♤

Like dumb teenagers often do - the four of you did everything together - legal or not.

Morally, it strained you since you've never quite grew accustomed to the change of not thinking before you did something and just doing it.

But you thought that maybe like that, you could relate to him more - maybe even pique his interest.

Deep inside you, you knew the chances were slim but you couldn't help but continue to try to engage with his interests hoping to somehow learn more about him.

To be more appealing to him, or rather just simply to spend time with him and hear his voice speak with excitement about whatever he liked.

Somewhere amongst all that , you noticed your heart would start racing whenever your eyes met or whenever you felt him get close to you and you've soon come to the realisation that you were in too deep.

It made you envious to see how Draken and Emma always got along so well. You knew they must be soulmates by the simple way they held hands, the way they laughed togetger and looked at eachother - the mutual understanding.

You and Mikey got along but never like that. It never felt like a double date situation like in the movies, it always felt more like 3rd wheeling with the exception it wasn't awkward.

Not at all, it was actually fun and you lived some of your best memories with the 3 of them over the summer but you couldn't help but crave more time with with just you and him , you wanted to tell Mikey that you fell for him.

You wanted to so badly that it filled up so much space in your mind you felt like you'd explode holding onto your feelings any further.

And as summer came to an end, you exchanged new phone numbers before you moved away to another city for university with a promise tainting your lips, a promise that you'd come back for him.

You went on with your life as normal, back to doing things by the book, passing all your classes with good grades.

Not smoking, not drinking, not attending the frat parties you got invited to because you had your heart set on one thing and one thing only.

It made you feel like you're going insane sometimes while waiting for the first opportunity to come up where you'd be able to catch a train home and finally confess - to lift the weight off your shoulders.

The semester came to an end and you and Mikey had kept in contact just as you promised you would - sending eachother texts regularly but you haven't called ever since you left.

You haven't heard his voice since and you couldn't lie to yourself, you missed it. The way he spoke to you and told you to hold tighter onto him while riding on the back of his bike, the way his laugh sounded - you couldn't wait to hear it all again.

When you told him you'll be coming back home soon, he asked if you had let Emma know.

You told him no in hopes he'd understand but instead he said ' we'll surprise her ' which made you sigh at his oblivion as you held onto your luggage and got on the train.

He offered to pick you up from the station and you'd have expected to see his bike parked up in the lot but instead, he was sat on the hood of his new car, looking into space as you approached him.

Although it was only small details, you couldn't help but think how things are constantly changing with him and you haven't been around to see it.

He looked more tired, more rough than before - dark eyes that lost their glint catching yours before he pulled you into a tight hug with a half smile, arms wrapped around your waist.

Has he always been this cold to the touch ? It was quite strange, as tight as the embrace was you it was like you couldn't feel any warmth coming from his body.

' I missed you '

He felt different but when you heard the small whisper coming from him as he slowly let you go, you melted instantly.

You didn't want to let him go, you couldn't stop your heart from beating looking over in the drivers seat trying to read his mind like you'd ever be able to predict him.

You never succeed, you just liked to try.

" Can we stop by our old spot ? " You asked, and he nodded with a smile, responding normally before continuing to catch up with you, the natural flow of the conversation making the journey feel shorter.

Once you reached the destination which was on the roof of an old building near a lake, the two of you sat on the ledge and looked at the setting sun reflecting onto the water, the silence finally falling and seemingly growing with each passing minute.

Anxiously, you tapped your fingers on the concreate making him take notice, placing his hand on top of yours and tilting his head in confusion, your name escaping from his lips with a smile.

" What is it ? "

Suddenly, you felt your breath hitch and your words stutter as your eyes met and you immediately turned away from him, feeling your cheeks grow hotter.

You had your doubts, you shouldn't say it - you knew you shouldn't ...but you needed to.

Because if there's even a small chance, you'd rather take it.

" Mikey, i think i'm in love with you " You blurt out suddenly , finally turning back to face him.

He sat there, a blank expression on his face before looking towards the lake again, slowly retracting his hand from yours.

" Oh - fuck "

Your stomach sank as soon as you felt his fingers slip away, the expression on his face completely unchanged but you notice the smile fading slightly.

This was it.

As expected as it was, it made your heart break much more than you could have ever predicted.

Why did you even try in the first place? You knew him and knew what you were getting yourself into.

He was never the type to love.

