reflect on this fully

{Photo courtesy of Good Morning HD Love Images}

based on the Maanya Arora version Translation originally by Vanita Agarwal

Mithe ras se bharyori Radha rani lage, maharani lage Princess Radha is full of sweet nectar

mhane kharo kharo Yumuna ji ro pane lage Krishna is dark like the Yumuna Ji river

Yumuna maiya kari kari Krishna (Yumuna)'s complexion is dark

Radha gori gori Radha's complexion is fair

Vrindavan mein dhoom machave Barsane ki chori A girl from Barsane village is special to Vrindavan

Brij dham Radhe ju ki rajdhani lage Brij is like her own place, capital to Radha ji

na bhave mhane makhan mishri I don't like fresh white butter sprinkled with sugar

ab na koi mithai nor any other kind of sweets

mhare jivadiye ne bhave ab to Radha naam malai All my heart loves is the sweet name of Princess Radha

Vrishbhanu ki tali to gud dhane laage Vrishbhanu's daughter's name is the only that is sweetest to me

Radha Radha naam ratat hain jo nar aatho yaam The one who takes the name of Radha around the clock

Tinki badha dur karat hain Radha Radha naam The hindrances in their life are removed just by chanting the name of Radha

Radha naam se safal zindgani laage Chanting the name of Radha makes the life successful in all ways

----------- This is one of my favorite bhajans, because it reminds me of the story of Holi. I also love the ending where it talks about taking the name of Radha.

This was the last image in the art series I did. Incidentally, I believe it is the most popular. Lord Ganesha has a special place in many people's hearts, including my own.

So many times have I cried out to Ganesha, asking him to clear obstacles in my path so that I may continue to do better and bigger things in the name of dharma and in service to the Lord. But someone commented something along the lines of this on Reddit recently, sending my head into a spiral: Ganesha removes obstacles from our path, but also places them there.

I had never considered this, and truthfully, the person who said this doesn't operate in the Vedic tradition or have much familiarity with our religion, I think. But it was an interesting thought none the less.

It reminded me of a time where I was in line somewhere, filling out paperwork. I prayed to Ganesha, "Oh please let this go smoothly, let this paperwork be turned in without issue." But surprisingly, I ran into just about every issue you could possibly imagine. It almost seemed as if Ganesha didn't want me to turn that paperwork in, in any way, shape, or form!

I tried as I might, but was ultimately unsuccessful and feeling a bit saddened that I didn't get to accomplish what I wanted to. When I went out to my car, that's when I realized...someone had stolen my license plate! If I hadn't protested so much, I would have left in time to avoid a thief picking my plates!

I was certainly humbled. I went and got my plates replaced, and while at the DMV, I realized that my taxes were due soon, which I surely wouldn't have remembered otherwise. Thank goodness I didn't pay my taxes before my plates got stolen, because then the thief would have been good for an entire year. Instead, the thief stole the plates just a couple of weeks before the tag expired! So that was a funny coincidence.

Finally, just a few weeks later, I was in the car accident I've mentioned before on this blog. Thank goodness I had my taxes paid and everything up to date.

So perhaps it's true, Ganesha can remove osbtacles or put them there, too. If you have an interesting story regarding this, I'd love to here.

And as always, feel free to download this image as a wallpaper/use it on an altar. Please don't use for personal gain, however.

This is the second image from the art series I just posted, but actually the first I drew. I was really inspired by the verse from the Bhagavad Gita, that says: "Just as a lamp in a windless place does not flicker, so the disciplined mind of a yogi remains steady in meditation on the Supreme." (6.19)

Normally, I read a chapter of the Gita everyday, if I'm not doing a deeper dive or a commentary. But while I was waiting at the doctor's office the other day, I decided to just crack it open and read where my heart guided me. I landed on Chapter 6, which discusses the mind and its unsteady nature.

Deep within us all is that flame burning brightly, and even in my darkest of moments, it still burned: urging me onward, encouraging me to not give up.

Though my flame often flickers (and I'm still working diligently to prevent that), Bhagavan remains steady and unbothered by the actions of the world. Bhagavan is the ultimate reality, the thing we attain when give up the results of our actions and become tolerant to both happiness and distress.

