I See You.

-------------------------

                They’re in the kitchen doing the dishes after dinner, Andrew pulling out a boardgame to play with the kids before Jake takes them home.

                “How are you finding everything?”

                “Everyone’s been real friendly…” The look Gail gives him is amused and Jake lets out a sigh. “What?”

                “Jake honey, I see this each time Neil comes home. Even when he was dating someone. Single good-looking man? Plus a doctor? They’re doing a spot of husband shopping…”

                “But… I’m…”

                “Oh, they won’t be so crass enough to press while they think you’re grieving your wife…”

                “Uh…” Jake starts. Because if this is some of them being coy and reserved he hates to think what forward looks like. Holy shit.

                “Oh, I’m aware some of them are probably circling like sharks. They can smell blood in the water, all wanting to get their teeth into you first.”

                Jake pulls a face at the imagery, because he isn’t looking to replace Sam in his kids’ lives, especially not anytime soon. He isn’t opposed to finding someone for himself of course, but at the same time he’s kind of accepted it’s unlikely to happen any time soon what with him moving to a small town in rural Nebraska. It’s a far cry from San Francisco.

                “We separated years ago… I’m grieving because I lost one of my best friends. It’s not what everyone is kind of assuming…”

                “Well, they don’t need to know that. And I certainly ain’t telling them. Will give you a little bit of grace with the folk around here. They’re pretty well-meaning for the most part.” Jake knows that’s true, at least from all his experiences so far. “Plus half of them think Sam was cheating on you with Neil and you only found out when she died and we’re looking out for you due to the immense amount of guilt we’re apparently feeling.”

                Jake lets out a surprised laugh.

                “Surely your friends are correcting them?”

                “Well, no. I asked them not to be overly forthcoming. Serve people right for gossiping. Plus I like having a little notoriety, and if everyone thinks Neil’s soul is damned then maybe the wife hunters will give him a little break now.”

                “Oh, so I’m a distraction for Neil’s sake.”

                “Well, he’s grieving too.”

                “Yeah. He is,” Jake muses, and he knows Neil is struggling, has spoken to him on the phone. Learnt he misses the kids as well and he doesn’t know if it’s his place to invite Neil back to live in his hometown. Doesn’t know if there is even work here. However, there’s always Norfolk and he knows from Andrew that that’s likely already on the cards. He’ll suggest it next time they talk, maybe all Neil needs is someone to tell him it’s okay to leave San Francisco behind.

                “Actually, maybe you can help me,” Jake says, accepting another dish to dry, and Gail is nodding at him expectantly. “I was just wondering what I should call her?”

                “Call who dear?”

                “Sam. I referred to her as my ex-wife when she was… uh… when she was alive.”

                “Oh. Of course. Late wife?”

                “Yeah. Maybe? Late ex-wife sounds…”

                “Like she’s just running a bit late to pick up the kids?”

                Jake lets out a wet sounding laugh at that, because that’s exactly how it had sounded to him.

                “She’s both your late-wife and your ex-wife and those close to you know. You can take your time explaining the ins and outs to the busy bodies of this town. You don’t owe anyone your business or history. You hear me, Jake?”

                “Yes ma’am. I hear you.”

                She stares at him, clearly trying to see if he’s sassing her and he ducks his head, chances a quick look and sees her nod. Feels the pat to his arm and he feels like a kid getting approval from a parent and it floods him with warmth, hopes he makes his own kids feel like this. Wants to make sure they do.

…            …            …

                Then the kids are starting school, he’s never felt nervous about being away from them before, but the entire first day he spends it nervously checking his phone, worried that something bad might happen. He’s aware that he’s catastrophizing and needs to take a step back, but he can’t help it. Fortunately, the kids don’t seem to notice anything different with him, which he’s glad for.

                However, he’d thought the start of school would be good, that the routine and familiar rhythm of days would help but Ella is back in his bed, crying herself to sleep again and Caroline has pretty much stopped talking to him except to ask for something. He knows grief isn’t linear, and that Sam was their mom, and he can’t ever begin to replace her. So, he plods through the days, dreading Caroline’s upcoming twelfth birthday with a churning gut.

                It’ll be the first birthday they’ll be celebrating without Sam, and he has no idea whether he should be keeping it quiet and low-key or to go all out. His attempts at asking Caroline what she wants have been met with a shrug and a mumbled don’t care, which makes him even more worried. So, he’s going in blind. Decides to invite Logan and his family over for a cookout, make the most of the remaining warm evenings and he knows Caroline likes Astra. Gail and Andrew are invited as well, Neil, along with Callie. Then he makes the fatal error of asking Ella what she’d like to get Caroline for her birthday, and the answer absolutely floors him.

                “A kitten.”

                He sees Caroline’s attention immediately snap to them, her eyes going wide and he supposes he maybe shouldn’t have asked Ella within her hearing. He freezes, doesn’t know how to answer that. It used to be a soft no, that both he and Sam were too busy, plus Sam had a mild allergy to animals, one which she used to just take pills for when she needed. But they’re here, settled, and he doesn’t remember if there’s a no pets clause in his tenancy agreement, but he can check.

