A Misfit In Search Of A Tribe.

Another engagement announcement. Driving. Praying. Crying. Defeated. Swearing. Parking. Questioning. Praying. Crying.

“I’m starving you of a relationship, so you can put that energy into what I’ve called you to do. So when you get to the place predestined for you, I’ll introduce you to the man who is on your level.”-Voice of God, clear as day.

When you came in, I no longer mattered

My emotional growth is stunted

It’s all about you

I’m abandoned

I’m divided, never a conqueror

A second class citizen

Made fun of

Lied on

Bullied

Ignored

Ganged-up on

Shunned

So I conform

Never be the competition, be the supporter

Be humble

I step back so you can step forward

Never mind what I want to do

It’s all about you

I’d better not embarrass you

I’m a reflection of you

Never mind that I’m emotionally crippled

Dismiss me when I no longer serve a purpose

Keep me close for an ego boost

Then put me back in my place

Take all my energy

Destroy my outlook on love

Make me feel like I’m nothing

Say whatever you want to me

Stunt on me

Turn everybody against me

Rub everything in my face

I’m not allowed to speak the truth

Keep me caged

Tell everybody I’m crazy

Be uneasy when I break free

Pout, lie, talk crazy under your breath

Try to convince me I’m overreacting

I’m no longer interested

Who comforts the heart?

Anger, frustrated, anxious, depleted.

Late nights, early mornings, long days.

Restless, worthless, hopeless.

Who comforts the heart?

Chips, candy, fast food, trail mix.

Tight clothes, labored breathing, self-conscious.

Doubt, indifference, disbelief.

Who comforts the heart?

Looking, searching, manipulation.

Desperation, lowered standards, disrespect.

Energy, sacrifice, loneliness.

Who comforts the heart?

Praying, crying, reading.

Talking, writing, listening.

Confirmation, no confirmation, stalled.

Sigh inconspicuously.

Head up, shoulders back.

Fake smile until it becomes genuine.

Drink water until your throat loosens.

Blink until the tears go back in.

Say congratulations.

Sit on your hands if they are trembling.

Save your anger for your journal.

Deep breaths.

Positive self talk.

I was doing inventory with my HR Manager in our office. If you've ever been to my office, you know this is a HUGE old house with many different rooms.

I went into a vacant room (mind you this room is always empty, due to high turnover), and I immediately felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was in a crowded room, but it was only two of us in there. It was the most eerie feeling in the world. I told her that I needed to leave the room because something was wrong with it. She got silent. This is weird, because this woman never stops talking.