Even in my weakest moments, I search for that flame, burning steadily within me, teaching me how to destroy the eternal bonds of karma.

I suppose this thought manifested in this image, depicting Shri Krishna dancing merrily as he plays his flute, an eternal cosmic flame radiating from around him.

Feel free to use this image as your background/or on your altar. Please don't use it for personal gain, however.

As an added note, I love seeing depictions of Krishna with darker skin, as is most accurate. There was a time during deep contemplation where I felt I saw Krishna's face, and another time as I was having an anxiety attack. Both times, Krishna's skin was a deep, dark blue, perhaps even darker than I have depicted here. I shall have to post about these experiences someday.

Everyday, Shri Ram, your light envelopes me and consumes me. Your strength propels me forward when I feel I am weak. Your dharma is a guiding light in the darkness, like a lamp whose flame is unaffected by the wind.

I wanted to do something in devotion of Shri Ram, but I wasn't sure what I could do. By a lucky stroke, I came across my Apple Pen, and I started doodling on my iPad. I hadn't doodled in a while, not since my depression became overwhelming. However, I have since entered remission, and I am slowly rediscovering my talents and abilities.

I started drawing lines however my hand felt compelled to draw them. Eventually, ocean waves materialized as well as an endless horizon. Seated in the middle was Shri Ram, bravely taking to the bridge amongst the roaring waters to reach his beloved Sita.

When I look at the picture, I feel cold chills. Together, we can build a bridge to reach a better reality. And after seeing a lot of Hinduphobia on the inter webs this week, that gives me great peace. Somehow, us Hindus find a unique way to come together, despite the many variations and differences between us.

{Photo Courtesy of Pinterest}

{Photo Courtesy of Nishant Das via Pexels}

Happy Holi, everyone!

I hope you had a wonderful celebration full of love, joy, and the renewal of Spring. May Krishna’s love and light glow brightly within you.

I was alone this year on Holi, so I did some celebrating on my own. It was peaceful and refreshing; it was a much needed break from the stresses of work and school.

I spent the day in my garden, tending to the budding sunflower shoots and various wildflowers beginning to germinate.

Krishna says that he will accept even a flower offered with love, so I had the idea to plant a small flower garden. Tending to it daily will be my offering of love.

A Garden of Devotion

Currently, I have yellow poppies, bachelor buttons, and snapdragons germinating in the greenhouse. I have a wildflower mix for the bees growing in the shade beneath my window. If all things go to plan, I shall have a vivacious mix of saffron, ultramarine, reds, violets, and every other color dotting our little abode on the hill.

Oh, and cayenne peppers…I love cayenne!

Later in the evening, I painted a flower pot for the garden.

I wrote “Shri Krishna Govinda Hare Murare, Hey Natha Narayana Vasudeva” around the top, taking advantage of my newly acquired skill in writing in Devanagari. I also painted two peacocks on it: one for Krishna, and one for Radha.

Escaping from Work

I’ve mentioned before that work has been quite stressful lately. I’m a content analyst, and my job often requires viewing posts that are inflammatory or politically turbulent.

Viewing that content all day, every day can be quite stressful, especially when people are making attacks against the LGBTQ community or other identities I happen to share.

I even posted about this on Reddit, asking how to navigate a world that is so deeply divided. I received some wonderful, deeply insightful responses that I’ll have to share another day.

As my productivity began to sink at work, I told myself that this was something I had to conquer. I have to separate myself from the anger and hate. I must let go of the results of my actions…and the results of others.

Digging My Heels to Fight

This was a challenging period in my life, but it was an opportunity to grow and practice what Shri Krishna suggests to us in the Gita.

I acknowledged this desire to Krishna, and faithfully let it go.

Yesterday at work, I found out that (without going into too much detail), I had been going above and beyond my daily tasks by a lot. There was a miscommunication in some paperwork, and long story short…my job instantly got a lot less stressful.

When this happened, I nearly burst into tears. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Before, my job felt like an impossible task, like Sisyhphus rolling his eternal boulder. Now, it is much easier. I am more engaged in my work and feel more connected to it. That what I’m doing will make a difference.

A Shocking Turn of Events

This has been such a tremendous blessing to me. It will certainly make going to school and working at the same time much easier.

I will also have more mental energy and fortitude to dedicate to writing, both creatively and personally.