" I'm sorry - forget that "

You fumbled with your skirt, getting ready to stand up when he grabbed you and pulled you close, his hand wrapped around your shoulder with a chuckle.

" Don't apologise, i just... don't feel - you know " He stumbles on his words and your head sinks into his shoulder, a knot forming in your throat.

" Ah - no, i know "

" ... because i'm in love with someone else "

You raised your head off his shoulder and looked away and you couldn't control the tears that started to flow down your cheeks .

This was worse than rejection.

This feeling is what you imagined hell must feel right, you felt it weaken your whole body.

" I hope it works out for you, 'jiro " Your voice breaks unintentionally and once you turn around to face him again, you were met with a sad smile.

" Thank you "

It was quiet once you got back in the car, an unusual silence fell and it made you think even more.

Why has he not spoken ? Could it be you ruined even the friendship the two of you had ?

You cussed yourself out looking out the window, you knew you should of just kept your mouth shut.

Now it was all fucked.

When he dropped you off to your old house, you waved goodbye with a big fake smile but once you shut that front door, you felt your legs go weak and your chest burning as you let your tears fall, your body falling on the floor exhausted.

As strange as it was, you couldn't help but be intrigued almost - he always looked your way, sipping on his black coffee before going back to reading, seemingly absorbed into the same exact book for the past 3 weeks.

It looked like a short book, granted you couldn't make out the title to look into it but you began to wonder if this guy was just re-reading the same story over and over or you could just be seeing things.

Why does he drink half of his coffee and then add extra ice cubes to top it off again ? There seemingly was not one logical reason behind the way he did things, you didn't bother too much trying to decypher him - there would be no point after all, he was just a regular customer.

But even so, he tipped so well you couldn't imagine what department his job could would be in, always wearing dark coloured suits and nice jewellery.

He always did so in an envelope, slipping it behind the counter before leaving every time - it was always when you were busy and couldn't turn it down like you usually would.

Although, turning down such a large sum of money would be foolish for anyone on a minimum wage barista job.

He was a looker for sure, maybe that's what caught your attention at first - the suit, the tall lean figure and the way he spoke, the sound of his voice.

He didn't strike you as the type of man that would enjoy reading - and not necessarily because of the intimidating hand tattoos or the yellow streaks in his hair.

Although those played a part in your impression as well, the most interesting thing you found was how he refused to give out his name when he ordered - rather preferring to stick to the letter H.

The coffee shop was empty during this time which was quite unusual on a weekend's morning - you weren't complaining though, it was shitty morning to start with.

You overslept which resulted in you having to rush to shower and dress, your car almost broke down on the way and to top it all off - you checked the pockets of your pants only to find an empty pack of cigarette.

- Fucks sake - you muttered louder than intended before angrily discarding the pack in the trash can, catching the attention of the one and only customer in the whole coffee shop.

Hanma peaked his head up and snickered, your eyes meeting his for a mere second before he cleared his throat and went back to skimming through the pages.

You leaned on the counter, placing your head in your hands frustrated at the simple gesture. No, it wasn't the gesture - it was the fact that everything that could possible gone wrong did and this bastard almost mockingly laughed without even trying to hide it.

His tall figure stood up - you knew that only by the way you heard the chair's legs screech against the floor and the strong scent of cologne as he approached the till.

You raised your head surprised - this wasn't part of his routine and you were a bit taken aback, the most he would do is finish his drink, leave a tip on the counter and leave without as much as a word.

" Can i get a -"

Your mind switched off, it was like you didn't hear a single word his raspy voice spoke as the two of you made eye contact and you completely zoned out, focused on the gold streaks splattered throughout his irises - focused on his long eyelashes, focused on anything but what he was saying.

You shook your head, letting out an awkward chuckle feeling your cheeks start to get hot in embarassment.

" I'm sorry sir, could you just repeat that for me ? "

You say with a big smile - one so big almost anyone could tell it was fake. He most certainly could.

He grins, setting his hands on the counter putting his tattoos into clear view for you .

The words 'Sin' and 'Punishment' written on them in kanji made you raise an eyebrow - however you refused to let anything distract you a 2nd time.

" Just another regular love " He speaks and you tap on the screen and take the money from the palm of his hand before pausing and furrowing your eyebrows and throwing a look at him once again.

You couldn't put your finger on it because of the golden rimmed glasses but you knew he always seemed familiar - the wanted posters that have been plastered through out the city were almost certainly of him - no doubt about it.

