Ricky was by his side in an instant, tapping out a breathing pattern on his collarbone with one hand and rubbing circles into his back with the other, and god he hated being this weak to need help how can he call himself a director—
“Breathe.” The voice was quiet and was almost drowned out by his thoughts, but EJ grasped onto the syllable as best he could, and he gulped up so much air like it was water, exhaling reluctantly because honestly that was more oxygen than he needed.
There was nothing there, only Ricky, only understanding and concern and caring.
“Are you ever going to actually say anything?” EJ choked out as his breathing evened out bit by bit. It was so quiet and he was drowning and it felt like he was back home and alone and trapped and there was too much distance he was all alone again he’d always be alone no matter what he did god he’s such a mess—
Ricky opened and closed his mouth. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Reassurance has proven to make people feel worse,” Ricky said to the floor. “It prob’ly has to do with “people believe that I’ll do well what if I fail I’ll fail them too” or something. Might be wrong.”
EJ blinked. What does this have to do with it?
“What do you think that we, the cast, expect from you?” Ricky asked, looking up to meet his gaze. There’s no malice in his tone or in his face, only genuine concern that made EJ’s throat close up.
“I—” he tried, but choked on the single letter. It propped his mouth open, but nothing else could come out.
Ricky looked briefly at his face—not his eyes though, below them—with what looked like wistfulness and a tad bit of regret. There was a brief bit of hesitation before lips ghosted EJ’s forehead. “You’ll always fail if your expectations don’t allow mistakes,” Ricky said, eyes avoiding his own in favor of looking at the wall. “When’s the last time you’ve let yourself make a mistake instead of beating yourself up over it?”
“I—can’t remember,” EJ whispered, and oh, that hurt Ricky to hear.
Ricky reached out to squeeze his hand once before letting go. “It’s normal to make mistakes. It’s expected. Please, please don’t burn yourself out trying to squeeze out any and all room for mistakes. You’ll need the energy for when they happen, because they will happen.” He stood up.
“Don’t go.” The words were out in a rush, surprising both Ricky and EJ.
“Okay,” Ricky said. Neither knew where to go from there.
“I—uhm—can I have a hug?” EJ stumbled over his words.
Ricky’s eyes softened in that absolutely adorable way, wrapping his arms around EJ as a silent ‘yes’.
i know there wasnt really like,, kissing,, i just decided Yes I Shall Interpret This Because Writing Panic Attacks Is My Jam
also scrolled up and wait you had ricky knowing how to handle panic attacks WHOOPSIES
sorry bout that chief lol
i,, added to it at least? lol
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