I regarded this as a tremendous blessing from Krishna, a brilliant renewal on the day of Holi. I listened to bhajans, sang, danced with the colors of my garden, and had a wonderful day.

Wishing you joy and peace this wonderful festival.

{Photo courtesy of BhagavadGita.io}

Does God really have the power to save our life? Whether it's a car crash or freak accident, does God really have the power to intervene?

This is a question a lot of us have wondered our entire lives. And even with my unwavering devotion to God, it might be a question beyond my comprehension.

What I do know is that I was driving along when someone turned abruptly in my path, causing us to collide instantly.

I was going straight through an intersection when someone in the oncoming lane decided to make a left turn. They tried to gun it, but it was too late.

We t-boned (is 'collided perpendicularly' the more appropriate term?). With a massive head on collision like that, there was no reason I should have lived. It's the kind of stuff you see happen to other people and have a subliminal fear about: I hope that doesn't happen to me. One day, you could be driving along, minding your business, when someone comes out of left field and can end it all.

I had similar feelings of uncertainty and cynicism even when I was out shopping with my parents several years ago. We were in the mall, buying a pretzel, when a man randomly opened fire. Funny you remember the minor details.

He was extremely mentally ill and randomly began verbally assaulting a group of people. The people were rather confused and didn't escalate the issue with him. Still, he was deeply upset for whatever reason, and fired at the hip at a young man that had done absolutely no wrong to him.

When you hear a gun shot in a public place, it sends a chill through your body. I thought at first someone had dropped an industrial pan or baking sheet, since we were in the food court. There was the longest second of stunned silence, then a massive, unanimous understanding that that really was just a gunshot and run.

To this day, I have never seen so many people collectively turn on a dime and absolutely book it. The mall is essentially a long corridor, and we were at one end, having to run to the other.

My dad looked at my mom and I, and said, "Go. Run." He waited for us. That still fills my eyes with tears. He's military, search and rescue. It's in his nature to protect and lay down his life. And he did for me that day.

As much as we've gone through together and the odds we've been at through various times of our lives, he still laid down it all for me, and I learned more in that moment than I have in an entire lifetime.

Fortunately, the young man who was shot ended up being okay and made a full recovery. The man who assaulted him took off on foot, but was found within the next couple of days or so. He was arrested and given jail time. I'm not sure what his outcome was beyond that.

This incident gave me a deep seated fear of being in public and getting hurt by someone. I wasn't just afraid of shootings or other random occurrences, but even interactions with everyday people. It was like the stress from this trauma internalized itself into my everyday life. Would this random stranger be a 'Karen' to me? Would this person make a negative remark on my gender identity or orientation?

I was in therapy at the time and we worked through this fear together. I finally found that I was at the place where I could try and go out in a large public space again. I went to a different mall and was walking along, and I didn't feel any fear. I took a deep breath and let it go. When I looked up, I was standing in front of a pretzel place. The same place I had been standing in the other mall when a gunshot rang out.

My car accident just before the New Year has resurfaced a lot of these conflicting emotions. What if something happens beyond my control? What if something or someone hurts me?

We are all bound to the wheel of life, and unfortunately, such incidents are unavoidable.

There was no way I could have avoided that collision; there was no way I could have known. But in spite of what happened, I lived: I was completely unharmed, as was the other driver.

If you read my previous post, you'll know that just before my car's engine and battery gave out, a bhajan was playing. It was Shri Krishna Govinda Hare Murare, Hey Natha Narayana Vasudeva. It gave me an overwhelming feeling that Krishna was with me, living inside me and walking this path with me.

It brings to mind a passage from the Gita, in which Krishna tells Arjuna:

Arjuna, boldy declare, 'My devotee never perishes.'

All those who seek my shelter, whatever their birth, gender, caste or status, attain the supreme destination. (9:31-32).

Misfortune may fall upon me, but I feel confidence in knowing that Vishnu the Protector and Preserver will be with me. I expect nothing, I am equal to happiness and distress. If something bad were to happen to me, I will accept it.

I know that God doesn't always intervene. He is the impartial observer, after all. But I also believe in fate, and I know that I will do great things in Krishna's name. I am alive because there is still more for me to do. And I'm not going to waste that chance. That's why everyday should be filled with service in the name of Krishna (or any deity you might believe in, dear reader). Every moment should be turned towards God and dharma with no attachment to the results. Be a beacon for light and positivity. Together we clamber this path reaching light by light to find our way.