                “Yeah, if we’re allowed. I’ll have to check.”

                “Can you check now?”

                “Uh. Sure. Come on…”

                The two of them follow him into his office and he opens up his laptop, pulls open the tenancy agreement. Sure enough there is a clause about no pets unless it’s with prior approval and he explains what that means. Then he’s being pressed into calling the property management company and he explains no one will be working right now, but to satisfy them he leaves a voicemail and then follows it up with an email.

                “Would Grandma Gail know?”

                “Well, it can’t hurt to ask,” Jake offers, and he calls through, because Caroline and Ella are both looking more and more excited and if the answer ends up being no he’s going to hate their disappointment. Another reason to buy a house.

                “Hi Jake, how are you honey…”

                “Hi Gail, sorry to bother you –”

                “You’re family, it ain’t no bother. I keep telling you…”

                “Yeah, I just wanted to ask if you knew if Mr Bradshaw would allow pets. A cat in particular. Well. Kitten. Ella wants to give Caroline one for her birthday.”

                “Oh. That’s so sweet of her. Let me ask.”

                “What?”

                “He’s here right now. Finally made it for dinner. Bradley! Jake wants to know if he can get a cat… Ella wants to give one to Caroline for her birthday.”

                Jake hears another voice in the background, deeper and rumbling and definitely agreeing with the idea getting a cat and he bites back the grin, needs to hear it before he’s deafened with his daughter’s squeals of excitement. Sure enough Gail is passing on the affirmative answer and Jake thanks her, reassures her that they’ll all be there for dinner on Sunday, then –

                “Hold on Jake, Bradley is suggesting you get two. So they can entertain each other and keep each other company during the day when everyone is out.”

                “Yeah, okay, we’ll see what they have. Please pass on my thanks. See you on Sunday,” Jake says, and both Caroline and Ella are staring at him with wide eyes and he smiles and nods, decides to wait to break the news that he’s been encouraged to get two.

                Of course it becomes the task of the weekend, the four of them throwing themselves into research, Nicholas getting involved and making a list of all the supplies they’re going to need. Caroline is researching rescues, looking up the places that have kittens, looking at photos and stories. Ella draws nothing but cat and kitten pictures and he has to tell them they won’t be picking up any kittens until they have bought everything they need, and only when the kittens are old enough to weaned from their mom. Three pairs of eyes turn to him when he says that, and he replays it in his head, realizing that talking about taking kittens away from their mom may be a completely natural conclusion for him but is maybe something his kids had not considered. Sure enough, Ella’s eyes are brimming with tears, and Caroline and Nicholas both also look close to tears. He gathers them all up for a big family group hug on the large sofa in the living room.

                He talks about the natural life cycle of all animals, that he doesn’t live with his parents (thank fuck for small mercies), and Neil doesn’t live with his. It doesn’t seem to do much to help and he says that maybe they can look for a kitten and mom cat together, because sometimes the mommy cats don’t get picked because they aren’t cute and playful. That seems to make Ella cry harder, but Caroline is nodding and Jake hugs her tight.

                The next weekend he ends up with three kittens along with the mother, and he hopes like hell the property management team or Bradley Bradshaw himself never want to do an inspection. He doesn’t even get to try to keep it a secret though, Gail is there, laughing at him but quickly serious when he explains that he couldn’t separate the mother from any of her kittens. She tells him she’ll let Bradley know and he’s grateful for her calm can-do attitude and approach to everything. And her reassurance that Bradley will really not care. It makes him feel a little less idiotic about suddenly having four cats.

                Names are a serious matter, and he lets his kids name a kitten each, glad that the mother cat comes with a name; Azreal. There is bickering of course, because apparently Kevin is a terrible name for a kitten according to Caroline but Nicholas holds firm in his decision, even when Logan, the vet, points out that Kevin is a female cat. Nicholas just doesn’t care, wants a cat called Kevin and who is anyone else to begrudge him that. Definitely not Jake. Then there is Misty and Teapot. Jake can’t wait until he has to call those names out.

…            …            …

                He works during the day, while the kids are at school. Andrew is there nearly every day, answering the phone and booking appointments and Jake knows this isn’t a long-term solution but Gail takes him aside and tells him to let Andrew do this, because he’s driving her to distraction following her around the house. They fall into a new routine, Nicholas has baseball practice which Andrew takes him to because Jake takes Ella and Caroline to gymnastics. It isn’t easy, and he knew it wouldn’t be. There are things that Sam did which Jake knows he simply cannot replicate, knows he shouldn’t even try. He needs to make new traditions and routines that work for them.

                Two weeks into the school year Bob and Mickey start work. They couldn’t be more different. However, they’ve moves into the three-bedroom house with Callie and they seem to get on well enough. Bob has an ex-wife he mentions in passing exactly once and doesn’t bring up again. Callie and Mickey are louder, more outgoing and happy to go to the only bar in town and have a drink with all the other locals who go. Bob joins Andrew in games of chess, or dinner, or comes to visit Jake at home. He ends up inviting them to Caroline’s birthday cook out as well, along with a couple of other friends Caroline and Astra both like. The three kittens are the biggest drawcard and source of entertainment, and Azreal seems to enjoy the fact that she can not have to deal with her three kittens, who are now all weaned.

