and try to keep it from consuming your relationships to a point of permanent damage and you just feel bad and bad and bad and bad. Just a deep rotting honestly. But I’m 24 now. This is the 5-6 cycle of this. I don’t feel hopeless anymore because I know this is temporary and god willing be killed by spring.

today on Does this Person Like Me Back or is this Just Weird Platonic Behavior

Having a crush on anyone gives me such a headache and emotional distress it never fails to make me want to have a lobotomy and feel numb forever

Things are not going good in my relationship but it’s okay because life is bizarre and I’m probably gonnna die young anyway

i work in a small em3rgency departm3nt in my city now. i just started last week, same hospital I was at but just The e*r part of it. I’m very excited, it’s the reason why I got into nurs|ng in the first place, Is to work in That environment. it’s where I’m most naturally suited, these people I’m around now are so smart and quick but also mean and harsh and upfront. Like me. I love the pace, I love being on my feet, I love the range of low to high acuity, I love always being busy, I love the wild shit that comes through the door. I want to have the knowledge and ability to actually help people who are about to imminently pass, instead of just getting them when they’re already stabilized. I love the high of adrenaline, when your heart races fast and your breath quickens and your thoughts become clear and narrow. It’s a unique high. Anyway. I’m very excited and I hope I have what it takes to make it there

we’ve all really lost the plot here

I told my gf that she’s prettier than lupita one time and she accused me of lying!!!! Can you believe that??? It’s true

my girlfriend can handle how mean I am, she’s more blunted to the things I say with bite to them because that’s what we’re used to, that’s how our mothers talk to us. she gets mean too, just like her mom. And my mom. but I’m more equipped to talk back to her too. we’re similar, but just different enough that every time I talk to her, or laugh with her, or listen to her music, I experience something new. not many people can handle how I am, but she can. I really love her a lot

I stole bleach wipes from work

is it weird if a bi person continues to daydream about sleeping with a different gender than the person they’re with? It seemed way less weird when I was thinking about lesbians while still dating a guy vs watching straight sex now while dating a girl

am I bi because I have a high sex drive or do I have a high sex drive because I’m bi