Much love to you all.

Namaste,

Pax

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

{Photo courtesy of Tomas Anunziata via Pexels}

Just before the New Year, I was on r/Hinduism and asked community members what happens if we don't remember Krishna at the time of death. If you're not familiar, Krishna tells Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, "At the end of life, whoever departs the body remembering me attains my nature without fail" (8:5).

And if you're one of my beloved pagan friends and very not familiar with Sanatana Dharma, Krishna can be reflected as the Supreme Person or God, and Arjuna, the warrior with whom he is speaking, can be reflected as the soul. Arjuna is distressed at the prospect of going to war and fighting the other side, consisting of many of his family and friends.

They are not just faceless enemies, but rather fathers and sons and people highly respected in their own right. Krishna counsels him in his chariot, and the Bhagavad Gita is their conversation.

The Gita has touched my soul in a depth that I find it difficult to describe. Sometimes, I try to avoid using the metaphor of awakening, because it's become somewhat diluted in modern culture (and even drawn a sort of stigma, at least in the US). Reading the truths in the Gita for the first time didn't reach me as being awoken to a higher truth. Rather, the truth has lived within me the whole time.

It makes up the indestructible, eternal nature of the self, lying in wait until being discovered again and again, in small moments and in big. And reading the Gita felt like a light shining on my soul, illuminating the profound truths that have always lived within me. (I once read someone describing this phenomenon as simply reading the Gita and going, "Oh yeah! That's what I've always believed, I've never seen it written down somewhere before." Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, but how could one not go on about this beloved text?)

Despite the profound wisdom of Krishna's words, the loving friendship between God and the soul described in truths both simple and complex, I hit the fifth verse of the eighth chapter and came to a standstill.

I don't like talking about it much, but I was raised in a very colonization-oriented, "fire and brimstone" religion. In fact, the term "fire and brimstone" in its modern day usage to describe proselytization and preaching practices originates from the very sect I grew up in.

In other words, there was a large focus on the afterlife and eternal damnation in my childhood spiritual education. Fear of God was something actively encouraged. And I mean that, genuinely-- to be described as "God fearing" is a compliment, indicating a high reverence of God.

I have a lot of religious trauma from these experiences, so I won't bother delving into them too much. I know it's exceptionally common, too. I find people with these experiences in many circles: Pagan, Wiccan, Heathen, and more. I think that those of us that wanted to explore an innate connection with God but were met with these traumas instead feel the pain that much more. But it gladdens my heart to see that these brave souls never gave up and found a connection with the divine in spite of the evils done to them.

Obligatory mention that I don't discriminate against any religion or personal beliefs, just sharing my (and others') personal encounters that continue to impact us moving forward.

But the reason why I mention this is that despite devoting myself to Santana Dharma and completely reorienting my perspective on the nature of the soul and the divine, my brain still went into fight or flight mode when it came to the mention of the afterlife and death. And why shouldn't it? After all, if the soul is eternal, of course it will experience distress at the thought or mention of death.

On Reddit, I was curious to see how people interpreted this passage according to their own beliefs and varying traditions. Did people take it literally, or believe that the only way to reach a heavenly realm is to remember God at the time of death? Or did people take it more fluidly, or believe that a lifetime devoted to God or strong sense of importance placed on God would be enough to reach the realm of Krishna.

My mind was caught up in the "car accident" phenomenon. If you were just driving along one day and in one instant, you died, what would happen? What if you were thinking about something else at the time of death, like where you were going or what you had to do that day?

If we could all choose our manner of death, we'd likely choose to be older and go peacefully, having full lucidity or perhaps being asleep. But accidents do happen, and I wondered what I would do if an accident happened to me.

8 days after posting to Reddit, I was driving back home after doing some shopping when a car came out of thin air and T-boned me. One second, I was driving through the quiet intersection, listening to bhajans, just barely dusk. I had a green light and was 3/4 of the way through. The car in the opposite direction was in the left turn lane. He decided to gun it (with no turn signal) and we collided instantly.