                The relaxed cookout party goes well, however he feels the missing presence of Sam every second and he wonders if his kids do too, imagines that they must. Gail, Andrew and Neil help tidy up and Neil pulls him into a tight hug. Promises the kids he’ll see them all tomorrow and take them all out for milkshakes after church and Jake tells them he’ll see them all there, needs to get Ella to bed.

                Then he’s alone with his kids again, Caroline drifting off to do her own thing after thanking him and he supposes that’s better than nothing, wishes her happy birthday again and tells her he loves her. The he hoists Ella up into his arms and wonders when it’ll be the last time he’ll do this. Feels sad at the thought and holds her extra close as he moves upstairs to her bedroom.

                “I miss mommy…” Ella says, arms tight around Jake’s neck, her hair getting caught in his mouth and he tries to spit it out.

                “Me too honey, me too. Every day. I love you though, and Caroline and Nicholas love you. Grandma Gail and Poppa Andrew, Neil… you have so many people who love you sweetheart.”

                She doesn’t answer, asleep in his arms and he supposes he can worry about baths and teeth washing another night. He comes back down to the kitchen and Nicholas is standing there, staring into the open fridge like it might hold the answers to the universe. It doesn’t; Jake’s checked.

                “You okay buddy?”

                “You’re not going to date Callie are you?”

                “Uh,” Jake starts. Blinks. “No. But… what made you think that?”

                “Some of the kids at school said you would.”

                “Buddy, I’m not planning on dating anyone for a long time okay? And if I do you’ll be one of the first to know okay?”

                Nicholas stares at him for a good long minute and then he’s being hugged fiercely, and he wraps his arms around him in return.

                “Okay.”

                “I love you.”

                “Love you too Dad.”

…            …            …

                It takes eight weeks since their move before someone directly asks him out, and he politely declines. They’re not even little white-lies. He’s not ready to date. Very true. If they believe it’s because he’s newly widowed then he’s not going to correct them, and he hadn’t been lying to Nicholas. He doesn’t have any plans to date anyone. Doesn’t know where he’d find the time if he’s honest. He feels like he’s met the entire town of Cambridge now, and it’s not exactly a thriving scene of single people no matter what some of the women would like him to think.

                Jake realizes that the daughters the church grandmothers talk about are nearly all living in big cities, and he realizes they’re probably talking about him to their daughters. Trying to get their daughters to move home. Jake can’t begrudge them that, wanting their kids close. However, he also knows his own relationship with his own family. He imagines he would have heard about it from Gail if that was the case though, he’s mentioned his less-than-stellar relationship with his own parents.

                Having Mickey and Bob means the amount of work has become a manageable level, and he can alleviate some of the work Andrew has been doing. Another unexpected benefit, but even more welcome, is that Mickey and Bob and Callie are all also single, so they take some of the heat off Jake. It isn’t what he had planned, however he can feel some of the attention shifting from himself to Bob and Mickey. Callie has also had plenty of offers of dates and Jake feels an intense sense of relief.

                He still hasn’t met Bradley, despite the fact that they’re both invited to family dinner with Gail and Andrew every Sunday. They’ve not managed to cross paths, either one of the kids has been too tired or Bradley has been out of town. He knows Gail and Andrew are seeing him, because they mention Bradley in passing almost as often as they mention Neil and he wonders if they mention him as often to other people.

                Jake has learnt names, faces, jobs. He’s able to make connections between people, people who have kids or grandkids that go to school with his kids. He becomes friendly with several parents, but Logan and Astra definitely become his favorites. He gets to know Ron Kerner better, he’s younger than Gail by about seven years and full of mischief. He worries that he’s relying on Gail and Andrew too much, but when he raises it with them they’re quick to shut him down, reassure him that they enjoy having the children around; that it brings a different sense of purpose to both their days. Jake tries to accept it, so used to getting by on his own.

                He’s not on his own anymore though, and he supposes he hasn’t been for a long time. Even in death Sam still seems to be looking out for him and he always knew he had impeccable taste when it came to women.

…            …            …

                It’s been the talk of the town for weeks, mentioned in passing and then dropped into nearly every conversation he’s had all week. He's been reassured that he'll enjoy himself, that the kids will enjoy it. They’re all vibrating with excitement and he can’t help but be a little excited on their behalf. Fairground rides and food and a late night, a Friday so it's not like they have school tomorrow. Andrew and Mickey have agreed to be on call to cover any emergencies so they can all enjoy the night off, Bob and Callie taking the Saturday night so Jake can spend the time with the kids. Reminds himself it’s why they moved here. Work is not his life anymore.

                So he drags the kids along, determined to try and make things as normal as possible. Determined to have fun. Despite being on call Andrew is still there, along with Gail, along with what he’s certain is well over half the population of the surrounding countryside. He sees so many faces he recognizes, what with the bringing of the casseroles and appointments that have filled his days since he started practicing again. There’re bands playing, and people have picnic blankets spread out. It’s not the warmest night, but it isn’t stopping anyone from enjoying the evening.

