River

I made everything worse, for my friends. Why did I say everything? I should’ve just stayed quiet, great now they probably hate River, I’m so dumb, I’m literally so dumb, I make everything worse for everyone. Maybe that’s because I’m so desperate to get out of my parents house and control, maybe it’s because I’m just so desperate for freedom from this constant stress, negativity and yelling from the arguments I have with my parents…maybe I’m the problem just like he said. Maybe I’m a narcissist just like my dad said, maybe I’m just being selfish and I’m just overreacting and overthinking. Why do I always make it worse? Why do I say the most ridiculous things when I’m have an episode…and I’m bringing everyone down…I’m letting down everyone! It’s so exhausting trying to hold back every time I’m crying every time I’m on the verge of having a panic attack, why do I always bother people with my problems, it would've been better if i stayed quiet and kept pushing them away…it would’ve been better if I never been friends with them…then they wouldn’t be so bad…right? Or would they still be suffering anyway? Would it even make a difference if i wasn’t friends with them? Of course it would've…my old friend would’ve gotten wings of their own if i didn’t meet them…but still I can’t get rid of the feeling that I’m the problem of this and that I’m making everything worse for everyone. I'm making it worse for Iris, for Emi, for Daiki and I’m basically hurting River…but I just want to protect them! But I’m hurting them!…why is this so hard? Why is it so hard for me to just keep being calm?… i was on the verge of a panic attack…5 times…and I was crying for hours…this feels just like when we were younger…the same fear…being in an incredibly small room with no light and nobody else…the walls slowly closing in on us, slowly making us even more desperate to be safe even more desperate to be able to be a kid even though we’re not young anymore…even though we can’t just keep being dependent…I cant keep doing this to them…I’m hurting them…i don’t mean to hurt them but I obviously am…how do I fix this?… I cant anymore…this isn’t something a sorry will fix…their mental wellbeing is more important than ours..more important than trying to be free…more important than getting away from our problems…more important than escaping and being safe…cause I can’t live without regret if i can’t fix it…I’m not going to get wings of my own yet…I just want to cling on a little bit longer to see what will happen…if it’s a bad outcome then you know what I’ll probably do…I don’t want to but I’ll probably do it if an episode happens when it’s a bad outcome, and I want my friends to know I’m sorry for being so dependent for you to have your energy drained by my negativity, for your own problems becoming worse, for your choice of trying to help me, for all the things that I’ve caused to happen to you. I'm sorry, I love you all a lot and I care about you all.