My car was near totaled, the engine busted and the hood mangled, but I was completely unscathed (as was the other driver). Before my engine and battery went out, I saw the bhajan that had been playing. It was "Shri Krishna Govinda Hare Murare, Hey Natha Narayana Vasudeva." And in that moment, I felt Krishna and his loving embrace enveloping me.

It struck me: my bond with Krishna is ingrained in my soul. If the soul cannot be touched or destroyed, neither can my friendship be forgotten with the Supreme Person. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and as for myself, I firmly believe that Krishna was with me then and would have been with me in the chance I had died and shed this mortal coil. As for my thoughts in the moment, they ranged somewhere between "uh oh" and a number of curse words that I would be quite embarrassed to admit.

My soul remembers his love and he remembers me, and this relieved me of a great anxiety, in which I had worried I wouldn't be good enough or have done enough to earn Krishna's love.

I've done a lot of reflection about this accident and wondered the best way to describe it. "Reflect on this fully" hits home more than ever. It's been a week or so, and posting this on Vaikuntha Ekadashi seemed fitting. I look forward to sharing more thoughts about this pivotal moment in my life in the future.

Wishing you a warm and wonderful Vaikuntha Ekadashi… Pax

{Photo courtesy of Stein Egil Lilland via Pexels}

This past week has been a challenging one, in part due to an ongoing health issue. In times of distress, it's easy to shut down. I found myself holed up in my bed, begging myself to do more and be more, even though it was beyond my physical limits.

As I recovered this week, I felt a call and a longing to reorient my mind. When I am weak, I remind myself to recall my thoughts and reorient them to Krishna. Sometimes, that's easier said than done. Shutting down is like a defense mechanism. B i g h e a d n o t h o u g h t s.

Yet every time I turn my gaze toward Krishna, I am filled with an impeccable joy and sense of peace. He is my protector and my friend, the boat that carries me over the ocean of misery.

One of the best ways I can consistently turn my gaze back to spirit and start my day off right is by reading.

Reading my Gita, it transforms me. My day is different. Even a little reading– such as a verse or two– will completely set my day off on a different path.

The Gita itself says, "In this endeavor there is no loss or diminution, and a little advancement on this path can protect one from the most dangerous type of fear" (2.40).

I wonder if other Hindus, Pagans, Heathens, what have you, suffer from the thought that they're not doing enough or making enough leaps and bounds in their spiritual practice.

One thing I've learned from Heathens lately is that any progress is progress. And that same concept is reflected in the Gita.

Interestingly, I've been learning a lot about the Norse pantheon lately and the modern practice of Heathenry. The Norse pantheon makes up a good chunk of what my ancestral pantheon would be, hence my interest.

While I've determined my ishta devata, I've often wondered about declaring a kula devata. (If you're unfamiliar with some of the customs of Sanatana Dharma, a kula devata is a deity that is specifically worshiped by a family, being chosen by a head of household and the devotion being passed down for generations. A person may have their own ishta devata, akin to a patron deity in Paganism, in addition to the family kula devata.)

While my ishta devata belongs to the Trimurti (and is a part of the Hindu "pantheon"), I feel as though it would be a subtle nod to my ancestors to declare my kula devata as one of the Norse deities.

I'm the first person in several generations to return to our ancestral religion, and I feel a strong sense of what can only be termed as unease for the fact that our cultural heritage was decimated by Christian colonization efforts.

I have my reasons for my deep, personal connection to Santana Dharma and the devas. My gaze to the Heavens, to the higher realm, to the "something greater" was first forged by the concepts I learned about in the Bhagavad Gita and the Ramayana.

Still, I feel as though I would be doing my ancestors a great injustice if I did not honor the gods they loved and revered in my own spiritual practice, even if just a little bit.

Like my ishta devata, I will allow my kula devata to approach me–although I have a inkling as to whom it might be. I feel them waiting patiently in the wings.

Someday, I might raise a family, and perhaps this deity will oversee our continued growth and prosperity.

I'll be honest in that it saddens me sometimes that I am the first in my entire family on this long journey, and that there is little in the way of shared spiritual energy or practice.

Some people's families have been worshiping the same kula devata for centuries. Who knows whom my family worshipped back in the day.

Though this is now lost, it can be found again– and I have the immense pleasure of restoring this sacred connection to the gods for my family moving forward.