                It’s busy. Busier than he thought it would be, and he’s not used to it now after months of not living in a city. He’s let his guard down and he has Ella’s hand clasped firmly in his, but he’s lost sight of both Caroline and Nicholas and his heart is pounding in his chest, knows that they’re likely fine but can’t help the icy fear clawing at his chest. His eyes scan the faces frantically and he lifts Ella up onto his hip.

                “Can you see your brother or sister sweetie? I just want to make sure they’re okay.”

                He has no idea if she can help, but he forces himself to remain calm for her sake, keeps an eye out for Gail and Andrew as well. They might have seen them, might even have them with them. Sends them a quick text message to check, asks them to hang around the prearranged spot they agreed to meet if they got separated. Everyone might know everyone, but Jake also knows that danger doesn’t necessarily come in the face of a stranger. The thing is, they’re on the school fields, wide and sprawling, bordered by fields and a corn maze and the kids know the area better than Jake does.

                He’s scanning the bleachers when he sees them, an adult sitting between making him skip over them the first time. He’s immediately relieved but the anger is there, he knows it’s the fear causing the anger but they need to not run off like that. Jake has no idea who the man is, the fair has attracted a lot of out of towners, so he's acting on his fear and adrenaline, stalks over, sharp words on the tip of his tongue when he gets close enough to hear him say;

                "Grief is love with nowhere to go... it's okay to feel sad and miss your mom..."

                And then the guy is looking up and meeting Jake's eyes and he looks sad and Jake's frantic fear and anger just dies in the face of it, but he manages to croak out that he was worried about where they'd run off to. Then the guy is standing, reaching out his hand, introducing himself as Bradley, and Jake manages to say his own name...

                "I know who you are Dr Seresin. I think everyone in a two-hundred-mile radius knows who you are. Nice to finally meet you."

                Jake frowns. Bradley. He said his name was Bradley.

                “Neil and Gail’s Bradley?”

                “I… I mean I guess so? Why? What have they been saying?”

                His smile is easy, head cocked to one side, and he has an easy confidence, clearly comfortable in his own skin. Jake shakes his head, trying to clear it a little.

                “Nothing, it’s just… I thought you’d be older. Their age. Well. Not quite, but. Older.”

                “Wow. Uh. I’m not sure whether to be insulted or complimented. No. I went to school with Neil.”

                “Oh.”

                It raises more questions than it answers and Jake realizes that this is his landlord, which is a bit weird too. How the hell has a man his age afforded his own business and to build a house like he has and then not even live in it? It’s not his place to ask. He’s not going to ask, that would be rude on several different levels, but it doesn’t stop the curiosity and he wonders if it’s the living in a small town that is making him more curious. Or the fact that he feels like he should know, because of how much Gail and Andrew talk about him. Now that he’s no longer frantic with fear and worry he has time to actually observe Bradley, replace the hazy mental image in his head with the man he realizes is in quite a few photos in Gail and Andrew’s house. He’s an idiot to not have asked Gail or Andrew. Bradley is his age, broad shoulders, well-muscled forearms, warm eyes.

                “You guys didn’t tell me you hadn’t told your dad where you were going…”

                “We got lost in the crowd,” Caroline says, shrugging her shoulders like it’s no big deal and Jake bites back the sudden return of anger. They had arranged a meeting spot if they got separated and they hadn’t gone to it. Neither of them. He will talk to them both later. In private.

                “I’m gad you’re both okay. You enjoying yourselves?”

                “Coach B said he’d pitch for me at the dunk tank!” Nicholas declares, eyes wide and happy and Jake finds himself recalibrating his brain again. He’s heard Andrew mention Bradley throwing a ball around with him, why he’s always happy to do it with Nicholas. And of course he’s heard Nicholas talk about his baseball coach, Coach B, one of the few things he won’t shut up about is baseball and training and he always wants to go and play. He hasn’t seen Nicholas this chatty in a long time, anyone that can make his kid look like that can’t be bad, and he realizes his kids, Nicholas at least, have probably met Bradley several times given how often they’re at Gail and Andrew’s.

                “Are you going to risk getting dunked Doctor Seresin?” Margie asks, her wrinkled face breaking into a grin and she’s handing a towel to the most recent victim to be plunged into the water.

                “Jake’s fine Margie. And I didn’t bring a change of clothes with me…”

                “You have enough faith in my pitch do you?” Bradley asks, and he’s teasing, and something is funny because the surrounding people are chuckling and Jake feels like he’s missing something. “Don’t worry, I’ve got a change of clothes in my truck you can borrow. If I dunk you.” Another round of laughter and a couple of jeers that Bradley rolls his eyes at and Jake’s never backed away from a challenge; takes off his socks and shoes, along with his watch, passes his phone to Caroline who immediately asks if she can film it and he shrugs, agrees. Figures it’s just water.

