she was beautiful and young

At looong last over ~5 years(!), I've finally finished my multi-chapter fanfic Golden Auroras, which features Mrs. Coulter tagging along with Lyra throughout the events of The Subtle Knife:

Comprehension entered Lyra's gaze now as she glanced from Mrs. Coulter to the monkey to the portal and then back again. Pan fluttered back down to the tip of her shoulder, leering over at Mrs. Coulter, too. "I suppose there's no way to avoid it," Mrs. Coulter said after a few beats, aware of the Magisterial forces inching closer and closer. "We'll have to go through." — or— What if Mrs. Coulter had seen Lyra on the mountain in Svalbard, and what if Lyra had been too tired to fight? A story of Mrs. Coulter and Lyra sticking together through the events of The Subtle Knife, in which Mrs. Coulter wants to be better.

You can read the chapter here, and check out the first chapter if you haven't come across it before!

This fic has been a fun one to write, and I've written it across several periods of my life from a 25 year-old PhD student living with my mom during the pandemic to (currently) a 30-year old academic with a house engaged to a wonderful woman (and our dog currently snuggled next to me as I post this update).

Life is so wild, y'all. It's quite an adventure, just like this fic. I'm so happy to have finally had the time and muse to finish it and to make my grand return to the world of HDM and fanfc writing :)

A light chill filled the air as Lyra stepped outside, eyes adjusting to the blare of the sun as Pan curled against her neck as an ermine, staying close.

“Here, my love.”

Her mother was guiding her, grasping her arm softly and nudging her along. Lyra hadn’t left the cabin in a long while—weeks, perhaps, or maybe a month. Her legs felt numb and stiff as she moved forward, soles of her feet crunching against some kind of gravel. 

Are we on a road? Pan asked, barely able to discern their surroundings himself as they moved forward, warmth and heat touching their skin and fur.

Lyra didn’t know, and she said and thought nothing as Mrs. Coulter continued to lead her, a soft fragrance whirling through Lyra’s nostrils as they continued down some sort of travel path.

I watched the livestream of the NYCC where Dafne said this season explores Lyra's love for her mother, which is a new feeling to portray as so much of what we've seen is Lyra's hatred of her. In season 1 she's running away from her, in season 2 she's avoiding her while nonetheless being brought face-to-face with her. Throughout the books, too, we only ever see Lyra's raw emotions and disgust of her mother's work, even though having a mother is the one thing Lyra always wanted and never had (and now so cruelly has in a way she doesn't want).

They also said Lyra is asleep for most of her time with Mrs. Coulter in s3, which makes me wonder if the time skip happens *after* that or if Mrs. Coulter keeps her (mostly) asleep, waking her up every now and again to see how she'll react, to give her a chance, to tell her something and do something motherly with her before she gathers herself and if after 3 years of this Lyra grows attached in a way she can't comprehend.

I've always been a fangirl, before I even knew what that was. When I was little, I was obsessed with A Bug's Life and used to draw little stick figure motion books. I'd scribble the ants running around or talking to each other, rescuing someone or falling over something. As I got older, this obsession didn't really fade. I continued to become obsessed with things, like utterly and entirely obsessed with TV shows and actors and stories. Of these obsessions was one of my earliest and most favorites: His Dark Materials.

I happened upon the trilogy as a middle school teen looking for something to do after school. My local bookstore salesperson recommended I read this series because she thought I might enjoy it. Indeed, I did. There were daemons and armored bears and witches and, yes, a beautiful and mysterious woman I couldn't stop thinking about. Marisa Coulter captured me just like she captured all those children. I kept thinking about her life and her motives and her connection to Lyra. How did she become the way she was? We only got her POV in book 3. What was she thinking all that time living with Lyra? How did she view the events that happened? What if she had done even the slightest thing differently? How would that change the story and her relationship with Lyra?