Namaste,

{Photo courtesy of Pixabay via Pexels}

I was nearing the end of the Bhagavad Gita, and I wondered how it would feel after finishing this soul striking piece of literature.

I wondered if I would feel empty, like I had found something wonderful and now it was over. Perhaps I would feel lost, unsure of where to go. I felt the significant urge to do something, do something to acknowledge this significant change in my spiritual journey.

I came upon the final words, and closed the book. To my surprise, I did not feel empty at all, nor did I languish the end of this wonderful book, the "song of God." Instead, I felt full, satiated by an inner peace at having reconciled with the chaotic world around me.

Not all who read the Gita or cross paths with it are devotees of Sanatana Dharma, more commonly referred to as Hinduism. Some read it and find it to be a fantastic representation of the presence of God in our daily lives.

Others read it and find peace with lack thereof. A friend in college introduced me to that little term. She was an atheist, and took great care to remind us when discussing religion– or lack thereof. Even those who who don't ascribe to any particular belief system or don't believe in God at all find this book to be illuminating, a guide on how to make peace with oneself and the world.

Krishna says towards the end of the Gita, "Reflect on this fully, and do as you wish." I have never encountered a religious text, or deity even, so impartial and accepting of those that encounter the divine.

Nor had I ever even imagined a God that didn't hate me outright from the beginning, damning me to a hell of which I could never escape without complete and total surrender.

The only hell there is, is the one you put yourself in.

Or, others. That's something that resonates with me personally, as a queer person who was strongly chastised by religious people in my life from a young age.

And then to think of a God, or heavenly beings, that celebrate the oneness of masculinity and femininity–that just blows my mind.

As I mentioned before, not everyone who reads the Bhagavad Gita is a Hindu, or is led to participate in Hinduism. I am a Hindu, however, and worship what we would call in ye old wiccan circles as the Hindu pantheon.

Today, I feel illuminated and satiated by the presence of a kind and gentle friend that dwells within me. It's a presence of peace that reaches beyond my soul, back to the worst days of my past where I thought that I could never go on. It reaches those days, and shines beautiful light on them.

I never knew the reason why I survived back then, despite every attempt not to survive. But reading the Gita and devoting myself to my devas feels like the very thing I ever held on for. All my life was just waiting for this moment.

And coming to this moment, I don't feel emptiness– I feel immense joy. I feel like I was sitting, then standing, then walking...and now I want to run!

My dream in life, and a strong purpose I feel like I have, is to help others who have ever considered harming themselves. Though my religion is very important to me, I do not think I will do so in light of drawing people to my beliefs. After having grown up in a very colonization-centric religion, it is important to me to not do so. They say one cannot "convert" to Hinduism, and it's true. I think conversion to any religion implies there is something fundamentally wrong with you, and that the person on the other side wants that to change. I don't ever want anyone to feel that way.

Therefore, I will do work in the name of Krishna, and help people regardless of their ethnicity, religion, or background. I hope that in their lifetimes, they find answers and they find peace. Perhaps as a leading example, they will see my love for the Supreme One, and perhaps that will speak to them, too. But it doesn't have to. "Reflect on this fully," says Krishna. "Then do as you wish."

Just a small note to commemorate an important, meaningful day in my life. I am forever thankful for all the trials and tribulations that led me to this place on my spiritual journey. Though I've been practicing Bhakti yoga and following the path of Sanatana Dharma for some time now, today feels like a full circle moment, where the past seems so far away, yet illuminated by this new awakening.

Love,

Pax

{Photo courtesy of Ravi Roshan via Pexels}

Wishing everyone a beautiful, victorious, and prosperous Diwali!

As I reflect on my faith and this spiritual journey I’ve been on, I decided I wanted to share a meaningful experience I had with all of you.

A key point in my spiritual development right now is to control the mind. This has always been a point of contention with me. A good portion of my life was ravaged by anxiety, a sense of unrest and unease that pervaded through my entire being. It was largely resistant to medication, perhaps due to genetic factors, as my entire family– going back several generations– has struggled with this disorder. After a while, you start to assume it’s hardwired into your brain.