Your mind ran with thoughts while shakily making the coffee in the back - the letter H - Hanma Shuji.

Your breath hitched at the sudden realisation a wanted criminal was casually drinking coffee every morning undressing you with his eyes from across the room and you didn't know.

Not only that but you were looking his way also, urging him on - even taking an interest in him.

You knew there was something off about him in some way, maybe that's certainly why you felt attracted towards him.

' It's him - should i call the police ? no, that's none of my business...is it ? but maybe he's dangerous, maybe - '

You fought with your own thoughts making your way back towards the front with the plastic cups however once you reached the counter, you heard the bell near the front door ring and he was gone.

Behind the counter, the usual envelope was there but this time - it was left open, a folded up napkin placed alongside two 10,000 yen notes.

You raised an eyebrow as you took out the napkin, one single cigarette along side a note unfolding on the counter.

' I have a feeling you won't say shit,

     that's what i like about you.

        See ya soon, darling <3

  p.s. no, i don't fuckin read :) '

                                                  - S.H

You couldn't help but let out a giggle at the last sentence, smiling to yourself as you quickly slid the messily written hand note into your back pocket along side the cigarette.

While going on your smoke break; you decided that just as he said, you ' won't say shit ' - for the simple yet selfish reason of a chance at seeing him again, who really is Hanma Shuji ?

You were determined to find out either way - and funnily enough, he confidently walked in the next morning again - smirk plastered on his lips and no book in sight.

It made you almost let out a laugh - how much he trusted you won't rat him out.

" One -"

" Iced Americano , extra ice " You exhaled making him laugh, already having made the drink 2 minutes prior.

" Oh, how could you have known ? " He sighs dramatically, placing the money on the counter before taking the cup in his tattooed hand.

" Just a lucky guess " You raise your eyebrows with a giggle, slipping him a napkin with your number written on it which he doesn't fail to take notice of straight away- quickly folding it into his pocket with a grin.

" Your tables been cleared sir, let me know if you need anything " You smile looking back at him before making your way to the kitchen, softly letting his name leave your lips with a raised eyebrow - almost mouthing it - Hanma huh ? - .

It was stupid enough for you to get attached to a gang leader that didn't know what love is but on top of that , he turned out to have many deep rooted issues and bringing up his past was an invitation to get your feelings hurt.

You just wanted to know more about him, you wanted him to open up to you but every time you tried, he shut you down in an instant.

You tried everything to get him to warm up to you and drop the cold act but you failed every single time. The only time you saw him in a vulnerable state was, well , when you slept with him.

Even after all those times, he'd grab his clothes and leave shortly after without much explanation besides that he "had business to attend to".

Everyone warned you but you didn't listen, it was foolish of you to fall for him when you knew he d never fall for you.

Maybe it was just sex to him after all. However something told you different, maybe it was the way tonight he picked you up without any notice, how he stared at you with a different look than usual in his eyes.

You felt Mikey place his hand on your thigh from the drivers seat as he took a turn making you turn to face him.

The bright street lights shining on the side of his face as he continued to focus on driving , intense look peering through his eyes as he sat silently waiting for you to say something first. He always did that.

" Mikey - " You began but paused as soon as you heard him let out a small chuckle, his black eyes still fixated forward towards the road.

You tilted your head and looked at him confused as he pulled his hand away from your thigh hesitatingly.

" I've heard you went to see Draken last week, how is he ? " His tone was blunt as ever as he took another sharp turn, both hands gripping the staring wheel firmly.

Your heart skipped a beat, ah shit - you thought.

" He's - Well, he's good, i just went to get my bike checked , you know - "

"Bullshit, don't lie to me " He paused to look over towards you for a brief second,

" No one casually goes to see their ex after years for a bike check " He responded as he parked the car in the empty parking lot near his building.

You two locked eyes before he scoffed and faced away from you, rolling down his window before bringing a lighter to his cigarette.

You stared at him nervously, has he always smoked? No, you knew the only time he did was when he was upset , and what are you meant to say ? How could you comfort someone who refuses to show vulnerability?

The thing that confused you the most, however, was this deep desire to comfort him in a way you'd know he won't let anyone else . It made your head spin .

The truth is though, he's not yours and you're not his. He had no right to get upset when he never made an effort to truly stay in the first place.

" Yeah, you're right - i went to see Draken and spent the night with him, you happy now ? " You admitted impulsively, gesticulating in frustration.