                Not even ten minutes later his kids are still screeching with laughter and Bradley is holding out some sweatpants and a bright florid button down from the back of his truck, and he doesn’t look even a little apologetic about it. At least Jake’s socks and shoes are dry, although freeballing in the sweatpants of some guy he’s just met seems a little too far but he’s not going to wander around in wet underwear either. He knows the kids aren’t anywhere close to being ready to go home, especially now, hyped up on the candy floss Gail bought them and the excitement of watching Jake plunge into a pool of water when Bradley patiently coached Nicholas through throwing the ball.

                For the rest of the evening he walks around with Gail and Andrew, Nicholas asking if he can go to the batting cages with Bradley and Jake nods, tells him not to wander off on his own and gets an eye roll from his son but a small head nod from Bradley, which he appreciates. Then Caroline sees Astra and she’s being invited so spend the night and Jake realizes his kids have developed social lives outside of him. He’s just there to facilitate them. It’s a little depressing, humbling and liberating all at the same time.

                Later, much much later, Ella asleep in his arms, body heavy as he buckles her into her car seat, Nicholas is also flagging, eyes struggling to stay open and Jake knows he’ll probably be carrying both his kids up to their beds tonight.

                "Coach B doesn't have a mom or a dad... they both died when he was a kid."

                “Oh. Is that right?” Jake asks, and he tries to remember what Gail may have said about Bradley. He’s been dealing with so much he really didn’t pay attention to everything.

                “Yeah. His dad was a pilot like him. You know he’s really good at baseball too.”

                “That’s great bubby, I’m glad you get to hang out with him. Sorry I’m not that great with baseball.”

                “It’s okay dad, I love you anyway.”

                “Thanks.”

…            …            …

                Bradley pops around on the Sunday after they get back from church, handing Jake his clothes, washed and dried. Jake has to admit he hasn’t gotten around to washing Bradley’s. Then Nicholas is dragging Bradley inside to show him the kittens, and Jake is reminded all over again that Bradley owns the house. Seems completely at ease but also a little awkward that he’s maybe encroaching on their space. Jake just offers him a coffee, waves him away to go find the kittens and just hopes they aren’t clawing the walls or peeing on the carpet.

                They end up sitting and talking and he learns that he should probably listen to Gail a bit more closely. Bradley was indeed orphaned, but at thirteen. He came to live with Gail and Andrew because Bradley’s godfather is friends with Ron Kerner. And when people have been talking about pilots, most of them are ex naval aviators, except Bradley, who says he’s only ever flown a P-51 Mustang and his own fleet of agricultural planes, and then occasionally the fire-fighting planes as and when required if he’s not on the ground. Jake learns Bradley lives in a studio apartment attached to the hangar with the planes, finds it more convenient for absolutely everything. Jake doesn’t feel he can ask why he bothered building something like this if he never planned in living in it, not yet. But maybe, if they end up hanging out together more.

                Sure enough, the following week, now that he’s met Bradley it seems like he is everywhere Jake looks. At the school when he drops the kids off, in the corner store when he pops in to buy extra milk for the clinic coffee machine, walking down the street with Callie, Bob and Mickey going to get lunch from the diner. Jake stops to introduce them all and then he invites Bradley to join them if he’s got nothing else to do.

                It’s been a long time since he made a friend that he didn’t already have something in common with. He met Javy and Nat his first year in college, Neil through Sam, some people he worked with in San Francisco who he’s since lost touch with already. He knows that Bob, Mickey and Callie are likely going to become friends, but they also work in the same practice. Bradley is outside of that. He supposes that they have Neil and Gail in common, that they could have been introduced through any number of family dinners that Bradley always seems to be unable to make for a huge variety of reasons, and Jake understands why now. Bradley keeps himself busy. As busy as Jake does. Except Jake is trying to slow down a little.

                The next Sunday rolls around and it’s family dinner at Gail and Andrew’s and for the first time since Jake moved here Bradley is finally in attendance. Jake is glad to see that Gail doesn’t save her mother-henning for him, Bradley gets the same treatment and accepts it all with a soft smile and shared eyeroll with Andrew. There’s more talk about baseball than he’s used to, but Nicholas seems ecstatic and Jake is happy he’s happy. Then it’s the same boardgame Andrew always brings out, giving Jake time to help Gail with the dishes and have a talk. Except this time he’s standing side by side with Bradley in the kitchen.

                “You know,” Bradley starts. “I wasn't prepared to like you.” Jake pulls back in surprise, a little hurt at the out-of-the blue words and Bradley’s expression quickly shifts to immediate dismay. “Shit. No. Hey. This was before I met you, nothing personal, but you were the ex-husband of my best buddy’s new squeeze so I had to dislike you on principle...”

                “Oh,” Jake says, a little relieved laugh escaping. “And now?” Jake asks, taking a dish from him to dry. He’s a little worried the answer might be that Bradley doesn't like him, but he doesn’t think so. They’ve been friendly with each other all week, even if Jake still hasn’t returned his clothes.

                “I mean, yeah, Neil likes you. Gail and Andrew like you...”

                “Yeah, but they love you,” Jake replies dryly, and Bradley agrees with a simple dip of his head.

                “I'm family. They have to love me.”

