drunken words I might not remember tomorrow

You know what, maybe I’m actually not meant to die that easily. Maybe I am actually meant for something more, something bigger, as I always used to believe during my childhood years. Maybe one year from now someone will come out from behind my kitchen wall saying “Hey, kiddo, gotcha! It was all a joke, come back in!”.

But they won’t.  

The funny thing about this situation is - people asking me “Where do you see yourself in x years?”, “Tell me about your dreams!”, “What is your biggest goal to achieve?”. “I don’t know, guys, I didn’t expect to get to this age” would be a proper answer. “I plan on changing the world and put to use all these gifts nature gave me” would be another pretty ambitious but nonetheless feasible one. 

And yet, the good thing is that nobody asks (besides failed tinder flings, but that’s a convo for another day).

The truth is, once again, I envy the ones that left so much. Not for the mess they left behind- that, for sure, is the main reason I’m still alive-, no. But for the peace they must’ve felt at that moment. No matter if it was intentional or not. They all say- “Oh, he bungee-jumped from that height, oh, that’s some courageous man!” or “Oh, she took her balls in her hands and faced her fucking boss, that brave woman!”. Let’s be honest, guys. Courage, of course, is measured depending on the perspective. But choosing to go away, to embrace your deepest desire, to face the nothingness leaving behind all these more or less sad faces. That’s courage. Jumping from that building. Tying that knot. Pulling that trigger. That’s some fucking courage, man. Shame on all of you that call this weakness or cowardness. That’s fucking determination.

 Fantazining about death is my late-night porn, I’m not dead yet but this deep desire, I understand it all so well, however, being that courageous still feels like a dream.

This is is the closest I’ve ever been. The only reason I wish someone killed me right now is that I don’t really want my folks to blame themselves. I love everyone so much and yet it’s like nobody ever gives a damn.

By this age, you’d think that someone would worry about you. But you get to 23 and nobody does. The only thing you feel is that fucking pressure. 

“You’re such a smart girl.”

“Your parents must be so proud.”

“You must’ve achieved so much until now!”

Guess what: I’m not. I’m stupid as fuck. Guess what! They’re not. They fucking blame me for everything that goes wrong in their lives. I’m the reason for every fucking problem or failure they’ve ever had and, surely, for the ones to follow. Don’t worry, they will surely deny this after my death.

No, I have achieved fucking nothing. Twenty three years gone to waste. Such a brilliant brain gone to waste. If only this God of yours put me in a different place and I might’ve cured cancer. Now I can’t even cure myself. Blame the trauma.

I’ve lost the love of my life. I’m constantly being betrayed by every fucking person I’ve ever considered a friend. My parents despise me. My brother would rather sleep than have a phone call with me. They all leave, eventually. I’m too troubled to have anyone besides me. 

And if you ask (I know nobody will ever read these while I’m alive but if by some weird coincidence you find this, at some point, maybe you will), I’m such a failure that I’m too afraid to kill myself tonight. Can’t find a way to hang myself without causing a scene. Not a chance I will jump off this building ‘cause I would get too scared of the hight in order to remember my purpose. I’m too afraid to get overdosed because of my puking phobia. I guess I will just drink myself to sleep and wish I won’t wake up tomorrow.

Just so you know, if, by chance, you will ever find this- I loved each and every one of you. The one I couldn’t EVER get out of my head, the love of my fucking life- and the one that still owes me a few packs of cigarettes for breaking my heart. The one that should’ve lived with me and share two strawberry glasses with me. The ones I shared my best drug experience with- thank you for getting me through highschool, that freshers' party meant the world to me. The one that always made me smile, I know that girl broke your heart but please, remember, that there will be someone, at some point, worth of your beautiful soul (p.s. stop hitting old men on the zebra). The one I’ve shared YOUR lecture club with, you are one of the main ones and I would have sacrificed everything to see you happy, The one that shares the water nature with me, please know that this shoudn’t be a reason that enhances your depression, it should be a reason to get you out of it. Please, let me live through you! To the one I shared my desk with, you know that you’re special and I’ve loved you since day one. We’ve had so much and yet so little in common but, still, I’m so proud of everything you’ve become! You were the voice on the other side of the phone and my forever stone for so long. The one that broke my heart even more, my soulmate, that brown haired freckled girl. I loved you so much that I would give you a part of me even after years of not talking. Seeing you after so much time made me so happy, girl. Also, I won’t forget the one I’ve shared a pandemic with. I will surely die on THAT music. My coworkers, that hungarian girl and (at least hungarian named) guy, you guys helped much more than you could have ever imagined. To my Association friends, some of you were the reason I kept on living. There was a moldavian guy friend that woke me up in my time of need and (brown) long haired girl I used to visit often. You and your boyfriend meant a lot to me, please keep on being the superb couple you’ve become. 

