Not!Hayden

-two friends who are twin sisters and are both at sleepaway camp

-best friend who i hang out with all the time but he was busy the entirety of last week and is only free two days this week

-girl who rejected me but we’re still friends (i got over her but it feels awkward to ask to hang out)

all my other friends are like

eh

like i enjoy their presence but i would not choose to hang out with them outside of the school year

summer is making me realize that i only have like three/four friends who i would willingly hang out with

we literally spend all our free time together and up until friday he was the only person i’ve hung out with all summer

like i was worried i was starting to catch feelings for him but now im pretty sure of it

but like we’re guys so we’re always acting gay around each other so idk if he likes me back but lately he’s been asking me a lot “you don’t like me, do you?” and i don’t know if that’s because he’s worried i like him because he doesn’t or is asking because he does

hmm…internet archive, how to play green day, wikipedia, all about birds, SaSu—

what was that ?

would my school have an assembly for me? a memorial like they did for the teacher that died? or would my suicide become a mere murmur in the halls, something that would be brushed off as “such a shame” because “he seemed so happy”

how long would it take for life to return to normal? a few months? weeks? days? would it ever have changed in the first place?

would my best friend speak at my funeral? what would he say about me? would he tell everyone what i told him?

how would our friend group change? would it feel empty without me? or would everyone breathe a sign of relief that the annoying nerdy guy isn’t bothering them with stuff they don’t care about?

who would replace me in our band? i’m not that amazing of a guitarist despite what my friends say, but the other guitarists in our class aren’t as good as me. at least not the ones who would want to join our band. would they mention me at the start of every performance?

you arrived home from an almost twenty four hour journey from kazakhstan, with a layover in istanbul

you couldn’t sleep, as usual. maybe the jet lag made it worse. you pulled an all nighter. you’re not tired.

you didn’t take a shower last night. you didn’t feel like it. it was one am. who takes a shower at one am?

you go to the bathroom and take a shower as quietly as possible so as to not wake your family. you don’t dry your hair.

you go downstairs to the kitchen to make the quietest breakfast possible. yogurt. some berries. nothing to drink. you eat it in silence as the warm sun pours in through the window.

it’s 6:29. you finish your yogurt and your berries. you go up to your room. you have class at twelve thirty. they told you to get there early. you watch tron: uprising while sewing yourself a new binder because the old one you made was falling apart.

like i wanna practice capturing personalities and get rid of my same face syndrome and i thought why not draw my friend group but like