                “Gonna have to agree to disagree on that front, Sam's family are fucking awful. No love there at all. Mine are… tolerable. Barely.”

                “Well. Mine is dead, so,” Bradley shrugs and Jake rolls his eyes, because he knows Bradley is being a dick. His sense of humour is a little self-depreciating at times, and when he thinks the kids can’t hear him Bradley can also be a bit of an asshole. It’s been fun getting to know him and he can’t believe it’s only been a week since they really met properly.

                “You’re either part of the Vikander family or you’re an orphan, you can’t have both…” Jake states, taking another plate.

                “Both things can be true,” Bradley replies and Jake shoves him and they both laugh, shaking their heads.

                It’s good, easy, their family routine settling even more. He ends up playing tennis with Logan once a week, and he’s not very good but it’s a decent enough workout. Astra and Caroline enjoy playing against each other and he feels like it’s something he gets to do with just her. Ella goes to Guides with Gail, Nicholas at another baseball training session. Mickey is a football fan, and doesn’t seem at phased about who he might watch play, so Jake always has someone willing to watch a game with him. Bob likes boardgames, and these are folded into his life because Andrew and Gail both enjoy them, teaching his kids and he knows it’s good for them all to spend tie together like this.

                Then the kids get additional extracurricular activities and Jake figures out schedules with other parents on pick-ups and drop-offs. He finds himself with two evenings on his own, time to kill. It’s not a lot of time, not quite two hours, but it’s enough time to get a workout in, or go and have a drink at the town’s sole pub, which everyone refers to as Jerry’s. Callie has challenged him to a game of pool, which sounds good. Then he sees it when he walks in, Callie, Bob and Mickey already waving him over, but his eyes are on the dart board.

                Darts.

                Fuck. He hasn’t played darts since he was in college. He has excellent hand-eye coordination and a very steady hand. He didn’t specialize in pediatric surgery because he was simply mediocre. He insists on the four of them playing, a little disappointed that none of them really offer him any level of challenge. The following week though Bradley is there and he challenges Jake to a game, one Jake actually loses, which he totally blames on not having played against anyone halfway decent in years.

                Bradley is easy to talk to. So easy. He has a good sense of humor, a little self-depreciating but not much. He’ll equally make fun of Jake, doesn’t seem to mind at all when Jake gives him a little bit of shit. So, occasionally Bradley is there, when Jake is at Gail and Andrew’s, or at Jerry’s, and he slaps Jake’s back like Javy does and it makes him miss his friend but also feel like he’s creating a new circle of friends here.

                They all are.

…            …            …

                It’s another Sunday night, a couple of weeks later, another Sunday that Bradley has missed, although he knows from what Bradley has told him that both the agripilot work and firefighting both get quieter in the cooler months. So he’s not expecting to see Bradley stagger through Gail and Andrew’s front door, not even bothering to knock.

                “I think I might need to crash here…” Bradley says, and Gail is on her feet instantly, looking at Bradley with concern and Jake’s gaze is more assessing. Medical. He looks dead on his feet, swaying with exhaustion. There are bags under his eyes and Jake assumes the black smears are soot.

                “Come on then, let’s get you hydrated and into bed,” Gail says, and Jake realizes this is maybe not the first time this has happened. His last text from Bradley had said he was in Canada fighting a fire up there and Jake isn’t sure how that even works.

                “Did he fly himself home like that?!” Jake demands, horrified.

                “Oh, no. He would have been on a flight with others, though he probably drove here when he shouldn’t have.”

                “He always feels so guilty about missing family dinner…”

                Jake watches as Andrew takes over, can see him carrying out a similar assessment, although he can tell Andrew is subtly taking Bradley’s pulse while holding his wrist. Or maybe Bradley is just used to being a little man-handled like this. Gail is hovering, waiting for Bradley to finish drinking the large glass of water she’s pushed into his hand, is holding a bowl with sliced fruit in the other, which he notes Bradley takes from her with no complaint.

                Then Gail is pushing him toward the stairs, telling him to have a shower, that she’ll bring him up a cheese sandwich he can eat in bed like he’s a sick child and Jake realizes that he’s not the only one that gets the full Gail and Andrew treatment when they need it. It’s a little reassuring if he’s honest. Then he sees his kids, all looking at Bradley with wide eyes.

                “Is he going to be okay?”

                “Yeah, he’s just been working really hard. He knew he needed help tonight so came here to see Gail and Andrew.”

                “Smart people always try and ask for help when they need it,” Gail says, giving them all a very pointed look which Jake suspects goes over his kids’ heads but which have him and Andrew exchanging amused looks, Bradley chuckling as he heads up the stairs.

…            …            …

                Jake is up early, running on the treadmill in the home gym when movement in the door catches his eye. Caroline. He turns the treadmill off immediately, it’s not even six yet and he knows something is wrong.

                “What’s wrong?”

                “Dad.”

                Fuck. She’s trying not to cry and he’s over to her instantly, wrapping his arms around her, she’s too upset to complain about him being sweaty so he knows it’s not going to be good.

                “Yeah honey, what is it?”

                “Um. I got my period.”

