Tania Qureshi

People say there's something magical in journaling. However I'm not one of those who believe in it. Ironic, really, because I've been doing it my whole life. Writing, that is. Venting till your eyes beg for me to shorten my lines. Could be you. Could be... a total stranger. But I guess there's magic in that.

Y'know, I used to feel calm looking at the sky. But it's blank right now. Sort of mocking. Feels like it's asking me "what are you searching for?"  Huh, what am I searching for? Perhaps a couple of wise words from God himself, if he's there. Or just birds. They're usually present. 

In fact I can hear them chirping right now. Distant noises.

Another thing people like to say is that birds are the most liberated of all living beings. Is it because they fly? Maybe I should get wings in my next life, note taken. Whatever the reason is, I disagree. It may seem like I'm just being a total party pooper for disagreeing with everyone but... I truly believe there's no such thing as a fully liberated being. Free in the wind. Nah, that's just fantasy.

Mama always says that happiness comes from the mind. It's a mindset, one that needs a whole lifetime to learn. Birds go through that too, right? They must've, being part of the food chain and all. I honestly think they have it worse. Think about it, for centuries, us humans put ourselves on a pedestal. Quoting the good ol' saying; We're the perfect being. It's kinda cute, actually, as if saying that implies we wouldn't be an alligator's lunch buffet if—hypothetically—they suddenly grow great consciousness and build capitalism. Y'know... like us!

Genius work.

Anyway, I'm being a bother. All I've written is what people said and not so much of what I have to say. Probably because there's nothing to tell. Well, okay, I have too much to tell. And I'm probably going to be a jerk for saying a dumb, depressing joke and justifying it because of the situation. Hard not to. Don't do it though.

Basically, I have a problem. Shocking. I know. Like I said, the sky is fishy. It would be cool if fishes actually floated around and dropped—free fish ahaha. But no, that's... that's not what I meant. Obviously.

Back to sky problem.

Ever since the current havoc started here in Jakarta, the blue and white seems more confining than it is broad. Or long story short, it feels trapping. Of course, just seeing it doesn't make me suffocate but it's sort of like being a pet goldfish, y'know? The water won't choke you but it doesn't erase the fact that it's limiting. Even though the fish can just jump right out, it'll be free but at what cost? Same stuff.

So I'm in a fishbowl. Filled with hungry fishes and a couple of us who like things aflame... We're just gonna use bikini bottom logic for this one.

Great. I feel fabulous. I always do.

So dear diary or whoever is reading this... How should I act? By keeping sane, yes, but what else? I won't lie, I'm a horribly easy person to influence. I'm only 18. My prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed yet—that, I know. My wallet isn't fat either. But at least I'm Javanese. See, that's me being a jerk. Sorry about that. Never in my life will I pray for such maddening chaos. I don't want anybody hurt—no matter our ancestry.

Still, I'm sure the sky won't fall down just yet. Not in the "Game of Thrones" or "The Truman Show" style, anyway. We're too deep in hardships for that kind of showcase. The general public, that is. Meanwhile the higher-ups are having tons of fun. A pattern we're all too familiar with.

Oh, I can see the moon now. It's half of it right now. Or... close to crescent? Can't tell, it's too far away. But it's there. Saying hi from outer space, I think. Maybe we should wait for the goddess to come down and save humanity, eh? She might want to. Whoever that'll be.

But okay.

I'm done now.

Things would have to calm down quickly if we want the usual mundane days. Even if it's lame, being mundane by justice is oftentimes better than to be dull by... whatever this is. And that's that. Stay safe, friends. Stay alert. Just know that you're not the only one wondering what'll happen, while also continuously trying to stop ourselves from finding out. Let's just see.

See you in the next chapter.