To satiate my desire to know these things, I started writing little stories about her on pieces of paper in my school notebooks. I didn't know that fandom was a thing or that ao3 or ffnet existed, so I just kept to myself. I annoyed some friends and made them read my ideas, but I was alone in my obsessive pursuits.

It was like this for a long while, even into high school and then college. My dirty little secret; my strange thing nobody else would even understand. At some point, however, I *did* discover that ffnet was a thing. There was an entire site dedicated to people writing about books and TV shows! And there was even a space for HDM! So, I started to post my stories there. I did this for years, without realizing that spaces like tumblr and twitter existed as well. I was half in yet half out, here yet not. But I was happy. Sharing my thoughts and stories made me happy. It was enough for me, even though I was actually missing out.

I joined this tumblr space during the pandemic in late 2020, when I was well into my doctoral studies. Like a lot of people, I found myself displaced during this time, moving states to return home to ride out this uncertainty. I didn't see anyone except my immediate family. I couldn't access my university's library to do my research the way I wanted. I worked on my PhD qualifying exams and then my dissertation every single day in this weird isolated void, with the days bleeding into one another like bad dreams.

And then I remembered, suddenly, that HDM was returning for season 2. And I wondered if there were people out there who were talking about it.

So then I found this space. A friend encouraged me to start a tumblr, as it was a place for fans to connect and had content I'd probably like to see. I started this blog literally knowing nothing and no one. I simply wanted to talk about HDM and share my stories and read other stories. I hoped it would be a place for me. I slowly learned more about how things worked (although still hardly know and am the queen of the faux pas !), and then season 2 aired and I found myself going completely feral here with other people. At long last, I had a community of people who were just as excited as I was. I didn't feel embarrassed about my undying love for Marisa Coulter. I felt heard. I felt seen. I felt at home.

I joined a discord server and met amazing people through that. After more consideration, I made a Twitter account and met even MORE people, including an incredible woman I actually fell in love with and now have a long-term, serious relationship with. Because of fandom. Because I decided to make an account and see if other people like me were out there talking about HDM.

My PhD is finished now. After the hype of season 2 I had to buckle down and finally finish my dissertation. I had to apply for jobs, too, and somehow found one. And then I worked on another academic book and some articles, and what was once weekly fic updates and oneshots became distant memories of a freer and less inhibited time.

But I made it. I'm a whole new person now. A doctor, actually (something Marisa Coulter wasn't allowed to be). And I'm so thankful for the role fandom has played in this journey, in what it has given me and provided me not only during my PhD but for my future moving forward.

Fandom will always have a special place in my heart. I might not be as active as I used to be, during that strange pandemic era where time seemed to still. But I'm here, in the ways I can be, and I'm so excited for season 3 of HDM that my heart very well might BURST!

Friday, most self-indulgent fic you have ever posted? Okay, I said previously One Kernel at a Time, but I'll also add Show You. In this one, Mary admits to Marisa she's never actually been kissed before and Marisa "shows" her how it's done. I...wrote that for me and for ALL of us who have ever had a crush on Marisa Coulter 😅

August, are any of your fics associated with certain genres/artists/songs? I had to think about this, but I really don't think so! I don't often write based on music, but I did just recently write The Sea and the Stars based entirely on and around the poem "Saltwater" by Finn Butler that is worth sharing here in full because I just think it is so incredibly beautiful:

Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.

And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know

sometimes

you cannot even breathe deeply, and

the night sky is no home, and

you have cried yourself to sleep enough times

that you are down to your last two percent, but

nothing is infinite,

not even loss.

You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day

you are going to find yourself again.

September, share a comment or review that still warms your heart? Oh, this is such a HARD one because literally every comment means so much to me! I feel so humbled at the time people take to read my work and their kindness in sharing their thoughts. My heart warms every time (and long after stays warm!). If I had to choose one, though, I keep thinking back to this comment a guest left on The Duty of The Old:

normally reading grief/trauma triggers me but this is done with so much sensitivity that I feel comfortable enough to read it so thank you🥰