Letters To No One

You told me "forever" that's not what you meant. You used to say "always", but that was another lie.

It was only three years; A short time to spend. Blinked away in an instant; Discarded like trash. Rejected. Replaced.

I don't remember much, but you gave me my name. I can remember the stories, the sound of your voice. I remember your nicknames, the jokes, all your favorite things. After all this time, I doubt they're still the same.

You used to be so shy, afraid to speak up. You've blossomed and bloomed, and grown so much.

I've watched from afar, sending a "heart" or a "like". Just another asshole, anonymous in a sea of names.

Sometimes I wonder, if you ever think of me. If I ever cross your mind. If the times we shared ever come up. I can't believe they would. I never mattered that much.

Still I stay, frozen in time. Reliving the past. Replaying the conversations, laughing at old jokes.

It's been over ten years since you left; tore a hole in my life. I've built and rebuilt. Expanded. Rebranded. Moved along.

It's been over 10 years.

You were, as I remembered you.

Geeky, dorky, a giant nerd.

I loved you.

But seeing you broke my heart.

I never thought I would see you again.

Honestly, I thought you'd died.

And maybe you did.

How am I supposed to know.

You exterminated all your social media.

Decimated every account.

They all became ghosts.

Every page a shell of the person you used to be.

I don't know why I was thinking of you again.

Or what prompted the dream.

Maybe you were thinking of me too.

How would I know?

I still miss you from time to time.

And I know I shouldn't.

But I don't know how to stop.

I am but a composite of everyone I've known.

And that includes you.

Every time I hear my name, I think of you.

I used to love how it sounded coming out of your mouth.

I used to be your outlet, for a lot of things.

And you, the same for me.

And suddenly one day, that all stopped.

I don't remember why we grew apart.

Life just has a funny way of doing things, I guess.

The universe pushed us together, and then ripped us away.

In any case, I hope you're doing well.

And I wish you the very best.

Even if you don't think of me anymore.

The most amazing smile.

Kept hidden away.

For only the most deserving to see.

There in an instant,

And gone just as quick.

Beautiful blue eyes,

Bright as a summers day.

Crystal clear windows,

Revealing an unlikely soul.

Pushing you away,

You pull me right back.

Like the ebb and flow of the ocean.

I used to fly so free.

Now I’m scared to fall.

Scared my shell won’t protect me.

Scared my gilded wings won’t catch me.

Blindly, and with a sigh,

I reach out.

Placing my trust in you.

I blink,

And start to fall.

Air rushes over me again;

Colors swirling, sounds rushing through my head.

Lost in a world I barely know.

Your voice beckons, pulling me away,

Out of the darkness.

Blindly, I follow the sound;

The only clarity in the sea of madness,

Leading my into a world unknown.

Suddenly, a spark; a flash of light.

I start moving faster, trying to keep up.

Running around a wonderland all my own.

The spark floats away quickly,

Expediently passing me by.

I reach out to touch it, and I’m transported to a whole new world.

I wake up in a wonderland all your own.

Lost in this unfamiliar place.

Disoriented, confused.

I see your face; the crystal clear waters of a tropical vacation encapsulated within your eyes.

The world around us suddenly shifting.

No longer a wonderland of mine. Or yours.

My soul is drawn to yours.

I’ve finally found a piece of me that has been missing for a long time.

Or maybe I never had in the first place.

Colors are brighter, sounds more vivid.

The world finally makes sense.

I have recently become aware that ive become too much for you to handle.

I knew I could be a little much.

But I never thought i would push you away like this.

But i cant help it.

I had a massive crush on you...for some reason...

Clearly, I was reading too far into something that wasnt there.

And in doing so, I created a toxic environment in which you feel you cannot talk to me.

And for that, I do apologize.

It was never my intention to scare you, or make you uncomfortable.

But theres not really a whole lot I can do at this point, except removing myself from the equation.

Im sorry, TT.

I hope i havent fucked up too badly as to lose you entirely, but I think for now, its best if i am not around you...and that i do not interact with you any longer...

At least until my feelings wane and go away...

Im sorry.

I wish you the best in life, you definitely deserve it.

But i am not meant to be a part of that life for you.

Good luck in all your endeavors.

Maybe the next lifetime will be kinder to us....

Today, I got pulled aside, and lectured before the sun was even awake.

I was expected to understand and comprehend the lecture that was being presented to me.

I reluctantly agreed.

But i still dont understand.

I don't understand why you did not come to me with your concerns, first and foremost.

But instead you went directly to management.

You involved a third (possibly fourth) party...

You shared my business with someone else...someone uninvolved.

I feel betrayed.

Disappointed.

Ive created a toxic environment where you no longer feel safe to come to me with things that directly affect me.

I'm sorry you do not feel like you can trust me.

Or that you cannot talk to me.

.

.

.

.

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I was told to "take a step back" and I dont think thats the best idea.

I think the best idea is for me to leave.

To remove myself from the equation.

.

.

.

.

I do not know if i will continue to work with you, or with the team...i adore all of yall.

And I really hate to leave you high and dry.

But I cannot be around you.

And I cant ignore you forever...

Im just at a loss.

And I don't know what else to do...

My heart is aching.

This feels worse than heartbreak.

And i don't know how to process my feelings.

Or how to be around people...

Im sorry that you cannot trust me.

Im sorry that you cannot come to me.

Im sorry I did this.

I'm sorry I hyperfocused on you.

Im just sorry.

My nosferatu.

I've told you a couple of times that i talk a lot.

Hell, i've proven it.

I dont shut up.

But suddenly, i have nothing to say.

I am drawing a blank.

I graduated majoring in English (language and literature).

And just like magic,

There are no words.

.

.

.

.

I always find myself rambling when im around you.

I get nervous.

And anxious.

I always feel like im annoying you.

But i want to be around you.

I want to know everything about you.

But your want nothing to do with me.

And you've made that abundantly clear...

I think I've finally come to terms with my feelings. I think ive finally made peace with the fact that you will never love me the way I love you.

At first when you told me you would rather date my best friend if given the chance, i was hurt. I felt like my heart had shattered. I felt betrayed. But i still continued to love you, for some reason.

After some time has passed, and ive had a moment to digest the information, and reflect on it, I am happy for the both of you.

You would treat her the way she deserves to be treated. You would take care of her. You would make her happy, in a way that I dont think you could ever make me. And I am okay with that. I am finally okay with it.

Because if you love her, abd she loves you, you'll both be happy. And you'll both still be in my life. And honestly, I will be happy as long as i can continue to be present in both of your lives, and to be able to call you both my best friends.

I love you so much. And i will never stop loving you. But I do believe my love for you has evolved into more of a familial feeling than one of romance or attraction.

I adore you so much. I am very proud of the man you have become. And how far you've grown since you initially came into my life.

But i shouldnt.

I dont know why I do.

Youre never coming back.

I dont know why I still care.

We'll never mean as much as we once did.

So i dont know why I care.

I dont know why i miss you.

I dont know why my heart aches.

I haven't been completely honest with you.

No, I've not lied.

I've never lied.

But i haven't told you the entire truth, either.

I told you I was having seizures, and that's why you stopped seeing me so often.

That's only partly true.

I mean, it's definitely a thing, a scary thing, that was happening, and I think I have under control now.

But I ran because I was trying to escape my feelings.

I was in love with you.

But you were in a relationship.

And I didn't want to overstep my bounds.

I was hesitant to tell you how I felt.

I was scared you would not feel the same way.

I was apprehensive about how my secret would affect our friendship.

And I couldn't bear the heartbreak that might have been associated with any of that.

So I ran.

But I kept the music playing.

I kept reminding myself.

I kept torturing myself.

And now I'm back.

I've told you my deepest secret.

You're still my best friend.

And I still love you more than anything; it's just too late to do anything about it now.

So I'll stay by your side.

As long as you stay by mine.

And I'll hope that one day my decade long wish will become reality.

I love you so much.

Please be safe.

Make choices.

Recently a little fish swam through the grapevine and told me that you’re in your current relationship because your partner showed interest in you, oh so long ago. And apparently it had been so long since someone showed interest in you, that you felt compelled to proceed with a relationship. (Which only confirms my theory that you’re only in your relationship out of necessity, but that’s neither here nor there…)

But let me ask you something, do you ||have sex|| with someone you have no interest in? Because last time I checked it had to be a mutual agreement between consenting adults. But yet, it had been so long since anyone had expressed interest in you. 🤔 Or maybe you thought my feelings had waned and gone away.

I have loved you since the day I met you. You kicked down the walls I put up around myself, and introduced yourself. I introduced myself with a dumb nickname that you still use to this day, and are the only person alive that still does. And you began to sing. Your voice beckoned me out of my fortress, and I’ve been following the sound of the music ever since.

Now, maybe it’s because we had ||been drinking|| that night, and maybe I might have ||made the drink a little strong, but you were not drunk. Far from it.|| Perhaps, you meant that no one had shown interest in you since that night (which I genuinely find hard to believe…you’re gorgeous, but I digress). And granted, I had stepped away for a cosmic minute (roughly 7 years…and that’s on me) but it was to work on my physical and mental health so that I could make sure I kept my promise to you.

But I’ve told you how I feel, how I’ve felt, and now it’s too late to do anything about it…but I don’t think you understand how much it hurts to love you day in and day out, and you go on thinking that no one had any interest in you.

I love you so dearly, so sweetly, so truly.

I have never felt this way about anyone I’ve ever known.

In this lifetime, or any other.

You are my soulmate.

My other half.

The piece of me that has been missing for so long.

My dearest, my sweetness, my love.

Your scent intoxicates me.

Your voice entraces me.

Your embrace secures me.

I am whisked away to a world unknown.

But I never want to leave.

Because you are with me.

And I, with you.

And being apart hurts more

than watching you fall

in fake love

with users and abusers.

My darling, my king, my angel.

You’ve shown me what love can feel like.

I’ve loved you forever.

In every lifetime, I will choose you.

Regardless of if you choose me.

We fit so perfectly, in each other’s arms.

I miss you when you’re away.

I’m sorry to have hurt you.

I wish I could take it all back.

I wish I were in your life, oh so long ago.

Maybe then we would have had a chance.

But life held us a distance away.

And now I am at a loss.

Hoping, and wishing, and praying

That you’ll see.

How good we are together,

You were doing what makes you happiest.

You had a shite day, full of anger and resentment.

But I was able to bring a smile to your beautifully dimpled cheeks.

As you played your music and I sat crocheting, everything felt right with the world for once.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I rubbed your shoulders, massaging them and hoping you would relax.

You put a stop to it, and asked instead for a hug.

You hugged me tight, and the world melted around me.

I felt safe in your arms, and for once nothing mattered.

I wish that moment would last forever,

but we had to return to the real world.

So you could continue to do what brings you joy.

Oh so long ago.

Brought together by fate, maybe.

Or destiny; I don’t know.

We eventually fell apart.

For such a long time.

Days ended up turning to years.

The blame is mostly mine.

I never stopped thinking about you.

And the time that we shared.

I wanted to come back sooner.

And show you how much I cared.

But the past can’t be fixed.

It’s been long gone.

We must continue down our path.

And eventually move on.

Now is now and it’s the present tense.

I want to make this last.

To enjoy the time we spend together.

Though it’s always over too fast.

I’m happy to be back.

As a piece of your life.

I want to stay by your side.

Because being away feels like a knife.

Rebuilding our relationship.

There’s so much to say.

I know I will never be your best friend.

And that’s okay.

I know there are people more worthy of that title.

And that’s fine.

I will never be your best friend.

I’m happy to make you happy.