I won’t divulge into details, but I was fortunate to receive a groundbreaking medical treatment for my mental health that put me into complete remission after 13+ years. When we talk about treating mental health, it’s usually in the context of symptom management and lifestyle changes. Not once in my life did I hear someone say, “I cured my depression,” or “I am anxiety free.” I never even imagined being “cured” as a possibility. To be fair, I knew TMS had exceptionally promising results and a plethora of data to confirm its viability, but I never imagined I’d be one of those people.

Anywho, getting this treatment was the first big step in attempting to “wrangle” my mind. Before, it seemed like an impossible task. It calls to mind a passage from the Bhagavad Gita. Arjuna says to Krishna, “This yoga of equanimity you have taught seems unendurable for the restless mind. | For the mind is turbulent, strong, and obstinate, Krishna, and to subdue it is as difficult as controlling the wind. | The Blessed Lord said: Truly the wayward mind is hard to subdue, but with practice and dispassion it can be trained. |For one with uncontrolled mind, yoga is hard to attain. Yet I say that with practice, one who strives with disciplined mind can succeed.” (6:33-36)

I know that some people may read this and assume that “practice” means that you can overcome an anxious mind just by trying hard. However, that’s not the case. Practice can mean an infinite number of things, and for myself personally, I think my practice was in going to therapy, going to my doc, and going through TMS. I took the steps and initiative to wrangle my mind. Even though I wasn’t on my spiritual journey at the time, I believe that the divine walked alongside me. A great change was coming on the precipice, and I could feel it in my bones. I was determined to beat this disease, or at least make a fool of it. The divine saw that and carried me the rest of the way.

Even though the change has been nothing short of drastic, there is a sense of normalcy to be had. With TMS, I feel like I’m starting with a blank slate. After living with debilitating anxiety for over a decade, what the hell is normal now? This past year has been one of relearning what it means to live. Every day is a gift beyond measure. Even still, I will have a bad day from time to time. Such is normal. Sometimes I think, “If I hadn’t gone through TMS, this day would have taken me out.” And it’s probably true. 

Just when I think I’ve made leaps and bounds in recovery, there is still progress to be had–even those without anxiety can suffer from the uncontrolled mind. I learned this when I received my first set of mala beads. They were African turquoise, and I felt immense peace turning over the smooth beads in my hands. That night, during puja, I sat down to quiet my mind and meditate. I had never recited a mantra in full succession before and was feeling somewhat apprehensive about it. How would the experience go? Still, I felt a strange calling, like a beckoning to do this.

I chose the mantra “Om hare Krishna” for its simplicity and the closeness I’ve felt with Lord Krishna as I’ve read the Bhagavad Gita for the first time. As I repeated the words and steadied my breathing, I felt my mind dissipate to a serene ocean. I felt a sense of urgency and longing to connect with Krishna. I struggled to form his image in this vast ocean. I repeated the mantra, breathing in slowly, when I felt like something clicked. The sense of urgency left me. I felt warm. I felt like I had gained control over the endless tides of the ocean. The waves now swelled and crashed with every breath. I slowed down, and with my eyes closed, I saw the most incredible materialization of blue. A crisp, Prussian blue that brought rest to my eyes. And in that beautiful mirage, Krishna’s precious face developed. We looked upon each other in peaceful solitude, as the ocean crashed around us. I repeated, “Om hare Krishna,” with all the gratitude my heart could muster. When I had finished my 108 mantras, I spoke to Krishna, his presence so tangible and intimate. I had never experienced an encounter with the divine like that before. What does one say in the presence of the Supreme? I told him of my calling to write and to reach my community. I told him of my desire to help bring others peace in a restless world. As Krishna appears in the world to help bring enlightenment throughout the ages when it is needed most, I wanted to walk alongside him. That calling with ingrained in my soul. 

When I opened my eyes and left the altar, I thought I’d feel a sudden rush of coldness or abandonment. But it was the opposite: I could feel Krishna within me. 

It was a remarkable experience, and I'll carry it with me always.

Namaste.

{Photo courtesy of Aarti Vijay via Pexels}

Finally, I got my wisdom teeth out. I was so nervous before the surgery. I've never been under IV anesthesia.

In the days before the surgery, I was sure I was going to die. I had been doing daily puja, but I became reluctant to do it for some reason. I wanted to reach out to Shiva for help, but I also wanted to block everything, absolutely everything out of my mind.