" Pft " Mikey rolled his eyes as he blew smoke out and flicked the cigarette butt out the window, crossing his arms as he turned back around to face you.

You got progressively more annoyed at the silence growing between the two of you so you shook your head impatiently waiting for him to speak. You hoped at least once, just once, he would drop the tough act and say how he feels.

" I know i shouldn't of expected more but ..." He starts and you instantly open your mouth to say something but before you could he continues, cutting you off.

" When'd you give up on me ? "

Your mouth shut closed in shock, your eyes starting to glisten as you felt a knot form in your throat and your chest getting tighter. He's such an asshole.

" I never gave up on you Mikey but you can't just expect love n not give it back " You avoided his intense stare, looking down at your fingers as you continued to fiddle with the material of your skirt.

" I know i don't mean anything serious for you but this shit hurts me and i can't keep doing it expecting for you to change "

Mikey leaned towards you silently and lifted your chin with his index finger so you met his gaze, as cold and emotionless as usual. His thumb traced your lips as he got closer to you, his forehead touching yours.

" Don't say dumb stuff like that " He cupped your cheek before quickly retracting his hand and backing away, leaving you following his hand slightly at the loss of touch.

" I wouldn't be here if i didn't care " He continued, avoiding your gaze as his hands went back to resting on the steering wheel.

" So why do you act like this ? " You asked, your voice trembling as you leaned closer to him.

He gave you a smile, something so rare you were left in a daze while looking at him.

" Because if i let you in, you'd see me differently "

You scoffed and shook your head no with a half smile before slowly lifting yourself up from your seat and going to straddle on top of him in his seat, your head resting on his chest taking in the faint smell of cigarettes and cologne.

He held you, resting his hand on your lower back as the silence grew louder and you could hear his heart begin to pound harder in his chest. You let out a sigh, your finger tracing along side his chest.

" There's nothing you could say or do that would make me stop loving you " You mumbled in his chest, prompting him to tangle his hand in your hair gently pulling your head up .

" Don't say things you'll regret " He licked his lips as his eyes scanned your features, his silver hair messily hanging over his face.

You hated and loved it at the same time, how quickly your mood can be changed by a simple look from him. A simple change in tone or how his cold fingers feel as they anxiously dance on the skin of your lower back while he waits for a reply back.

For some sort of reassurance to easy his mind, something you'd always offer him unconditionally every time. No matter how much it hurt you inside knowing this euphoric feeling of being with him will leave you feeling empty as soon as the night was over and he decides to leave again.

Like he always does in the end.

You smile to yourself leaving him confused while you realised that no matter how much you tried to avoid it and no matter how sad it made you feel, you'll never get over this .

The high highs and the low lows. You grew addicted to them, you gave into this desire of some day being able to truly be with him and time and time again, he showed you he's not that type.

And time and time again, you refused to give up on him. You tried but the way your heart races with every passing second of him holding you, you knew you'd never be able to.

" Regret ? " You lift your eyebrow, a small giggle leaving you .

" I never have any regrets " You lower your lips towards his, stopping a mere inch before kissing him as you notice his grip getting tighter, almost pulling you towards him.

" I pray for your sake that that's true "

" I told you i'm down for whatever, i'm asking you just to trust me - just once" You whispered before finally letting your lips meet his, your arms wrapping around his neck as he pulls you closer.

He stares at you silently after your lips part from his, both of you trying to catch your breath until he finally speaks, giving you a peace of mind.

It's already been months since he left , you understood his situation and why he would do that, after everything he's been through it made sense.

He always has been the type to run away from his problems and feelings, you knew that better that anyone else.

But even so, for him to leave without even seeing you one last time . Without a single goodbye or a chance for you to comfort him or change his mind.

It hurt you, it made you feel like maybe you weren't enough of a reason for him to stay, that maybe you weren't worth the headache.

That familiar feeling of dread and pure exhaustion always lingered in the back of your mind and clouded your vision.

He was always in your mind, and you began accepting it as a normal thing. Even if you knew deep inside he wasn't coming back and you should just move on, you still found yourself waiting for something that felt so impossible and out of reach. All that while there are multiple people right in front of you offering their love and that would do anything for you to be happy.

That void couldn't be filled unless he came back, you understood that and everyone eventually started to as well.

You told yourself Hanma didn't care at all, it's not like he ever even made the effort to ever tell you he loved you back. He knew it bothered you but whenever those 3 words slipped out of your mouth his mind simply couldn't process it.

