Relissi

Even people who are nice to you want something from you and will try to extort you for it. Even the good people like Three Dog or Victoria Watts or the kind people like Moira or the people of Oasis constantly asking you for things, dangerous things, difficult decisions, you can never really catch a break. You’re trying to people please and help and feel some sort of, any sort of, connection to anyone because you are so, so lonely, all while dealing with this horrible new world you’ve been unwillingly and traumatically thrust into plus the loss of everything and one you’ve ever known.

Even Amata rejects you in the end. I can’t imagine the absolute devastation of knowing that you will never be allowed back home and that you have lost everything, every friend, every relationship, and no one is interested in fostering new ones. 

Anyways I think I fried my brain.

And not in a positive way lol like that could happen

Most of my life and all of my audit life has been a series of looking for distractions so that I'm not constantly feeling like a piece of shit.

Under 'normal' circumstances I would have multiple distractions that I could dip in and out of.

At the start of last year I could feel a waning and a thinning of the amount of interests, this eventually culminated in my looking for things that I used to be into.

This actually worked and I found something, warframe, and it completely sucked away my time. Perfect distraction, 10/10. Until it wasn't. It started tapering off at the end of last year, some updates helped keep me semi invested for a few months this year but it appears if burnt it out.

And now I've got nothing. And where before my brief best weekend dopamine hit I would be frustrated and looking for something, anything. Now, I just don't care.

It feels like a cruel joke that broke the coping mechanisms back. One dopamine 'high' and now I'm left with nothing.

I've spent the last few weeks in this strange "well this is how it's supposed to go" state where I've been doing things to try and find something that actually distracts me, and I'll just sit there do it going it'll kick in eventually. Not in a hoping way, not in a desperate way. It's like I'm going through the motions of my distraction protocol or something. Just a routine where I feel nothing.

I feel the same reading as I do playing a game as I do exercising as I do just sitting. A weird depersonalization or disassociation where I'm just, there.

Now normally if I get this down I'll go full escapism and try to think up something in my head and then nap away. But no, not even my worst coping mechanism is here. Everything just slides off.

The few things I still do now are because they waste time.

I exercised twice today, one indoor cycle and then an outdoor walk because the thought of trying to nap before work sounded too boring.

I have a new game I’m playing, for on the weekends, that is ok. It’s mediocrity is its greatest assets, it’s literally just a good distraction. The only thing novel about it is that it takes place someone where I happened to live before.

I’m contemplating taking time off from work soonish, maybe that will help, but what the fuck will I do with it? Sit there?

Sigh

I DID IT.

So if you want more revenge on the mongols as well as a wonderful story about the power of language, and how people just want to know they mattered. Also amazing art

Read Shut Hell by Yu Itoh

It has official 🇫🇷🇯🇵🇰🇷🇨🇳

But an unofficial here:

I have just gotten to the part where the GWU campus and Foggy bottom aren’t too high level and seeing “Capital University” and it’s just the downtown gwu campus and it’s almost completely right but then there’s something very wrong (like a tree in the center of University Yard) and it’s just like this bizarre uncanny valley place.

Playing the game that has an almost one-to-one recreation of the place that housed my personal torment nexus

has not

caused me crazed sorrow and tortuous pain.

It’s almost completely been reactions of. “Oh weird that’s not what that looks like.” And “holy shit I know where I am” and also

“Jesus fucking Christ that’s Thurston isn’t it?, *check map* “ew yep”

Narwhal art that I forgot to post before pride month ended </3

straight people: yeah I'm straight