I took a walk and sort of forced myself to lay my thoughts out to Ganesha. I asked him for help in ensuring the surgery would go well, to remove any obstacles in my healing and the path ahead.

Most of all, I begged to live. There are so many great things I feel called to do. When I first began praying to Ganesha, I felt his presence in my writing and my stories. I felt like I could bring great peace to the world through my natural gift of story telling, and Ganesha was waiting to be right there by my side all along. I thought of that, and held my breath. I wanted to do great things. There was a long time where I did not want to do great things, because I did not see myself living long enough to do such things.

My, how the tables have turned. When I went into surgery, I felt a sense of peace wash over me. They told me they were going to put the anesthesia in, and I gripped the chair. For some reason, I felt protected. Nervous, but like Shiva was standing beside me, the trideva watching over me. I wonder if it is a normal part of practice in Hinduism, to feel such a personal connection to the gods.

Funny enough, I never fell asleep under the anesthesia. It was called twilight sedation, and most people fall asleep with no record of the surgery. I remembered everything, but I was never in pain. It was a profound learning experience for me: the thing I feared most (living through a painful surgery, going unconscious, etc.) was nothing to be feared at all. I felt in that moment that even through the darkest of times, there was nothing to be afraid of.

This may sound silly, but it reminds me of a passage from the book Dune by Frank Herbert. Before I ever had a mantra, this was my mantra. It goes like this: “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

And there I remained, and now I am happily in recovery. Interesting story I thought I'd share.

Love,

{Photo courtesy of Sandeep Singh via Pexels}

I'm 25 years old, and I live in South Carolina, USA. I decided to start a blog to document a new journey I've recently embarked on. After years of being shunned and antagonized by my old religion (Christianity), I decided to distance myself. In particular, I endured a lot of abuse for being gay. Even when people didn't know I was gay, I was pushed away, made fun of, or shunned for being "different." It led to a lot of depression and anger that built up inside me. But even though my supposed "brethren" were mean to me, I still felt the gentle grace of a higher power calling to me. Everyone tried to tell me that God hated me and I should have never been born, that I was a disgrace to Him. But the God that lived and danced inside me gently shook their head no and said that I was loved. It was a profound feeling, and it kept me alive for many years.

As I got older and distanced myself from the church, I began seeking out this benign and benevolent deity. I became involved in occultism, and learned about declaring intentions, worshipping deities, and the phrase "as above, so below."

Finally, I decided I wanted to declare a favored deity to worship and make offerings to. In my mind, I thought of deities through the "elephant metaphor." The elephant metaphor goes (briefly) like this: several blind men feel an elephant. One feels the leg and says it is a great pillar. One feels the trunk and says it is a hose. One feels the tail and says it is a rope. They are all correct, but different. They are representing their experience with a great large object in front of them that cannot be felt or understood by one person alone. This story has framed the way I see God. We all feel the same power, but in different ways.

So, in my mind, deities were just "different parts of the elephant." I decided to declare one to define and concrete my feelings about god. Following the advice of some other fellow wiccans, I decided to let this deity choose me. Through some manifestation/intention work, a deity appeared before me: a graceful man framed by a snake, a calf at his side. He was seated in the lotus position and exerted kindness and warmth. His skin was blue and his eyes were gentle.

This took me aback. Never did I image the deity to look like this. I was imagining, truthfully, something from the Norse pantheon, or even the Greek pantheon. I was so unfamiliar with this deity that I had to do some research, although it didn't take me long to find out who he was.

It was Lord Shiva, and as soon as I began to read about him, my heart felt eternally bonded. He felt warm and welcoming and did not judge me. I was shocked to learn about how he represents both masculinity and femininity, and about how Hinduism in general respected this sacred balance.

As a non-binary person, I had never dreamed of such a large institution "getting" me.

I am very early in my journey, but I am learning much every day. I decided to start this blog to chronicle the things I learn.

I also want to make a note that one does not necessarily convert to Hinduism, but that it is a guiding set of principles/school of thought.

In any case, I feel exceptionally drawn to it and look forward to learning more about this topic.

I usually sign off my posts with blessed be, so blessed be it shall be! Someday, I might have a different phrase to sign off with.

Love,