Homme Fatale

Hey guys. Im writing this because i feel it is imperative to finally vent out my feelings. Feelings that i have a had a hard time to grasp over the last couple years and also an explanation on my hiatus for those of my mutuals who have noticed that ive been gone. 

Well i guess i should start out being blunt. Coming on tumblr and creating a blog was not a good idea for myself. Its actually been very toxic and hindering my emotional growth. Let me elaborate. When i made a tumblr, i was having a lot of fun talking to new people and getting in the queer community (which was great! i needed gay online friends). But as a young person, reading blog posts from other gay guys that talk about how their sexual experiences are so great and how they have sex all the time was not very good. From these posts, it created this persona that i had to achieve for myself or else i just wasnt good enough. This persona talks to guys all the time, has sex all the time, gets hit on, is surrounded by men all the time. I thought thats what it meant to be gay. To be sexually devious and sleep around. At that point,  i wanted to throw myself at any guy that asked or even look at me twice. I was seeking validation from other people. I felt like it was all about bragging rights “hey look at me! i just sex with this guy and that guy!” And when i wasnt getting sex, my self esteem was hit like a truck. I mean i cant really blame anyone! who would wanna have sex with an underage high schooler who was going through an identity crisis and also had panic disorder?

This was the breaking point that stunted my emotional growth. It made me bitter and jealous of other guys. When i would see a post from a guy that talked about his boyfriend or the men he slept with, it made me sad about my own life and feel nothing but contempt. For me, life was suddenly a competition to see who could sleep around the most. This also made me put myself in bad situations with men who wanted to take advantage of me, men who i enabled to cheat on their spouses, men who didnt care about me or my feelings and just saw me as a game they could play over and over. And as you can tell, i definitely feel guilt and regret from some of the things that ive done. 

Around the end of my senior year of high school i had almost completely stopped going on tumblr. I was busy getting ready for college and preparing myself for the real world. At this point, my life was seemingly getting a little better. My self confidence had grown and i was just starting to love myself. And when i did start college, i was lookng at myself from a different perspective. A perspective that didnt involve me comparing myself to other people. I stopped caring about what others thought. I was no longer seeking validation through others. I was worrying about my own well being. I was loving myself more and more. I was no longer bitter about someone not wanting me. My self confidence had healed. And i think its important for others to know how to be okay in their own skin. Life is not a competition. There is no perfection to achieve. 

My point is, tumblr is not a bad place. I think its a great community forum for people to share ideas and art and experiences and news outlet. However, I do think that it creates problems that were never intended. And thats nobody’s fault.