                Oh. Oh shit. There’s relief that it’s only her period, but it’s swiftly ignored. He’s not telling her it’s only anything. He knows how to deal with all this. Logically. But right now, relief gone, all he feels once again is the gaping hole of Sam’s presence, that Caroline’s mom isn’t here to be there, to talk about her own experiences, to offer comfort and understanding. To tell Jake to get lost and that she’ll deal with it. But it’s him.

                “Do you want to stay home?”

                “What? No. I’m fine to go to school.”

                “Oh, honey. I’m… I’m glad to hear that you feel that way. I just. I’m feeling… I really miss your mom right now. Like… more than ever. And it’s making me feel… sad. And I don’t know how you’re feeling, but if you feel like you want to take the day, or two, then… you can take it.”

                That seems to be what tips her over and he’s holding his eldest in his arms, rocking her back and forth as she finally lets herself cry.

                “I miss her.”

                “Me too honey, me too. Every day.”

                He makes her hot chocolate, warms up a heat pad and offers her the day off school again. Pain killers. He puts her to bed in his room, tells her he’ll deal with her sheets, that it’s still early and she can go back to sleep if she needs to. Sam always got nauseated the first day of her period and he has no idea what Caroline is going to be like. Another first that Sam isn’t here for. He messages Callie, lets her know he won’t be able to come in, tells her why. Sure enough Caroline falls back to sleep and he gets Nicholas and Ella to school, tells them that Caroline is not feeling well enough to go to school today. He can tell Ella is worried, and Nicholas probably is too, he’s just better at hiding it. He gets home only to have Callie turn up about three hours later, carrying grocery bags and he peers into the bags. There are pads, another heating pad, and some more hot chocolate and some fresh berries.

                “What about your patients?”

                “I told them I had a family emergency. Bob and Mickey have it covered. Don’t stress. I’m a doctor too Jake. Let me talk to her… if she wants to that is.”

                “Thanks,” Jake says, and his throat feels a little tight at the easy way Callie had just called him and Caroline family, the fact she went out and did this with no prompting. “You want a cup of coffee?”

                “Hell yes. Please.”

                The three of them end up camped in the living room, blankets and bowls of popcorn, watching some Disney movies that Callie insists are her favorites but Jake has never heard of. Caroline is enjoying herself though, and he hopes this is what she remembers most, if she remembers it at all. Later he goes and picks up Nicholas and Ella, Callie helping prepare dinner and Nicholas looking at her suspiciously before she announces that she needs to leave because she has a date. Jake wishes her luck and she leaves with a laugh and a wave.

…            …            …

                Then there is a cold weather snap and Jake wonders if he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. There is snow. He’s never lived in a place where it snows during winter and stays on the ground. Of course, the kids are over the moon, think it’s amazing and wonderful but they don’t have to drive in it. He’s glad Gail had him buy them all winter clothes early, because he hasn’t realized it might arrive that quickly. With the cold weather it brings an increase in accidents to the clinic, people slipping on ice and they don’t have a fracture clinic, need to refer people to Norfolk for x-rays to rule out fractures. Also, more people are getting sick and he wonders when his own kids will come down with the first bugs of the season.

                Of course, it’s not a head cold that takes his kids out, but a stomach bug that is also going around. Caroline and Ella both have to miss gymnastics, Nicholas missing out on his team’s end-of-season celebration. Jake shoots Bradley a message, tells him he likely won’t be able to make their darts game in a couple of nights, aware he’ll be with the rest of the team right now so doesn’t expect an answer at all, but smiles tiredly at the thumbs up emoji he receives hours later.

                He wants to order pizza, wants to order anything and take away the requirement of cooking and feeding his kids. Then he remembers the meals, the dozens and dozens of meals that have been gifted to him by kind and well-meaning strangers who are no longer strangers. They’ve eaten most of them, but some people, like Margie and Beverley, continue to give him meals. Maybe they don’t believe he’s capable of actually cooking, but he knows there’s something there that all the kids will eat and he can get defrosted and heated in a short amount of time.

                They’re all on the mend by the time the weekend rolls around, but Jake is tired and going a little stir crazy at being confined to the house for three days. Then Bradley turns up with a couple of frozen pizzas and some beer, Gail hot on his heels carrying two bags as she passes by him and Jake watches her take over the kitchen.

                “Make yourself at home…” he offers, tiredness making him feel less than grateful despite the fact that he is incredibly grateful, right down to his bones. His very tired aching bones. Hell, when did he get old?

                “I am! You go and have some relaxing time and I’ll look after the kids for a couple of hours. Leave the pizza with me Bradley, I’ll bring it through when it’s done.”

                “Uh. What?” Jake asks, because he’s in sweats and thread bare singlet, the heating of the house high enough to keep all the kids warm enough. The idea of going anywhere right now is not a pleasant one. Bradley is grinning at him, holding out the bottles of beer again and jerking his head in the direction of the garage and Jake frowns.

                “What?”

                “You know there’s a dart board in the garage right?”

                “Is there?”

                “Sure is, where do you think I used to practice?”

                Jake sighs at that, too tired to really want to play, but some adult company, a friend, is probably just what he needs right now.

