It’s you, it always has been
Robert is out, they have a lot to talk about.
Aaron woke up with a fear in his gut. He just knew that something was off. In his half-asleep state, he reached out his hand immediately only to find the bed empty. Robert wasn’t there. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, then opened them to look around the hotel room. He knew Robert wasn’t there, but when he felt the light breeze coming from the open window, he knew where to find him. He left the bed, got to the window to take a look at the back garden. It was still pitch dark, but he could see the silhouette of a man. Not just any man, Robert. He didn’t do anything, he just sat there. Aaron watched him for a few minutes while the memories of their reunion flashed before his eyes.
Robert got out early, only serving about 3 and a half years of his sentence. Aaron wouldn’t even know but a couple of days before that, he got a mysterious letter without any kind of sender on it. It was a very short letter, very straight to the point. Just a date, an address, and a few words :
He knew it could only come from Robert. Whether if he would go or not… it wasn’t even a question. He obviously tried to call the prison, but they didn’t provide him with any information, so he thought he just simply had to turn up if he wanted any kind of explanation.
And now, only 2 days after he first set eyes on Robert again, they were still at the hotel on the Island, spending their days talking. To be honest, talking came afterwards. None of them could hold their emotions back so the fact that after a solid 2-minute chat they ended up in the room… in bed, wasn’t even surprising. Robert tried to stop Aaron, to ask him…. he didn’t even know what he wanted to ask, but Aaron only told him to shut up and that was enough for Robert. At that time.
Talking came specifically 30 seconds after they stopped panting. There were a few agonizingly slow seconds of staring before they started talking at the same time… which only made them smile. It was a great icebreaker. Not to mention the sex. But after the early awkward awareness of the complexity of the situation, they talked. And it was proper talk. And even if it didn’t solve all of their problems, it definitely clarified a lot of things.
Ever since that first honest conversation, they never really stopped. They both had things to say, and it took them a while before they felt like it’s going somewhere.
Robert barely slept, and he didn’t say much about how things were inside, but he told Aaron a few things. That’s why Aaron wasn’t even surprised to find Robert sitting in the Hotel’s back garden, instead of sitting in the room with 4 walls surrounding him. He understood. Of course, he did. The feeling of freedom, the fact that he was able to just leave a room, to go out to feel the wind on his face, to be able to take a deep breath. It was liberating and Aaron knew how much it meant to Robert.
He approached him quietly, not wanting to startle him, in case he drifted off to sleep. His eyes were indeed closed, but when Aaron placed his hand gently on Robert’s shoulder, he jumped a bit, and in a matter of a nanosecond his eyes were open wide.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” - started Aaron as he came around to sit opposite him.
“No, I… I knew it must be you… it’s just….”
“Old habits… yeah I know.” – nodded Aaron understanding. – “Nightmares?” – he asked softly not even looking at Robert. He watched the night sky instead, knowing how frustrated it was for Robert when he looked at him for too long. It’s not because he didn’t want Aaron to look at him… it’s just…. prison chances people. And Robert didn’t need to explain any of that to Aaron.
“It’s not that bad.” – shrugged Robert, not denying that he indeed had nightmares, even if he was a free man now.
“It’s natural.” – whispered Aaron as he took a glance at him. He didn’t want to force the subject, he knew that Robert will tell him when he’s ready.
“God I’m so selfish.” – sighed Robert out of the blue. That was the moment when Aaron turned towards him looking directly into his eyes.
“I just… sent you that letter assuming that you’re gonna turn up…”
“I did turn up.” – pointed out Aaron.
“Yeah, but I didn’t know whether you have someone or…. or moved…. or….”
“Robert, don’t you know me by now?”
“It’s been almost 4 years since I saw you…. I don’t think I have the right to….”
“Then let me tell ya.” – interrupted Aaron before …. his husband? could say something stupid. They didn’t clarify labels, it didn’t come up since they first started talking things through. – “You know me. And I know we’ve talked about this… briefly, but… it’s you, it always has been.” – he said with a weak smile.
“Aaron…” - sighed Robert turning his head away, but Aaron could see the moment when a single teardrop made its way down Robert’s cheek. - “You know…” - he said sniffing – “…part of me hoped you’d forget me. At least that’s what I was telling myself when I missed you too much. That it would be better… for you. Because that’s all I wanted Aaron. Things to be better for you.”
“I couldn’t forget you even if I tried. And believe me, I’ve tried.” – answered Aaron with a dry laugh. And Robert knew that as well. He didn’t make a comment on it. He didn’t think he had the right to form an opinion on something he himself pushed Aaron into. When Aaron realized that he won’t get a response from Robert he swallowed hard and asked – “Do you regret sending that letter?” – at first Robert looked at him confused and Aaron realized he had to clarify because there was more than 1 letter in the picture. – “This last one I mean. I know why you… or well the solicitor I guess sent that letter when he did… I know why you did that. Not that I can understand but… I’m talking about this last one now. The one you sent this address in.”
“No. I don’t regret it.” – said Robert shaking his head slightly. – “I told you. I’m selfish. I had to see you. Even if you could’ve been married again for all I know.”
“Married?” – asked back Aaron with a bittersweet laughter. Robert could hear the exact moment his voice broke a little and he just knew that Aaron was in tears. – “D’ya know what was the worst?” – asked Aaron not really waiting for an answer – “Worse than all the missed birthdays or… or anniversaries and Christmases…?” – Robert knew he didn’t finish so he just waited for whatever Aaron had to say next… bracing himself. – “Even after I got the papers about the divorce… I always thought about you as me husband. Always.” – he said wiping his face with the sleeve of his shirt.
“You still think of me like that?” – asked Robert and Aaron could hear it in his tone that it was a genuine question.
“Yeah.” – laughed Aaron looking up at the sky again. – “I must be mad but… yeah.” – he said looking back at him.
“Aaron?” – asked Robert after a couple of minutes of silence.
“If I told you I couldn’t go back to Emmerdale…. would you still wanna be with me?” – he asked with his eyes fixed on the ground.
“Is this a serious question?” – asked Aaron and Robert could detect a hint of pain in his voice. He didn’t dare to answer so he just nodded instead. – “Of course I would.”
“But… it’s your home.” - he said lifting his head up.
“Robert… home stopped being a place when you entered my life.” – he said simply and Robert didn’t even know he was holding back his breath before he let it out. – “Do you want me to sit here with you, or you wanna be alone for a bit?” – asked Aaron knowing that they finished this chat for now. He could sense it from Robert’s body language, and he didn’t mind. He knew that now they had all the time in the world to talk about everything.
“Stay with me… please.”– said Robert as he reached out his hand to stop Aaron from standing up.
“Alright.” – smiled Aaron taking Robert’s hand, and as he intertwined their fingers he swore to himself that he’ll never let him go again.
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