rinaraffail

Gold Necklace

I don’t have you here with me but at least I have a memory

He once broke her heart, left her struggling for her life while the sparkles in her eyes slowly started to fade. He once told himself and everyone around he was better off without her. And even today only his heart knows, that he once loved her.

I remember thinking I couldn’t live without him. He was a part of my everyday life after all, a vital organ in my system. I knew how much it would hurt to lose him. I remember how hollow I felt after he left. How I thought I knew how it would feel, but in all honesty I had never hurt that bad. I cried oceans, big salty tears accompanied by heaving sobs that filled my whole chest until I thought I was going to puke. No one had ever filled a place in my heart the way he had, no one had ever left that big of a hole in my heart the way he had. But he made his decisions, and I’ve made mine. It has been 8 months. I decided not to go back to him after he let me walk away. And if I can tell you one thing, I would say this: it DOES get better. The late night crying eases up, you start to forget the sound of his voice, and soon he just becomes what seems like a figment of your imagination. The memories stop playing on loop again and again because let’s face it, it’s over. You can’t bring him back and you can’t live in the past. 8 months ago I felt like a limb had been detached from my body. I haven’t spoken to him since and you know what? It’s the best thing to have ever happened to me. A person is not a body part or a vital organ. A person is a person. And it is so dangerous to allow someone to become this entity in your life that you think you cannot live without. No matter what you’re going through or who you are losing or who you have lost before you are strong enough to make it to the other side! There are so many things out in the world to be discovered, so many more boys to be had, and so much more room to love yourself. Roll your eyes at what I’m about to say if you want, but here I am, 8 months later still breathing without my first love by my side. It gets better, I promise.

I remember crying over you and I don’t mean a couple of tears and I’m blue. I’m talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon.