Welcome to the Void

Alternative (Better Plot) for Good Omens season 3

To begin with, we see a glimpse of Aziraphale in heaven as supreme archangel. We go through and see some of the changes he's made: maybe a little tea and cocoa counter that absolutely nobody but him is using and, most importantly, he's put the book of life on display. Michael and others vehemently disagree with that decision but Aziraphale is supreme archangel so they can't really do much. 

Now earth, Crowley is back in his apartment, drunk and yelling at his plants. He isn't being very menacing. In fact, he seems very sad and ends up crying about being left behind. 

We see some stuff about humans... specifically we see Adam Young on the hunt for something in London. 

Back to Heaven, they are beginning to work on Jesus's resurrection and return to Earth (he's sitting around waiting for someone to talk to him: maybe he is enjoying the tea bar) when ALARMS GO OFF! Everybody running and scrambling around not sure what is happening! Then finally Uriel reveals that they are the ones who rang the alarm: the book of life is missing. 

Aziraphale declares they have to postpone the second coming until they find the book of life because of how important it is. He apologizes to Jesus who looks very confused. 

The angels investigate and they find evidence that points to one demon in dark sunglasses. Aziraphale tries to insist that Crowley would never and then they pull up the security footage which reveals a disheveled, drunk Crowley having broken into Heaven and stolen the book of life. 

Aziraphale tries to insist that he is the most qualified to go down and confront Crowley (he is the one who understands Earth best, Crowley is immune to holy water as Michael confirms so they can't exactly fight him, and Aziraphale has been battling Crowley since the beginning). The other angels insist that Aziraphale can't leave, they have another agent who is already on Earth afterall. 

Cut to Muriel who has very clearly spent ages reading. They are hyping themselves up because they just received their orders from Heaven: to confront Crowley and find the Book. They go out into the world, in the background a Bentley sits by the curb. 

Cut to a compilation of Muriel running around talking to all the humans asking them if they've seen Crowley and or and weird old book. Ironically, a lot of people point Muriel to A.Z. Fell's bookshop. Muriel returns there a little worse for wears and finds Crowley drunk on the doorstep passed out. 

Up in Heaven, a second alarm is going off. Aziraphale is frazzled. Turns out this alarm is because Jesus is missing. They check the cameras, he's gone down to earth. The other angels reluctantly agree to send down Aziraphale. Meanwhile, Michael gets on her phone to inform her contacts in Hell about the missing book of life. Very sinister. 

Meanwhile Muriel is trying to sober up Crowley. They are using methods they mostly found in books, none of them are working. The door opens and in comes Aziraphale slightly frantic. He demands to know what Crowley thinks he's doing. Crowley beginning yelling about being left behind, Aziraphale begins to apologize when:

Crowley: No! Not you, you idiot! The Bentley!

Aziraphale: The Bentley?

Crowley, miserably: It ran away. 

Aziraphale: Ran away? It's out there on the curb!

Crowley: Wont let me in, wont go anywhere... I need a drink. 

Aziraphale absolutely forbids Crowley from taking another sip and informs the demon that the book of life is gone, angels in Heaven know that Crowley did it, and Jesus is missing. 

Crowley is stunned, his sunglasses actually start to fall off his face. Crowley sobers up and gets up. The two agree to search for Jesus, neither mentions the book. 

Jesus has made his way to a coffee shop and is sitting and drinking tea when Adam Young appears and seems very relieved to see him (Adam had been on the phone with Pepper asking about Dog because she is dog sitting). It turns out they have a lot to talk about. 

Another compilation: this time it's of Heaven and Hell all gathering and getting ready for the second coming. I'm thinking war paint and dramatic screaming into the camera, passing out weapons, etc. 

We go back to Crowley and Aziraphale. They are both looking at the Bentley arguing about how they should go about getting in. Aziraphale wants to just walk up to it and Crowley insists that is a terrible idea and that the car will never allow it. Aziraphale gets fed up and goes to the car... the car moves away. They begin chasing the car around, neither are successful. This triggers an emotional moment in which Crowley and Aziraphale actually talk about everything that happened and apologize to one another and hug.

The Bentley comes back and opens its door. 

The next scene shows them driving around London looking for Jesus. They have a bit of an awkward moment where they start to talk about the kiss, but then a storm breaks out. Fish rain from the sky. We zoom out and find the forces of Heaven and Hell beginning to arrive. 

We see them face off against one another... and then something happens. The storm rages above them. Adam and Jesus walk up. We get to see a moment in which they face off against Heaven and Hell and essentially scolded them because HOW DARE THEY STILL BE DOING THIS NONSENSE ON OUR PLANET! 

Crowley and Aziraphale drive up. They step out of the car.  Crowley has the book of life. 

Adam immediately jumps on it, gasping and demanding to know where the demon got it. 

Anthony J. Crowley puts on the performance of his life. Reminding Hell and Heaven that they had demanded to be left alone. And now their Side has the book. Aziraphale steps around and a little wave. 

Aziraphale summons a thing of fire and Crowley opens the book and begins paging through the pages, narrating the pages he's flipping through (they are in alphabetical order). He reaches Heaven and Hell. Heaven and Hell are ordered to drop their weapons and leave. ("I think it would be best if you left us alone. Don't you?") 

Crowley points out that this is their second warning. Heaven and Hell leave. 

Once they are gone, Aziraphale and Crowley sort of deflate, amazed that their plan worked. 

Jesus looks around and asks what's up with the book of life. He reveals that there is no book of life. Crowley and Aziraphale hesitate and then reveal the truth...

FLASHBACK to about a year ago! Aziraphale is shown leaving from Heaven and stomping his way through a building. He knocks on a door... it opens and reveals a very sober Crowley who has been madly cleaning his flat. 

Aziraphale shoulders past and demands a drink. Crowley, at a loss, brings out the wine. They drink for a while. Crowley is significantly more sober than Aziraphale who will not stop complaining about how awful Heaven is and all the funny things he's done (he takes great joy in describing the reaction of every angel when they go past the tea bar he set up). Somehow the book of life is brought up and Aziraphale reveals that the book doesn't actual exist. It really was a story to scare the cherubs. They talk about how scared Heaven and Hell are of something that doesn't exist... 

That triggers an idea. They look at one another and the heist begins. Yes they are still drunk. 

It's revealed that setting up the book of life was part of the plan. It's actually just a blank fancy notebook. They use a joint miracle to convince everyone the book is real. Later, Aziraphale as Crowley steals the book and delivers it to Crowley who is waiting in the elevator. They switch back and fuck with the camera so that no one sees Aziraphale at all.