(Hiatus) One Step At A Time -160508-

I've been thinking about what I can write. It's been so long since I've posted anything. This year has been horrible. I was supposed to graduate college in May of 2017. Instead, I quit school before my last semester. My anxiety and depression were too strong. I couldn't sleep and had constant panic attacks. Now, I've become somewhat agoraphobic. I barely leave the house. Then, my grandmother went to the hospital and passed away only a few months ago. She was my only grandparent left. I miss her so much. I've also lost one of the singers who helped me stay strong during rough times. Jonghyun brought me smiles when I wanted to cry. This year has hurt so much. On top of everything, I just found out that the funeral home we used for my grandma sent a very threatening and horrible email to my mom because we haven't been able to pay the fee (they didn't tell us that they didn't accept payments beforehand). I can honestly say that the only reason I am here at the end of this horrible year is because of my family and God. I pray that 2018 will be better. Sarah December 20, 2017

I've been in the process of trying to figure out which direction I want to head in life for a while now. I still can't say if it was a good decision to take a while off from schooling at the last moment or not. I'm not even sure I want to go back to the same school or pursue psychology. I've been in a sort of limbo state. I've finally got myself a small job as my grandmother's caretaker for two days a week though. I think this will be good for me. I can't work a regular job at the moment because my anxiety is so bad. But now I'll be doing something instead of staying home and letting anxiety kick me. She has Alzheimer's and lives with my uncle (we haven't found the right nursing home to put her in yet). I know it will be difficult some days, but now my uncle can finally take care of himself. Wish me luck! I've got some idea of what it will be like on good days but Alzheimer's is unpredictable. Now, to go defrost chicken for enchiladas.

Well, as anyone can check my page and see, I haven't been around much. The reason? I'm just not into Kpop as much as I used to be (that combined with certain events in my life). I still love Kpop and listen to it on a regular basis, but I don't watch any survival shows, variety shows, or dramas. I just don't have the same energy to keep up with it as I did before. Instead I've been watching anime and reading manga. I also started playing more games. I won't stop listening Kpop though or loving SHINee. I guess that's all for now. Bye bye!

As you can probably tell by just looking, Tumblr has basically just become a place where I can vent. I've had a lot to think about this past year and a lot has happened. I haven't talked to the people I consider my best friends in over a year. I had a mental breakdown and pulled my friend into it. I was so desperate for someone to realize that I was mentally falling apart and that I was so close to giving up. I was so confused about everything. Looking back now, I can say that I was not being fair to her and I was at fault for a lot of the arguments we had. It's been so long that it's really hard to apologize now. Plus, I'm still not very stable mentally. I'm really stupid. I regret it all. I miss my friends.

In case anyone was wondering, I am still alive. I've decided to take a break from school in order to get my health back in check. I decided that my mental health was more important. So that's what is happening. Well, later.