Love for him was something he was never able to show, nor was it ever shown to him and that first time you said it, it freaked him out.

Big time.

He could never express what he felt, it always came out like a jumbled mess covered up with bad jokes.

In all reality though, he did feel a lot for you, he could just never say it in a way that would get the message across.

He couldn't say i love you back because his brain simply wasn't wired to. So when everything went downhill and he had to leave, he so desperately wanted to take you with him, but he couldn't do that.

He couldn't just drag you down with him, you had friends here, family.

He was the only one left with nothing but you, and knowing he was so dependent on you, knowing that if he ended up seeing you before he left he'd ask you to join him, knowing that you'd say yes mindlessly without even thinking. It terrified him.

The idea that he got so close to someone and that person loved him back and so much so they would do anything to stick by his side.

Thats why he left, he ran away like he always does, because that coping mechanism is just the way he taught himself was right.

That way he can't hurt you and that way he can't hurt himself either, it was for the best.

Things were getting too much for him,  he realised he's also fallen just as hard for you that night when you both went on your usual drives on his motorcycle and your hands wrapped around his torso so tightly like you never wanted to let him go. When your eyes sparkled when he was doing even the most usual of things like smoking cigarettes one after another while you both watched the night sky and talked about a future together.

A future he knew he couldn't commit to, because he was just too scared and inexperienced with love to actually stick to the plan. Its funny, before you he was only used to random hook ups, girls that would never commit to him and he could never commit to, it was all mindless fun for him.

Lust was the only feeling that usually registered in his brain when it came to women, so when you showed up and completely twisted his mind when you rejected him that first time he tried to get in your pants, it was something so peculiar and attractive to him.

Did he feel guilty ever since he left ? Every damn second , he even still had the picture of you two in bed as his lock screen.

You wouldn't know that though, because you couldn't have known.

He listened to all your angry voice mails cussing him out and telling him you loved him almost immediately after you said you hated him.

He finally called you back.

Your heart skipped a beat, fumbling to tap on the screen desperately to answer it and put it to your ear.

" I love you too"

You froze but before you could say anything, you heard the beep of the call ending.

When you tried to call him back, it no longer went to voicemail.

'We're sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service ...'

Then he spoke the first words to you, not on the first night of course - he didn't even notice you then , but you noticed him . In fact so much so that it felt like a switched was flipped in your brain telling you to chase after him.

You've never been one to chase, not until him.

So you listened to that voice in your head and started wearing less to the meetings, dressing more provocatively and letting your hair down, styling it neatly - altering your appearance in ways many men couldn't just ignore.

He was not " many men ", he merely threw a glance your way and payed no attention but something about that riled you up even more.

It made your desire to have him stronger because us humans are simple, we seek the forbidden - the adrenaline rush, the attention and the validation. Sooner or later, it went past a silly crush and turned into a craving you had to satisfy no matter the cost.

You'd only get to see him once a week, a Thursday night. He was a busy man, you were well aware of it but it felt insulting for him to speak of business with everyone in the meeting room besides you.

Like you weren't even there.

The most he would do is smile at you as you talked to the others, giving you the slightest bit of attention - just enough to keep you running in this never ending cat and mouse game , but never enough to satisfy you.

When the meeting was dismissed that night, you expected nothing more than to go home having made zero progress yet again.

To your surprised he tapped you on your shoulder when you were getting ready to leave and told you to stay behind a little longer, even called you by your name.

You were speechless for once in your life, like the chase had finally come to an end as you took a seat in front of his desk, sitting aross from him in an empty office. His office.

The whole view of the night city could be seen behind him through the large windows, the bright street lights becoming dull and blurry whenever you focused your attention on him. To you, his presence managed to shine brighter than any street light in that moment - or rather, the darkness that engulfed him made it harder for you to notice the light.

" Could you spare a cigarette ? " He asked softly with a hint of warmth in his usual monotone voice, his lips curling into a smile. You told him of course, sitting one leg over the other and reaching into your purse.

When you handed it to him; the sinking feeling in your stomach only grew when his slender fingers lingered on your hands for long before he took the cigarette and placed it down on his desk.

Something felt off, your chest felt tighter with every second his brown eyes stared into yours - your pure and deep infatuation with him made you feel sick, it made you nervous.

People never made you nervous, not until him.