And to my sisters, you know everything about me and I’ve shared some of my best moments with you. Keep. On. Living!!! This moment should be a wake-up call for you. Live fucking EVERYTHING that I couldn’t. Fuck every hot guy you meet. Marry the love of your life. I was too stupid to see it when the time came so, please, live it for me.

To my mom and dad, you were such fantastic parents. I know I fucked up and dissappointed you but you were the best anyone could ask for. You have done your best and there’s nothing you could’ve done better. It’s me who’s broken, not you. Please, keep on living in order to take care of the person I’ve loved the most- my brother. He’s the smartest kid I’ve ever met. The best brother I’ve ever seen. Much more smarter than me, even though I’ve always made fun of him for having lower grades. Those mean fucking nothing. Much kinder than me, for I’ve known his heart and his soul. My better version. The one I would’ve done FUCKING anything for. 

I love you so much.

This is it, guys. I’ve given a thought to everyone, even if I didn’t mention you. Your life will go one so smooth that you won’t even remember me in a few years. The fun fact is that I will always be there, besides each and every one of you. Don’t ever forget me!

I love you,

I dedicated so many texts to you over the years and unfortunately my vocabulary hasn’t improved much. Therefore, I will probably write you another combination of the already used words.

So, 

I know that I made your life difficult at times. Loving me was not an easy task and it probably ruined your life in many ways. I know I probably changed your life for the worst and for that I am deeply sorry but I just wanted you to know that you changed mine for the better. 

You changed my life in ways I didn’t even know needed changing. You showed me what real love feels like and, most of all, you made me believe in it again. You made me a better person. You turned my black and white world into a colorful one and I am forever grateful for that. You made getting out of bed a little less hard and you never once tried to change me to fit who I seemed when you first met me. You accepted every part of me. You became my best friend before anything else and I am sorry that loving me destroyed you in the process. 

This was gonna end in tears anyways. Couldn’t know at that time if it would be happy tears or sad ones, but my wrists still keep a souvenir. Our lovers weren’t screaming down the phone but we both accepted the toxic traits and I am still under your spell. This hex is on another level, but you've got me on my knees and I'm your one man cult. Don’t worry, babe, I’ll never leave your side. Even after all this time, you know that I'm your gravity and you're my oxygen.

So, please, dig two graves 'cause when you die I swear I'll be leaving by your side

You threw me to the flames but don’t worry, love...

How to get over an idea you never fully digested- a tutorial:

!Spoiler: you don’t.!

Long story long: You just learn to live with it and without him. You learn to live without his loving arms holding you closely every night. You learn to live without his smile as the first thing you see in the morning. You learn to live without his support, his confident encouragements and his kind words. You learn to live without his shoulder, his T-shirt, his cheek to cry on. You learn to live without his giggly hiccups and funny sneezes. You learn to live without his flowerly smell as the only thing that calms you down. You learn to live without his jokes, his humour and his somehow mean-ish compliments. You learn to live without being admired everyday. You learn to live without his kangaroo plush toy. You learn to live without his smart replies. You learn to live without being careful about his sleep seizures. You learn to live without his bedtime stories. You learn to live without his lasagna. You learn to live without his favourite bedsheets. You learn to live without singing his lullaby. You learn to live without caressing his face every night. You learn to live without being loved by him.