Listen:

i don't know if i'm pretty when i cry but i swallow wasted time i force it down my throat i want to watch glass stuck in windpipes but my reflection cries when she sees me again is she even awake to feel cheap crisis i want to feed it intravenous appel du vide until it snaps its own neck unless she's just a somniphobic bitch in a coma.

i cut my life open watch i want ultraviolence and she wants to die anywhere else but here you never cried and he drank the kool-aid and i once got bothered by the whole world until my present became empty dopamine so watch watch my concorde fallacy it's so alive like i've never been.

it was mine and i cried with the sky in my eyes for some time the present breathed inside me again if i wake her will it be comme un coup bref que je frappais sur la porte du hier

it isn't real just an empty nightmare and i want i need to let my bones break half-awake but i can't i can't i can't watch it wither away maybe it's just weak nerves snapping but it's mine now and it never was i'm selfish enough to say better you die than i better you die than i see, it's all the same slowly becoming dear to me and i am still starving but i want to fucking tear the hand that feeds me apart

remember empty letters burning bright remember they are all faceless pretty blight premature sundown i am alive you can n ever make it right

i am sick of myself and yesterday something was alive for me though they were just quieting words that cut my throat but today i nearly fainted in the daylight i fade away for nothing, i walk through this dream phantomwise my body hates me enough now never seen by waking eyes i hate my sleep and i hate the day, i'd be pleased a simple tale to hear but all the names i know are phantom bodies i once imagined and still wish i could kill, i'm dreaming as the days go by i watch my empty trauma nestle near dreaming as my wonderland atrophies.  

it's a blind illusion still still i believe in muted ghosts passing through my sleep tell me about action at distance do you even believe in this waste of living when nobody is my dream

i am free to drift nowhere no life reaches out to grab me or i just don't feel it anymore it's still inside me a cataleptic past do they all play along or have i gone blind here among weak echoes pretending to live but i've gathered words that drained of colour until they were mine no one needs to know that i dread the day my little illness breaks that i imagine breathing inside my shell shocked mind nothing is ever enough and only accidents like me survive.

emptiness still born I AM          DROWNING in stillness i'll be nothing without it i'll be nothing because it is still dear to me if only she didn't she didn't give it to me, leave because this is not your dream you did your best so hate it you may have lived uncomfortably but i'm only blank because you left my hands empty.

Are you even listening? I break more with every fucking word shame no need to be so cynical have you heard what people said about you it will hurt but I’ll tell you you’re not a genius yet and we are still on the same level intellectually except you, mother are deaf, dumb and blind and you have killed me early enough but now you are surprised that I still mourn you revolting bitch I felt ashamed how I pity you then eat your pity that organic closeness we had was fake your concern is fake and your love was stillborn or aborted you think I should get out but there’s not much going on you can’t love my sadness and when I was happy you killed it, too and I may be your accident but I don’t exist for you.

i am sorry for every broken promise i couldn't keep and i am sorry that this sick grief pushed me to my knees to scream until i felt hollow emotions snapping, i don't want them to be mine and i hate the beauty that i see in it - my father said 'my mother died' and i i cried for her and myself, 'she still had the will and happiness to live,' he said 'but her body fell apart and took it away' - father i am sorry that it's autumn again.