" Do you know why i told you to stay ? " He broke the silence, emptying the tobacco onto the wooden table and mixing it with strands of cannabis.

" No, sir " You gulped, watched him quietly roll it into a perfect cone shape before lick the paper. At that time, you've never tried any sort of drug.

" I can see you're growing quite frustrated and i've never been the one to upset a woman "

Although often being surrounded by all kinds of drugs alot in the mafia, you never once thought about trying any.

It repulsed you, until he asked if you'd like to.

"I'm not upset by any means sir, please don't occupy your mind with such thoughts " You took a drag out of the joint, the smell of the smoke combined with the feeling of it filling your lungs immediately made you choke.

He chuckled and tilted his head, reaching out for the joint and you passed it back but when you went to retract your hand he held it under his on the desk with force.

" Ah, i must be the one that's upset - i mean, it's such a shame seeing a smart woman like yourself being swayed so easily by the likes of me "

" With all due respect sir, you do not sway me "  Your legs felt weak at the tension that kept growing and you couldn't help but be envious of the way he looked so calm as he enhaled his smoke and blew it out towards you slowly. You licked your lips admiring the way he quietly analysed you like he was reading you like a book. Every small gesture made your heart flutter, almost like you were... falling in love.

" Is that so ? "

You didn't believe in love, not until he kept you starving for his attention long enough you became obsessed over it.

That night he made love to you for the first time. You were both high and it felt raw, it wasn't romantic like you'd have imagined, no - it was rough and full of emotions.

You felt everything at once, like a rollercoaster that wouldn't stop even when you felt sick and your head was spinning. For him though, it still wasn't enough to make him feel something.

Using that term 'made love ' wouldn't be right - it was more vulgar than gracious, more like he bent you over his desk and fucked you like a whore. There was nothing wrong with that in your eyes, you expected nothing different from a man with his reputation.

You wanted nothing different.

It felt like the first spark of your addiction, the start - the trigger to it all. Normally thats where you would of left it at, you satisfied your craving, you got what you wanted - you won already.

But the beauty of being human is feeling strong emotions such as greed. Always wanting more; even if you knew you should stop yourself, you didn't want to stop - you wanted to see how far he could take you.

He made a deal with you.

Like how you'd make a deal with the devil, the conditions were simple enough for you to understand the extent of what you were getting into.

After every meeting ended you'd stay behind once everyone else left and you'd get to have him again - only if you would be willing to try all the different things he wanted to try - from the drugs to the dark sexual fantasies.

At that point, you fell in the water way too deep to swim back up to the top , in fact - you couldn't even see the surface anymore.

He didn't feel emotions in the way you did, he expected you to agree to sell your body and soul in exchange for him.

And foolishly so, you did - to satisfy your own greed ; to feel his body on top of yours once again, to feel alive, to feel human.

You see, he was searching for someone or something that could change him, that could make him see life as worth living - to make him feel something different.

He noticed you from the very start but had no real intentions of getting to this point, he played you and lead you on for fun - because he too, wanted to feel human.

You played right into his hands just like he wanted you to, like he intentionally made you to.

You would of never agreed to such a deal.

That was until he made you the offer so gracefully, holding you in his arms as you caught your breath and came down from your high - too blinded by his empty beauty and sweet words to be able to ever turn it down.

Thats how the cycle repeated, that's how you ended up in this position. Until one night he decided he wasn't interested anymore - when he realised you wouldn't be able to change the way he perceived life.

He had no real feelings for you, nothing like you did for him - he merely used you for his own twisted desires and left without any warning or explanation.

You were like an experiment that failed to give him the results he wanted - you never truly mattered, it was all just a part of his game.

That was the last night you saw him and maybe it was for the better - but the difference between you and him was that you couldn't simply just stop playing when the words " game over " were displayed on the screen.

You couldn't stop clicking " try again " in an attempt to ease your pain.

You preffered to carry on drowning yourself in all the drugs in the world because it reminded you of the short but intimate time the two of you shared.

Over and over again, whenever you came down from your high alone you became less bothered by your feelings and thoughts. Less attached to them.

You've never been the one to wish for death, but the idea no longer frighened you.

The strong emotions you once felt as a human

- they weren't part of you anymore.

Because you became just like him.

Just like he expected you to, and that's why he left.

You weren't strong enough to change him, he managed to break and change you without even wanting to. You were too weak.

Once he left you finally understood all the words he used to tell you every night.