Even if it’s not in the way I want.

I’m happy to have you in my life.

It’s been a decade already.

Where did the time go?

I was gone for a good portion of that.

I hate that I missed out on so many important things.

I was dealing with my own stuff.

Stuff I couldn’t have you around for.

Stuff that would only have gotten more complicated.

So I stopped showing up.

I stopped messaging.

And calling.

But I never stopped listening.

Your voice led me home.

It led me back to you.

I never forgot you.

And I can’t afford to forget you.

You are my sanity.

My happiness.

I’ve never felt happier than when I’m with you.

You fill my soul with such elation.

And I cannot imagine what my life would be like, without you in it.

I am less fidgety.

And more scatterbrained.

But calm.

And peaceful.

Being around you immediately changes my mood.

Hearing your voice makes me swoon.

I get light headed.

I cannot breathe.

I feel like I’m flying.

But not afraid of falling.

I trust you implicitly.

You take away all my fears.

And I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side.

You truly make me a better person.

By simply being in my life.

And by existing at the same time as me.

I’m happy that you’re happy.

And happy I can make you happy.

Even if it’s not the way I want.

I’ve always been a giver.

Willing to sacrifice to make people happy.

Always putting what I want aside to provide for others.

That means putting my feelings aside.

While you don’t want me.

Hoping that someday.

You will want me.

I won’t be cast aside.

And I’ll be able to make you as happy as you make me.

But who knows if that day will ever even come.

I’ve never felt you as happy as I did.

When you told me those words.

“I’m happy you’re back in my life”

Who would’ve known that seven little words would have had such a grand effect on me?

I felt your heart.

It aligned with mine.

And I almost cried at the sound of those words.

Happy cries.

But no less.

You bring so much joy into my life.

So much light.

And so much happiness.

I never want to lose you.

I’m happy you’re happy.

And I’m happy I make you happy.

I’m happy you’re back in my life, too.

And I promise I won’t leave again.

You make me a better person, but only when I'm at my worst, and the only place left to go is up.

I don't know why I love you.

My apologies, I promised I would never lie to you.

And I just did.

I do know why I love you.

Its because you're me.

From another timeline.

Another universe.

Another life.

Or maybe we were forged from the same star, oh so long ago.

And thats why we drift back to each other.

Time and time again.

We always seem to find one another.

When we need each other most.

I would not trade you for anyone. Ever.

Because you are my soulmate.

A kindred spirit, dancing in and out of my life.

We are meant to be.

But I can't tell you that.

You will never know.

And nothing will ever change.

So I'll keep drifting in and out.

Reminiscing about the past.

While I watch you from afar.

I told you Im always happy to just be around you.

I also told you ive been in love with you since I met you.

Your answer to both statements was "aaaw" with a chuckle.

You told me to stop thinking so much, but youve known me for so long already.

You know i cant shut my brain up.

Lately, ive just been thinking about 7 years ago.

7 years ago, she left you.

You were shattered.

If i was there for you, maybe we could have had a shot.

If I was around, I could have told you how i felt.

And if I was in your life, my situation would definitely be different.

But now youve been with this new her for 6 years.

And Im still in love with you.

I have been from the beginning.

But my feelings dont matter.

I just need to stop thinking so much.

I just need to shut my brain up.

But the only thing, the only person that has ever been able to get me to shut up, or open up, has been you.

Its always been you.

Ive never wanted anyone the way I want you.

Or as badly.

I cry everytime I see you, because i miss you when we're apart, and im so happy to see you again.

But also because I know youll never love me.

Youve saved me, youre the reason im alive.

But now, youre killing me.

Why keep me alive, just to watch me suffer?

To torture me?

Or just so that you can be the reason I die, too...?

I love you so much.

There are no words for the way I feel.

And I hate feeling like this.

But i dont know how to stop...

What do i do?

Because ive tried everything.

Even trying to fall for someone else.

But i still keep coming back.

I keep following the music, it always leads me right to you.

Every time.