[no beers in] do you think im ever going to belong somewhere

Item: Inappropriate Douglas

it really is fucking pathetic that a country with more guns than people can't hit one guy

if this is how you found out there was an active shooter at the White House yesterday I'm sorry

I don’t have any disorders these are all symptoms of being a vampire

i love you semicolon. no one look at my 80 word sentence

dead wife montage but it's a henchman reminiscing about da boss after he got put six feet under. picking flowers before hiding the bodies, wiping cocaine from your nose after a big night, that long drive down the beach to find the bookie who squealed. where did the days go

god's weakest soldier is scrolling tumblr instead of being productive or participating in any of their hobbies

hate when I type :) and this 🙂 fucker appears. Go away you evil soul

i really like how the milkman exists as an entirely fossilized character who now serves no purpose other than to fuck people's wives for the punchline

my mum just answered a spam phone call with "catholic horse cemetery how can I help you"

nuclear family radiation poisoning

“scientists don’t want you know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because if you actually meet a scientist they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know