What do i do when im soossoso scared.

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@reminderofapast
What do i do when im soossoso scared.

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Burned myself again. God its been a while, huh? I couldn't even fully press it in, but that's probably bc it was on my ankle, nice and sensitive. Discrete enough no one will notice day to day, and then I can just brush it off as a mosquito bite. I need to reminder, I need to feel the pain. 3 thinks I deserve it and I probably do. I should stop trying to remember, but is that really so bad?? It's MY fucking memories, they're MINE. I should be able to know them. And fuck ok maybe my mother will prompt something, but she doesn't really know. She wasn't there in that house, the one where my only memories are beige and bug ridden. I only really remember after She moved in. My siblings shouldn't remember anything, they were so young back then, someone had to be the fucking adult. Actually Fuck You 3, you're probably hiding it all, Fuck You
.t
I sliced my finger open real good today at work, complete accident. I had to quickly stop the bleeding and bandage it up but its deep, almost needed stitches probably. I need to rip it open and look inside I need to feel the pulse of blood dripping I need the warmth
God I'm fucking craving it I don't care that it might need stitches or glue I need to gape it open. God I'm such an addict
I was so fuzzy these past few days, I think I'm making a mistake thinking about the other mes. What will They think about all this? I sound crazy I sound like a faker. I need to get over this quick
Actually you know what fuck this guy I can't do a single fucking thing without him calling in my fucking head
Ohhh I hate myself ohh dont you know we're a horrible fuvking person and its always our fault. Actually its all yours you annoyimg bitch
Wasting all my time as usual yknow if you would just snap out of it during the day we could actually live our life

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I feel wrong venting on the same account at that dead me. I'm the one that killed her or replaced her or whatever and I dont think I'm supposed to remember her. Or maybe she turned into that other grayer me. Maybe I pushed her into it. Maybe it ate her. But that it is supposed to be me to. I don't like him very much. He's really mean to me. Then again this is his blog. I'm sorry
I feel so fragmented. There's a me in there that's hiding something I know it is
I tied a zip tie around my wrist right after I relapsed as a promise to myself. I've been letting it chase and tear ar the skin there as a remembrance; an omen. I was only going to take it off when I was finally put of this damn house, but it snapped today. It's taking a Lot of self control to not just cinch some wire around my wrist and let it just dig and slice in. It doesn't help that I'm stuck inside and can't leave bc the snow is too high for mw to shovel.
Ah well, I guess I have to put zip ties on my list. And pretend this is fine and normal
watching yourself spiral into a mental breakdown while knowing you can't stop it is a different kind of heartbreak
untitled wallow #1
When autumn came and I left with the rain the leaves and I dried in tandem
Pink tinted filters painting the tips of my fingers and wine ink spilling
during smiling whispers well past my bedtime
The air bites my cheeks and I bite my sharp lips staring
into the same moon, divining a future where the wind is warm across our cheeks and I am soft underneath your touch

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I have a stable career ahead of me, a soon to be empty house I can enjoy, friends finally, and I almost actually fully relapsed in the bathroom of this train. A whole future right there, and still I want literally nothing more than a bullet to the head. I feel like I'm walking my own death march
Crawling your way back into recovery is so funny. Like hi thank you for this job interview- where do I see myself in 5 years? Tbh Brenda up until 2 days ago I thought I was just going to kill myself so I'm not looking long term quite yet
It's weird. It's like I'm all smoothed over from the sharp static of before but now I'm just stuck at the same emotion range at all times. And that baseline is annoyingly suicidal.
Hey question after you snap out of a severe suicidal episode how long until the guilt and shame leave? And how do I make it go faster because it's ironically making me want to die

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Pro Tip #69: Tell the people you live with that you're learning shibari so they aren't suspicious when you practice tying a noose 👍