                “It’s your house,” Jake says, waving his hand in front of him to indicate Bradley can lead the way. “Anyway, who says I need to practice? Some of us are just born with natural talent.” Bradley has stopped though, turned and looking at Jake intently and he raises an eyebrow. “What?”

                “No. It’s yours. I mean… yeah. I own it. But I don’t live here. Please don’t… it’s your house okay? Kick me out when you want. Don’t think you need to keep on my good side or anything.”

                “Yeah yeah, come on. I’m going to pretend to watch you practice darts with my eyes closed.”

                “That bad huh?”

                “Gail is an angel and I need to figure out a way to make her know how much I appreciate her and couldn’t live without her…”

                “Not going to disagree with you, she’s great. Shame her and Andrew couldn’t have more kids. Always figured I was lucky to have them as my safe place to come home to after everything… my godfather made the right decision in asking them to look after me.”

                Jake hums in agreement, glad for Neil and Bradley both, because he didn’t have such luck, and Sam even less. But it’s good to know that there are people out there who are good parents. Jake wants to be one of them.

…            …            …

                Jake breaks it to his parents that he won’t be travelling to visit them for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. They haven’t reached out to ask how he’s been, leaving the job of communicating solely up to him. Which he would normally appreciate, doesn’t like their overbearing involvement, except they seem to have taken it to the other extreme and now seem intent on freezing him out and he simply doesn’t have the emotional energy to deal with whatever mind games they think they’re playing. They want him to do what they think is right, not what he does.

                Of course, the first Thanksgiving without Sam is also Ella’s seventh birthday, and he doesn’t know if it’s going to be easier or harder with two things happening at once. He’s made everyone aware, has no idea if any of them are going to want to celebrate with other people. But then Gail takes the decision out of his hands by suggesting they host a birthday breakfast for Ella at their house, and then Jake hosts Thanksgiving at his house, given how it’s so much bigger.

                When he comes home from work on Tuesday and sees his dining room and table all decorated and laid out for about thirty people his mind boggles. He knows Gail is organizing it, asking or telling various people what they need to bring, has very firmly been told not to worry about anything. Neil reassures him, as does Bradley, that she loves going all out and having an excuse to do so, creating happy memories.

                He forces himself to relax, to just go with the flow. Dresses everyone in their winter jackets over their pajamas and turns up at Gail and Andrew’s in their pajamas, himself included. Everyone else is also in their pajamas and Ella is absolutely delighted at the table laid out with all Care Bear themed decorations, excited because it’s a day off school and all her favorite people are there. There’s also a pile of presents and he grimaces, he doesn’t want his kids to be spoiled.

                “This is too much.”

                “These are my grandbabies, there’s no such thing as too much… plus some of those are from Neil and Bradley.”

                “Oh. Well. Thank you…”

                “Better. It’s my absolute joy and pleasure.”

                Andrew and Bradley then bring out pancakes and bacon, hashbrowns and grilled tomatoes and mushrooms and Jake’s stomach is already protesting because he knows that there’s going to be a Thanksgiving meal later today as well. He wonders if he can spend all day in his pajamas, the elastic waist band will come in handy.

                Ella sits at the head of the table, gap-toothed smile wide as they sing her happy birthday and she blows out the seven candles poked into her stack of pancakes. Then they’re all eating, and he catches up with Neil, the one person he doesn’t see regularly. Compliments him on his blue and white plaid cotton pajamas with his tongue very firmly in cheek, laughs along with Bradley as Bradley and Neil kick at each other under the table while Gail sighs with exasperation, says boys please behave and Nicholas sits there with wide eyes looking between Neil and Bradley.

                The gifts Ella receives aren’t as bad as he feared, not things he knows would get played with and then break immediately. There’re new gymnastics leotards, brightly colored hair bands, a gymnastics dance ribbon, a box of Care Bear mugs which make her eyes just light up, some books, new shoes along with a new Care Bear she clutches happily. He feels like they might get through the day okay after all.

                Thanksgiving can’t be described as anything but a small party. He meets Bradley’s godfather who insists Jake call him Maverick, won’t answer to Pete for anyone but Gail. Maverick immediately starts talking to Nicholas about baseball, telling him Bradley has been talking about him, and Jake feels a swell of pride and a little relief. He feels like he doesn’t get Nicholas some days, but he hopes Nicholas knows how much Jake loves and supports him anyway.

                Then there is Ron Kerner and his two kids and their kids, but also another guy called Tom who maybe seems to be with Ron. It’s not explicitly said, but Jake sees them together, body language speaking to years of familiarity. However, the same could be said of Maverick and Tom, and also Maverick and Ron so Jake just decides to keep his mouth very firmly shut. Bob and Mickey have both gone home for the holidays, stating that they’ll cover the Christmas period. Callie is on call for emergencies but she’s here now. There’re more people, and he’s introduced to all of them, but he lets Gail and Andrew play host, takes the time to find each of his kids and spend some time with each of them individually, inwardly reminding himself that he has a lot to be thankful for.

GERMINATION (Chapter Four)